Need advice on divorce and sexless marriage

[Jtreason 4]

I hope this is the correct place to put this but I figured I would get the best help here since I've learned a lot reading this forum. I need some advice. I met my wife online in 2015 and brought her to the US via the k1 visa in 2016. October marks 4 years that we've been living together and married. 

 

We have a sexless marriage. She had no problem sleeping with me before she came but the sex died off a few months after she got here. As of now, the last time we had sex was October 2019 and I initiated. We've probably had sex 10-15 times since we've been together. At this point, I don't even know if I want to sleep with her. So many times I used to ask for sex but she would make an excuse. For a while, I didn't feel like a man. We have no children together. We used to talk about having kids before she came but now we don't even bring it up. 

 

She's an attractive woman and although I'm not the best looking man, I feel like I deserve better than this. I feel like I'm wasting the best years of my life. She is 30 and I'm in my late 30s. Outside of sex, we have no issues. She works and saves and I cover the bills. She's from Ethiopia. We don't fight. We do hug and kiss but it doesn't go past that. She almost feels like a sister at this point. I get upset in the mornings when she is getting ready and has the nerve to walk around barely naked. 

 

With all that being said, I need advice to be free of this woman so I can move on. She has her green card but it expired earlier this year. She was granted an extension since we sent in her application to remove conditions earlier this year. I expect her to get a new green card once the process is finished sometime next year. She has no family in this country and I know she won't return to her home country. She depends on me for everything. She doesn't even drive. Whenever I try to think of ways to end things, I feel cruel because I know she has no place to go here. I wish I could get her to leave me. At least that would make me feel better. I feel like I'm being held back in life. Sex is natural for couples and I don't feel like I should be denied that. Sorry for venting but I need help on the easiest way to divorce this woman and get her out of my life. I can't live like this no more because I'm losing time I won't get back. I do love her but it feels like we are brother and sister. Thanks for any help.

[Adventine 3,187]

I am sorry for your marital problems but, fundamentally, this is a marriage issue, not an immigration one. 

 

Best to consult a counselor and/or a divorce lawyer. Good luck.

[Lemonslice 4,549]

1 hour ago, Jtreason said:

I hope this is the correct place to put this but I figured I would get the best help here since I've learned a lot reading this forum. I need some advice. I met my wife online in 2015 and brought her to the US via the k1 visa in 2016. October marks 4 years that we've been living together and married. 

 

We have a sexless marriage. She had no problem sleeping with me before she came but the sex died off a few months after she got here. As of now, the last time we had sex was October 2019 and I initiated. We've probably had sex 10-15 times since we've been together. At this point, I don't even know if I want to sleep with her. So many times I used to ask for sex but she would make an excuse. For a while, I didn't feel like a man. We have no children together. We used to talk about having kids before she came but now we don't even bring it up. 

 

She's an attractive woman and although I'm not the best looking man, I feel like I deserve better than this. I feel like I'm wasting the best years of my life. She is 30 and I'm in my late 30s. Outside of sex, we have no issues. She works and saves and I cover the bills. She's from Ethiopia. We don't fight. We do hug and kiss but it doesn't go past that. She almost feels like a sister at this point. I get upset in the mornings when she is getting ready and has the nerve to walk around barely naked. 

 

With all that being said, I need advice to be free of this woman so I can move on. She has her green card but it expired earlier this year. She was granted an extension since we sent in her application to remove conditions earlier this year. I expect her to get a new green card once the process is finished sometime next year. She has no family in this country and I know she won't return to her home country. She depends on me for everything. She doesn't even drive. Whenever I try to think of ways to end things, I feel cruel because I know she has no place to go here. I wish I could get her to leave me. At least that would make me feel better. I feel like I'm being held back in life. Sex is natural for couples and I don't feel like I should be denied that. Sorry for venting but I need help on the easiest way to divorce this woman and get her out of my life. I can't live like this no more because I'm losing time I won't get back. I do love her but it feels like we are brother and sister. Thanks for any help.

Why not try couple therapy first? 

 

Otherwise, divorce and move on.  She's an adult, she'll be able to learn how to drive, or move to another city of live her life.

Note, divorce is not going to cancel your affidavit of support.

