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sandinista!

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  1. Like
    sandinista! got a reaction from BasmaHicham in Happy stories of American women +Moroccan husbands   
    My husband has been here for four years this month, and we've been married that long as well. We still like each other.
  2. Like
    sandinista! got a reaction from amul in Older American woman Younger Algerian man   
    There's a wide range of MENA male capabilities and norms among guys in their 20s living at home, just like any other group of guys. My husband came to the US knowing some basic cooking and cleaning and self sufficiency skills, and actively worked to learn more of these skills while we have been married. No women in his house wait on any males in his house hand and foot. But there's plenty of stories and experiences shared here in MENA over the years of utter incompetence in these areas, and the guys seeing absolutely nothing wrong with that incompetence, and not looking to make any changes or improvements there. Some relationships with American females are totally ok with that. Others it takes completely by surprise, and it becomes a big source of conflict. Reading experiences shared on this website since 2006, I've seen a lot of complaints and frustration expressed about it. Far too many to write off. And far too many to agree with general statements about how it's silly not to assume that guys in their 20s, MENA or not, are totally prepared to run households with women of any age. That's ridiculous.
    Money has been a major source of conflict too, I've read countless complaints about MENA guys who once they start working in the US contribute absolutely zero to the financial needs in the house. This has to be discussed beforehand. There are no guarantees at all that a MENA guy in his 20s, or any other guy, is financially responsible, or knows how to or wants to contribute to household expenses, just because Madeinmorocco2 says they " understand the meaning of money and how to spend money wisely at a very young age as we start working and helping our families live." No. That is not even remotely a universal truth. MENA guys can be just as big of losers in this area as any other guys.
    Comparing broken marriage rates in the US of same age couples to couples with age differences in Morocco is like trying to compare apples to bowling balls, Madeinmorocco2. Sociologically, there are HUGE differences, reasons, and consequences that make it impossible to compare side by side the way you're trying to do here. Pointless comparison really.
  3. Like
    sandinista! reacted to sammar2056 in Our Quest Complete - the condensed version   
    Hi, my name is Sandy and our quest began in November of 2012. We met on a website via messages. I never fathomed in a million years that a year later I'd be traveling 7000 miles to North Africa, Tunisia to marry. But I did, and we did on June 20th 2013 at the town hall. My father -in -law missed it due to his cab breaking down. We had two of his father's friends as witnesses. I stayed there for 14 days and then had to leave for home again.. without my Houcem. I wanted to write this to you all to tell you one thing.. it was worth the tears to have him here. There is not a moment in time where I regret where we are today.. I didn't make enough money so I tried for a sponsor, no luck. I ended up getting a 2nd job and worked that until I made what was needed.
    We were also told we probably wouldn't get approved due to our age difference. He's here with me. It did get approved. Houcem made a scrapbook of all the western union receipts he had from me sending him money. We had letters from the first time he sent me snail mail. We had messages online. Skype logs, fb logs, phone records from my end, anything we shared or wrote , photos from skype, it's all important.
    The biggest issue we had was port of entry in Chicago. He was detained 15 hrs and the airline refused to give me any information on his whereabouts. It was hell for me on my end.. and worse on his. They threatened to send him back to Tunisia. They threatened to put him in jail. There were 14 officers surrounding him, egging him on, pushing whatever button they could find to rile him up, hoping he'd snap I guess. He had to see an immigration judge who was an immigrant himself and thus approved him. It was a fight to get him here, but never did either of us give up.
    That's what you all need to do.. fight for the right to have your spouse or family member with you. Just when you think you can't handle the stress anymore, take a deep breath and press on. It's work but it's worth it.
    We are having a lot of firsts here. I am seeing the world I sometimes take for granted with a new set of eyes. He's had his first birthday here, first chocolate chip cookies, we actually celebrated our 2nd anniversary with him here on US soil.. and on our anniversary this past June, he received his green card in the mail. He now works for the same company I do. He's my best friend, the love of my life, my Arabian Knight..
