Nicoco

The ignorance we have run into has been of two types
1. people who clearly just do not like "immigrants" unless it was their grandparents. Example: Alla runs into a woman at Lowes looking at flowers and they start up a conversation. Second sentence the woman asks "Where are you from?" Alla says "Ukraine" The woman asks "How long are you visiting for?" Alla says "I live here with my husband" and kind of motions to me. "Oh is your husband also a refugee?" Alla says "No he is a US citizen" The woman turns and walks away. End of conversation. Who cares? Nothing important but it is disappointing, especially in a "liberal tolerant state" like Vermont where it is OK to marry your lesbian, transgender sheep, but I guess NOT OK to be a "refugee"
Alla applied for a job as soon as she was able to, a small job, part time as a clerk in a woman's clothing store. She was interviewed, showed all her documents and hired. Filled out the I-9, was given a schedule of work hours and came away very happy that she had her "first job in America" she did all this, by herself, in English. Interview, form filling out, etc. All without help, all in English. That night a woman called and asked me in English to speak to Alla. Alla got on the phone and never said another word in English, spoke entirely Russian for the entire conversation. The woman was a Russian speaking woman from another store that called to "welcome" Alla to working at the Mall (woo hoo!) and they just generally blabbed in Russian for a while. Alla thought it "was nice" and she would have a native Russian speaker to "have lunch breaks with" How sweet.
Next Day, the manager of the store that hired Alla called to say she could not work there because her "English skills were not sufficient" Alla has a Masters Degreee in English and worked as a Translator/interpretor for years in Ukraine. Alla could teach the manager of the store English. Turns out the woman that called was a set-up, someone that called to "determine Alla's English skills" By speaking nothing but Russian? The store was CJ Banks, in case anyone wonders. I called the corporate headquarters in Minnesota, a regional mgr. was assigned to the complaint and Alla went to work there as scheduled. And FWIW the woman that called was an ethnic Georgian and spoke "horrible Russian, like a dockworker"
Alla became very popular at the store and many women asked for "the Russian girl" when they came in. She left there after the Christmas season as her 2nd semester studies were much more time consuming and she really just wanted some exposure to "American culture" I would say she got some. You may say "Oh Big deal, just get another minimum wage clerk job" RUB women to not roll that way! Close the door in their face and they go around the side, kick in a window and come in anyway.
2. The other type is official ignorance. The SS clerk that tells our son who appears with a green card that he "needs a new visa to get an SSN" The clerk at DMV that tells our son he needs an SSN to take the test for a drivers license. NO HE DOES NOT (not in Vermont) The supervisor corrects her and moments later, literally, I overhear her tell another person from Colombia "You need an SSN to take the test to get a drivers license" That woman was going to leave until I informed her to talk to the supervisor. Same clerk, moments apart tells an immigrant the same story after being informed of the rule. The woman at the station where they actually issue the DL told our son he had to show "proof he got married within 90 days" He is a K-2 NOT a K-1. Another supervisor, another corrected clerk.
We can read here in these forums the endless stories of official ignorance. Most recently Alla was told by the clerk at the passport office (not the post office, we went to the passport office in St Albans and paid an extra $60 each for the privilege) That we needed a copy of her divorce decree with an order of sole custody for Pasha or Pasha (now a CITIZEN) could not get a passport! NO WE DO NOT! Again a supervisor cleared that up and the clerk when on to "help" someone else. and HOW doid the supervisor clear it up? By showing the clerk the directions and requirements listed in the passport office's OWN INSTRUCTIONS! We had already read the instructions (imagine that!) and were there with everything we needed according to the instructions and suddenly told out of thin air, that we needed something else. NO WE DO NOT!
Be advised that our government offices, federal, state and local are FULL of untrained staff assigned to "help" you and they WILL affect your life if you allow them to. Google is your friend. Inform yourself of each process you are going to proceed with...DMV, passports, whatever, even recently one where a person was declined credit because their SS card still said "not valid for employment without DHS authorization"
If the staff were simply untrained, that would not be their fault. But when they INVENT answers and excuses rather than ask what to do, THAT is wrong and THAT is their own decision. Be advised they will do it and unless YOU know the truth you will be hassled, inconvenienced, and denied what is yours.

How is she supposed to know how your house looks like? How do the officers know that anyway, to tell her she is wrong?
As to the family, I dont think I could describe them either, not to mention the fact that in the span of just some months, a child's hair colour went from blonde to pure dark.