[Timona 3,931]

I have read this story before. Same story, about a wife from Ethiopia who loved sex up until marriage and petion was about to be approved. It's either you or someone else posted it. If it's someone else, then it's a surprising coincidence about ladies from Ethiopia. 

 

My advise...tell her you're divorcing and she should start planning on taking care of herself and move out of the shared house immediately after that discussion and go on and enjoy life. You won't get any lost time back. Out of courtesy, pay rent for like 3 months after you move out. Thereafter, it'll be on her to pay.

[Jtreason 4]

1 hour ago, Timona said:

I have read this story before. Same story, about a wife from Ethiopia who loved sex up until marriage and petion was about to be approved. It's either you or someone else posted it. If it's someone else, then it's a surprising coincidence about ladies from Ethiopia. 

 

My advise...tell her you're divorcing and she should start planning on taking care of herself and move out of the shared house immediately after that discussion and go on and enjoy life. You won't get any lost time back. Out of courtesy, pay rent for like 3 months after you move out. Thereafter, it'll be on her to pay.

 

Thanks for the advice. I should have been clear about our living situation. I own this home and I owned it before we got married. I don't know what legal entitlement she has to my home and if I would need to rent her an apartment if we divorce. Am I legally obligated to do that? Luckily, we have no children and no shared property. 

[Orangesapples 1,954]

She has a green card and she's in the process of ROC. She doesn't need to stay married to you, she can remove conditions with a divorce waiver. Why you're divorcing is irrelevant. 

[JeanneAdil 6,190]

we're not marriage consulars but if everything else is good with the marriage,  maybe she has an underlying medical issue that (how do I say ?)  just plane hurts during intercourse' 

before you go thru an expensive divorce ,   try a doctor 

 

Sex shouldn’t hurt. But for too many women it does. Between 10% and 20% of women in the U.S. experience persistent pain during sex—a condition referred to as dyspareunia. Dyspareunia can have a significant impact beyond a woman’s sex life. It can affect mental health, self esteem, body image, and relationships.

 

Some of the issues could be:

 

• Endometriosis
• Pelvic inflammatory disease
• Uterine fibroids
• Pelvic adhesions, as a result of previous surgery
• A retroverted uterus (i.e. the uterus is tipped backward)

If she is a good wife in all other ways,  divorce is not fair / find out the problem

[carmel34 3,529]

Divorce is a painful process but sometimes necessary in order to move on and have a better life.  The division of assets will depend on the laws of the state where you live, so consult with a good family law attorney if that's your decision.  Talk with her, open your heart and let her know what you're experiencing and feeling.  Communication is key.  Couples therapy and a visit to a good doctor to really find out what's going on and maybe fix the underlying issues may help with the lack of sex--both are worth a try if you really love her.  Who knows, with professional help, you may come through this with a stronger relationship?  And if in the end you decide to get divorced, do it together, with love and compassion.  Having gone through a divorce in a sexless marriage myself, I don't regret giving the marriage multiple chances through hard work and professional assistance.  Sorry to hear of your difficulties.  All the best whatever happens!

[Eric-Pris 1,602]

4 years?  It should've been over in 6 months.  Butting off sex is the biggest sign of a scammer to me.  By now, she probably thinks that you're ok with it or that you're a sucker and she can continue to live the good life without having to do it (just saying "having to do it" makes me sick, that a man would let a woman treat him this way).  She was interested in sex before the marriage and even after up until she came to the US.  First thing that comes to mind is that she's not into you and just using you to make a life for herself.  Yes, she has her green card and she could have left already, but like you said, you pay all the bills and she putting away her money.  Why would she leave?  She is cared and provided for so no rent, no bills, etc.  At some point, when she has enough saved, she'll leave but you don't want to wait that long.  

 

If she is using you, then therapy is just a waste of time and money.  Also, would you want to be in a marriage with somebody who doesn't want to be intimate with you and only does it to avoid divorce?  I wouldn't.  As for your guilt for a divorce, that's what makes you a good person that you have empathy, but don't let that sit in the way of YOUR happiness.  You have one life, don't waste it worrying over her well-being, it sounds like she doesn't care about yours. 

[African Zealot 1,452]

1 hour ago, JeanneAdil said:

If she is a good wife in all other ways,  divorce is not fair / find out the problem

What is not fair is for a woman to expect a red blooded man to go without sex endlessly. I would also feel used in his shoes, if you were able to have sex with me before, it’s very interesting that now you’re secure you turn off the tap.

