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  1. Like
    SnME got a reaction from piglett in Sending money to your wife's family for hospital expenses   
    When she made the "My Boyfriend" comment, You should have started packing her bags for her... That is not something that she should be joking about IMHO.
    If it was "her" bank account (as you claim above), You should not have used it without asking her first. Does she have to ask YOU before using YOUR bank account???
    When she said the stuff about how "they would kill her if she doesn't pay it back", You should have asked for her sisters phone number. Let her know for sure that she could easily be replaced by someone better...
    Her lies to you now WILL get worse as time goes by. You 'allow' her to do this to you and should have put your foot down from the start.
    You should have spent more time getting to know this girl BEFORE you married her.
  2. Like
    SnME reacted to Deputy Purple in Sending money to your wife's family for hospital expenses   
    Tell her that you're already at "Plan D - Divorce".
    Seriously, you've given it every chance that you could and several that you shouldn't have.
    Getting interested in her religion won't help, she doesn't follow it anyway.
    Is she treating you like someone who loves & cares about you?
    Tell her if she wants the house then she'll have to pay the mortgage otherwise she can opt for a cheaper apartment so she might still be able to afford to send money back home.
    Don't invest money in her education, if she wants it then she can pay for it.
  3. Like
    SnME reacted to DARUMA07 in Fraudulent Marriages   
    That just about gave me wood........
  4. Like
    SnME reacted to DARUMA07 in Fraudulent Marriages   
    Steven, honestly I believe when there is major differences in age, attractiveness and income will open the door to being scammed. As ways to prevent these things from happening, a person has to rely on GUT INSTINCT........ If they think they are being scammed then they probably are!!!
    Get to know your SO family and friends.... Take your time !!!! Let the relationship grow before making any commitment to marriage.. These are just a few things that might help prevent it.... I'll let others chime in on their ways to preventing these things from happening....
    Been a long day! Gotta crash!!
  5. Like
    SnME reacted to Deputy Purple in Fraudulent Marriages   
    I want to answer your poll but I can't because under "What were the things during your long distance courtship that built your trust in your relationship?" you don't have "She/He never asked me for Money." and "She/He only told me about an financial problems they were facing AFTER they had resolved it without my help."
  6. Like
    SnME reacted to gueuze in Honesty, Fidelity and Culture   
    I had a Filipina officemate before and according to her:
    1. she has a married Fil-Chinese bf
    2. while in a relationship with that guy, she had a one-night stand with her married boss
    3. she got pregnant and was threatened by the person who impregnated her so they cut ties
    4. she raised her kid who is now about 5 years old after telling her married bf
    5. the married bf keeps supporting her and the child that's not his
    6. she kept a sexual relationship with an engaged guy while keeping the married bf
    7. she stopped the fubu relationship with the engaged guy a day before he got married
    8. she corresponded with a military guy who promised to bring her to Virginia but later on said that he would be deployed to Iraq so plans must change
    9. she now chats with a divorced ex-military American who has a six-year-old child
    10. she is still with the Fil-Chinese bf
    all those guys are not more than 35 years old while she is in her late 20's
    That woman and I are somehow friends for more than a year now but we just have completely different values.
    She is a great mom and a great friend but her relationships are terrible so I rarely make comments on that matter.
    IMO, she is hugely insecure. It makes her feel special whenever someone showers her with monetary gifts and attention. I guess insecurity has a lot to do with infidelity. There are people who crave to feel wanted, desired. They find affirmation of their worth that way. They fail to realize that security starts within oneself. They want other people to make them feel how important, wanted, and valued they are.
  7. Like
    SnME reacted to VanessaTony in Heartbroken and deceived---need help/advice   
    It is likely that she's not happy, but that it's still fraud because while she may not be happy, marrying you is a means to an end. Whether that's income for her family, bringing a new husband over once yuo're out of the picture.. who knows.
    What I do know is cheating is never good. Day after the wedding is abhorrent. it is 100% clear that she only married you for the greencard. There's not other reason to be telling another person the DAY after your wedding that she loves them.
    I would wait for the translations though.. might not be as bad, or could be worse, than it looks.
    **Edit - what part of the process are you at? Biometrics done? EAD or AP received? How many days/weeks or months have passed since you applied? It is possible to get the GC without an interview so time is of the essence if you want to "send her home". Not to mention getting her out of the house, never being alone with her in case she tries VAWA... lots to do and I don't know how much time you have.
  8. Like
    SnME reacted to SuperDuper! in Heartbroken and deceived---need help/advice   
    +1. Send her back!

  9. Like
    SnME reacted to David & Kezia in Heartbroken and deceived---need help/advice   
    It sounds like she purposely sought you out just to marry you and be able to go to the US. It's a simple and oldest psych trick of courtship to get you hooked and attached, then make you miss her and go after her. Send her home, annul her, and report her to the Dept of State (USCIS, Embassy, etc.).