  4. Like
    sandinista! got a reaction from R and F in For All MENA members ...   
    Posting to commemorate the anniversary of this amazing thread.
  5. Like
    sandinista! got a reaction from elmcitymaven in How to deal with an EXTREMELY stubborn spouse?   
    So if the housing and employment option you found is unconscionable by his (not atypical for a more conservative minded person from MENA) standards, is he providing shelter, food, clothing, and all of your other daily needs and expenses?
  6. Like
    sandinista! reacted to elmcitymaven in How to deal with an EXTREMELY stubborn spouse?   
    Are you not willing to bend yourself? It seems you are aligned with different poles, neither willing to shake their conviction. But marriage or any relationship means compromise in matters great and small, and communicating effectively as much as possible. If both are immoveable, there is deadlock, which is damaging to a healthy relationship
    Are you not willing to compromise yourself? In the absence of any information relating to the content of the disagreement, it's not easy for us to give better counsel.
  7. Like
    sandinista! reacted to elmcitymaven in Marital woes   
    Thank you, Otter. I thought I was going crazy! We are all -- men and women alike -- creatures with agency. We can choose or not choose to stray outside the marriage. If you are secure in your relationship, there is either no or minimal temptation to cheat. Four of my best friends in this town are men. Two of them are my exes! I frequently see them without having my significant other chaperone me because, uh, I'm an adult and I get to have my own friends. When I'm going to hang out with any of them, sure, I mention it to my SO because I want him to know that I won't be around that evening. It's polite. He doesn't think that any boy and girl parts are going to get frisky. I have my friends of both sexes, and he has his. We trust each other because we communicate well and hurting the other would be worse than tearing off our own limbs.
    While going alone in a car with a stranger is a bad idea, it's not a bad idea because somebody's pee-pee might fall into someone's hoo-hoo. It's a matter of safety -- you have no idea who this person is, where they might take you, if they might commit some crime upon you. It's totally understandable that your husband might be upset that you didn't tell him beforehand that you were going to a meetup, because telling our beloveds what our plans are is polite and respectful. It's not totally understandable that he was upset because he assumed you were going to cheat on him.
    You are without friends for the summer. You want to do things that your husband is not interested in. You are allowed to have your own life. While your husband may be number 1 in your life, your very best friend, that doesn't mean you cannot do things without him. It is in our lives outside our relationships that we learn important things about our lives within our relationships. If you want this marriage to flourish, you guys need to communicate better and grow trust and respect between you. This may be me, but I would never be in a relationship where the other party wanted to control who I wanted to hang out with if the third party wasn't a threat to or a drain on me.
  8. Like
    sandinista! reacted to Cathi in Experiences of Discrimination Against Immigrants   
    you stated your family tried to convert him and shoves pork in his face. This is not normal and it's troubling. You should tell your family to cut the ####### and not put your husband in that position, it's disturbing. And you also stated that he tells you what you should or should not wear. I am well aware of of the vow of modesty Muslim women take, and I have no issue with it whatsoever, your body, your choice. But if you have taken that vow of modesty and you are aware of what you should/shouldn't, can/cannot wear there is no reason for hubby to step in and tell you.
