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SnME

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  1. Like
    SnME reacted to rlogan in Sending money to your wife's family for hospital expenses   
    Hi Gilles.
    As you know I kept up with the thread on her manipulative behavior.
    What she is doing now is called the "double bind" and it's a pretty cruel, cold calculating tactic of a manipulator.
    She's borrowed the money and not told you about doing so, because of course you would not approve. The intention is coming to you later with the debt and saying that you either pay the debt or else the consequences of loss of face to the lender etc. are your fault.
    A double bind is where you lose no matter what you do. If you don't pay the debt then there are bad consequences. If you pay the debt you have been blackmailed, which is a bad consequence too. You lose no matter what you do.
    Manipulative people are experts at this tactic. The important thing for you to see is how savage this kind of behavior is. She knows exactly what she is doing. The secrecy is critical. Without the decepetion she cannot put you in the double bind.
    There is a feeling of anguish and hopelessness with the double bind. An expert manipulator puts you on an endless conveyor belt of double binds in order to wear you down, break your will, and make you easier to dominate and control.
    The very best of them also know that a good parasite does not kill its host. So when it looks like you are going to divorce them or do something really serious to threaten their gravy train then they know just how much false hope to instill in you by pretending to become reasonable, shedding tears, making false promises, etc.
    The most clever manipulators will not actually tell you about the debt when it comes due. They will act like something is obviously wrong, cry, and force you to pry it out of them that they borrowed money and oh gosh they feel so horrible about it boo hoo hoo. They'll get their victim feeling so sorry for them that the victim is actually comforting their ruthless tormentor.
    It is quite true that some hospitals will not let you out unless you pay. I told my wife that was preposterous once, but sure enough when she was admitted and I wanted to leave, a guy with a shotgun would not let us off the grounds until we paid in full.
    I had wanted to leave because we could not find the administrators to pay the bill, but if we stayed they would charge us for another day. Talk about blackmail! Good Lord was it a nightmare just paying them. We never went there again.
    But this does not make it your obligation to pay. I recently had to say no to our family for that exact same thing - and it was not extended family. It was my wife's mother.
    We have been sending money, but the rule is that's all they get. Medical expenses are not an emergency. Nor is a funeral, a wedding, or a typhoon. These are events to be expected in the course of life. If you are not saving for them then that means your plan was to come to us for them.
    We do not agree to that plan. The answer is no.
    I am so grateful for my wife. My God how wonderful life has been with her, standing together as a team. Communicating honestly and openly. Saying the difficult but truthful things to her family.
    They have respected us for it, and things are just fine between us.
    I've lived how you are too with a black-hearted manipulators that were capable of insufferable cruelty. I wouldn't wish that life on anyone.
    I would leave her. You mentioned children. My God, you think it's bad now - just wait until you have children.
    If she had agreed to counselling and was serious about admitting her destructive behavior and throwing a lot of effort into changing - that would be one thing. But that is not the situation.
    I wish you well. My life sure is wonderful now, being free of manipulative people.
  2. Like
    SnME reacted to Maxx121 in Sending money to your wife's family for hospital expenses   
    You sir seem to me to be the non confrontational type SHE seems to be the spoiled brat type and they love a fight. No offence but you are spoiling her, if she was spoiled to begin with then you should have known what you were getting yourself into, if she wasnt and you made her this way then thats worse.
    Solution:
    Divorce, if its not that serious then you need to tap into the below:
    Righteous indignation typically a reactive emotion of anger over perceived mistreatment, insult, or malice. It is akin to what is called the sense of injustice. In some Christian doctrines, righteous indignation is considered the only form of anger which is not sinful, e.g., when Jesus drove the money lenders out of the temple. (just just need to get the beggars out - alot harder if you ask me)
    They are your family to now, and if it takes you picking up the phone and letting them know you are not rich, do that. It may get her upset but if she loves you then she will understand.
    If it takes you letting the electricity get turned off and saying to her that this is your fault because your letting those people bleed me dry, then do it and get reeeeeaaaaallly pissed.
    if you cant tap into that anger give me a call and i will have a couple of big black dudes come to your door claiming to be loan sharks telling your wife you owe them money and if you dont pay up they wil break both your legs.
    I mean from what i can gather its been almost a year she has been here and if she still doesnt get it then maybe she wasnt the one. I mean you married her to be with her and care for her, not a bunch of money grubbing show offs that like to get stuff from the US to say they got something from the US tha tthey coudl ahve brought there for cheaper.
    Oh and to me this is key, always have a plan with your money. If you dont have a house, then save up to buy a house, if you have a house, save up to buy another house. If you have two then save up to buy a house in the phills, and if you got it like that tehn you shouldnt be buggin about money. Alot of times your counterpart needs to see that the two of you have a goal in mind and they will not think of money in the bank as there to send back home.
  3. Like
    SnME reacted to tallcoolone in A Joke to liven up the Forum   
    It is a Ghost Town down here. This is horrible the Philippines Section is dead. I agree the over exuberant mods have fvcked up this section
  4. Like
    SnME reacted to SuperDuper! in A Joke to liven up the Forum   
    I think you are right, Jack. This forum used to be fun and lively. Maybe it got a little wild at times, but we policed ourselves and no one got hurt. I think what we are seeing is that active posters got chased away by over exuberant moderators, who are looking for something to moderate. If they want a ghost town here, then they are doing a great job.
    Best wishes on this 4th of July to you and your Pinay. Crack open a cold one, as the 4th of July is THE largest beer consumption day in the US, and thats a fact, Jack!

