Has anyone's fiance' had a last-minute change of heart scare?

[ronniebreda 120]

I think if someone had no fears or worries about leaving everything they know behind when moving to a brand new culture with lots of hurdles ahead of them then that would be worrying. This is not an easy process and even though you will be together, there will be challenges in the near future. Let her feel those emotions and be supportive and reassuring, yet give her breathing room. Communication is so important. Share each of your fears, goals, and happy points. Try to remind each other why you started this process and the life you want together. Also, I think some thing couples counseling is a bad thing or shows weakness, but it was one of the best things my husband and I did after he moved here. We learned the correct ways to communicate and share our feelings while we were both adjusting to this new life. We had a strong relationship, but it helped us make it stronger. It also helped us to make lists of what needs to be done now, so that we don't get lost in the big picture of everything that needs to be done. It can be overwhelming. 

 

That is just a slew of things that I wish someone had told me when we were going through the K1 and AOS process. Good luck on your journey! 

[x_driven_x 1,778]

4 hours ago, zamardii12 said:

Sorry if this is in the wrong place, but it's relevant. 

 

So, we are now in the final stages of schedule medical and the interview and my fiance just was crying and talking about how scared she is. She said she felt unsure about everything and scared that we rushed things, she would feel more confident if we lived together longer beforehand, or whatever... and I am here reading what she's typing and my heart stops because i'm thinking to myself "we've been waiting for 8 months for this moment and NOW you're telling me this?"

 

So anyway, we talked and she said "You always know how to calm me down." Everything seems fine now, but has anyone gone through this? I am afraid this is some deeper thing. Has anyone gone through this and did it come back or have to address it again later? 

I had a close friend whose fiance got severely anxious as the last few steps came as well... He just had to keep her calm and be supportive through the process. They've been in the US now almost 3 weeks and all is good.

It's normal as they start to realize that wow it's getting real... just be supportive and by their side, so to speak.

[old-fella 109]

being scared and getting cold feet is not new or unusual. She is leaving everything she knew, her home, her friends, her family and career to start from ZERO at a totally new country with a different culture and language, which she is not well versed.  If you were the one doing that, you would be scared too. I know the feeling. 

 

All you can do is ease her and make her feel safe and secured. Remind her that you will be there with her and assure her (not only words but with action too). I came in July 2017, a secured fab job in my field, have amazing in-laws, my wife loves me dearly and so do I, but at times, I feel lonely and I get scared.  But every time, i feel that way i speak out my heart to my wifey and she calms me and makes me smile. 

[fip & jim 452]

Ask yourself about any major life decision you've made. You question it all. Is it right for me? Right for those I love? What will I gain? What will I lose?

 

With this particular situation there are enormous decisions your beloved has to decide. Only they can decide because they are sacrificing, not you. They are moving away from everything and everyone they have ever known. Their identity is wrapped up in their community, their environment, their sense of self and worth. Think about that. What makes you you? What would you be willing to sacrifice to be with someone?

 

It is correct and normal to question our abilities. From that place we make informed decisions. Embrace this, however it makes you feel. Better to examine now than to make an uninformed commitment. 

 

[AshMarty 359]

Its great that she knows it is a big adjustment. 

 

The adjustment with immigration is tough. My husband lived in the US for 6 years before he moved back but he was so restricted by the immigration process for the first 6 months on what he could do and could not do. Not working and just sitting at home waiting for paperwork is hard on your spouse, especially for someone that had such an established life in their home country. I could tell my husband was getting antsy towards the end of the waiting process but making plans to fill this time will help.

 

Building relationships with other couples so she feels like she can have some friends to hang out with. We planned a lot of game nights with friends (it was winter during his AOS transition) and just finding ways to stay busy on one income. Technology is great and really helps you not feel too far away from friends/family and a family visit is only a plane ride away (once you have your AP/EAD card). 

 

The one thing you can't do though it force someone to give it all up and move here, its a large sacrife. Hopefully you guys figure it out. 

 

 

Edited June 11, 2018 by AshMarty

[Sanjana dogra 111]

8 hours ago, zamardii12 said:

There is no question how we feel about each other. That is very clear. Her concern is that we haven't lived with each other yet, and that the time apart has been a lot and maybe she has changed, and afraid that we went too fast. I honestly don't feel that way and I think it's just her fears overclouding her judgement, because after I talked to her about it she seemed fine. 

While agreeing to be with you in future did she not thought this through? Was she living in a dream world that will file the petition and see what happens in future. I have seen people on forums dying to reunite with thier love including me. Im sure you guys might have met in person couple of times spent time togther. Marriage it not a trial thing that lets try first waste each others time them decide. You guys are in love she shouldn't feel this way to begin with. Having mixed feeling and panic is one thing. Losing the whole vibe is another. Imagine how she gonna persue the interview when she's in this state of mind right now. My blood is boiling after reading this. Im counting every single second to be with him. How can someone feel this way when you in love. Sorry if i said something wrong 

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

Well, I'm the American, and I definitely had some hesitation.  At the time we were planning on living together in Denmark and I had just moved there.  I kept putting off getting married and just sucked it up and did it because I felt as though that was what fate had in store for me.