 

From the limited information he’s given this relationship is almost certainly going to end in divorce and to me therapy is pointless. She knows exactly what’s going on. That said trying therapy won’t hurt.

Edited December 25, 2020 by Ray.Bonaquist

[Orangesapples 1,954]

31 minutes ago, Eric-Pris said:

4 years?  It should've been over in 6 months.  Butting off sex is the biggest sign of a scammer to me.  By now, she probably thinks that you're ok with it or that you're a sucker and she can continue to live the good life without having to do it (just saying "having to do it" makes me sick, that a man would let a woman treat him this way).  

Not doing something is not "treating someone" in any way. She's not obligated to do something she doesn't want to. It doesn't mean she's a scammer. He's not owed intimacy. They're just having marriage problems that are outside of the scope of this forum. 

[Orangesapples 1,954]

30 minutes ago, Ray.Bonaquist said:

What is not fair is for a woman to expect a red blooded man to go without sex endlessly. I would also feel used in his shoes, if you were able to have sex with me before, it’s very interesting that now you’re secure you turn off the tap.

 

From the limited information he’s given this relationship is almost certainly going to end in divorce and to me therapy is pointless. She knows exactly what’s going on. That said trying therapy won’t hurt.

You have no idea why she doesn't want to be intimate. It could be because of something he did or didn't do. 

[Jtreason 4]

Just now, Orangesapples said:

Not doing something is not "treating someone" in any way. She's not obligated to do something she doesn't want to. It doesn't mean she's a scammer. He's not owed intimacy. They're just having marriage problems that are outside of the scope of this forum. 

 

I understand what you're saying. I only posted here since I feel like we are in a unique position to have married spouses from other countries. A lot of people I know in real life would have told me to leave her years ago but they are also not the type to marry someone not born here. I figured I could get a different perspective her since it takes a certain level of patience when bring in a relationship like this. 

[Jtreason 4]

37 minutes ago, Eric-Pris said:

4 years?  It should've been over in 6 months.  Butting off sex is the biggest sign of a scammer to me.  By now, she probably thinks that you're ok with it or that you're a sucker and she can continue to live the good life without having to do it (just saying "having to do it" makes me sick, that a man would let a woman treat him this way).  She was interested in sex before the marriage and even after up until she came to the US.  First thing that comes to mind is that she's not into you and just using you to make a life for herself.  Yes, she has her green card and she could have left already, but like you said, you pay all the bills and she putting away her money.  Why would she leave?  She is cared and provided for so no rent, no bills, etc.  At some point, when she has enough saved, she'll leave but you don't want to wait that long.  

 

If she is using you, then therapy is just a waste of time and money.  Also, would you want to be in a marriage with somebody who doesn't want to be intimate with you and only does it to avoid divorce?  I wouldn't.  As for your guilt for a divorce, that's what makes you a good person that you have empathy, but don't let that sit in the way of YOUR happiness.  You have one life, don't waste it worrying over her well-being, it sounds like she doesn't care about yours. 

 

That's exactly how I feel. I feel used and emasculated. I fell like less of a man. I only put it out here to see if anyone went through something similar and made it through. I read about sexless marriages all the time but it's usually after several years and kids. It's usually with 2 US born partners. I don't know if I'm not being patient enough or giving her all the chances she needs before I end it

[JeanneAdil 6,190]

31 minutes ago, Ray.Bonaquist said:

What is not fair is for a woman to expect a red blooded man to go without sex endlessly. I would also feel used in his shoes, if you were able to have sex with me before, it’s very interesting that now you’re secure you turn off the tap.

 

From the limited information he’s given this relationship is almost certainly going to end in divorce and to me therapy is pointless. She knows exactly what’s going on. That said trying therapy won’t hurt.

Because he has not mentioned talking to her and know what the issues are and he says in all other respects she is good

for me personally and this is very personal my late husband abondoned sex for several years and i tried and guessed about everything

and August 15th 2007 he walked into the living room and said "i can not pee" 

he died September 30th (a month and a half later) of  prostrate cancer /  otherwise the problem of no sex was medical 

and he being a very English prudish man,  he didn't tell me