... she has been here 7 months... still as tiny as ever apart from the pregnancy. She didn't start gaining weight until the last month. She weighed 80 pounds when she got here, and in February weighed 80 pounds....between February and now she has only gained 15 pounds. All 15 pounds are pregnancy weight.
She does not eat hamburgers, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, american spaghetti, lasagna, pizza, red beans and rice, soups, or drink milk.
She mainly eats rice, vegetables, pencit, shrimp, chicken, mangoes, bananas, coconut milk and drink water, sometimes sprite. She does like Tom Kai Gui as well. Plus she eats grilled steak and pork when I cook it. she also likes corn dogs. she likes cookie crisp, and cocoa puffs to eat without milk.
She tried a dill pickle. How I wish I had my camera on me at the time. the face was amazing.... she was not expecting something that sour. The "family" has bread and butter pickles at their house. I mainly have dill pickles, sweet relish, and sweet gherkins. (When I worked in the fast food chains, I loved to eat dill pickles for a snack.)
One thing we talk about a lot is the smell of food. Her food does not always smell good to me. As I am sure my food does not always smell good to her. I told her this is what we are accustomed to. You grew up with different cooking styles, and different methods of cooking food. Your styles were to deal with the fact of no storage or refrigeration. While the style here reflects it. There is also more spices used here in America then in her village. This is reflected in how things smell. vinegar, soy sauce are not typical things we cook with. I tell her that her food is good. However, I don't most of it because it does not smell good to me. It is not that I don't want to eat her food. It is because the smell is not something I associate with good food, but I am trying to learn the smell.

OP, b4 you send your relationship to the gallows...
When did she arrive?
I flipped my clock 12 times during our visa process. I still remember how the time zone change sucked the life outta me the first few weeks (each time). Made me feel in a haze. After arrival...it took my wife about 2 months to really adjust to this time zone.
Please clarify / qualify "loving".
You made a bad investment? You want your money back?
1) Need to identify if her family are the driving force behind her decision to be with you. (but) Be careful you don't dig urself a hole by doubting / questioning her ethics.
2) Should listen to you because she is younger...hmmmm...like a daughter?
3) Why is she "jealous"?
Honestly...have you done something to make her think / feel this way? You know...it is her right to have thoughts / feelings. The fact she is expressing them to you...well...it's either a BS manipulation tactic....or...she's reaching out to you for some additional attention.
Put away the scorecard. Did you buy her? I'm guessing you are leveraging / bullying her with this. Might explain why she doubts your love.
Well...no good over it...time to make some choices. (there's that word again..."regret"...hmmmmmm...methinks you are leveraging her with your charity)
Did she arrive with a pre addressed / Stamped envelope? Did you get the bubble wrap? Wanna make sure you ship her back in good condition....

I see an airline ticket in your future.
Single.

John,
Well... sh!t. This is a difficult challenge. On the surface. (but) IMO, is solvable. Let me start off by stating....1) I think you are good at expressing your POV via written communication. (so) I'm gonna quote a few parts of your op and respond (as how I interpret your meaning). I apologize if I miss the mark of your intent. 2) I'm not confident many people will agree with my pov. (but) Here goes....,
This being part of your opening statement and this being part of your closing statement...,
Makes me think you are using the "American Way" as an argument and leverage in your Fil-Am marriage. It also seems (to me) you are discrediting her feelings / rationale by pointing out infrastructure inadequacies and age difference.
Which is more important...your wife and marriage or the American way of doing things?
Day to day? As in... Day to day? as in... very very often? ....as in..every day
I wonder why you were granted full custody. Was this simply logistics settled between you 2 or was it a result of a court order?
I ask because...I wonder if your ex has some negative "history" that might be alarming..in the situation.
(but) This was with the distance and contact limitations of your ex living in Texas. Now she is front and center to be involved with the kids (and of course you and your wife) "day to day".
A very comfortable, safe and low threat distance.
That statement has so many wrong opportunities...too many to list...Why are you letting your ex advise your wife?!!!!
John...dude...seriously...KEEP YOUR EX AWAY FROM YOUR WIFE!!!
DO NOT...I REPEAT...DO NOT EVER COMPLIMENT YOUR EX WIFE FOR ANY REASON WHATSOEVER!!!!
Okay...I doubt I will be able to post any more quote boxes. I bet I already hit the limit. I will wing it from here.
I have no doubt your wife is sick and tired of hearing about your ex. She married you. She accepted your kids. It now seems it is becoming a ...you + your ex + the kids...and (maybe..I wrote... maybe)your wife is now.. a tag along. Has she referred to herself as the nanny / housemaid yet? (no...that is not sarcastic..that is a serious question)
Try to put yourself in your wife's shoes. How would you feel if her ex husband was the one playing the part of you ex wife? Your kids are their kids? She is the one on the phone with her ex...she is the one talking about her ex "every single" time.
I'm confused. Why does your wife say it's okay to talk with the ex about the kids but then becomes upset? What else are you talking about? Are you joking around? Laughing? Chit chatting? Extending verbal courtesies?
John..I have a lot more to write but...I'm rambling on too much and I'm aware I might be viewed as "screeching on a soapbox".
I will try to sum up...,
#1 Back your ex wife off... completely...until you and your wife resolve this.
#2 Accept the fact...your wife is not happy with the current situation...if your marriage is top priority...time to prove it.
(I will stop here...maybe come back later with a few more thoughts. John...you are one of my VJ buddies...Please don't be upset with my frankness and POV. I'm not trying to harsh you...just stating my POV. I thought to PM this but...well...I think you want responses via this thread.)