  5. Like
    SnME reacted to tallcoolone in A Joke to liven up the Forum   
    No doubt about this forum being dead, it just plain suxs to read and I have never seen it this boring. I take a vacation away from here and return from time to time and in my opinion if it stays this boring they might as well shut down the Philippines section.
    What happened here, did the mods run off all the people off this section?
  6. Like
    SnME reacted to DARUMA07 in A Joke to liven up the Forum   
    WIFE FROM HELL A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'


    The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

    Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

    As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

    'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'

    The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

    As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,

    'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

    The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.

    That's an automatic $75 fine.'

    The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

    The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

    And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'W ILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

    The officer looks over at the woman and asks,'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

    (I love this part) 'Only when he's been drinking.!!



  7. Like
    SnME reacted to tallcoolone in prenup   
    Sorry, but you post is full of lots of misinformation, You need to study up or read up on Pre Nups and you are giving a lot of bad information.
    Agreed............
  8. Like
    SnME reacted to rlogan in prenup   
    I vote "no" on pre-nup.
    First of all, your state has standards on divorce and what she is entitled to if it happens. Our state has a basic 50-50 rule on assets acquired during the marriage. But you can agree to anything if it is a dissolution not contested by either party. So look into your state laws on divorce and property, child support or even alimony because that alone may be satisfactory to you and a prenup would be moot in that case.
    Second of all, don't be suspicious that this hot babe likes you. That's just the fact of the matter with women in the third world and men from the first. It's awful tough to get used to being a superstar. Be prepared for fat old arrogant women in the US to have their heads explode as you pass by with this sweet, loving, yummy dollup on your arm as you pass by.
    I actually moved in with my wife and her whole family before applying for the fiance visa. I built a house with her father. Nice young man. (Younger than me.) I cannot recommend strongly enough to really get to know the family, not just her.
    There is quite a bit to learn and respect about her culture. Make the effort. Yes there are scammers everywhere in the world including the philippines, but they have a VERY strong committment to family that I like.
    In answer to your Chinese friend who questioned the love a young Filipina could have for a man like you: Best to be thought merely a retard than to open your mouth and sound like a catty, envious bi#@h too. Heh.
    Filipinas generally like an older, more stable, and secure guy. Be a good man to her and she will love you from head to toe.
  9. Like
    SnME reacted to tallcoolone in proff of current income?   
    Easy Solution
    Set up a DBA, cost about $10 at your county courthouse
    Call a payroll service like ADP and tell and set up payroll for yourself
    Get a couple months of payroll stubs and submit that
  10. Like
    SnME reacted to rlogan in Questions about college expenses   
    Not sure why. It has a very happy ending. We've had two wonderful years now because of it, with a beautiful son and not one problem with the family since the law was laid down.
    I've learned from reading a number of books that the main technique they use is called the "double bind" - they put you in a situation where you lose no matter what you do: if you don't give them the money then you are made to feel bad. But if you give them the money, you are a victim of extortion and that feels bad even though you gave them money to pay the bill. You'll be miserable if you allow them to continually engineer double-binds.
    One way to defeat the double-bind is to shine the white heat of attention on their motives. With the electric bill for example, they'll say they were "too shy" to bring it to your attention until the electricity was about to be shut off. Then it's an "emergency", so it's OK to spring it on you.
    Call them on it. For a whole month they hid that bill from you, knowing full well that they had no plan for paying it, and with instead the intentions of creating an "emergency" to extort it from you. So it is an outright lie to say they were "too shy" to ask for the money. They proven it's a lie because in the end they asked you for it like they intended all along. They just need some plausible deniability, and the emergency they created is how they attempt to cover their tracks.
    It's cruelty, not "shyness". This is a hard thing to say frankly to your wife about her family. But if you don't then you'll face the same thing over and over and over again. This is an elementary technique that children use on their parents, and parents who allow it end up with problem children.
