Hardest adjustment?

[EnglishLove 112]

Hello,

 My fiance is preparing to permanently move over on August 27th!! I'm so excited but also nervous he's going to be missing home as he's from a big city and I live in a tiny town/farm area. I've been reading a lot of people regretting or wanting to move back. And now with the Adjustment of Status taking so long before they can work, I'm getting worried. I'd like to hear from the people that moved to the US from the UK. What was the hardest part or any advise to help him adjust?? Thank you!

[fip & jim 452]

Hey Pooley,

 

Still so happy for you guys. ☺️

 

Here's a thread that has some good suggestions: 

 

 

Common things people miss are-

• Food. I set up a subscription with Amazon for things I can't live without. Much cheaper than those online Brit stores.
• Culture. It's easier to stay in the loop now that there is digital radio/TV. It can also be really comforting to just hear a familiar accent. I have the radio on in the background on days I feel lonely or homesick.
• Independence. Feeling reliant on your USC can be very difficult to handle. I suggest enabling him to gain independence as soon as you can - bank account, a way to get around on his own when you're at work, some cash in his pocket, a list of important accounts/passwords so that he doesn't have to keep asking you before he can do anything, instructions for how the washing machine operates, what laundry detergent to pick up in the store. You get the idea. Things that you may take for granted and not even realize. 

 

It's a long process to integrate and become acclimatized to a new a culture. I read a book on immigration that said it takes about 2 years until your new home feels somewhat normal and comfortable. I think with AOS that gets delayed even more because there's so much you can't do. It's good that you're aware and looking to take steps to ease it for him. It's like any learning process - break it down in to manageable pieces until it becomes familiar and comfortable, then build on that. 

 

Using the AOS wisely also helps - you said before about him needing GED. He could study for that. There are books available through libraries, online support, maybe an Adult Education center for support. Learning for the driver's licence so he's ready to take the test when he can. Home improvement projects (how I spent most of last winter). Things that lead to a sense of accomplishment help keep morale up when things feel tough. 

 

Lastly, just acceptance that it will be tough at times. He will get homesick sometimes. He will get frustrated sometimes. It's a normal reaction to the situation and you won't be able to change that. 

[Cryssiekins 976]

If he has a sweet tooth - tell him to stock up on chocolate.  

 

Seriously though:  it will likely be a bit of a culture shock, and he’ll likely feel some homesickness, but the important thing to remember is you get to be together, and that’s what this whole rigamarole was for.

 

I know I was cranky and sad some days and would take it out on my husband.  He knew it wasn’t meant for him but just me expressing my feelings.  

 

The best thing for you to do is not to argue back if that happens, but try to be calming and supportive.

 

Additionally, if you can spend some extended time with him.  If you have vaca days, use them after the wedding to go on little adventures around your area.  Use your non-working days to get him out and comfortable with his new surroundings.  

 

Spend your free time on working days ugh each other and family.  

 

It’s going to be hard for him until he can work and figure out his own way, so be there as much as you can in the beginning.

 

My EAD took just over 3 months, and I was bored senseless most days, even after house chores.  And money was tighter so it sucked being limited in that way.  Maybe make sure he’s got a way to connect with his fiends and family back home (Skype, FaceTime etc) because that will help.

 

[futurecoloradogrl 82]

So glad to hear this!! I remember reading that you were having some difficulties during the visa process, I'm so glad your plans are coming together. 

 

I'm still yet to take the interview but have spent extended time in the US, though of course returning home to the UK at the end of it. One thing I'm worried about is the difference in food options! It seems a lot harder to eat and live healthy over there with few or no heathier 'to go' options unless you're preparing all your food at home from scratch. That's something I wanted to look into before moving - I've worked really hard this year to get fit and healthy, and would hate for it all to go to waste. I've had a look at gyms and yoga centers in Denver that offer free or cheap trial options so it'll be something I can do to keep busy during the weird 'in-between' period, whilst maintaining my health and fitness and also getting to meet new people. I've also been chatting to a couple of ladies via Instagram who live in the area and want to meet up for coffee or thrifting - a great way of connecting with new friends before you move, especially if you have niche interests & hobbies that other locals might share. 

 

Another thing I've found fun is to look up and organise local activities you can do with your fiance at the weekends (or their days off) - in Denver there's a zoo we haven't been to, and a few little hiking trips and tourist attractions nearby that I'm excited to research. 

 

Interested to hear any other ideas! 

[EnglishLove 112]

10 minutes ago, futurecoloradogrl said:

So glad to hear this!! I remember reading that you were having some difficulties during the visa process, I'm so glad your plans are coming together. 

