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Beauty for Ashes

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  1. Like
    Beauty for Ashes got a reaction from Kissablestyles in SCAMMED FOR A GREEN CARD   
    Its important to remember that ALOT of things happen when conditions are removed. You cannot paint everyone with the same brush but the minute they start moving into the other room and cut you off from their finances, its pretty sure 100000 percent that they are on their way out. At that point , you need to kick their #### out and move because if an arab is going to stop finanically contributing and not having sex with you,, well baby the writing is on the wall and you better pay attention.
    Again, not all are like this and sometimes someone who marries for papers can turn around and actually begin to love their ticket out.
    PS. My daughter is arab and her father HAD HIS PAPERS and he isnt paying child support or helping me and is a ###### father and he DID NOT USE ME FOR PAPERS. He used another girl in New York for papers in 1998 and dumped her as soon as she removed conditions and did not even give her a divorce. He just picked up his bags and walked and left her with all the problems of getting divorced. He is now almost arrested for not paying child support for my daughter and guess what babies.. PAY BACK IS A ######. I hope her scum husband marries a hooker from back home and takes all his money and scams him and uses him for papers
    Dont worry Stephanie. Tell everyone what he did INCLUDING immigration so when he goes for citizenship it takes alot longer and he has a tough time importing a honey from back home. EVERYTHING COMES AROUND.. Until then , enjoy your life and keep going and do not get bitter. That scum bag is not worth it
  2. Like
    Beauty for Ashes got a reaction from IDeciam in Has your MENA spouse changed their perspective/opinion re: the US after living here for some time?   
    I dont think you are quite understanding the story of the amazigh in Morocco, Algeria Tunisia and Libya.
    Berbers are not really the minority in Algeria. Most in Algeria have some kabilye roots because the arabs didnt even arrive there until the 600 and the kabilyes or berbers fought them tooth and nail and even now, they face fierce repression because of their unwillingness to speak arabic over their native language. They now live in distinct areas of Algeria but at one time, the berber kingdom in Algeria was spread from coast to coast, their monoliths even found in the sahara. Each country in the magreb has a completely different berber identity but some traditions are similar, such as the story of the Kahina, a priestess who was rumored to be a Cohen high priestess who has children with 3 different men and slew them after their birth and raised armies of men against the marauding arabs. She scorched the earth of the kabilye high country and even though Moroccan berbers and Algerian kabilyes have differing languages and traditions, they have similar stories. They are not arabs whatsover, their language is closer to celtic or the basque language than the arabs and they are the true original people of north africa. Another thing to remember is that most in Algeria didnt even speak fluent arabic until after the Algerian revolution. They spoke french, algerian darja which is a mix of differing languages including arabic and amazigh. After Ben Bella took the presidency of Algeria after the fight against the French, then subsequently Boumedienne, Egyptian teachers were brought into the country to teach arabic because Ben Bella himself could not speak arabic when he went to meet the leaders of Egypt in the 1960s. It was at this time that teachers came into the country and among these teachers were some radicals that brought the egyptian brotherhood into Algeria and started whats now known as FIS. Before then there was no terrorism among the people of Algeria because they were united in throwing out the French. In the 1990s, more than 100,000 muslims were killed by other muslims and wahabism took root in Algeria. Morocco's story is much different because the berbers have been traditionally opressed in Morocco, unable to name their children what they want and in a consistant fight for their identity against pan arabism, which trivialises their history as some kind of cultural thing instead of a linguistic and national identity. Libya and Tunisia have berber identities as well but their cultures have absorbed it much differently than both Algeria and Morocco, mostly because of the strict totalitarian governments there and other social and linguistic factors
    You can never tell a kabiyle that he is happy to lose his language , identity and culture to pan arabism. Their singers have been assasinated, their writers shot and drug through the streets and their music,language and culture repressed by a concept that is new to Algeria, imported by outsiders and incompatible with their history which is one of the Romans, Vandals, Goths, Numidians and in the last 400 year before the French, actually Turkish Ottoman, who are distinctly not arab. Morocco's berbers have a completely different story but they certainly could never be accused of being some kind of nameless minority. The berbers are the fighters of Morocco, the backbone, the mystical amazing secret people of Morocco. In fact, at one time, most of the officers in the Moroccan army were amazigh. Some Moroccans identify as arabs some identify as berber but all Moroccans will agree that they are certainly not middle eastern but distinctly magrebian, with different foods and traditions. You will meet Moroccans that feel they are arab but not all do and it certainly isnt a nameless minority..