    In the long run people have no respect for themselves nor dignity because they know exactly what they are doing more than anyone else. Our family has that self-respect and dignity now because they're working.
  11. Like
    SnME reacted to rlogan in Questions about college expenses   
    The only thing they understand is "no". So long as you keep forking over money, they have no reason to work or cut expenses.
    My wife spent money I sent for travel expenses on clothes instead. I had already purchased the Superferry ticket and the money was for food, cabs in Manila, etc. I said no. So she went without food and had to walk long distances in Manila. She would not talk to me for two days, but she never did it again.
    The father wasn't working and I heard every excuse in the book about it from my wife. I found him a job in one day using the internet. The mother asked for money to buy pigs, and incredibly didn't bother to tell her husband what her plan was. So she spent the money on chickens instead when he disagreed. I've never sent her another dime for such schemes.
    A lot of them use such things for money laundering. You buy the pigs, they sell them and spend the money, and then ask for more pigs. That isn't a business.
    It sounds like your wife's father is a professional bum like many, and what you will find is that they are cunning, relentless, and have an answer for everything because that is their profession.
    When they tell you the electricity is going to be cut off tomorrow if you don't send money Western Union today - don't pay. Otherwise every month will be the same thing.
    I love my family, but I also told them emphatically that I would leave their daughter if I got so much as one phone call or email with an emergency or crisis they manufactured to get money from us. Medicine for a sick baby is not an emergency. That is a normal life expense they better prepare for instead of blackmailing me for it.
    So now her father has been working for two years. We don't have our intelligence insulted with lame excuses. My wife initially argued with me about it. I would not have married her if she didn't change her mind. She did, and we are very happy on account of it.
  12. Like
    SnME reacted to sjr09 in Questions about college expenses   
    Some (not all) Filipinos see the kano as a cash cow, and a free ride....
    "You can give a man a fish and he eats for a day. You can teach a man to fish and he eats for life"!
  13. Like
    SnME reacted to Filipinawife0210 in Questions about college expenses   
    My situation is different, but similar. My wife doesn't work. I chose it to be that way. I support her 100%, so in that regard it's different. My wife is not the eldest sibling, but is still the one her family looks to when they need money. She has a sister who has totally abused the hell out of her over the past year. Her sis wanted to open a clothing boutique, so asked my wife if she would be willing to foot the up front money for the store. After she and I discussed this at length, we decided to go ahead and help out. Well, long story sort-of-short, she and my wife agreed to a payment plan, so that within 6 months, my wife would no longer hold any part of the business. As of now, my sis-in-law owes my wife 20K PhP and has balked on a loan she took out with my mother-in-law. Who gets stuck with the bill? You guessed it...my wife. My mother and father-in-law are tailors, and have had a rough time. They owned a shop in Masbate, and due to crappy politics, lost their shop about 2 years ago. So, they have tried everything to make money for themselves. Right now, they make charcoal...We are looking at starting a piggery, to give them an added way to make money. But, to stay on point, my wife has held the burden every time her family needs monay. With her sister, I talked my wife into completely writing her sister off. Her sis now sends texts about her dying, and blah blah blah...but My wife has finally taken a stand. I'm proud of her. She still sends money to her mom and dad, but they do well with what she sends. Her elder brothers and another sister help out as well...but I think that because my wife is married to a kano, that is the primary reason for her being held responsible...
  14. Like
    SnME reacted to Atencio in Questions about college expenses   
    My sister inlaw works for local government and they get around taxes and benefits by having her work as a temporary employee; for over 10 years now
  15. Like
    SnME reacted to JORDANTONI09 in Questions about college expenses   
    I worked for a Korean national before my latest job as a Web Researcher and he didn't give me any benefits either but they're easy to scare. If she has been with the company for over a year, I think it's fair for her to ask for a raise. Since she isn't being given any benefits, I surmise that she at least gets the money intended for the SS, Phil Health, etc. If not then I empathize with her even more. What line of work is she in? I know all about employers evading taxes. It all boils down to greed. Rather sad but it's a reality that the employees have to deal with on a day to day basis. Pffft.
    I wish you two all the best!
    She seems like a strong woman. She'll surmount this hurdle.
    Toni
  16. Like
    SnME reacted to SuperDuper! in Why there are pinays out there who feels so conceited about theirselves once they arrived here in the States?   