 

I'm still yet to take the interview but have spent extended time in the US, though of course returning home to the UK at the end of it. One thing I'm worried about is the difference in food options! It seems a lot harder to eat and live healthy over there with few or no heathier 'to go' options unless you're preparing all your food at home from scratch. That's something I wanted to look into before moving - I've worked really hard this year to get fit and healthy, and would hate for it all to go to waste. I've had a look at gyms and yoga centers in Denver that offer free or cheap trial options so it'll be something I can do to keep busy during the weird 'in-between' period, whilst maintaining my health and fitness and also getting to meet new people. I've also been chatting to a couple of ladies via Instagram who live in the area and want to meet up for coffee or thrifting - a great way of connecting with new friends before you move, especially if you have niche interests & hobbies that other locals might share. 

 

Another thing I've found fun is to look up and organise local activities you can do with your fiance at the weekends (or their days off) - in Denver there's a zoo we haven't been to, and a few little hiking trips and tourist attractions nearby that I'm excited to research. 

 

Interested to hear any other ideas! 

 I know the foods are a bit different so I will need to look into that. He was here for a month around Christmas and didn't mind most of it and being raised on a farm, I get most of my foods (including meat) all fresh and not store bought which makes them healthier. We do have some gyms but really the most my town offers is an Albertsons and a Walmart lol. I work 5 days a week, 8-5, so he'll be home by himself most of the days which is why I'm worried. But he will be busy with his GED so that'll help.

[fip & jim 452]

I just remembered - I made a temperature conversion chart to put above the thermostat as I was always trying to figure out what the temperature was in celsius. AC is not common in the UK. It took me a while to know what was a good temperature in F for me to have the AC/heating set at. 

 

Same with bugs and plants and snakes - it's not common to come across poisonous species in the UK. I'm still not completely familiar with everything yet but I am more comfortable venturing out on my own now. I got a natural history book out of the library to try to learn some species. 

 

Connecting where things are in relation to each other also took time. It depends on how your fiance learns. I'm a visual learner so if someone gives me directions it doesn't work for me. I need to look at a map and then link it up in my head. 

 

Also the thought of a tornado ripping through the neighborhood was terrifying so I taught myself a tornado drill. The weather is much more extreme here. I'd driven in snow maybe 4 or 5 times in the UK. I know it's going to be an everyday thing here for me next winter. 

[EnglishLove 112]

2 minutes ago, fip & jim said:

I just remembered - I made a temperature conversion chart to put above the thermostat as I was always trying to figure out what the temperature was in celsius. AC is not common in the UK. It took me a while to know what was a good temperature in F for me to have the AC/heating set at. 

 

Same with bugs and plants and snakes - it's not common to come across poisonous species in the UK. I'm still not completely familiar with everything yet but I am more comfortable venturing out on my own now. I got a natural history book out of the library to try to learn some species. 

 

Connecting where things are in relation to each other also took time. It depends on how your fiance learns. I'm a visual learner so if someone gives me directions it doesn't work for me. I need to look at a map and then link it up in my head. 

 

Also the thought of a tornado ripping through the neighborhood was terrifying so I taught myself a tornado drill. The weather is much more extreme here. I'd driven in snow maybe 4 or 5 times in the UK. I know it's going to be an everyday thing here for me next winter. 

That's a super good idea with the thermostat. We always are looking at our temperatures on the phones but that will help. Thankfully he's been here in both winter and summer so he got some practice driving in the snow. We rarely get tornado's here. Mainly lightening storms that result in wildfire. When he was here for the summer, we did catch some snakes (only bull snakes, I will have to show him the rattler which is the only poisonous snakes we have). I also took him up to the mountains where we have mountain lions, bears, and wolves so he was a little spooked but I'm guessing he'll get use to that in time lol. The biggest thing he has to learn about is the horses and cattle. He does love it on the ranch, but with me working Monday - Friday, it's him having to find something to do during that time.

[dentsflogged 352]

Not from the UK (Australia) but I did the "big city to small town" thing and.... look, honestly - it SUCKS.  It seems wonderful when you're visiting, and even for the first few weeks/months.

But small towns are insular. People have known each other for years (sometimes their whole lives) and it's hard to break into that to make friends. If you're in an area which "closes down" during winter (like we are) then it's even harder because there's no events going on where you might meet people.   Food options are incredibly limited (I used to be able to get literally ANY type of food I could want within a half hour drive of my old apartment, now I'm stuck with one (ok) Mexican place, one (terrible) Chinese place, about 7 different pizza places, 5 fast food chains and generic "bar" food of wings/burgers/pizza etc. Not exactly my idea of great options. 