Whoever is saying 'speak to ex at work' needs
For any woman, there is no speaking out of ear shot to an ex, that just intensifies suspicion. What the OP needs to do is talk where his wife can pick up pieces of the convo (no going in another room) & if their is nothing going on, after a while she'll start not caring about those calls. What may be good is communicating only between certain hours (unless there is an emergency) and keep conversations as short as possible.

My wife, also a filipina, has strong jealousy issues with my ex-wife also. I rarely every talk with or see my ex, but I do drive by her house to pick up my kid. This drives my current wife crazy. Its not my kid being here, its just that I was at my ex's house. I can't say I totally understand it, I know my wife tries to make it not bother her, but she just can't seem to help the reaction. It has gotten slightly better over time. But I have learned I have to make a real effort in every way I can so my wife's subconscious reaction doesn't gain control of her. Your wife was probably a lot better with the situation when your ex lived out of state.
Here is how I see my wife views the situation with my ex. Now that she is back, your wife is seriously afraid your ex is really here to get you back. It seems us guys have no choice in the matter, the women decide who we will go with and the first woman gets dibs. After all she was the mother of your children, so she can get you back because she got you once before. You will go back with your ex for the sake of your children. Your children will one day beg you to go back to their mother. Your children will one day threaten to have no relationship unless you go back to their mother.
I think many filipina have no rational way to deal with these feelings some get about ex spouses. Just look at the Philippines, divorce isn't legal and guys tend to keep a wife and multiple mistresses if they can afford it. You are judged subconsciously as living to that standard. When a couple does split, its not common for the spouse that is gone to stay in contact with their kids. She has no reference point to allow herself to be comfortable with the divorced parents that are both involved with their kids relationship. But she's not a rock, she can learn, just don't expect it to happen fast.
I'm not sure if you've had to deal with the dreaded tampo yet, but you certainly are getting it now. One thing I've learned to do is be very open with my wife and try to reduce how much communication I have to do with my ex. My ex prefers not to talk anyway, so that makes it easier for me. Communication I must have, I try to do via email now, and I let my wife know or even read what was said. I also keep my wife on the cell phone when I pick up my daughter. I use a Bluetooth ear piece when ever I go there, so my wife truly realizes I really don't run into my ex very often. Eventually I expect my wife will get used to this situation and feel more comfortable with it. I've seen some headway already, not a lot but some, but she's only been here 7 months now. Find the ways that will allow your wife to feel more secure in what is going on. I'd go to pretty long lengths to make my wife feel secure, that's why I always have the phone on now when I'm getting my daughter. Actually last time I didn't have her on the phone as my wife was busy at the mall and failed to hear my call. I think after a couple of months of me not even running into my ex, she's beginning to realize there's nothing to worry about in that regard. I'll still keep doing it for however long it takes my wife feel secure though. It took me a while to get a handle on exactly what and where the tampo was coming from, as my wife was never really willing to explain what the problem was, I actually don't think she really understood either, she just knew she was scared and jealous. But together we've slowly learned and we're working on getting her past it.

