How do you deal with an interfering ex?

[laylalex 7,247]

So, just wanted to see if other people have "drama" with their exes. Exes who want to make things difficult for you in your new relationship, and what you do/have done to handle stressful situations. My ex and I separated in February 2017 -- he came over on a K1 in 2010 -- and our divorce was final earlier this year. It was not a cordial split. He accused me of infidelity which wasn't true, but I could not get him to realize this. 

I am now engaged (technically engaged to be engaged, because I still don't have a ring... ) to an L1B visa holder whom I have known for about 14 years, since I was in college. My fiance is also my ex's (now former) best friend, which makes things... messy. The ex takes it all VERY personally, like we have betrayed him on some super deep level, when in reality my fiance and I have been friends for years. We were there for each other when things got bad, and things just... happened organically when we were supporting each other. I'm now happier than I have ever been as an adult, and my relationship is healthy and strong. (Yay, adulting!)

So anyway, back to what I was saying. My ex keeps interfering in my current relationship, trying to break us up. I mean, he has told me MANY times that I am making a huge mistake, that my fiance is unreliable/unstable/unsuitable/a loser/financially irresponsible, etc. etc. Now, I know I shouldn't pay any attention to what he says (and mostly I just ignore his emails and texts) but he's starting to ratchet up the heat. He flew my fiance's sister over from the UK last week on the pretext that he wanted to introduce her to agents/gallery owners in California (she is an artist). We didn't know ANYTHING about this until she showed up unannounced in the Bay Area on Thursday, and apparently he had told her to LIE to us and say she'd paid for everything herself (which I found unbelievable but whatever) and an art school friend had made the introductions. I mean, we were both so excited to see her, but when it came time for her to travel down to Los Angeles, where she was meeting with people, it allllll came out: my ex had paid for the flights, her accommodation, set up the meetings, etc. We were blindsided because my ex never does anything "nice" like this without something being in it for him. And I think that something is to mess with my fiance's head, because ummmmmm this is my fiance's twin sister who has known my ex since she was 16 and my ex knows she has a soft spot for him... AGGGGGHHHHH it's all like some soap opera or Riverdale or something.  My future sister-in-law is down in LA right now with my ex-husband and my fiance is losing his mind and his sister thinks it's all FANTASTIC and won't talk to her brother now but is talking to me.

I know this is NOT immigration related so I put this in Off Topic, and I honestly don't even know why I am but I need to get this off my chest because I feel SO overwhelmed. If anyone has ANY advice on how to deal with meddling exes or deal with stress (I am seeing my therapist this afternoon) or keep your relationship going strong when other people are trying to break you guys up, it would be appreciated because I am totally overwhelmed.

[LionessDeon 2,060]

I don't entertain drama filled people.  Block your ex, change your number, whatever you have to do but stop corresponding with him.  Why on earth someone's twin sister would get in the middle of this drama is beyond me but I would have as little contact with her as possible also.  People can only create drama in your life as long as you allow them too.  Stop the interaction and there's no more fun in the drama creator's world.  They will move onto someone else.

Edited August 19, 2019 by LionessDeon

[yuna628 9,528]

Some bridges need to be burned. Start burning them.

 

Things to end the drama: Cut off all contact. Block numbers, emails, txts. Whatever you have to do, do it.

Consider if mutual friendships are that valuable between you two. You may need to cut those out of your life.

If your fiancé really cares he needs to step up and tell his sister to stay out of his relationship business. If she doesn't, might be time to cut off that contact to.

 

 

[Ontarkie 13,915]

You can't change what happened and you have no say in your ex's life. He can do what he wants with who he wants. 

For your soon to be sister in law. For now leave it be, she's an adult and as she grew up with your ex and her brother being best friends she should know him well enough.. Hopefully she will be back home soon enough and your ex will be out of her life too. 

 

 

My ex went nuts when he realized I was serious about the divorce papers he was served. Heck we got the final order in and he thought he still could stop it. When I started dating he flipped out. Meanwhile he was living with someone, and he thought he could call anytime and show up at the house whenever. I stopped taking his calls. It went to voice mail. I couldn't block him or cut him right off as we had kids. But unless he left a VM to have the kids call him back or to say he was coming to pick them up I never spoke to him. He was not allowed near my house. I live on private property and the owners wouldn't allow him access through their property to get to mine. 

 

You're are lucky you can cut your ex right off. Have zero contact with him and your stress levels will drop drastically. 

 

[Boiler 43,433]

I agree the only realistic options is to cut all ties.

[Bettie Page 118]

You need to burn that bridge down and throw cold water on any glowing embers

Edited August 19, 2019 by Bettie Page

[laylalex 7,247]

Thanks everyone -- you have given me some things to think about. I just noticed the font is really small on the original post, totally an accident -- I drafted the post in a Google Doc because it was so long, and when I pasted it came out tiny, lol.

 

I want to be able to block him, really. Yes, we are lucky -- I am lucky -- that we don't have children. I don't really want to get into it too much, but we have certain aspects of our property agreement from the divorce that require us to occasionally have to coordinate. I try to do this through attorneys only, but he's kind of not paid attention to that. I'd rather not have to pay more money to continue to fight over things that were supposed to have been handled, so I've had the attitude that I can handle it once in a while.

 

And to be clear, after an incident that occurred between us a couple of months ago, I have cut off responding to all communications I have received from him. I blocked him on social media and I have stopped posting on social media completely. This is the only place where I am posting at ALL and that's because it's under a username and not my own name. 

[theresaL 408]

You have caller ID and VM, use them. With no kids there is no reason you need to take his calls. I think you mentioned he pays you alimony, so if it's paid directly to you, petition the court to have it changed and paid thru the court. Cut all contact and don't discuss him with mutual friends. It's only drama if you allow it.