 

For me, I'd love it if my husband made more of an effort to say "hey, lets go to the city this weekend" (he LOATHES cities, which is one of the reasons we live here, rather than Australia where quality of life is so much better on average, at least IMO) or was more willing to go out on our joint days off so I had a hope in hell of making new friends (I recently started working and get along pretty well with some colleagues, but it's not the same as organically making friends going from having a big group of friends I have a lot in common with in Australia to having a few people I can have a drink & a decent conversation with a few days a week is a HUGE adjustment and honestly after 9 months I'm starting to feel very isolated, lonely and depressed by it)

 

So - talk to him. Ask what he needs.  Does he need/will he benefit from a "city" weekend every now and then to get his fix?  Look at options to get food he's used to and enjoys.  Talk to his friends/family and see if any of them are willing to put together care packages of stuff from home he likes (my best friend sends me my favourite chips - since Chicken flavoured chips don't seem to exist here - and body wash from home every few months)  Try to help him find friends by doing research about stuff he's interested in before he arrives that he can start going to so he can start making new friends. If he likes British TV maybe subscribe to that on your cable package or get BBC on Amazon Prime (is that still an option? I don't know). If he had to sell/donate any things he really liked before moving see if you can surprise him with them (I couldn't keep all my DVDs so husband surprised me by upgrading my Lord of the Rings to the Extended Edition Blu Rays for Christmas) so he's got some familiar stuff that's got new memories attached to it.

[EnglishLove 112]

11 minutes ago, dentsflogged said:

Not from the UK (Australia) but I did the "big city to small town" thing and.... look, honestly - it SUCKS.  It seems wonderful when you're visiting, and even for the first few weeks/months.

But small towns are insular. People have known each other for years (sometimes their whole lives) and it's hard to break into that to make friends. If you're in an area which "closes down" during winter (like we are) then it's even harder because there's no events going on where you might meet people.   Food options are incredibly limited (I used to be able to get literally ANY type of food I could want within a half hour drive of my old apartment, now I'm stuck with one (ok) Mexican place, one (terrible) Chinese place, about 7 different pizza places, 5 fast food chains and generic "bar" food of wings/burgers/pizza etc. Not exactly my idea of great options. 

 

For me, I'd love it if my husband made more of an effort to say "hey, lets go to the city this weekend" (he LOATHES cities, which is one of the reasons we live here, rather than Australia where quality of life is so much better on average, at least IMO) or was more willing to go out on our joint days off so I had a hope in hell of making new friends (I recently started working and get along pretty well with some colleagues, but it's not the same as organically making friends going from having a big group of friends I have a lot in common with in Australia to having a few people I can have a drink & a decent conversation with a few days a week is a HUGE adjustment and honestly after 9 months I'm starting to feel very isolated, lonely and depressed by it)

 

So - talk to him. Ask what he needs.  Does he need/will he benefit from a "city" weekend every now and then to get his fix?  Look at options to get food he's used to and enjoys.  Talk to his friends/family and see if any of them are willing to put together care packages of stuff from home he likes (my best friend sends me my favourite chips - since Chicken flavoured chips don't seem to exist here - and body wash from home every few months)  Try to help him find friends by doing research about stuff he's interested in before he arrives that he can start going to so he can start making new friends. If he likes British TV maybe subscribe to that on your cable package or get BBC on Amazon Prime (is that still an option? I don't know). If he had to sell/donate any things he really liked before moving see if you can surprise him with them (I couldn't keep all my DVDs so husband surprised me by upgrading my Lord of the Rings to the Extended Edition Blu Rays for Christmas) so he's got some familiar stuff that's got new memories attached to it.

This really great information! And I hope you start feeling at home soon. I'm really worried about this with my husband because it seems like that's the same situation he's going to be going into. I will look into getting him things that he really enjoys. Luckily, the nearest 'city' is only about 40 minutes away so I think that'll help.

[AmandaandChayne 734]

Hey Pooley like your fiancé I’ve moved from a busy city to a rural area of the US with a small population.

hardest things for me so far are not being able to drive and having hardly any pavements so walking here is an issue, feeling isolated, missing family so remind him to call home regularly they do want to hear from you, if he has made friends already plan things to do with them and find an ex pats group if there is one in your state and help him get to it. Missing English voices happens quite quickly. 

Amazon is great for English foods you’ll be surprised what he misses. Find English /Irish pubs in the area that do good food. Oh and long John silvers do cod.

I miss walking majorly. I miss being able to pop to a local shop. MapMyWalk is about to help with finding walking routes. 

Plan to have time together, quality time even if it’s small amounts often because integrating into your life is very different to visits. 

Allow him to help with your things right away so he has value be it helping sort fiancés or do the yard etc is crucial. I felt lost when I felt I had no value. 