    What about the members who know the secret to getting around the censored words and use 4 letter profanities without penalty? It happens all the time here, and don;t see you coming down on them.
  17. Like
    SnME reacted to Old Dominion in Why there are pinays out there who feels so conceited about theirselves once they arrived here in the States?   
    ummm...watch the language here. Not so many understand Tagalog
  18. Like
    SnME reacted to Dogwood_Poet in Marriage in the Philippines   
    As someone who got married in the Philippines, I think there are several advantages:
    1. The visa process is a lot simpler AND cheaper! (if you can call anything dealing with the US government simple)
    2. Once your wife arrives in the US, she can start work, school, apply for driver's license within a few weeks instead of having to file AOS.
    3. You can throw one heck of a wedding in the Philippines for pennies on the dollar compared to the US!
    4. Having the wedding there lets you show you care about her family as well as her. (Lots of brownie points from wife and in-laws!) (joke!)
    Just remember to get your 'Legal Capacity to Marry' from the US Embassy so you can get your marriage license and to plan for the 10-day waiting period before you can get married.
  19. Like
    SnME reacted to Jared and May in Questions about college expenses   
    We're planning on paying for most of my sister-in-law's college courses, but I made it pretty clear that the money will be managed by her mother. I love my future sister, but she's young and the thought of having so much money is probably too much for her to manage. My wifey's mother is an absolute sweetheart, and amazing at making a peso last. I'm also going to be firm about seeing grades at the end of each semester. If she's not working, she should be studying her tushy off. :thumbs:
  20. Like
    SnME reacted to Atencio in Questions about college expenses   
    I think you are just butting your head against what is a cultural norm there. My wife as the oldest daughter paid for all four of her siblings to go to school. Her family values education above all else which is one of the reasons she got married at an older age. Her family did not pay for her education as she received a full scholarship to UOP-Cebu. Nevertheless they still supported her with encouragement.
    She also loves her family which you have to kind of suspect given that is also a general Filipino norm.
    I guess to quote "it is what it is". I think for yourself you just have to figure out how you can support your fiancee and don't try to change what she is doing too much. It just may add extra stress on her in trying to satisfy opposing groups in her family and yourself.
  21. Like
    SnME reacted to april082010 in Questions about college expenses   
    That sucks about her job not remitting SS payments and not providing health insurance. In my case, since i was the oldest i also help out all my younger siblings to go to college. Gladly they able to finished their studies. I ended up going to college and working full time. My younger sibling finished college earlier than me. We are 5 and when i started my schooling I was on the same level as my youngest sibling. I hope she'll be able to sort it out. I admire her good heart. I don't wanna comment about the family, you can't correct the mistakes of the parents by looking at their faults. Though she refuse about getting money from you.. you could send her gifts even simple once to ease her burden.
  22. Like
    SnME got a reaction from april082010 in Questions about college expenses   
    Her family is poor and spent nothing on her education. My girl worked part-time when she was in highschool just so she could have a few pesos to rub together.
    As far as giving her money goes - I explained that already but you did not READ.
    As for your comment about my dogs - That was rude. Wish there was a button to leave bad rep for comments like that...
  23. Like
    SnME got a reaction from piglett in Questions about college expenses   
    Her family is poor and spent nothing on her education. My girl worked part-time when she was in highschool just so she could have a few pesos to rub together.
    As far as giving her money goes - I explained that already but you did not READ.
    As for your comment about my dogs - That was rude. Wish there was a button to leave bad rep for comments like that...
  24. Like
    SnME reacted to Tahoma in Has anyone use agency to help fill out paper work for CR-1   
    Maybe your future wife would be willing to learn the paperwork. Have you asked her?
  25. Like
    SnME reacted to Deputy Purple in Has anyone use agency to help fill out paper work for CR-1   
    FWIW, nobody is "familiar with the paper work" until they have completed it.
    My wife and I did all of our paperwork together and we don't regret it. It was something that we were able to accomplish as a team. We both learned a lot about other in the process (such as how we learn things and tackle problems).
    It really isn't that complex and honestly any service or lawyer is going to request the same amount of information just on different forms and then they will transcribe your answers to the USCIS forms.
    Why not do as much as you can and then return to VJ with questions about the rest of it?
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