 

There was no grand fairy tale, no "dying to be with my love", or anything romantic about it.

 

It wasn't a happy day per se, I pretty sure I was shaking and almost threw up beforehand.  I was happier afterwards.

 

#reallife

 

We'll be married for 6 years in a few months and have some kids.  It is naive to think that everything goes like it does in a romance novel.  Real people have a wide range of reactions to life events and changes.

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

5 minutes ago, Sanjana dogra said:

While agreeing to be with you in future did she not thought this through? Was she living in a dream world that will file the petition and see what happens in future. I have seen people on forums dying to reunite with thier love including me. Im sure you guys might have met in person couple of times spent time togther. Marriage it not a trial thing that lets try first waste each others time them decide. You guys are in love she shouldn't feel this way to begin with. Having mixed feeling and panic is one thing. Losing the whole vibe is another. Imagine how she gonna persue the interview when she's in this state of mind right now. My blood is boiling after reading this. Im counting every single second to be with him. How can someone feel this way when you in love. Sorry if i said something wrong 

 

It must be interesting to be so closed-minded and not be able to put yourself in other people's shoes.  Do you truly believe everyone experiences love the same way?

[Sanjana dogra 111]

1 minute ago, N-o-l-a said:

 

It must be interesting to be so closed-minded and not be able to put yourself in other people's shoes.  Do you truly believe everyone experiences love the same way?

What i feel is when someone take sucha  big decision, life altering, one does give a deep thought. Its not that someone strange is calling her to spend rest of her life with him. Why painc now and make it more complicating. I feel sorry for this guy. Discussing about relationship is one thing.. Saying we took a wrong decison at last point is backing off and clearly a huge thing. 

[zamardii12 25]

1 hour ago, Sanjana dogra said:

What i feel is when someone take sucha  big decision, life altering, one does give a deep thought. Its not that someone strange is calling her to spend rest of her life with him. Why painc now and make it more complicating. I feel sorry for this guy. Discussing about relationship is one thing.. Saying we took a wrong decison at last point is backing off and clearly a huge thing. 

That's not entirely what's going on here. When we talked on the phone today, she made it clear to me that her feelings towards me haven't changed, but her life as she knows it, her parents, her friends, and everything she is familiar with she is leaving behind. She also mentioned that there are feelings and things that she can't explain going through her right now. She had a moment where she got scared and that's a completely normal reaction in my opinion. We have talked since then and everything is fine and she thanked me and said I always know what to say to calm her down. I am sure it won't be the last time, but she can back out at any moment. I'm not making her come here, but we can at least talk about our feelings no matter how inconvenient it may be. I think a big factor too is that we haven't seen each other in 8 months. That's a long time to be apart, and then suddenly we'll be together day and night once she gets here on top of all the other stuff. 

 

It's not as simple as you make it out to be. Leaving everything you know behind along with the stress of the interview and the shots she needs to have done before her medical (she hates needles) compounds this stuff. 

Edited June 12, 2018 by zamardii12

[Ash.1101 1,755]

Note:

Just because you haven't panicked yet or aren't panicking doesn't mean it's wrong for others to do so.


My husbands Canadian, we saw each other like every two-three months, he'd spend anywhere from 3 days to a week at the house. We tried to treat the last few visits more as living there. No going out to the beach, no romantic dinners. Just being at home together with my daughter and living like a family.

After the visa was approved, I could totally tell he was nervous. It wasn't that he didn't want to come, it's that he was leaving everything he knew. He stalled on buying plane tickets. Never straight out told me, but I knew. He grew up in a small town, he basically lived with his parents his whole life outside of 3 years in college, and now he's moving to go be with the person he wants to marry and be a family. We had dated for about 2 and a half years at that point, known each other for 6 years.

Once he was here and moved in he calmed down after a day or so. He's since gone back to Canada for his grandmothers memorial and I can tell you he was as happy as can be once he got back because he would rather be here than there. 
So as a comparison, you have him scared and nervous coming in for the first time into the country to live with his fiance and get married. The second time after being married for over 2 years, he comes back and it's a like a "oh my god, I am soooo glad I'm home, let's crash on the sofa".

This isn't a  little change,  it's not even a regular sized life choice. That is a HUGE life choice. Even regular sized life  choices can shake people up. Quitting a job, moving to a new city, having a baby.
Some people never leave their job because they're too scared they won't get another one. They stay unhappy in a job because of fear. A job is soooo much less than uprooting your life to be with your loved one.