If you need anything else feel free to message me 

 

[EnglishLove 112]

4 minutes ago, AmandaandChayne said:

Hey Pooley like your fiancé I’ve moved from a busy city to a rural area of the US with a small population.

hardest things for me so far are not being able to drive and having hardly any pavements so walking here is an issue, feeling isolated, missing family so remind him to call home regularly they do want to hear from you, if he has made friends already plan things to do with them and find an ex pats group if there is one in your state and help him get to it. Missing English voices happens quite quickly. 

Amazon is great for English foods you’ll be surprised what he misses. Find English /Irish pubs in the area that do good food. Oh and long John silvers do cod.

I miss walking majorly. I miss being able to pop to a local shop. MapMyWalk is about to help with finding walking routes. 

Plan to have time together, quality time even if it’s small amounts often because integrating into your life is very different to visits. 

Allow him to help with your things right away so he has value be it helping sort fiancés or do the yard etc is crucial. I felt lost when I felt I had no value. 

If you need anything else feel free to message me 

 

I will definitely have to look into the food for him. Thankfully, I have a ton of projects that need to be done around my house and he loves building so that should help. My town is a little bigger than the one I grew up in so we do have sidewalks where he can go walking. Thank you for all your advice! 

[futurecoloradogrl 82]

3 hours ago, fip & jim said:

I just remembered - I made a temperature conversion chart to put above the thermostat as I was always trying to figure out what the temperature was in celsius. AC is not common in the UK. It took me a while to know what was a good temperature in F for me to have the AC/heating set at. 

 

Same with bugs and plants and snakes - it's not common to come across poisonous species in the UK. I'm still not completely familiar with everything yet but I am more comfortable venturing out on my own now. I got a natural history book out of the library to try to learn some species. 

 

Connecting where things are in relation to each other also took time. It depends on how your fiance learns. I'm a visual learner so if someone gives me directions it doesn't work for me. I need to look at a map and then link it up in my head. 

 

Also the thought of a tornado ripping through the neighborhood was terrifying so I taught myself a tornado drill. The weather is much more extreme here. I'd driven in snow maybe 4 or 5 times in the UK. I know it's going to be an everyday thing here for me next winter. 

All great points that I didn't think about! Only my grandma and older friends think in fahrenheit, so it's weird having to re-learn C to F! I just have heating here at home so it's either 'on' or 'off' - I just tend to leave my fiance's AC where it is as it's really not something I'm familiar with (& don't want to mess it up). 

 

It was very strange (and scary) seeing that the airport in Denver has tornado shelters! Though I was reassured that the tornados are mostly out on the plains and not the city. Good, I guess..? And I would not even want to attempt to drive in the snow! I got myself a pair of Bean boots after my future father-in-law recommended them and they were great for snowy and slushy weather over there - I'm on the south coast beach here in the UK so not used to snow at all. 

[thatguyuknow 147]

Tell him to bring an Orange Warburtons loaf! Dam this American bread gets old quick. I buy 'Artisan' bread but it ain't ever gonna be the same. 

 

I've been here 3 months and love it. Weather is amazing, my job is amazing and our home is awesome. Not felt homesick yet and I come from the big smoke. 

 

Tell him to embrace what Americans do and he'll fit right in. Every other day I'm either on a quad, a side by side, in the pool or out fishing with or without boat, sitting around a firepit or cooking on the bbq. How often would I do those things in the UK? Never! Well maybe the BBQ.  My partners family have been incredible and they've taken me under their wing. Without my partners family helping me integrate it would've been alot harder. 

[EnglishLove 112]

1 minute ago, thatguyuknow said:

Tell him to bring an Orange Warburtons loaf! Dam this American bread gets old quick. I buy 'Artisan' bread but it ain't ever gonna be the same. 

 

I've been here 3 months and love it. Weather is amazing, my job is amazing and our home is awesome. Not felt homesick yet and I come from the big smoke. 

 

Tell him to embrace what Americans do and he'll fit right in. Every other day I'm either on a quad, a side by side, in the pool or out fishing with or without boat, sitting around a firepit or cooking on the bbq. How often would I do those things in the UK? Never! Well maybe the BBQ.  My partners family have been incredible and they've taken me under their wing. Without my partners family helping me integrate it would've been alot harder. 

Where are you at in the US?? And yeah, he did complain about the bread and said we will have to buy a different kind when he gets here lol. I will be taking him out fishing and doing BBQ's and he has to learn to ride horses but it's still not the city lol

[thatguyuknow 147]

25 minutes ago, Pooley said:

Where are you at in the US?? 

We stay in Monroeville in PA, about 15 miles from the City and my partners family are about a 30 minute drive south in Greensburg/Youngwood area. 

 

Monroeville is nice for me, good mix of city and suburb.