    As for the translations, you may email or PM me those chat logs.
  10. Like
    SnME reacted to Sunny123 in Heartbroken and deceived---need help/advice   
    Sounds like she may have just used you to get into the U.S. If you gut insticts are telling you something is wrong listen to them there's usually a reason why... As far as tranlating them just google translator and there are many different free translator services available. There's one actually available from Google and from yahoo. I hope everything works out for you.
  11. Like
    SnME reacted to Zai & Gary in Heartbroken and deceived---need help/advice   
    I would not adjust status for her at this point. Put her on a one way flight back to the Philippines. She appears to have just wanted to immigrate here.
  12. Like
    SnME reacted to rheanick in Can I be banned from the Philippines?   
    She is just scaring you. Just divorce her.
    If you fell in love with another filipina and you dont want to go to the philippines, just meet her in another country to abide with the requirements of meeting in person. Filipinos are not required to get any visa in visiting other southeast asian countries.
  13. Like
    SnME reacted to rheanick in Sending money to your wife's family for hospital expenses   
    You really have to sit down with her and make her face the fact regarding your financial status. She has to accept the fact that she did not marry a rich guy. And she has to keep her butt moving if she wants to have luxurious life.
    It is unfortunate that you married a woman who thinks you have a money pit she could withdraw from. And it is unfortunate that she married a guy who is not rich enough for her.
    If you want to keep your marriage, she has to work on it too. If she is not willing to help you, she is not worth it. You both deserve someone else.
  14. Like
    SnME reacted to Tahoma in Sending money to your wife's family for hospital expenses   
    Yup...Gilles blindly continues to obsess about the symptoms...and to ignore the disease.
    And he won't go to counseling to find out why.
  15. Like
    SnME reacted to Kevin- in Sending money to your wife's family for hospital expenses   
    It may be useful for you to learn a few things about what the Bible says, so you can help her to learn more about what she claims to believe. One of two things will likely happen: She will realize that she needs to change and change. Or, she will realize (perhaps subconsciously) that she does not actually want to accept it, and will become worse.
    The Bible teaches a family hierarchy. The man has the authority and the responsibility as head of the household. The situation you face is evidence as to why this is a good guideline. Men are commanded to Love their wives, while women are commanded to Respect their husbands. The concept of respect comes naturally to men, but not to women; and the ability to love obviously is how women are built, but not so much men. Women have to "work" at being respectful, and men have to "work" at being loving. If both the man and the woman concentrate on this, the marriage will flourish. Men have to learn to ask themselves "will saying or doing this make my wife feel loved?", while women must ask themselves "will my husband feel that respect him?". Very often wives will say "he has to earn my respect first!", but then this leads to men having a very hard time being loving to a woman who disrespects him.
    Also, regarding her "license to be bad". If she is using forgiveness as an excuse to do whatever she wants, then I feel the need to ask what denomination she follows? Knowing this will help me compare what she believes with what the Bible actually teaches, if you would like to help her understand it better. Only a few denominations teach that one can do whatever they want, whenever they want, and just use forgiveness to absolve all responsibility. This is very clearly not how forgiveness and repentance work according to the Bible. We are not forgiven if we intend to do whatever it was again. Forgiveness is freely given, but we have to actually repent in order to receive it. Repentance means not merely acknowledging wrongdoing, but also desiring to never do it again.
    On the bright side, it means she at least knows that what she is doing is bad, if she knows there is a need to be forgiven for it.
    Also, you can suggest to her that she pray for God's guidance in her decisions (which specifically opposes a common attitude of making selfish decisions and then praying for help in executing them)
    If it would help, I can provide Bible references for all of these.
    There's nothing wrong with him coming here seeking advice from others. Some people go to bars and "whine" to the bartender, or their buddies, or whoever else. Some people use internet forums. I personally don't call it whining. For one, I don't think I was involved in his previous threads, so in the off chance that I (or anyone else who has encountered it for the first time in this particular thread) happen to offer one useful bit of advice, his posting another thread here was surely worthwhile.
    There's also nothing wrong with him putting up with her for an eternity. It's that thing called love. See my signature regarding the definition of love.
    You may be right about trying to out-manipulate the manipulator, but maybe we can collectively with that.
  16. Like
    SnME reacted to Maxx121 in Sending money to your wife's family for hospital expenses   
    my first wife was very irresponsible with money, caused huuuuge arguments and finally when we got divorced (more than just money) i felt financial freedom again. Now i have saved and saved purchased my first home, met a beautiful new woman who is young and responsible (the two words rarely go for americanized women ) and looking forward to the future.
    sucks to go half way around the world and wind up with the type of women you coulda found in your own backyard.
    Life is full of choices if you love her then fine, but love can only take you so far before your sanity is thrown out the window.
