M-waits

It is difficult to say what exactly is wrong as human psychology can be influenced by many things, but one thing is factually sure, something is wrong. All you have explained shows a huge red flag that your relationship is in trouble. The type of behavior she is exhibiting blatantly shows she does not trust you and is looking for reasons to back up her feelings. Why she doesn’t trust you or why she is looking for your bad deeds is anyone’s guess. She could have been unfaithful (normally the catalyst for diverting blame onto the one you betrayed), she could be scared about whom exactly she is now sharing her life with, she is in a foreign country and just changed everything in her life, cold feet etc…
Loss of intimacy is another huge red flag that your relationship is deteriorating. No matter the reasons for this behavior, it is clear there is a problem. As they say, true colors always shine through and maybe this is the type of person she is, which could be due to unhealthy relationships from the past. In any case, communication is the key and if healthy communication is lacking, you are in trouble. Even more so, a relationship is founded on trust and abandoned through mistrust. What you have described is not healthy behavior for anyone to have and the fact that you have turned to VJ for advice shows that it is out of your hands. There is only so much we can do for our adored partners. So what can you do?
Well, it is important to recognize that this behavior sets a dangerous precedence for acceptable behavior between partners during the life of the relationship. Does your family or your best friends have the right to look at your private diary without your permission? What you share about yourself should be consensual, not forced through devious digging. What you share about yourself should reflect respect for your partner and your relationship. We all have different opinions about what we have the “right” to know about a partner’s past in a relationship, it is up to you to deem what that is and share it acceptably. I’m an open book so I shared my past, good and bad, which wasn’t easy, but it reflects maturity and coming to terms with learning from mistakes, not repeating them. Since we all have different opinions about what is and is not appropriate in a relationship, I will defer to appropriateness between people, as that is pretty universal.
Respecting each other’s privacy. There are clear limits between information that is shared freely and information obtained through devious means with ill intentions. Does she have the right to know your past, sure, with your consent and your answers. Does she have the right to search through your personal information? Absolutely not. Just because you are in a relationship does not give her the right to invade your privacy and dig up dirt. What happened before your relationship should be off limits unless you believe it will impact your current relationship or you feel obligated to share it. It is not healthy to strip someone of their integrity because of mistakes in the past. I assume she would not share or allow you to uncover every detail before you were together. Again, unless there are some serious things from your past that would or could negatively impact your relationship, I say it is off limits unless there are things you want to share. That is common courtesy that is displayed in all healthy relationships formed on trust. Communicate your personal expectations (which should have been founded already) about this clearly. It is extremely important to establish clearly shared expectations in a relationship that both agree to and conform to. If you agree with this, that is the starting point for your next conversation. It is important to communicate that you feel personally violated and emotionally abused by this behavior and it is unacceptable. If she truly loves and respects you, she will understand this and come to terms with it, eventually. If she completely disregards how her actions impact your well being, it is obvious she doesn’t care Loss of intimacy must be discussed immediately. This is the biggest red flag in a failing relationship and signifies that many aspects of your relationship, whether emotional or physical, are deteriorating and that leads to separation. You need to