The way your wife is acting is how a lot of Filipina's act with exes. People who are from a different country and never experienced the Filipino culture really don't know what kind of advice to give. Their advice won't be relevant to the Filipino culture. I have had dealings with Filipinas before and the ex thing drives them all crazy. They believe an ex needs to be an ex. Someone else gave advice on talking to your ex-wife on issues about your children while at work, sounds like sound advise and your mother transporting them so you don't see your ex-wife is another piece of sound advice. As hard as it may seem, try to understand what Monreal may be going through. If you do the aforementioned suggestions and limit the contact with youe ex-wife to while you are at work and not around Monreal, then she won't go off the deep end. Like you said, everything was fine before your ex-wife moved back into town, now that she is here, Monreal is threatened, insecure and now is having trust issues. Never get upset when she goes into shutdown mode, that is the way a lot of Filipinas act and deal with the problems they don't want to talk about. You probably will never be able to change it, but you can change the environment that causes it. Learn to pick your battles and let the other ones go. Just change when and where you talk to your ex-wife. I bet if you never do it around Monreal again, you'll have a better marriage. Take the immediate threat away from her and don't do it at the home front anymore, trust me, it is better that way and if you really love Monreal, then try to minimize the problems and understand where she is coming from even if you don't agree with it or think she is right or should act that way. A happy wife make for a happy husband. Good luck and take care.

Most people on this forum used to tell me that I would have it hard and fail because my income is just above the 125%.
I think it depends on the circumstance. Ice and I are fine. We live comfortably. It would be nice to have more extra money, but seriously, we are fine and we do have a lot of extra luxuries. My parents and family helped a lot with our wedding, but as for insurance, rent, payments, etc. I do it all. And I only have an associate’s degree.
I think the system is fine the way it is, because it really depends on the people. Like, do they take in consideration how much debt someone is in? I have virtually no debt, and I know that there are people out there who are millionaires on paper, but are drowning in debt.
I don’ know, I just think that people put too much emphasis on go to school, get a good job, be comfortable. I went to a little bit of school, used my time networking , and landed a pretty good job at a place I like, and now we’re also in the process of starting a new business project. People underestimate people without a degree.

Most people on this forum used to tell me that I would have it hard and fail because my income is just above the 125%.
I think it depends on the circumstance. Ice and I are fine. We live comfortably. It would be nice to have more extra money, but seriously, we are fine and we do have a lot of extra luxuries. My parents and family helped a lot with our wedding, but as for insurance, rent, payments, etc. I do it all. And I only have an associate’s degree.
I think the system is fine the way it is, because it really depends on the people. Like, do they take in consideration how much debt someone is in? I have virtually no debt, and I know that there are people out there who are millionaires on paper, but are drowning in debt.
I don’ know, I just think that people put too much emphasis on go to school, get a good job, be comfortable. I went to a little bit of school, used my time networking , and landed a pretty good job at a place I like, and now we’re also in the process of starting a new business project. People underestimate people without a degree.

He left his very elderly parents, his home, his friends, his previous job, life and country to come live with you in another country. Huge life changing event just to be with you.
Now that something has happened in his family he wants to return to care for his parents. You don't want to go?
Think about it in his shoes....

Wow I can't believe you actually wrote that Racist statement. What I hear in both these statements is there are men who was selling citezenship to marry them. Lets look at this in the case if the OP's wife was from the US. And imigration was off the Table all together. He married a younger women (what do we call them in the States) Thats right a sugar daddy. Now the sugar daddy has no sugar and has his woman supporting him (What do we call that in the states) Thats Right a Pimp. So instead of beating his girl he threatens to send her back to her home country (what do we call that) That's right extortion. The OP himself has not posted a coment on this in a while since questions of his status came into play. For the Comment about a Thai women or a Phillipina is raceist and sterio typical. I am Retired Military and I have known long lasting and short lived relationships from both countries as well as the US. But what is a constent in a great deal of the bad ones is that there are two people and they both have a story.

Bill, it sounds like you're the problem.
As a bartender, she will speak with customers, and they will hit on her. This is what life is like for every female bartender. You have to trust your wife to say no. If she didn't tell you about being hit on, perhaps you should be more suspicious. If she was a bartender in Thailand, and she did more than flirt with customers, you knew precisely what you were getting into.
If she were using you, she'd stay quiet until her status was solid, then leave you the day after she didn't need you. Instead, she's complaining loudly about the lifestyle and you. This would indicate that she did come with honorable intentions. She's also paying for you. Why would she do it if she didn't like you? She doesn't want to be here except for you.
Looking at it from her side, she's in a land she dislikes, paying for a jealous, deadbeat husband who's plotting to deport her.
You are the issue. You married a wife. You didn't buy an indentured servant. Educate yourself, get a job, and be worthy of your wife. All you have are jealous suspicions that would drive any woman into the arms of another.

