babyruthie

Hi, I'm an American man and I can tell you 100% that this is NOT normal behavior for an American man. This is normal behavior for a BAD man (of any nationality). I hate to be the one who says it, but as an American man I've noticed some other American man want to marry a foreign national for the wrong reasons. Some of them, it sounds like your fiance might be one, want to marry a foreign national woman because he believe she will be more submissive and put up with more of his sh*t. Many many more American men are like me. I'm marrying my fiancee because she's the love of my life, her nationality is just part of who she is (though she does have one heck of a cute accent). Most American men, when looking for a wife are looking for a partner for life's journey, but unfortunatly, some men are looking for a servent they can sleep with too. It's really unfortunate, and I'm sorry to say it looks like you're in a situation like this. It's not a typical trait of all American men, but it is a typical trait of all CONTROLING men who use abusive behavior to intimidate thier spouses into doing whatever they want without question. It's not fair to say that it's only men who act this way. Unfortunatly when you add the visa process to the equasion maybe he feels you "owe him" (and you DON'T) There are women who act this way too (and use moodiness to manipulate their significant other). I wouldn't tell you to leave your fiance. This is a personal decision, but I will say, I would have a talk to him and demand the respect you deserve. You don't need him to have a good life and you don't need him to get married. Marriage is about love and partnership and mutual respect. If he can't give you these things freely, then he can't be a good husband and you need to seriously consider going home before it's too late. There are other men. If you're attracted to Americans in general, I can tell you that there are MANY American men who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve.
I'll say this one last thought, and I hope you really think about it. If he can treat you poorly, he will probably treat your CHILDREN (if you have any or will have any) poorly too. So it's not just you getting hurt. It's your children too who need you to protect them. Even if he never lays a hand on you or your children, growing up in a house where you can't predict when your parent may have a violent mood swing is a scary and unstable enviornment that could cause major damage to their psyche.
Please remember, you deserve love and RESPECT. You don't need to stay in any situation where you are not receiving both freely. I hope your fiance realizes this and realizes what a huge sacrifice you have made for him (leaving behind your home and family).
Take care.

More than likely, in the wrong section for this kind of question. Wow, do I have a wonderful wife now, but neither her or me were smart enough to realize that in our younger years. Just literally all kinds of chemical imbalances in the brain with some kind of people. And you quickly learn that in the sacrament of holy matrimony, that the Holy spirit does not fly down from heaven and make things all right.
If you think its bad now, wait until you get hitched, then it really gets miserable, in the case of my wife, her ex started to beat her. Would sure like to meet that guy, but already had enough legal problems with him, but he more than met his match. I can't believe anyone would treat her like this, she is and still is, the sweetest person I have ever met, anywhere.
If you want my advice, don't walk away from this guy, RUN! No this behavior is not normal, he should be treating you like a queen, bring you flowers, and do just about everything for you.
I had to put a retaining order on my ex, not that I couldn't have flattened her with one punch, but was very cognizant of the legal implications, even got full physical custody of my kids. Now that is rare for a guy.
Oh, my children positively love their new stepmom.

Hi Poloniks,
Welcome to VJ. I'm so sorry that you are going thru this issue right now. Unfortunately, Filipino families are generally like that. Being, Filipina myself, I am experiencing the same thing with my family. They expect me to support them "forever"! I am married to a Filipino naturalized USC, he grew up here so his "mentality" about helping my family is totally the opposite of how I feel, so initially it has been a very big issue with us. We were fighting and arguing about about finances during our 1st two years of marriage. But things got better especially when we got kids. Not only that I set limits to what I send them (fortunately I'm a nurse and I make good money) I stood by my husband. Before every time we will have an argument my family will not only take my side but will try to instigate something to make the argument much worse. My aunt and best friend talked some sense to me about standing up for my man and prioritizing my hubby and kids over my family, which is the best decision I ever did. Now, my family can't manipulate me anymore, they know where they stand.
Maybe you and your wife can compromise on something, if she wants to send money to her family she needs to work, however much she wants to send she should work for it. She will only know the value of money if she works hard to earn it. You have to think of your kids future. Make sure you have enough cushion/emergency fund/ retirement fund and things like that.
Stand your ground, I hate to say this but the silent treatment is a form of manipulation, just think of it this way, if you are not in their lives what would they do? Don't send them money, they are all abled body and they can find a way of helping themselves. It just makes me mad sometimes how the in-laws can be so selfish and just think of themselves, do they even think that this is becoming a strain in your marriage?
Well, at the end of the day you guys need to talk about it, set your priorities, if your in-laws get mad at you or both of you, then what are they gonna do? give them the silent treatment too! I wish you good luck and thanks for serving our country, stay safe and God bless you.

Just need to remember and remind your wife and her family that they managed to survive before you came into the picture.

Unfortunately this is a common problem with people with wives from the Philippines. It could also be other countries but there are many many posts about guys being forced to send money home for their wives families who do nothing to help themselves and expect to live off the US income.
I wish I had something to tell you but really, the issues will only resolve with your wife. She needs to be the one to tell her family but it's not going to be easy because she will feel guilt. It might help to get her to speak to other Filipino women in the same situation. Rationally her family can't expect her to keep sending so much money home when she has her own family now and a baby to raise soon.
She is the oldest you said of several children. That's a lot of people to work and give money back to the family so she should feel less guilt knowing that she ISN'T their only hope. She's just the only one that actually cares about the family. If the others cared they'd be working and helping out too.
I'm sorry. Offer her support but at the same time stand firm. Make sure she knows that you aren't withholding money because you're mean but because you love her and your child and you want both her and your child to have everything they need. Her family can survive without her and it's time they did.
Good luck.
**Edit - as someone else said, the silent treatment is a form of manipulation and is very immature. She will need to learn that the silent treatment won't work with you and that talking to you about the problem CALMLY will get more results.

Im sorry to hear about your problems, but before anything, you say you're married but talk about a K-1 Visa? Just clarify a bit on that please, K-1 are for fiancee (not yet married) couples. Perhaps you mistyped and it's K-3?
On the other hand, your responsibility is her and your son. She needs to understand that you cannot support her family, if she doesn't, then maybe she needs to reevaluate who comes first. Because to me, when you choose your partner in life, that's your #1.

how long shes been there?i feel sorry for what she did..i am also a filipina and feel bad whenever i heard stories like this......being away to my hubby kills me everyday cause were missing each other then heres your wife get there in States so easy and doing this kind b.s to you is obviously just mean one thing...she's just using you!i know a filipina who lives close to my house having a usc fiance whose supporting her financially for couple of years and guess what shes been doing???shes using the usc money to her filipino bf and shes sleeping and staying with the filipino guys house it is not a "hearsays" i see it myself ...i hate her so bad and if i only know how to contact her usc bf and tell him what shes been doing while shes gone...and shes also telling her friends that she really dont love her fiance and its all about the money...im like wth!!...if you feel like that theres something going on, decide now for it will get worst later....once you have that chat log translated and it says theres really something going on...you have to follow all this vj'ers advice to you...i know it gonna hurt now but it gonna hurt you even more later when you guys have kids or you guys have been together for so many years.....time will heal and you will be thankful one day that you didnt end up being with someone that will betray you forever in your life....Man that has a good heart and has good intentions with someone deserves better...May God Enlighten you and help you find what your heart is longing for.... Godbless us everyone!