    I dont think you know enough about kabilyes in Algeria or the berbers in Morocco. You should not only read more, you should seek some out and talk to them. You will have a much different take on pan arabism afterwards. I have more in common as a celt with the kabilyes genetically than you do as an arab..Pan arabism was an import brought into Algeria in 1962 and the berbers of morocco have been struggling to have their identity against this plague of pan arabism for years as well
  3. Like
    Beauty for Ashes got a reaction from Newsha in Older American woman Younger Algerian man   
    Only YOU can make the decision about what you are are going to do... The visa journey is much different than post greencard and post citizenship..
    If you do not have alot of money in the bank or a house that can be attached, you do not have much to lose. However, my advice for anyone with a lot of assets is that they get a pre nuptual or a post nuptual agreement protecting assets in the event of a split. It can help the homeowner alot to keep property separate.. There are some of these relationships that will work but there are also a lot of younger men who will pretend to be in love to get the hell out of a bad situation. This is the reality and the reason for the high AP and long waits at these embassies. They see things we dont see. Returning US petitioned spouses returning to petition Moroccan and Algerian wives after they have naturalised and they know culturally what is going on , often more than we do.. My spouse was NOT put through AP. I wish he would have been so that I could have been spared alot of what he did. My present boyfriend, also Algerian was petitioned by a US wife in 2008. She had no idea culturally what to expect and literally threw away his greencard when it arrived and would not give him any of his immigration papers. Its not always the immigrant who is bad. Its also the petitioners who sometimes act like they are buying a puppy, not getting married. I see things from both sides and the only real warning I have is asset protection. If you do not have any assets nor will you inherit them, you have nothing to lose. However for example. if you have a house in Florida, your foreign born spouse gets rights under the Florida Homestead Law which is a 25000 off the tax exemption. I was unable to see my house or refinance when I was married without my husbands permission I had a substantial amount of equity and I was told by two attorneys that he had rights to a percentage of how much my house was worth upon marriage till we divorced and he ( my ex) knew that as well and when I told him I wanted a divorce he told me I wont give you one and Ill take your house if you dont help me finish my papers.I literally was forced to stay married two years legally past the point I wanted to over money. If I had a pre nuptual this would not have happened. But I never imagined the father of my child and man I fought so hard for would ever hurt me...
    Its been 10 months since I got divorced and I have dated two people since I got divorced..One for about 2 weeks and then three months later I met my boyfriend. He has been the biggest help in getting over this because the experience was so horrible and so painful, I carried a lot of pain inside and started questioning my whole life... The one thing is that this guy ALREADY has papers and hes one year younger and I know when we are together that he needs nothing from me except my presence..Had I NOT married my husband and gone through what I went through I would have never met him and both he and I went through our own private hells, Me with an Algerian and him with an American. Which to me is crazy irony! I just advise anyone with assets to make sure they protect them. I did not and it caused me alot of problems when I wanted to leave the relationship. I only had an 11 year difference and still was able to have children but I was unaware of the depth of what was going to happen once he got here. It was a holy hellish night mare from the week he got off the plane until I was able to get rid of him..
  4. Like
    Beauty for Ashes reacted to sandinista! in Older American woman Younger Algerian man   
    This is just my random opinion, but I viewed my participation in the immigration process to bring my then fiancé over here not only in terms of "ohmygosh I love him and want to be with him night and day", but also in terms of his character, ethics, and morality as a boon to the society I live in. My actions, petitioning for him to move here, affected more than just myself, and my family. Beyond if he made a good husband, father, I felt like it was my social responsibility to ensure to the best of my ability that the person I was helping move here would not be detrimental to anyone else here. Others, obviously, disregard that.