communicate how the lack of intimacy is affecting you emotionally, psychologically and physically. You should ask her what is wrong or what you are doing wrong in the relationship. I find starting with “what am I doing wrong?” is a good way to open up communication lines and begin sorting out how the other person feels about the relationship. If you cannot establish a resolution to your current relational problems or agree on what is acceptable and healthy behavior while in the relationship, you should consider ending the relationship before your problems increase dramatically. If you are not comfortable with the communication you had or unsure about her intentions, it is important to convey those concerns as well. You can’t avoid these red flags or try to appease her by avoiding these difficult, but extremely important topics. Doing so would essentially end the relationship and establish unhealthy behaviors. These are difficult conversations that must be presented as such, disclaiming that these conversations are necessary to ensure and establish a healthy relationship. Simply, you need to have these difficult conversations for the sake of your relationship. Approach with tact but understand we all react differently when confronted with uncomfortable discussions. It is far better to have them, argue and land at some understanding than to avoid them altogether. No one knows your relationship better than you, so it is up to you to figure out your approach and how to communicate. Always favor direct communication that honestly states how you feel and your concern for how she feels.
Lastly, it is obvious there are problems. With the information given, it seems to be on her end. Emotions can be paralyzing and confusing, especially when you leave your country and everything you’ve always known. Be understanding but gently demanding as well. Don’t let topics go unsaid because you don’t want her or yourself to feel “uncomfortable”. Don’t discount your intuition as mere worries. The best way we speak truth to ourselves is through intuition. You already know something is very wrong, now find out what it is. If you can’t, present the exit strategy and how you will go forward with ending the relationship. Better to be alone and healthy than stuck in an unhealthy relationship. We can have the best of intentions and sincere love for people, but we are in no way guaranteed they will give the same in return. Better to love yourself enough to recognize this and move on than to love her and abuse yourself emotionally and physically with this behavior.
Special note and matter-o-fact as well as opinion: American men/woman and foreign ones differ dramatically in some respects. Our American culture’s evolution has essentially created unisex partners in life. Of course, men still generally find it difficult listening and speaking in a relationship, but we have lost much that makes us… men. Same goes for the woman’s side of things. A man should make a woman feel like a woman and a woman should make a man feel like a man. Try asking just what that is in our GEN Y culture and you’ll see quickly that many don’t understand or misunderstand. If you look at the expectations of a man and woman 100 years ago and compare them to today, you can see what was lost. Of course, it is not the Wild West today and I’m not talking about roles or who does the dishes. Simply said, it is a man’s responsibility to lead the relationship on a healthy path, not mope around waiting for her to bring it up. (yes, I know, that is difficult in any relationship) That also means understanding women and conceding to the fact that we don’t understand many things, but try. It is the inevitable tug-o-war men and woman have for the life of the relationship, but a woman respects an understanding leader more than a disconnected follower. I’m not saying I understand the woman’s psyche well, I’m just speaking from experience with philosophy. This is a different topic altogether, but just wanted to add the side note because expectations in a relationship change in relation to the region on the globe you call home.
I hope you find a good resolution, no matter what that is. Look toward the future as things are now if they don’t change and decide if you can accept what you see. Best wishes for your relationship.