  9. Like
    sandinista! reacted to Cathi in Experiences of Discrimination Against Immigrants   
    A lot of what people are posting here is the extreme. My husband has not had one single incidence of discrimination since he as set foot in this country. Everyone has welcomed him with opens arms, friends and family. He didn't have any problem with culture shock, he adjusted well right from the beginning. The only thing that was difficult was the separation from his family, but with Skype and whatsapp he is in constant contact with them. My husband had no problem getting his drivers license right away, he had no problem finding employment or making friends. My husband doesn't tell me what I can or cannot wear, he doesn't make me or expect me to wait on him hand and foot, in fact he takes better care of me a lot of the time, especially now that I am undergoing chemotherapy. I am reading these stories of families not accepting their new sons in law and it just seems really cruel and immature to me and I cannot even imagine my family being like that, they just wouldn't. I can also speak for many other couples who I know personally whose husbands have immigrated where the husband is Muslim and the wife may or may not be, not one couple has had any issues with pork "being pushed in their faces" by family members, in fact my family ALWAYS makes sure there is pork free food at get togethers, and none of the couples have had any family members try to convert anyone. It's all about acceptance and tolerance and it's sad and even scary to read such stories. Please don't be scared off by these people, call the local mosque, reach out and ask for help, research where you can buy halal food(my husband eats meat from the supermarket), the more you know and the better informed you are the easier his transition will be. Good luck!
  10. Like
    sandinista! reacted to Cathi in Experiences of Discrimination Against Immigrants   
    This is just screwed up. why would your parents do this,? If my parents, family or friends ever tried to convert my husband or "shove pork" in his face I would be livid. Seriously. That is just really effed up. Just as my husband would be pissed if his family every tried to convert me.
  11. Like
    sandinista! reacted to Cathi in Experiences of Discrimination Against Immigrants   
    This is your husband and his family, and does not represent the majority of Muslim men in this generation. I can tell you for a fact that my husband was VERY thankful that I called the local mosque and spoke to the Imam before he arrived. I agree with the others here in saying that most Muslim men have no problem with their wives reaching out for help on behalf of their husbands here in the US. You make it sound like Muslim men are these scary tyrants whose wives live in fear of doing something wrong all of the time, this is so NOT true. My husband treats me as an equal in every aspect of our marriage and life and if that were not the case, we wouldn't be married. Period.
  12. Like
    sandinista! reacted to Cathi in Experiences of Discrimination Against Immigrants   
    I called the local mosque long before my husband arrived to do exactly what Darnell suggested and no one had an issue with it. Not the Imam, not my husband, as a matter of fact the Imam was very helpful, and my husband was very thankful. It is a very good idea, in my opinion, to contact the local mosque before his arrival.
    FYI I am Catholic
  13. Like
    sandinista! reacted to walrusbaby in Experiences of Discrimination Against Immigrants   
    I am a Muslim and I don't think you know enough about Islam to talk about what Muslim men want or do not want. I see your husband is a Moroccan Muslim. Islam isn't the same in every country. A Turkish muslim would see it less as a "slap in the face" if his wife helped him. I'm sure a husband in Indonesia would react in another way. You think there's a "Muslim culture" when it's more probable that your husband reacts more in a cultural than religious way.
  14. Like
    sandinista! reacted to RFQ in I'm back?   
    My first two children are 9 and 6 and thank God its gone quite smoothly for us. I try not to undermine my husband. I TRY to discuss things in private unless I feel that he is starting to discipline them for something I have previously allowed. It was difficult at first, but my kids adore my husband and have embraced him in a special way. Only they know how they feel inside but they give him all the respect of a father and freely give their love to them. Its tricky sure-- we've had many discussions, some in front of the kids on our differing opinions. I still hold the ultimate decision when it comes to them but I have trust in my husband's decisions as well.
  15. Like
    sandinista! reacted to tany1157 in I'm back?   
    I know I'm being irrational, because I decided to talk with my son yesterday about my feelings. He pretty much says I'm being crazy because he just sees it as it is. He is his step parent, and he respects that. He says he loves him, and looks up to him and understands everyone has a different way of doing things. Makes me feel good that I have such a smart little boy. I told him to call me out next time I get defensive. ? I appreciate your feedback.
  16. Like
    sandinista! reacted to Soloenta in Returning Petitions to the United States via 221g   
    Can anyone post the link were this thread is please?
  17. Like
    sandinista! reacted to Aya820 in Returning Petitions to the United States via 221g   
    Thread originally from February 2006:
    http://www.visajourney.com/forums/forum/97-middle-east-and-north-africa/
  18. Like
    sandinista! reacted to robinanis in Returning Petitions to the United States via 221g   
    You got my vote too!