[laylalex 7,247]

6 minutes ago, theresaL said:

You have caller ID and VM, use them. With no kids there is no reason you need to take his calls. I think you mentioned he pays you alimony, so if it's paid directly to you, petition the court to have it changed and paid thru the court. Cut all contact and don't discuss him with mutual friends. It's only drama if you allow it.

Interesting idea about the court. It's just SUCH a pain to do it, and most months there's no communication at all, the payment gets made from his attorneys' client trust account into my bank account and he's not involved at all. And I haven't been picking up the phone from him at all after what happened the other month. The harassment is now directed towards my fiance, either directly (a few hang up calls, though these were from UK numbers and we're not sure if they were spoofed or not, so that may be a red herring) or through this ridiculousness with his sister. She won't listen to reason at all, I've been trying to tell her that it's all a terrible idea but it's falling on deaf ears. I really *do* care about her so much and I'm worried about her. And yes, she has known him for a very long time, and of course she can have developed her own ideas about what he's like. I just don't want her to do anything stupid. 

[theresaL 408]

She's an adult and can make her own decisions (mistakes). She'll find out sooner or later what the gig is. As long as you keep trying to convince her about something she doesn't want to see the worse it makes you look and works in your ex's favor. Don't play the game.

[Boris Farage 353]

Not a single correct answer to your "predicament" in the whole lot.

 

2 hours ago, laylalex said:

He accused me of infidelity which wasn't true, but I could not get him to realize this.

This is untrue, according to your previous posts where you admitted infidelity.

 

In any case, as well as a casual relationship to the truth, you are the one being selfish here. Your ex is free to do whatever he wants, with whomever he wants. He and your future sister-in-law are presumably adults, unencumbered by the constraints of your jealousy and disapproval. You are creating drama for these people where none exists, and your fiance seems to be going along for the ride. It's no wonder you ex tried to hide his participation in her journey, he probably anticipated this very reaction.

 

Honestly, your ex--the man you say is supporting you financially--should probably forget your email and phone number. The fact he continues to engage with such petty behavior must mean he sees something, although I'm not quite sure what that might be. You seem to be taking the adage that we're all the hero of our own stories to the extreme.

 

As for your future sister-in-law, some advice: stop the tantrum long enough to realize that one way or the other, she will be family. You should make nice while that option is still available.

 

[Boris Farage 353]

2 hours ago, laylalex said:

My future sister-in-law is down in LA right now with my ex-husband and my fiance is losing his mind and his sister thinks it's all FANTASTIC and won't talk to her brother now but is talking to me.

Oh and for christ's sake, a man who is "losing his mind" because his sister wants to be happy is no man at all. Surely you can do better.

[laylalex 7,247]

43 minutes ago, Boris Farage said:

Not a single correct answer to your "predicament" in the whole lot.

 

This is untrue, according to your previous posts where you admitted infidelity.

 

In any case, as well as a casual relationship to the truth, you are the one being selfish here. Your ex is free to do whatever he wants, with whomever he wants. He and your future sister-in-law are presumably adults, unencumbered by the constraints of your jealousy and disapproval. You are creating drama for these people where none exists, and your fiance seems to be going along for the ride. It's no wonder you ex tried to hide his participation in her journey, he probably anticipated this very reaction.

 

Honestly, your ex--the man you say is supporting you financially--should probably forget your email and phone number. The fact he continues to engage with such petty behavior must mean he sees something, although I'm not quite sure what that might be. You seem to be taking the adage that we're all the hero of our own stories to the extreme.

 

As for your future sister-in-law, some advice: stop the tantrum long enough to realize that one way or the other, she will be family. You should make nice while that option is still available.

 

I did *not* cheat on my ex, and I can't recall ever saying that I did. My ex manufactured a physical affair out of something that was nothing of the sort. My fiance was going through a divorce of his own, we were already close friends, and we talked a lot on the phone. I was his support in a dark time. And as we talked, I realized how unhappy I was in my own marriage. We were there for each other and as we talked, we came to understand that we were more than just friends. It never got physical until after my ex walked out on me claiming I was having an emotional affair and there was no room for him any more in such a claustrophobic mess of a marriage. 

 

Yes, of COURSE J can do what he wants with whomever he wants, but when it gets SO close to me and A, my fiance, it feels too personal. And yes, of course A's sister can do whatever she likes too -- and the shared history is certainly why she hid it. But she LIED to me, and LIED at the direction of my ex. They knew exactly how we would react!!! So they had to resort to lies. 

 

I wish he would forget my number/email. I really wish he would. I know why he doesn't, and I won't get into it. It will make me sound narcissistic, I'm afraid. And I am TRYING to be nice to Fwhile she's down in LA. She is still texting me, and I don't want to push her away. 

33 minutes ago, Boris Farage said:

Oh and for christ's sake, a man who is "losing his mind" because his sister wants to be happy is no man at all. Surely you can do better.

You seem to have a lot of opinions about my fiance. And yes, he is losing his mind because if there is anyone who knows my ex even better than I do, it is him. Best friends for 16 years until everything went wrong. Lived together at school and then as flatmates. He knows his sister cannot be happy with my ex. I trust my fiance completely. If you think I can do better, tell me who.

Edited August 19, 2019 by Ontarkie
Removed personal information.

[Boiler 43,433]

There is no practical way you can do anything re F so best to let it go.

Edited August 19, 2019 by Ontarkie
Removed personal information.

[laylalex 7,247]

8 minutes ago, Boiler said:

There is no practical way you can do anything re F so best to let it go.

So I shouldn't respond to her texts asking for bar recommendations? Apparently she did find one of her art school friends in LA and they want to go out tonight. 

Edited August 19, 2019 by Ontarkie
Removed personal information.