  5. Like
    Beauty for Ashes reacted to Meriem_DZ in Older American woman Younger Algerian man   
    Hi, It's been a while. I just popped in and noticed I was mentioned in this thread. Hachemi and I celebrated our 7th anniverary in Sept. We are still very happily married. My husband has not changed since the day I met him. He still adores me as I do him. In our case there is an age difference of 12 1/2 years. But what I think helped make our marriage be succesful, is that I met him when he was in his 30's and I was in my mid 40's. Now my sweety is 40 and I hate to say my age now. (You can do the math). LOL. He still adores me as I do him. We have so much fun together. It took him 5 years of working min. wage crappy jobs and finally someone saw in him what I did and gave him a chance. He has a great job, been in his position 2 years, and making pretty decent money with great benifits.
    I wish I had some good advice to give. It's just hard for me to give any helpful advice with such a large age difference and the guy being so very young. So I will just leave it at that.
    My friend Cheryl and her husband Kamel (Algerian) are still happily married also for 7 years. We met here on visa journey and since they are about a 100 or so miles from us, we meet often in person and spend time together.
    Kat, so nice to hear that you are happy. I don't know if you remember, but my husband is from Setif also.
  6. Like
    Beauty for Ashes reacted to sandinista! in Older American woman Younger Algerian man   
    Those are all good things, what you recommend. I've read lots of helpful things you've written, and appreciated your clearheaded approach. And you're right, at some point you've got to chill a bit, and let stuff happen, and take risks, and see where your life takes you. There are, however, varying degrees of quality to those assessments. And those assessments have been analyzed for many years on VJ, and will probably continue to be, because there are no hard and fast answers that are always correct, in every situation, all of the time. Some people's ideas of what putting their SO through a scrutinizing ringer consists of can be really off. Some people's perceptions of "this action TOTALLY means he loves me forever and ever" are just, no. Some of that is just difference of opinion/values/personalities/priorities. And some of it is just #######. All kinds of opinions on this exist on the board.
    Sometimes a guy from MENA is genuinely quirky, and stuff he'll say is totally incongruent culture wise, but that's just him. Other times, he's reciting perfectly rehearsed BS. Does the American in this scenario know enough about the place this guy comes from to know what he's saying is weird for there? If so, does she know enough about him to tell whether or not he's being a big poseur for her sake, and investigate or discuss the matter more in depth with him?
    The consulates assess these relationships all day, every day. Even they get it wrong. There's couples denied the first go around that are together years and years later, and ones they've let in that have left me, as a reader, with my jaw hanging open. So obviously it's a hard thing to assess. And without just shouting at people to "respect the consulate's authority and experience !!!!!", there is something to the fact that MENA ones are difficult. And that they far more often err on the side of handing someone a visa who really shouldn't have one, as opposed to blocking legit people.
    Some people don't err as much on the side of "they're probably totally legit" with their opinions here. Oh well. Who cares? People are just talking to each other here. The ones who don't err on that side with their opinions usually didn't arrive there out of nowhere. Or out of just not liking women that are older than men in MENA relationships.
  7. Like
    Beauty for Ashes got a reaction from American Woman 75 in Older American woman Younger Algerian man   
    Are you saying that alot of the men who marry Americans use the held me hostage argument to validate ditching their wife after they get what they want?
    I frankly think alot of them do. I am personally very happy with the man I am dating. I know basically the only reason he is here is because some woman killed herself to get him here. I did the same thing. I am sure my ex will be a hell of a lot nicer to pretty much everyone he meets after I spent thousands , was abused and went through unmentionable horrors. Which leads me to my next point. The guy I am with doesnt hit me. Helps me in the house and treats me decently. So he left the woman who brought him here. He did. So do alot of these guys honestly.If I was mean to everyone I know who is north african and got their papers from an american and left them afterwards, I would have to stay mad all the time. Because if they didnt win the lottery and are moroccan and live around me, most have and most tell me the same nonsense. She drank .. she did this and that. And the reality is she was older and he married her just for papers and could not stand her. Period. Thats why they leave. And it really varies as to whether they stay friends after the screwing over... really depends..He is the same age as me. We dont have an age gap. We have common interests. He is far from perfect but hes not a psycho like my ex.Hes basically a pretty normal guy. How he got here is how alot of these guys get here. They marry people. Alot of the times, the marriages do not work. Mine did not .. no matter how hard I tried..Maybe his ex did too. I sure am not going to call her and ask her. I can only IMAGINE the bs my ex is laying on everyone he meets. Do I care now? Nope. Moved on with my life trying to be happy and just get over stuff.