  19. Like
    sandinista! reacted to terri_blake in Red flag over religious differences?   
    And by the way, let me recap for eveyone confused by the convoluted sarcasm:
    1. Im engaged to the best guy in the world.
    2. Despite our cultural differences we know we are soul mates.
    3. We will start a family next year as he keeps dreaming he'll have a son born in 2016.
    4. All Muslims are not the same. There are multiple sects based on different schools of Islamic jurisprudence.
    5. All Christians aren't the same, either.
    6. I know a bigot when I smell one.
    7. Romance and chivalry are alive and well in my guy's heart.
    8. I am excited to marry into an affluent Egyptian family.
    9. I have a big family niw which will double in size in a few months!
    10.I hope some of you butter souls fjnd someone half as nice as my Basim.
  20. Like
    sandinista! got a reaction from UnaMexicana in How much money your husband gives you per month?   
    Marital finances can be influenced by all kinds of social, cultural, and religious norms. Where does the OP originate from?
  21. Like
  22. Like
    sandinista! got a reaction from charmed2006 in Our relationship started while she was technically married   
    SUGARCOATING red flags at notoriously DIFFICULT consulates doesn't help anyone. SCRUTINY sure can though. Effective help here is of a scrutinizing, analytic sort. No one made any accusations of fraud or untoward behavior by this couple. People are stating how their story comes across to them, not to be bltchy, but to highlight what stands out as suspect, from an interviewing officer's POV. If they want an amen corner there's plenty of that sort of thing in facebook groups and stuff.
    OP, I would highly recommend against private messaging about visa matters, no matter how nice or informed that person may seem. Inaccurate, mistaken, and potentially disastrous bad info gets spread more easily that way.
  23. Like
    sandinista! got a reaction from Jacque67 in My White Daughter’s Cornrows — and the Sometimes Ugly Conversations It Sparked   
    Ughh. I totally get not turning every incident into this crazy, hyped up, racialized thing though, when I think a good amount of the time it comes from bad manners,being oblivious, and just not knowing any better. Doesn't excuse it, but it could be a better approach than getting overly worked up about people's reasons for saying stupid .
    So, um, like, what are you anyways?
  24. Like
    sandinista! got a reaction from Jacque67 in My White Daughter’s Cornrows — and the Sometimes Ugly Conversations It Sparked   
    Well, yeah. The article wasn't great at getting much of a point across. But this can be a thing. And in my experience it predominantly skews towards white people saying weird stuff or making inappropriate commentary about other people's racial or ethnic attributes. Being out in public with a curly haired kinda brown kid doesn't mean I want to field questions about my daughter's ethnicity while I'm trying to buy a pair of shoes. 99.9% of the time, people are nice, and are asking from a curious, nice, but still nosy place. When my son was little, strangers talked to me about him as a person ...the comics he was into because they saw his Avengers shirt, etc. But a brown girl, with curls and a foreign name, people usually just mention what they see as her "exoticness" or prettiness. It kinda sucks. She's a person too, beyond her looks and ethnicity.
  25. Like
    sandinista! reacted to elmcitymaven in My White Daughter’s Cornrows — and the Sometimes Ugly Conversations It Sparked   
    'Murican. That's what I told the woman who accosted me at the mall the other week and demanded to know my ethnicity. When she asked me what my heritage was I said, "New England." She was so confused.
    As I'm sure you know, being even a little brown in the world and not conforming to what others might expect people to "look like" seems to embolden strangers. I've been getting the "But where are you really from?" since I can remember. I told people Hawaii when I was three, because I'd seen a movie with little brown girls with long brown hair, so I figured I was Hawaiian. We didn't talk about ethnicity in my house growing up, because we were American. I had no idea I was some sort of "other" until I went to a new school that was 90% WASP.
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