Overbearing Vietnamese Mother Straining our Marriage

[millefleur 5,035]

22 minutes ago, Jjcouple said:

Right now we can afford to live here and it's nice to be close to family, it's just a drag to deal with the extreme emotional strain. 

If you're happy here (I personally cannot stand this place but to each his own! Glad some folks like it...) and have the funds to thrive here, move to your own place even if it means renting temporarily. Portland is a big town, you could consider a suburb area like Hillsboro, Beaverton, Gresham, or even Vancouver, WA...rent is cheaper in these areas than in Portland proper and you could shop for a place to buy in the meantime. Just some ideas to consider.

[Jjcouple 28]

1 hour ago, britishandusa said:

I am Vietnamese American. Born and raised here. My husband is British. We lived with my parents for the first year he moved here--we've only just recently moved as of last week actually because of my overbearing parents!

 

It was hard. Although my parents are caring and can be sweet, they can be really difficult because of their way of life. Like your mom (my mom was born and raised in the south, Saigon), my mom was very specific with a certain way and frugal. When we moved out, I got shouted about how much we were spending on our own apartment with our own money. Every time we bought groceries, when we lived there--we were scolded about how much we were spending and wasting.

 

My advice? Move out. It is a struggle financially but you don't have to put up with the strain anymore. It got toxic in the house. The last week we were there, my parents blew up at us because my parents didn't like that we cooked in the house (it made it stink) and my dad threatened to throw us out. Never did he dream that we'd actually move out. Since we've moved out, it's been a blessing. 

That was a very nice personal story to share your experience- thank you so much. 

Yes! We get shouted at for buying food for everyone to share, but then we don't buy anything we get shouted at how we don't buy anything. It's a lost cause. 

I don't know how to describe the way they act- it's almost bipolar. 

 

And my mom does most of the confrontation, while my dad sits back and does not challenge her- so we can't even talk to him about anything. 

[TBoneTX 43,058]

7 hours ago, Jjcouple said:

our frugality [...] and us being cheap

There is nothing wrong with this.  Being frugal shows discipline, and being cheap means finding many bargains with money left over for even more bargains.

1 hour ago, Jjcouple said:

I think that everyone from vietnam are lovely, and anyone from anywhere are lovely.

What a classy statement and fine attitude.

[Jjcouple 28]

1 hour ago, hope2018 said:

The best solution is to move out as soon as possible. It's not your mother or your wife's fault. It is just not easy to live with others. If you and your wife live with your parents for free, you should help with housework such as cleaning and dishes. You are the middle man, you probably have to learn to be very thoughtful and "act fair" to two most important women in your life. Please do not let your mother feels like you are taking side with your wife and vice versa.  When your mother criticizes your wife with you, you can just tell her "Ok, I will let my wife know" and move on to a different topic, do not try to explain or argue with your mother. You cannot change your mother but you can change the way you react to the situation. 

  

My mother in law is my best friend. I could spend many hours on the phone with her until my husband took the phone away to ask both of us to go to sleep  or the phone ran out of battery.  I just know parents are not going to live forever, one day they will not be here to love you, to criticize you or to get mad at you. Everything will pass, just take everything easy and enjoy it while they are alive. Good luck!

we live for free and of course we do housework such a cleaning and the dishes- we're not totally useless. 

However my mother keeps score of who does the dishes, when and then she compares (I do five times you do only 1 time) which is a lie she fabricates. 

We've been reacting in a peaceful manner, things are just getting worse and worse because they think we can take it.

 

You've got a special relationship, i am envious. 

[TBoneTX 43,058]

3 minutes ago, Jjcouple said:

she compares (I do five times you do only 1 time)

Hostess:  "Please have another of these hors d'oeuvres."

Guest:  "Oh, they're delicious, but I've already had three."

Hostess:  "You've had seven, but who's counting?"

[Jjcouple 28]

4 minutes ago, TBoneTX said:

There is nothing wrong with this.  Being frugal shows discipline, and being cheap means finding many bargains with money left over for even more bargains.

What a classy statement and fine attitude.

Thanks for the support TBONE. 

We get called cheap or stingy because we search out the best deals. Like if we are needing to buy a vacuum and have a coupon, im going to use the coupon or at least get it online where it's cheaper and it is free shipping. My mom sees this as being cheap for whatever reason. My wife and I explain to each other that we will splurge on traveling and nice food but we don't need fancy clothes or expensive things outside of experiences and making memories. We want to embody this so that one day when we have children they will understand the value of money and how to properly use it. Obviously each family has their own way of spending money. Im just so confused why this is stingy/cheap. I think of it as being smart and resourceful. 

[nastra30 1,983]

You seem like a very well mannered guy. I can't imagine how your wife is feeling living under the same roof with her MIL. Please for the her sanity and the sanity of your marriage, I think perhaps the time to move on your own is now, even if it's to move to a studio apartment. In general, spouses especially wives feel more free and feel less pressured to express themselves more freely when in laws are not around. Mom visiting occasionally is good but staying under same roof (especially your mom's own house) with your mom and your wife is not the best arrangement, imo. Goodluck with everything and enjoy your marriage but gotta move ASAP.