    Does it hurt to be a jackass for a man and get used? Yep . It undermines everything in your heart and how you feel about yourself. The pain is unbearable and feels almost impossible to survive. The guy I am dating actually KNEW my ex when we were married and did not know me personally. When your ex has walked around and told people I Cant wait to get my papers and dump my wife and tells people how much you love him and what a dumb ### you are.. and about their GIRLFRIENDS and then goes out with other people and other arabs see that, they tend to have some empathy with the american women getting hurt. Believe me! I have had other Algerians walk up to both of us in the grocery store and tell me OH MY GOD you look so much better and I am so glad you left him ... The guy I am dating knew what a piece of my ex was and didnt need me to tell him. He already knew what happened... So it saved me the explanation. We met in March.. Its almost November so 8 months so far and we might not go far but it certainly has been ALOT better of a relationship than what I had with my ex. It helped me to have someone be good to me after so many years of bad....
  8. Like
    Beauty for Ashes reacted to Ihavequestions in Older American woman Younger Algerian man   
    It's all fabulous that you've assessed the future of this relationship based on what you bring to the table, but nothing says that you've had a conversation about what will happen in 20 years, or having children with your guy, and the increasing likelihood that you either won't be able to give him children or a large family, if that's what he wants. Have you talked about him marrying one, two, or three more while you're married? Have you talked to him about what will happen with his worldly goods and who, aside from you, will inherit that? Have you had these incredibly difficult conversations with him? Nobody can predict the future. If we could, we'd buy just one lottery ticket and be set for life. But there are cold, hard realities we can address and prevent the damage.
  9. Like
    Beauty for Ashes got a reaction from skysofialila in 7 years is enough..my story :)   
    Oh just STFU Sami.. Shes 20 years older.. And yes some of us KNOW THE CULTURE very very very well. It has NOTHING to do with her. He married her MARRIAGE BLANCHE...And she is Ajoouza for him and was his boat here.. And giving her any advice is really not needed.
    I was used and abused for a greencard and citizenship by an Algerian ... I was also OLDER than him by about 11 years... She has the RIGHT to be with someone who has sex with her loves her...GIve me a freaking BREAK about culture. BTW I am now with someone from ALGERIA who is ONE YEAR YOUNGER WITH PAPERS... And if he ignores her and has been here 6 years and treats her like , she has the right to talk about it... You have to understand that SOME OF US have a clue... YES, its common knowledge over there, just marry someone, ANYONE And get the hell out of there.. Once they get here, it either goes super bad or super good. In my case, he was beating my ### from the minute he got off the plane, breaking my things, pushing me, hitting me and I NEVER TALKED BACK.. I tried to play good wife... Well you know what? After 6 years I was SICK OF IT. I did not blame all Algerians. I DO BLAME HIM.. He used and abused me.. I met the guy I am dating now who is ALGERIAN TOO... But he HAS HIS PAPERS... and hes one year younger so hes with me by CHOICE. So I have seen BOTH SIDES OF IT! He also has several friends who married Americans and NONE OF THEM ARE WITH THEIR WIVES! So PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE spare this poor woman a freaking lecture and she has the right to be happy.. And I am so happy you didint do marriage blanche but alot of North Africans do.. ALOT.. and the fact she is so much older should have sent alarm bells off.. For the love of GOd, I can listen to the rest of these people but not you. Dont you DARE give her a lecture. DONT YOU DARE knowing that MARRIAGE BLANCHE is the preferred way for alot of these guys to make their lives at the EXPENSE of the American... I am with a WONDERFUL ALGERIAN MAN.. But he is my own age and he did not need papers.. which frankly was the only choice I could or would make for myself. But I wont tolerate you giving this poor woman a lecture.. She can be happy again. She can be loved again.. and she can start over.. But I would recommend she finds someone STATESIDE and with papers and there are great men here that can love and take care of her if she likes north african culture... But she sure does not need a lecture from YOU!
  10. Like
    Beauty for Ashes reacted to sandinista! in Paperwork Questions, American wants to marry an Algerian Woman   
    Wow! I'm glad you came back for an update, and with good news to boot. Hopefully the rest of your process goes smoothly, and you guys can get on with your lives together.
    Best of luck
  11. Like
    Beauty for Ashes reacted to Ihavequestions in Older American woman Younger Algerian man   
    Whether these May/December marriages last post visa/residency/citizenship is one thing. The other thing is how they'll fare when younger husband ventures back home and marries a younger, local girl because he wants children and how well wife number one copes with sharing her husband.
  12. Like
  13. Like
    Beauty for Ashes reacted to sandinista! in Older American woman Younger Algerian man   
    Bumping your post because I thought you made some really great points that got overlooked in all the crazy.
  14. Like
    Beauty for Ashes reacted to unionglory in Older American woman Younger Algerian man   
    Actually most of the people commenting are witnesses to the trainwrecks not the people in them.. They are NOT degrading your spouse.. What they are doing is recounting most of the 7 to 8 plus years they have been here and have see ALOT... You should really pay attention to Sandinista and Msheesha.. They have been around for years and years and have some pretty wise things to say.
    No one is saying that people do not start with good intentions. No one is saying that people are morally bankrupt on either side. But someone marrying someone their kids age after several years is most likely going to lose that younger partner. They are going to want their own kids, looks fade etc. ESPECIALLY POST CITIZENSHIP. Does it mean all will end? No. But the majority of the moroccan, algerian and Egyptian men that I have met through 10 plus years who have citizenship through American spouses do not remain with them. Its not common for mena marriages to last anyway.. THrow in the age difference and honestly of all of those, I know one and its because hes sick and does not have having kids as a priority. Most of these guys want kids and even if they love their American wives at one point, most will eventually leave the marriage. Idealising these relationships is just dangerous.. Listen to these women talk and do whatever you want. But the reality is when you are in your 50s and he is in his 30s he will leave you.. maybe not for another woman but he will leave once he has established himself.. thats no offense to you.. Its just the way it is. I am sorry if it hurts.. But its just the way it is.. I am sorry. Dont come here and ask for opinions if you do not want them. The people here can recount all kinds of things to you if you ask them. The numbers are NOT good. Its not about the men. Its about these ridiculous age gap marriages that are completely not ok in the mena culture.If most American men dont want to marry their mom, most mena men dont either.. They will if they have to get out of the country.. but its sure not a first choice. If they could get a girl close in age that would convert to islam, thats a much better bet for them than marrying someone their moms age. And if Momma is ok with it, shes in on it. What mother in her right mind wants her kid marrying someone her age?
  15. Like
    Beauty for Ashes reacted to sandinista! in Older American woman Younger Algerian man   
    MENA culture lesson: islamically, women are under no obligation to support themselves. If they're not married, it's their fathers and brothers job.
  16. Like
    Beauty for Ashes reacted to Boiler in Older American woman Younger Algerian man   
    Very well put, you need to go in with your eyes open.
    I am not sure how well known Jane Eyre is in the US, Pride and Prejudice etc.
    If you look at the Character of Mrs Bennet for example she wanted her in the case Daughters to marry well, age was not an issue. Social position was.
    I could quite see a MENA Mother taking a similar view, often is also seems it is considered and investment for the Family, not just the individual.
  17. Like
    Beauty for Ashes reacted to sandinista! in Older American woman Younger Algerian man   
    MENA culture lesson: some people don't post photos out of ghayra reasoning. Mileage varies.
  18. Like
    Beauty for Ashes reacted to PalestineMyHeart in The cold, hard truth about MENA "husbands"   
    Yes we are all jealous of a bitter spurned girl who focuses her anger and bitterness at everyone else.
    Sux to be you, actually.