It is difficult to say what exactly is wrong as human psychology can be influenced by many things, but one thing is factually sure, something is wrong. All you have explained shows a huge red flag that your relationship is in trouble. The type of behavior she is exhibiting blatantly shows she does not trust you and is looking for reasons to back up her feelings. Why she doesn’t trust you or why she is looking for your bad deeds is anyone’s guess. She could have been unfaithful (normally the catalyst for diverting blame onto the one you betrayed), she could be scared about whom exactly she is now sharing her life with, she is in a foreign country and just changed everything in her life, cold feet etc…
Loss of intimacy is another huge red flag that your relationship is deteriorating. No matter the reasons for this behavior, it is clear there is a problem. As they say, true colors always shine through and maybe this is the type of person she is, which could be due to unhealthy relationships from the past. In any case, communication is the key and if healthy communication is lacking, you are in trouble. Even more so, a relationship is founded on trust and abandoned through mistrust. What you have described is not healthy behavior for anyone to have and the fact that you have turned to VJ for advice shows that it is out of your hands. There is only so much we can do for our adored partners. So what can you do?
Well, it is important to recognize that this behavior sets a dangerous precedence for acceptable behavior between partners during the life of the relationship. Does your family or your best friends have the right to look at your private diary without your permission? What you share about yourself should be consensual, not forced through devious digging. What you share about yourself should reflect respect for your partner and your relationship. We all have different opinions about what we have the “right” to know about a partner’s past in a relationship, it is up to you to deem what that is and share it acceptably. I’m an open book so I shared my past, good and bad, which wasn’t easy, but it reflects maturity and coming to terms with learning from mistakes, not repeating them. Since we all have different opinions about what is and is not appropriate in a relationship, I will defer to appropriateness between people, as that is pretty universal.
Respecting each other’s privacy. There are clear limits between information that is shared freely and information obtained through devious means with ill intentions. Does she have the right to know your past, sure, with your consent and your answers. Does she have the right to search through your personal information? Absolutely not. Just because you are in a relationship does not give her the right to invade your privacy and dig up dirt. What happened before your relationship should be off limits unless you believe it will impact your current relationship or you feel obligated to share it. It is not healthy to strip someone of their integrity because of mistakes in the past. I assume she would not share or allow you to uncover every detail before you were together. Again, unless there are some serious things from your past that would or could negatively impact your relationship, I say it is off limits unless there are things you want to share. That is common courtesy that is displayed in all healthy relationships formed on trust. Communicate your personal expectations (which should have been founded already) about this clearly. It is extremely important to establish clearly shared expectations in a relationship that both agree to and conform to. If you agree with this, that is the starting point for your next conversation. It is important to communicate that you feel personally violated and emotionally abused by this behavior and it is unacceptable. If she truly loves and respects you, she will understand this and come to terms with it, eventually. If she completely disregards how her actions impact your well being, it is obvious she doesn’t care Loss of intimacy must be discussed immediately. This is the biggest red flag in a failing relationship and signifies that many aspects of your relationship, whether emotional or physical, are deteriorating and that leads to separation. You need to communicate how the lack of intimacy is affecting you emotionally, psychologically and physically. You should ask her what is wrong or what you are doing wrong in the relationship. I find starting with “what am I doing wrong?” is a good way to open up communication lines and begin sorting out how the other person feels about the relationship. If you cannot establish a resolution to your current relational problems or agree on what is acceptable and healthy behavior while in the relationship, you should consider ending the relationship before your problems increase dramatically. If you are not comfortable with the communication you had or unsure about her intentions, it is important to convey those concerns as well. You can’t avoid these red flags or try to appease her by avoiding these difficult, but extremely important topics. Doing so would essentially end the relationship and establish unhealthy behaviors. These are difficult conversations that must be presented as such, disclaiming that these conversations are necessary to ensure and establish a healthy relationship. Simply, you need to have these difficult conversations for the sake of your relationship. Approach with tact but understand we all react differently when confronted with uncomfortable discussions. It is far better to have them, argue and land at some understanding than to avoid them altogether. No one knows your relationship better than you, so it is up to you to figure out your approach and how to communicate. Always favor direct communication that honestly states how you feel and your concern for how she feels.
Lastly, it is obvious there are problems. With the information given, it seems to be on her end. Emotions can be paralyzing and confusing, especially when you leave your country and everything you’ve always known. Be understanding but gently demanding as well. Don’t let topics go unsaid because you don’t want her or yourself to feel “uncomfortable”. Don’t discount your intuition as mere worries. The best way we speak truth to ourselves is through intuition. You already know something is very wrong, now find out what it is. If you can’t, present the exit strategy and how you will go forward with ending the relationship. Better to be alone and healthy than stuck in an unhealthy relationship. We can have the best of intentions and sincere love for people, but we are in no way guaranteed they will give the same in return. Better to love yourself enough to recognize this and move on than to love her and abuse yourself emotionally and physically with this behavior.
Special note and matter-o-fact as well as opinion: American men/woman and foreign ones differ dramatically in some respects. Our American culture’s evolution has essentially created unisex partners in life. Of course, men still generally find it difficult listening and speaking in a relationship, but we have lost much that makes us… men. Same goes for the woman’s side of things. A man should make a woman feel like a woman and a woman should make a man feel like a man. Try asking just what that is in our GEN Y culture and you’ll see quickly that many don’t understand or misunderstand. If you look at the expectations of a man and woman 100 years ago and compare them to today, you can see what was lost. Of course, it is not the Wild West today and I’m not talking about roles or who does the dishes. Simply said, it is a man’s responsibility to lead the relationship on a healthy path, not mope around waiting for her to bring it up. (yes, I know, that is difficult in any relationship) That also means understanding women and conceding to the fact that we don’t understand many things, but try. It is the inevitable tug-o-war men and woman have for the life of the relationship, but a woman respects an understanding leader more than a disconnected follower. I’m not saying I understand the woman’s psyche well, I’m just speaking from experience with philosophy. This is a different topic altogether, but just wanted to add the side note because expectations in a relationship change in relation to the region on the globe you call home.
I hope you find a good resolution, no matter what that is. Look toward the future as things are now if they don’t change and decide if you can accept what you see. Best wishes for your relationship.