Edited April 4, 2019 by nastra30

[TBoneTX 43,058]

1 hour ago, Jjcouple said:

I think of it as being smart and resourceful. 

You're exactly correct.

Coupons = free money.  I don't know why more people don't use them.

Do what you can to keep the peace in the house.

Perhaps you have family or family friends who might be allies if you asked for their support.

[Julie & Jae 16]

Hi. I'm here to help give you some support and validation of your feelings/situation!

 

I'm Vietnamese-American and my mother is the same way. Contradictory in her words to the point where I think she's bipolar. I think I understand where you're coming from, you're not sure how to react to your mother's venomous actions and words right? Know that it is considered emotional abuse and it's not okay. The best thing for you and your wife is to remove yourselves from that environment. However, I totally get the scary reality of trying to move out on your own, especially when you're not set up financially. If that's the case, the sad reality is that you'll just have to grit your teeth and bear with it until you are able to leave. What I've learned is you kind of have to re-educate them how to treat you. When she is starting another one of her hurtful rants, calmly say "Mother, I am always open to any constructive advice, but if you scream at me like that or say something unnecessarily mean, I will not listen to you." (Or anything along these lines...) And walk away. She'll probably get shocked and scream some more calling you a bad son but just stay calm and leave the premises. Then inevitably, the next time she screams again, you need to once again calmly walk away. After a while she'll understand that you won't stand for that sort of behavior as you are an adult now and maybe try to change her communication towards you. But know this is a long step-by-step process that might take a while to catch and they may never fully change... I'm still working on things with my own mother but I can see that at least she is aware now how she talks to me and has become softer. I wish you the best!!

[Mr. Data 26]

Living with your parents after marriage is a recipe for disaster, no matter what the nationalities involved are. The contentious issues your mom and wife have settled on just happen to revolve around the VN culture issues you mentioned, but in 1000 families there will be 1000 reasons for mothers and wives to butt heads.

 

Move out and move at least 200 miles away if you can. Conflicts like this will be inevitable and you need to choose your wife over your parents, if you are ready to be an adult and start your own family unit. Just my 2 cents OP, hope everything works out for you guys.

[Going through 5,668]

No matter what, living with parents/in-laws can put a strain on a new marriage.  Add in the stress of your wife adjusting to a new country/new lifestyle/new job it can become overwhelming.  It's good that you seem to have a strong handle on what's going on and how it can affect your wife.  

 

Obvious suggestion is to move out of your parents' home as soon as feasible.  Along with the suggestion that your wife find employment elsewhere...this is key to your wife remaining happy in this situation right now, I think.  Dealing with mother--in-law issues at home is one thing, but having to deal with them at WORK too?!  Give your lady a break, and help her find another job elsewhere...

 

Your mother may be feeling a bit jealous of your wife too...in her mind, she's been "replaced" somewhat.

 

Keep in mind that the first time your mother sees how your wife "runs" her own home, she's probably going to criticize everything from the placement of furniture to what's inside the fridge.

[Kowatti 189]

12 hours ago, Jjcouple said:

we're in Portland, Oregon. 

I am Vietnamese American and I sponsored my wife who is from Vietnam this past year, we've been happily married and enjoying our lives together for the past 7 months now. We've been together for about 2 years almost now. 

We are living at my parents house for the time being because we are doing the paperwork to borrow monies for a house. This experience has been hotter than dante's inferno.

 

To setup the context: 

My mother is northern vietnamese decent (nguoi Bac) and she has been a naturalized citizen since 1984. My wife is also northern vietnamese decent (nguoi Bac) but her family has assimilated into southern vietnamese culture and traditions since after the Vietnam war when her parents moved and she was born (94'). Therefore, my wife is somewhat of a hybrid of northern and southern person. The common stereotypes for northern Vietnamese such as : Saying things in a beat around the bush fashion without actually saying things straight, or addressing every single person at the table before you eat, etc- are not true when it comes to my Wife. 

 

My mother seems to think however that northern Vietnamese culture is superior/more classy/more correct/formal. 

She exploded the other day and called my wife's family communist. Her dad is in the party, but her mother, her and siblings are not - plus everyone knows  in this day and age this is basically for job stability/opportunity- their philosophy is not communist, far from it. It was a really strange outburst. 

She says that the only reason she puts up with my wife is because I married her and i'm her Son, and that my wife is not northern vietnamese, and that her mother did not know how to raise her properly. 

 

My mother than goes on to explain how my Wife is not a good daughter in law, i.e does not pay enough attention to the dishes, cleaning the house etc. I was in the middle of that, explaining to my mom that my wife immigrated from a totally new place, a new house and is learning the ropes here in the USA she needs some time to re-calibrate. She responds with no mercy whatsoever. 