Not Thailand.

Unfortunately in certain countries it is true.. or at least delayed due to the age difference.. For the phillipines its quite common for a man 20yrs or more older to marry a younger woman and bring her to USA.. in places like Nigeria, pakistan Egypt etc.. we are looked on more closely as it whether is a real relationship or not because being older by more than a couple of years is definitely a red flag for these countries. Im still child bearing age but our age diff is 15 yrs.. we were questioned at length about that... but my husband said isn't it better to love the mother of your children or love the woman you married and have no children than it is to be in a marriage you dont like just to have children. He's right.. we both suffered from past relationships that were hurtful to us.. we plan to try to have our own child but only God can make that decision but neither one of us wants to live without eachother...adoption is always an option..
but.. for these countries its considered a sons duty to have children so thats why the CO looks unfavorably at these relationships... its not often you see an older woman and her younger fiance or spouse get the visa right away.. usually ap is always done in these cases and sometimes it results in a denial even if its a real relationship

I see you haven't studied the culture there much. Even of the law states otherwise you will find that women in Nigeria are chattel. You do not inherit, you need your husbands permission to travel outside the country. The embassy is used to seeing the local cafe scammers talk some lonely older ( usually white ) women into parting with her money and her heart. They are probably 100% sure you believe the relationship is real. What they doubt is your husbands intentions. Half the people that get marriage based visas from Nigeria don't last more than 2 years after the Nigerian steps foot in the US. The stats for older woman / younger man are half that. What did you present above and beyond the basic requirements to show them your relationship is two way and for real. Personally I don't want anymore undie bombers or silly little boys that use fake boarding passes in the US. Maybe they need to raise the bar even higher.

Agreed, that was a crappy comment for someone to make.. and if it was that was the reason given for the denial then it is a load of #######.. was it? Or was it thrown out in the interview to test your spouses response?

If a situation is outside the cultural norms of the local society, the CO is within reason to question it.

You got an F fot not overcoming the red flags. Sometime you earn the F on your own , sometimes the CO is just giving out F's. That is the past, what is your future ?

You can and did marry who you chose. But it is part of the duty of the government is to protect the population of the country. The wishes of one person do no outway the needs of all. You are free to travel to any place that will allow you entry , you can marry any single person you please for the most part. You can not order the governmnet to let this person follow you home. You must satisfy the government that your marriage is for real and that person must pass the government back ground checks. You were given a homework assignment to bring proof that they accept, the first test they gave you an F now is the time to put that energy into getting an A for the final grade.

most here know my story and how it ended but i wanted to add somethings so that you can try to understand something
the ones on the other end in their home country do not realize what we go thru here in our country to them it is the USA after all so things should work like clock work.....at one point perviz father came to our home (he has a green card) to see if we had sent in the paper work and to talk to the attorney that we had hired......they dont understand that frustration and the loneliness that we feel on this end or the frustration we feel with the complete system
on the flip side of that we dont feel or understand the feeling of being abandoned when we leave to come home......in their world everything depends on us and what we do or dont do.....when things dont go right such as one denied visa attempt from the visa journey it is very easy for them to slip into depression and feeling of complete failure....at least he has not thrown in the towel and said enough i cant do this anymore......can you imagine the complete and total feeling of rejection when they are denied a visa?......i dont know about the country that your man comes from but i do know that most third world countries the people living in them tend to distance them self emotionally when going thru something that effects them directly and their future and they try to accept that they will not prevail.....
it takes two very strong people and very strong commitment from both to keep going after one failed attempt in my case one of us was not strong enough.......
i will pray for you and your situation i hope that everything works out the way that its suppose to....
sara

At my end... I think your just frustrated with this whole process (especially being denied the 1st time). Don't let that get to you. I know its hard and if you really love him you should talk with him about this. If he is being unsupportive tell him you need his support. You've come so far to give up. No one (in my surroundings) knows what I am going thru with this immigration stuff and they will never understand. I sometimes feel like I have no one to talk to. I was so happy when I found this website. Keep your head up girlie! This too shall pass.

THANK YOU EVERYONE!!! He got that b*tch, be prepared for a detailed review. BUT STILL SO HAPPY!

:dance: wuhooooo! congrats! you may not know me but i've been following your posts. lol :dance: