Has anyone's fiance' had a last-minute change of heart scare?

[Unidentified 2,930]

I haven't read all the applies, I am about to get ready for work but I just wanted to say this:

 

I don't think this is a change of heart at all. I had the same kind of feeling but never told my husband about it. And compared to you guys we actually were able to live together for one year when I was studying and had lived in the US 2 years previous to that. 

 

I think it's more of a sudden "oh my god I am giving up everything to move to another country what if... followed by a bunch of scenarios". I was scared of all the time I had missed out and would miss out with my parents (father actually passed away 2 months after I came here on K1). I was scared of finding a job that would pay better than the one I had in Sweden before going to the US 3 years ago. I was worried about what would happen if for some reason we suddenly decided to break up, what would happen to me, pretty much broke and in a different country? 

 

But then I calmed down, realized I love my husband and you just have to take chances in your life. I think most of us who moves just have a moment of being scared right before we take that big leap and move and hopefully that's just what's going on with your fiance. Just talk to her, reassure her and you guys should be fine. 

[AshMarty 359]

11 hours ago, N-o-l-a said:

Well, I'm the American, and I definitely had some hesitation.  At the time we were planning on living together in Denmark and I had just moved there.  I kept putting off getting married and just sucked it up and did it because I felt as though that was what fate had in store for me.

 

There was no grand fairy tale, no "dying to be with my love", or anything romantic about it.

 

It wasn't a happy day per se, I pretty sure I was shaking and almost threw up beforehand.  I was happier afterwards.

 

#reallife

 

We'll be married for 6 years in a few months and have some kids.  It is naive to think that everything goes like it does in a romance novel.  Real people have a wide range of reactions to life events and changes.

I couldn't agree more with this statement. I wanted to live with my then boyfriend for a while before we committed to marriage  but 2 years went by and jobs weren't panning out for him in the US (he previously lived in the US for work and that is how we met). I was the one hesitant to commit to marriage without living together but we are in our thirties and in my heart I knew we would eventually get married and so finally I said yes.  But I, the American, was the one that was having anxiety leading up the him moving in. We are hitting our one year anniversary mark and we could not be happier with our life together. 

Edited June 12, 2018 by AshMarty

[CMJuilland 484]

As others have said before, this is a normal reaction.  And I even think you guys might be better off to talk about these things upfront instead of just swallowing everything and not bring it up at all.  

When I came hear a little over a year ago, I didn't come to a country foreign to me; I even grew up with the language.  Also, my now spouse and I had known each other for almost 13 years when I immigrated, and we had lived together for a couple of months prior to my move.   And yet, living here (as opposed to visiting, even for a couple of weeks at a time) is quite different from what I was used to up to then.  The fact that I couldn't work (I had never been without a job before), that I lost some of my former independence (both my wife and I had been living alone for years before we tied the knot), and that I basically had to start over here - all of that was hard, and I remember pushing that thought far away right before moving over the Pond because it terrified me to see that.  And unfortunately, I decided to just swallow my fears because, after all, I was getting married and therefore supposed to be over the moon excited.  That is why I decided not to talk about it with my then fiancee, which sent me down a frantic spiral a couple of days before our wedding, and that was definitely not fair to my now wife.  I wish I had had the guts to address it; our pre-wedding week would have been a lot calmer had I been able to admit to myself that I'm in full on panic mode.  I'm lucky that my wife is a very understanding person, and we can now laugh about these things, but in the moment, all of that was very hurtful to both of us.   In hindsight, feelings like that have, in my opinion, nothing to do with loving your SO enough or not.  YOUR life situation is about to significantly change, and most of us panic, albeit some of us only slightly, when we get pushed (too) far out of our comfort zone.  My wife saw that (and still does!), and she gives me the best support possible. 

This is kind of a long way of saying that I can understand your fiancee's reaction 100%.  It's great that you guys can talk about these feelings; I'm sure your understanding puts her in a much safer space and gives her some peace of mind.  It is important to be upfront and honest, and this process takes a huge toll, especially now that it takes longer and longer.  

 

Good luck to you and your fiancee!! 

[fip & jim 452]

Moving from Hungary is a BIG change. I'm in the UK and the first time I went to the States was a big adjustment, even though we are used to the culture and language. It was very disorientating. Even crossing the street was confusing, I kept looking the wrong way because we drive on the other side of the road. When we were in the car I felt like we were going to get in a car wreck because of how disorientating it was. That's just one aspect but all those seemingly inconsequential things add up to make you feel not quite yourself. I also used to feel terribly self conscious when we were in public because people have this split second reaction trying to figure out your accent, then they love to ask you loads of questions. I'm a private kind of person so it used to make me feel flustered - you don't want to come across as rude and you're not used to the customs.

  

Whenever I get scared I feel terrible for my fiance and the distance only makes it worse. You can't have a hug and reassure each other. So I'm sure your fiancee was dreading bringing this up with you.

 

I totally get how she feels about you not being able to have a trial period of living together. I don't even want to be married, I'm only doing it because it's the only way we can get to be together. In an ideal situation I would take things slowly, spend more time at each other's places before gradually moving in together. I hate that I have to take this massive step to even get to a point where we can spend time together, and at times I resent that I have to give up so much. You have to appraise - do I want this unknown thing, this unknown future, more than the certainty of what I do know? That is one thing the other person cannot fully understand and if you're not careful it can alienate you from each other. You've had a lot of really good advice given here and I'm going to be taking some of it on board myself. 

 

Whenever I get scared I think about all the people that made that journey to America in the past, on sailing ships and without all the technology that we have. Even getting to send a letter back home was a big deal, and would take months to reach the old country. Whenever I feel I can't do something I remember the advice someone gave me years ago when I was struggling to play an instrument - everything can be played, you just haven't found your way to do it yet. People are constantly moving across the globe, stepping in to the unknown, and they always have. It's normal to feel scared, frustrated, resentful, sad, and all the other things that emigrating entails. If you can keep communicating and work through the fears and sadness that is an inevitable part of this, then you will have a strong foundation. 

 

Wishing you both the best on your journey. 

 

[zamardii12 25]

So we finally have a day for the interview. Wednesday is the day of the interview. She messaged me at 1am her time and she said she is having stomach cramps (nervous). She said there are so many unknowns, how will we be together, so much time has passed since we last saw each other (8 months) (she mentions that a lot), and she said that sometimes I feel like I can't go out there and then other times I am totally positive I want to. 

 

She scares me sometimes, but I keep telling her how much she loved being here when she was here and how she said she felt like she was "home" for the first time being here, and I told her to remember the good times we had, and that I have given up so much just to be with her to which she replied "me too." How often she tells me she loves me and says she misses me. I told her I don't want you to feel like you NEED to come here, but I do know that my feelings towards you haven't changed regardless of the time, and that I didn't wait 9 months for you to not at least give this a try and if you feel like ti doesn't work for you then that's fine too. I told her but no matter what I'll be by your side and I that I want her to want to be with me. I told her "There are a lot of things I don't know, but I do know that I gave up a lot to prepare for you to be in my life" which which she replied "me too." 

 

So, now that we are getting ever closer to the interview date I imagine this is normal? I can think pessimistically sometimes and I have these thoughts of her changing her mind about coming here, but I can't imagine that after all this time that she wouldn't go through with the interview and at least come her after talking about this and planning for this for so long. I told her that at the end of the day I understand her feelings though and that I just want you to know that I love you. 

 

And that was that for tonight. 

[BJ & Christine 1,392]

1 hour ago, zamardii12 said:

So we finally have a day for the interview. Wednesday is the day of the interview. She messaged me at 1am her time and she said she is having stomach cramps (nervous). She said there are so many unknowns, how will we be together, so much time has passed since we last saw each other (8 months) (she mentions that a lot), and she said that sometimes I feel like I can't go out there and then other times I am totally positive I want to. 

 

She scares me sometimes, but I keep telling her how much she loved being here when she was here and how she said she felt like she was "home" for the first time being here, and I told her to remember the good times we had, and that I have given up so much just to be with her to which she replied "me too." How often she tells me she loves me and says she misses me. I told her I don't want you to feel like you NEED to come here, but I do know that my feelings towards you haven't changed regardless of the time, and that I didn't wait 9 months for you to not at least give this a try and if you feel like ti doesn't work for you then that's fine too. I told her but no matter what I'll be by your side and I that I want her to want to be with me. I told her "There are a lot of things I don't know, but I do know that I gave up a lot to prepare for you to be in my life" which which she replied "me too." 

 

So, now that we are getting ever closer to the interview date I imagine this is normal? I can think pessimistically sometimes and I have these thoughts of her changing her mind about coming here, but I can't imagine that after all this time that she wouldn't go through with the interview and at least come her after talking about this and planning for this for so long. I told her that at the end of the day I understand her feelings though and that I just want you to know that I love you. 

 

And that was that for tonight. 

All I can say is. U have the 90 days to marry. If she can’t handle it then she can always move back prior to marrying. It sucks but that’s why they give u the 90 day grace period. 

Hopefully it’s nerves and everything will be just fine in the end.. 

[Unidentified 2,930]

13 hours ago, zamardii12 said:

So we finally have a day for the interview. Wednesday is the day of the interview. She messaged me at 1am her time and she said she is having stomach cramps (nervous). She said there are so many unknowns, how will we be together, so much time has passed since we last saw each other (8 months) (she mentions that a lot), and she said that sometimes I feel like I can't go out there and then other times I am totally positive I want to. 

 

She scares me sometimes, but I keep telling her how much she loved being here when she was here and how she said she felt like she was "home" for the first time being here, and I told her to remember the good times we had, and that I have given up so much just to be with her to which she replied "me too." How often she tells me she loves me and says she misses me. I told her I don't want you to feel like you NEED to come here, but I do know that my feelings towards you haven't changed regardless of the time, and that I didn't wait 9 months for you to not at least give this a try and if you feel like ti doesn't work for you then that's fine too. I told her but no matter what I'll be by your side and I that I want her to want to be with me. I told her "There are a lot of things I don't know, but I do know that I gave up a lot to prepare for you to be in my life" which which she replied "me too." 

 

So, now that we are getting ever closer to the interview date I imagine this is normal? I can think pessimistically sometimes and I have these thoughts of her changing her mind about coming here, but I can't imagine that after all this time that she wouldn't go through with the interview and at least come her after talking about this and planning for this for so long. I told her that at the end of the day I understand her feelings though and that I just want you to know that I love you. 

 

And that was that for tonight. 

Hopefully it is just nerves and it will be better once she sees you again. I had similar feelings as the bolded part a few times during the process even though we were able to see each other. Why if the feelings have changed etc. Mostly about the fact that I wasn't missing him as much as I had in the beginning, but I think that was mostly because I realized this was my chance to spend as much time as possible with my family in my home country. 

 

Like the poster above me mentioned, you guys have 90 days to marry so spend time reconnecting before deciding to go ahead with the wedding or not. Otherwise she can always return home.