God isn't responsible for a moronic system, we are, in my humble opinion and no personal offense intended. He does have impeccable timing however... Anyway, finally approved as of today, after much door banging. Delightful description provided below. As you can see, persistence and annoyance pays off if you were unfortunately passed up and forgotten like the rest of us. Cheers!
Step 1 July 12th: Waited just over 5 months. Filed an e-request online via USCIS site. You should be signed up there to receive status updates via email or text.

Step 2 July 14th: Email senator about wait time and requested assistance. No response.

Step 3 July 19th: Called a tier 1 rep before I received a response to e-request. Tier 1 wasn't helpful at all, just a handful of scripted responses. Days later, I called and requested a tier 2 rep and issued a similar wait time complaint since March and February were being approved very quickly. Not much came of that phone call. They just said to wait until I receive a response from my e-request.

Step 4 July 24th: E-request came and was an unacceptable response that didn't communicate anything of substance other than "sit and wait". Filed an "assist" request from Ombudsman site indicating I'd tried all avenues to hold the system accountable and it failed.

Step 5 July 26th: Talked to a tier 2 rep again, stated the unacceptable wait time as March and April reach 50% approval ratings. Was told my petition had been assigned to an adjucator as of July 25th and they were indeed aware of my e-request and wait time that exceeded normal times. I accepted that as some progress.

Step 6: Approved July 30th.

Step 7: Glad I'm through this hoop. onto the next.

Number for USCIS:



"1-800-375-5283

Press 1-1-1-1 then enter receipt number, then press 1 then 3. That should connect you to a rep. Then ask for a Tier 2 rep. I'd still listen to each prompt to ensure you are pressing the right number.

Update

After talking to a tier 2 representative for the second time, after receiving the initial response from CSC for the e-request I put in, I said I happen to know they are well into March and April petitions while ours goes neglected. She admitted that fact. She then says that although the response from CSC did not specifically admit that our petition was outside normal processing times nor did it outline a course of action that will be taken, they indeed are aware of it and will work on my petition as soon as possible. She made note that my petition has been assigned to an adjucator as of July 25th. That could be the result of the response I got from CSC on July 24th, or the inquiry I sent to ombudsman on the 24th after receiving CSC's unacceptable response. Who knows, but supposedly someone is finally assigned to my case and they will be working on it. Will keep you updated. Total BS March and April nearly surpass February petition approvals.

I hear ya. I just called the USCIS again. Apparently all we can do is sit and wait until our petition goes outside normal processing times, which are updated monthly. I know the USCIS lists I-129F as 5 months for normal processing, but that is only an estimate and the Rep stated so. The "official" processing time is based off of the Service Center data, which can vary. If you are past the 5 month mark, you can call and listen to the BS they tell you, but you cannot make a request for anything until your case is outside normal processing times. To find out if it is, you have to call and they will tell you if it is or not. You can also use the USCIS site to log into your account and attempt an e-request. If it allows you to make a request because you are outside normal processing times, then you are "officially" outside normal processing times. If it does not allow you to file the request, then you are not outside normal processing times. What fun eh? Ridiculous system of monkeys flinging papers around.
Even more disturbing, a good portion of February filers have already been approved or RFE'd. While my February 6th petition remains untouched, the are processing March and April. @#$@# joke. I look forward to the day when I no longer have to use this site as a means of therapy due to our incompetent government immigration system and its employees. Think that wraps it up!

Yes. CSC has slowed significantly. It is painful watching late February and March filers get approved while we wait for some indication that someone has looked at our petition that we filed February 6th. Of course, it is in the hands of the government and I do not expect any logical or rational execution in paperwork, like going in chronological order. The whole system is a cruel joke. My heart goes out to those who have been waiting since mid 2012. Its a shame it takes so long to look at paperwork and stamp the damn packet. At least have the courtesy to execute on a "first come first served" basis. Frustrating as hell knowing these monkeys are in charge of my petition. Let's hope this banana break doesn't last too long.