 

She starts to go off on us about how us being frugal with our money makes her and my dad lose face. My wife just got her paperwork approval so we had a short trip to Vietnam for my wife.

We did a costco Run and got my uncle (her brother) and my grandpa (her dad) some sweets/treats. On our return she asks us why we are so pathetic in that all we could give them was some cookies (mua duoc co cai bao banh thoi ah) I don't understand where this deep rooted shame or fear of loosing face extends from. After that comment she tells at the top of her lungs that she forbids us to visit my uncle and my grandpa. i almost lost it in laughter. Meanwhile in Vietnam we were told that just us being there and showing up all the way from the USA is already a great surprise and gift (but of course we don't just come empty handed). She compares what we bought for my relatives (uncle & grandpa) versus what we bought for her family (her mom dad, preteen brother, aunt, grandma)

and says that she cares more about her family than mine (and that I let my wife become like that) (lol again) but in frankness my family in vietnam is better off than most while my wife's family is not so much. AND other relatives in my family travel throughout the year to the USA and back, so my family has more access to foods/resources from the states. While my wife's family only now has her and Me. (but that's besides the point) the point is, forbidding us to visit my own family in Vietnam because she sees our frugality as bad and us being cheap does not make sense to me. It's an action that we take out of our affection, and we are not going buying a $1200 iphone or laptop for someone every-time we visit because it paints a "better picture"

 

Life in america is expensive, life in america married is even more expensive. My wife just got the paperwork to work. She works for my parents. After calling us cheap, she asks my wife why she has to be so accurate in her time keeping (she clocks in  30 minute intervals) and that in the past daughter in laws if were working for her husbands family would be doing it for free. I don't agree with this because we are going to file the taxes etc so duh- we are going to be accurate as possible. 

 

I think that's all I have the heart to type out right now- let me know your experiences with this- especially for those of you in the Asian communities.

I'm trying hard to find a counselor who speaks Vietnamese in the portland metropolitan area. We are catholics at the vietnamese our lady of lavang church but that's been a sh*tshow too.  

 

 

 

Regardless to what your cultural background is, it's not always a good idea to live with family once you get married.  You are inviting them into your marital lives & it becomes difficult for them not to take sides.  I would say get out of their house, rent a little house/apt until you are able to purchase your own home.  Marriages have broken up from living with overbearing parents & family members.  I am a Christian & we believe that your spouse should always come first.  Take up for your wife when she is being insulted.  Just my opinion.  I wish both of you happiness for your future & good luck.   

Edited April 4, 2019 by PandT

[nastra30 1,983]

1 hour ago, Julie & Jae said:

Hi. I'm here to help give you some support and validation of your feelings/situation!

 

I'm Vietnamese-American and my mother is the same way. Contradictory in her words to the point where I think she's bipolar. I think I understand where you're coming from, you're not sure how to react to your mother's venomous actions and words right? Know that it is considered emotional abuse and it's not okay. The best thing for you and your wife is to remove yourselves from that environment. However, I totally get the scary reality of trying to move out on your own, especially when you're not set up financially. If that's the case, the sad reality is that you'll just have to grit your teeth and bear with it until you are able to leave. What I've learned is you kind of have to re-educate them how to treat you. When she is starting another one of her hurtful rants, calmly say "Mother, I am always open to any constructive advice, but if you scream at me like that or say something unnecessarily mean, I will not listen to you." (Or anything along these lines...) And walk away. She'll probably get shocked and scream some more calling you a bad son but just stay calm and leave the premises. Then inevitably, the next time she screams again, you need to once again calmly walk away. After a while she'll understand that you won't stand for that sort of behavior as you are an adult now and maybe try to change her communication towards you. But know this is a long step-by-step process that might take a while to catch and they may never fully change... I'm still working on things with my own mother but I can see that at least she is aware now how she talks to me and has become softer. I wish you the best!!

And how should his wife behave or react to the MIL under her own roof especially when OP is not around? I'm more concerned about wife's emotional stress and sanity, than OP.

Edited April 4, 2019 by nastra30

[Greekwife 58]

Does your wife make you happy?

Is that obvious to your mother?

If your mother really loves you,she can set her selfishness away ( as such it seems) and accept your wife who makes you happy.

Moving out would help but your mum has to know her limits and I am afraid you have to set those limits if she finds it difficult to set those on her own....

[Mezyan 149]

I can understand your pain and I feel for you and your wife.

 

Whether you stay or move, I'd just make sure your wife feels supported and emotionally safe. But it seems like you are doing that from what I read! In my previous marriage my mother in law was very harsh towards me and my ex would feel caught in the middle and often take her side. It felt pretty horrible. It made things really difficult in our marriage and having a relationship with his family.

 

Saying that though, if it's possible, I also think its important to let your mom know how you feel. I think if you can very gently and lovingly talk to your mom about how the things she says make you feel and how you wish she could respond may be helpful. As long as you make the statements about yourself and how you feel and not accusing her of things, this usually has better results.

 

Good luck!