  17. Like
    SnME reacted to Deputy Purple in Sending money to your wife's family for hospital expenses   
    At this point it's more than just being irresponsible with money...
    She's manipulating & being untruthful to you.
  18. Like
    SnME reacted to Ann Marie and Leo in Sending money to your wife's family for hospital expenses   
    I think that sums it up quite well
  19. Like
    SnME reacted to adiiann in Sending money to your wife's family for hospital expenses   
    I...... agree...
  20. Like
    SnME reacted to Tahoma in Sending money to your wife's family for hospital expenses   
    My thoughts?
    You have been putting up with her ####### for over a year, and then whining about it here on VJ.
    You are foolishly trying to out-manipulate a master manipulator.
    Why haven't you been to counseling yourself so you can find out why you continue to put up with her #######?
    I wouldn't put up with her attitude for a nano-second.
  21. Like
    SnME reacted to Tahoma in Sending money to your wife's family for hospital expenses   
    Pinay words of wisdom...
    ...helping is good.. just dont abuse the person who is helping...
    If you have extra money, give a certain amount that you are comforatble with...
    ...his wife has an attitude...
    I'm glad that me and my husband are so transparent with each other, and we're able to talk about everything, even the most awkward things.
    In my point of view...money that was given is easier to spend than money that you've worked hard for...
    I also wonder why you cant just stop your wife and just be in control. Let your wife say what she wanna say.
    I wonder when are you gonna take action about whats shes been doing? are you just gonna keep on posting the same issue here on vj?
    Matt and Evieve...
    Husband and wife should be honest to one another especially when it comes to money.
    ...no matter how much money they will send to their family in the Philippines, it will never be enough.
    ...did she marry you in order to get here and work to earn money for her family? or did she marry you in order to build a family of your own? and which reason weighs more?
  22. Like
    SnME reacted to Kevin- in Sending money to your wife's family for hospital expenses   
    I agree and disagree with that. I quoted him in agreement earlier, because the principle is sound. If you live in the Philippines, you're likely to live through some typhoons. If you're a human on this earth, you're likely to encounter medical expenses at unexpected times. Some medical expenses can be beyond what a person is ever capable of saving up for. But if they're asking for "help" by seeking the whole bill from their one relative in America every single time something happens, then they're obviously just relying on that person. Responsible people plan for the "known unknowns" as much as they can.
    If, on the other hand, the family only asks for help when it's really needed, that's a different thing. There is also the fact that some families are just really, really poor and can't do much beyond day to day living. In those situations I say the help should include "teach a man to fish".
    A little off topic: If you really want to help somebody over there get ahead, help them take a high quality English course (if needed), get them a reliable computer with reliable internet, and help them learn web development. They can use sites like odesk.com to make a good living providing a useful service. Web development is just an example that I'm personally aware of, anything that can be done on a remote contract basis would work.
  23. Like
    SnME reacted to Kevin- in Sending money to your wife's family for hospital expenses   
    Gilles, I'm praying for you and your wife.
    I hope she is not a purely evil manipulator as Bob suspects. I hope she will realize that she is in error, and that the good part of her will feel guilty for the way she is acting.
    I don't know if I've read your other threads, but in this one you present evidence that can be seen two ways. She may be fighting conflicting emotions, including guilt, because she feels overwhelmingly obligated to help her family, but also knows she should be responsible with you, "her new family". It could also be what Bob says. I hope what he said about her behavior around other men is purely speculation extending from the financial infidelities, and isn't actually happening.
    Does she believe in God? If she does, then a simple pair of questions can and should be applied to her actions. Ask her: Do you believe in God? (rhetorical to remind her) Does God approve of this? Explain the consequences of her actions as they pertain to you and her. You could include the comparison Bob made about her acting like the enemy, going behind your back and lying about it.
    I imagine the further away people are from enforcement of that new law, the more likely the hospitals will not release you if you don't pay. I know Bel's sister was held for several days when their baby was hospitalized. We helped, but we couldn't afford to pay the whole thing, and Bel does not want everyone relying on us for every need, just as Bob mentioned:
    And Adiiann mentioned: I have a personal "weakness" in that if we can afford it, I'm tempted to help her family there with every thing they need. But this is not good for them. People need to support themselves, especially the siblings who are more than capable of supporting themselves. We've decided to help her mother, because most likely the siblings will stop supporting mom because there's a 'kano in the family now. But we are going to be careful about that, so that it's only for mom, and strongly encourage the younger siblings to get out on their own and live in their own means. Most people who are given a free ride through life become irresponsible and selfish people. Working for a living tends to teach a respectful attitude, and a healthy level of humility.