  19. Like
    Beauty for Ashes reacted to sandinista! in The cold, hard truth about MENA "husbands"   
    I'm cool with charges of pseudo intellectualism coming from the likes of the ethnocentric bigot with the badass degree in international relations any day of the week.
  20. Like
    Beauty for Ashes reacted to sandinista! in The cold, hard truth about MENA "husbands"   
    Doh, there it is again. What's funny is that over the years, the very same people you've ranted and railed against in this thread have had countless discussions here about things to look out for in imported fiances and husbands, what signs or red flags could exist in MENA, things that look like American women are being majorly scammed or treated crappy or second rate by MENA people and allllll that, but without all of the ethno-religious baiting bs you flung out here from the very beginning. Whatever points you wanted to make, or experiences you wanted to share were irrevocably tainted by your own ####### you chose to spew all over your posts. Sorry you picked the wrong place for that particular kind of baiting, and had the misfortune of dumping it where some people don't swallow that brand of #######. You might find some better camaraderie on those Daniel Pipes forums. Best of luck!
  21. Like
    Beauty for Ashes reacted to nurse1967 in The cold, hard truth about MENA "husbands"   
    I went through almost the exact same thing and my husband never laid a hand on me. He was a scammer from minute one and was an expert at hiding it. I believe he comes from a good family but the point remains, many of these men are EXPERTS at what they do and rarely do they operate alone. Typically they are being coached by family and/or friends who teach them how to get done what they want to get done. My husband got his citizenship April 24th, my daughter turned 18 on May 16th and he made a pass at her on May 30th. Needless to say, he was out the door that day. There were no "warning signs" with us. He came from an upper middle class family, was a teacher, never married before and no kids. He turned out to be the scammer supreme. Poll the women you meet on here and in 5 years 90% of the marriages will be non-existent. There's a reason the embassies look at these marriage closely, because most of them are fraudulent.
  22. Like
    Beauty for Ashes reacted to msheesha in The cold, hard truth about MENA "husbands"   
    You're flipping your own script. Go back and read your original post and when you noted the physical abuse started.
    Didn't say there are not difficult issues in inter cultural relationships. I said that if you blame them on your issues you and ignore that you married an abusive man you will likely repeat that pattern. Nobody here wants to see a woman be abused. Ergo, why I encouraged you to look at that aspect of your choices.
  23. Like
    Beauty for Ashes reacted to msheesha in The cold, hard truth about MENA "husbands"   
    Just wrote out a long post but somehow it got erased. So here's the cliff notes version. OP- the you will serve yourself better by examining what are the issues you struggle with that motivated to Marty a physically abusive man. Not only married him but experienced the physical abuse, but got home where you were safe and sound and had no need to ever be in contact with a physically abusive man again. Not only did you return to a physically abisive situation, but you went to significant trouble (immigration process) to bring that abuse into your home. AND you put your dad at risk by allowing him to sponsor a physically abusive man financially. Questioning and figuring out why you welcome abuse into your home will serve you better than all of the cultural and religious generalization gymnastics you've gone into here. You're still in denial that he shows you who he was from the beginning. The minute he laid hands on you, he showed you exactly who he was. And the minute you disregarded that and ignored that and continued a relationship with him, you showed him exactly how you expected to be treated. You need to get out of that denial and figure out what issues you deal with that motivated you and allows you to be in an abusive relationship. That will bode better for your future than any of your vj postings will do. You're more likely to be in future abusive relationships until you figure that question out about yourself. But that's tough to look at. It's easier to talk about his culture, religion, friends, family etc - bit it's not going to help you avoid abusive relationships in the future.
  24. Like
    Beauty for Ashes reacted to sandinista! in The cold, hard truth about MENA "husbands"   
    I'd like a checklist of Arab vs western stuff, and a scoring guide.
    If you ate tagine at least once in the last 5 days give yourself 2 points, if your husband has put on a jellaba 3 or more times in the last year give yourself 5 points, etc. It could be country specific, what with the OP having a masters in international relations it should be a cinch.
    Under whose standards, and why do those standards count or mean anything?
  25. Like
    Beauty for Ashes reacted to sailormoon01 in The cold, hard truth about MENA "husbands"   
    no duh.
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