    If you seek counseling BE CAREFUL!!! Not all counselors are equal, and not all counselors actually want to help marriages, even if they are using the Marriage Counselor title. Some female marriage counselors are actually stout anti-male feminists who want to carefully dismantle the marriages of the women who come to them for help. I imagine this is not common, but it definitely does happen. I personally know people who have had this happen to them. Imagine a marriage counselor telling the woman to do this: One night the husband is cooking dinner. When he's almost done she gathers the kids and goes to pick up some fast food. They bring it right back home and eat it at the kitchen table, all without her saying anything to him. She's been informed that if he gets angry about this, then he's an evil, terrible man and she should consider leaving him.
    Finally, your patience is a virtue. Don't let anyone tell you to stop being patient.
  24. Like
    SnME reacted to rlogan in Sending money to your wife's family for hospital expenses   
    One of the things that you learn to do Gilles is to watch what people do instead of listening to what they say.
    I was deficient that way. It was a personal weakness of mine. Too trusting. Naiive. Gullible.
    It isn't worth anguishing over what she says and what it means. The only thing you can go by is what she does.
    I can tell you what else she is doing: She's sending out feelers with other men. Dropping little hints, making allusions, turning on the charm and then turning it off. She's evaluating how they are responding. Lining up candidates. Eliminating others.
    All of her actions - whether it is work or school & etc. have that component figured into it. I am not saying that she is actively pursuing an affair. What she is doing is keeping that option available in subtle ways, always covered in plausible deniability. By the looks of things, she will dump you if she can engineer the opportunity, rather than vice-versa.
    You can talk about what you are going to do when the debt comes due, and how you are going to take full control of her income - but you can't plan with manipulators. You did not plan for her borrowing money in secret and against your will, and you can't plan for whatever she does next.
    About the only thing you can count on is that like now, she will treat you as an enemy: do it behind your back and lie about it.
    Like a lot of men, all she's got to do is charm you in bed and the most aggregious kinds of acts are forgotten. But what you have to remember is manipulative people are not capable of love and empathy. They can just as easily snuggle up to a rotting corpse as they can with you.
    She's going to paint you in the eyes of other people in the manner that best suits her objectives. With potential lovers you are the manipulative, controlling, abusive ogre. They'll be set up to play the hero, rescuing her from your clutches. That is an irresistable role for a lot of men.
    A person who demonstrates such brutal infidelity about money wouldn't think twice about other forms of infidelity. Your feelings are immaterial. People are objects to attain ends. The things that matter to her are cold calculations like where she is on permanent residency, what options she has available - not marriage vows.
    When the next infidelity comes, and the next one after - I am not one to gloat with "I told you so". It's a sad thing.
    So many beautiful, kind, and giving Filipinas out there pining away for a man. That's who I think about in these situations. The nice girls that would knock themselves out to take her place.
    But Hey! I could be totally wrong and tomorrow she shows up with two of her scorching-hot younger friends and says "honey, I want to make this up to you..." Might be a game-changer in the offing, y'know?
    Best of luck.
  25. Like
    SnME reacted to adiiann in Sending money to your wife's family for hospital expenses   
    Hi Giles!
    I happened to pass by to your thread.... so while I am resting in front of my computer.... I would give my one-fourth cent.... LoL
    About your situation in hospital bills, you wife can help them but probably to a certain extent only that your financial side will not suffer. My one-eighth cent on this, she probably not the only family member and shouldn't be paying all the bills. Her other relatives could contribute in paying hospital bills as hospital bills are really expensive. Like for instance, I have uncle-grandpa that doesn't have kids, so when he got hospitalized, I gave money for the bills but I only gave what I really can afford to give (which mean the extra money that we usually have to buy some non-necessities stuff). The rest of my family members contributed to help paid his bills.
    This is just my mere observation and I don't intend to insult anybody nor hurt feelings by addressing this. Most Filipinas have this so-called "kayabangan" and sending money to their family implicate progress to their family. It will give their neighbors the notion that they are getting rich and they would be above them in terms of status in life (esp. if they came from a poor way of living). So no matter how much money they will send to their family in the Philippines, it will never be enough.
    My one-eighth cent of your situation, did she marry you in order to get here and work to earn money for her family? or did she marry you in order to build a family of your own? and which reason weighs more?
    You said you asked your wife about the future of your kids(if you already have), my husband asked me that too because we're comparing the way of living here and in the Philippines. I told him that we will save for our kids education and probably send them to Philippines for college if the quality of education is the same.
    I am probably bias on my opinion or probably I am addressing some truth, I don't send money to my family in the Philippines like how most of the Filipinas regularly do because for me, helping is necessary but it always have boundaries. I have family here to take care of (though, just my husband and our little pup only for now). I have to think ahead of my family's future. I sound probably selfish, but come think of it, I didn't go in this foreign land to earn money for people that probably not thinking of my future but only what their present, I went here to build a family that I will call my own and have them until I could work no more.
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