I'm a USC and I can tell you I'd be terrified, and I'm not even close to my family and I don't have friend outside of work. Other than my sister, I have nothing that ties me down here, but I would still be scared to leave what is familiar to me.

You can 100% be scared of leaving those you love, family you've been around your whole life, friends, etc and also want to be with your fiance/spouse/whatever while feeling all of this.

 

Edited June 12, 2018 by Ash.1101

[Nitas_man 3,100]

We were already married LOL and my wife still went through that stage.  She delayed a few weeks after visa to say goodbye's, etc.

 

It's hard to leave everything behind for the unknown.  Just remember that when she arrives there will be a transition time while she gets adjusted - one of the most common issues I see on here and indeed applied to us was a new immigrant feels isolated and lonely for awhile - in a completely unknown environment without a lot of freedom of movement at first while the spouse is going to work etc is a tough place to be.

 

Some things that work:  Get her out - introduce her to your friends and family and incorporate her into your day to day life.  Most important:  Make sure she can always contact her friends and family back home anytime she needs to.   Get her on the road and mobile ASAP - it makes a huge difference.  If possible - leave work and take her on lunch dates, or come home and have lunch with her.  And most of all, check in with her through the day as much as possible - you're all she has.

 

What you are experiencing isn't about you at all nor is it cold feet.  It's perfectly normal.  Good luck!

[Sanjana dogra 111]

2 hours ago, zamardii12 said:

That's not entirely what's going on here. When we talked on the phone today, she made it clear to me that her feelings towards me haven't changed, but her life as she knows it, her parents, her friends, and everything she is familiar with she is leaving behind. She also mentioned that there are feelings and things that she can't explain going through her right now. She had a moment where she got scared and that's a completely 

2 hours ago, zamardii12 said:

That's not entirely what's going on here. When we talked on the phone today, she made it clear to me that her feelings towards me haven't changed, but her life as she knows it, her parents, her friends, and everything she is familiar with she is leaving behind. She also mentioned that there are feelings and things that she can't explain going through her right now. She had a moment where she got scared and that's a completely normal reaction in my opinion. We have talked since then and everything is fine and she thanked me and said I always know what to say to calm her down. I am sure it won't be the last time, but she can back out at any moment. I'm not making her come here, but we can at least talk about our feelings no matter how inconvenient it may be. I think a big factor too is that we haven't seen each other in 8 months. That's a long time to be apart, and then suddenly we'll be together day and night once she gets here on top of all the other stuff. 

 

It's not as simple as you make it out to be. Leaving everything you know behind along with the stress of the interview and the shots she needs to have done before her medical (she hates needles) compounds this stuff. 

Perfect you guys sorted it. Its just that i hate seeing a someone in love coming so far and thinking bout giving up in the end. Bless you both with a lovely future ahead. Im gonna be bummed to leaving my family behind as im the only child. But guess thats what im doing right now in this waiting period preparing them and myself so that later on i wont panic and make my man worry about all this. Again everyone is different. Good luck you both

 

[Laura & Chris 104]

Same thing happened to me. Leaving my family and moving away from them to a place I hardly know.. its taken some time..! Still he catches me in the shower crying or just in bed. Its a big adjustment thats for sure. Lots of patience and love!

[Christy&J 837]

5 hours ago, zamardii12 said:

That's not entirely what's going on here. When we talked on the phone today, she made it clear to me that her feelings towards me haven't changed, but her life as she knows it, her parents, her friends, and everything she is familiar with she is leaving behind. She also mentioned that there are feelings and things that she can't explain going through her right now. She had a moment where she got scared and that's a completely normal reaction in my opinion. We have talked since then and everything is fine and she thanked me and said I always know what to say to calm her down. I am sure it won't be the last time, but she can back out at any moment. I'm not making her come here, but we can at least talk about our feelings no matter how inconvenient it may be. I think a big factor too is that we haven't seen each other in 8 months. That's a long time to be apart, and then suddenly we'll be together day and night once she gets here on top of all the other stuff. 

 

It's not as simple as you make it out to be. Leaving everything you know behind along with the stress of the interview and the shots she needs to have done before her medical (she hates needles) compounds this stuff. 

believe me I am ( was) in the same situation like your fiancé. before we got NOA2 I had the phase where I told J to just withdraw the petition and we will wait until the time for him to go back to Germany.

this is not the 1st time for me to move across country, but the older you get the harder it is. when I was 18 I had nothing to loose, it was so easy to move across pacific no burden. Now ! I have more things to concern, I've stick my " root " in the ground, I've built environment that comfort me. I have my comfort zone !

 

I have my break down when I can't sleep, I would be so sad when I am with my friends as I will leave them... BUT ! it's normal.... I am sure your fiancé having this phase too...the closer it is the more things will be going on her head.

 

this is what J tries to arrange so I won't get " bored " when I am there, he bought me car ( give me little independence ) he signed me up to fitness and yoga class for ladies so I would have new friends... activities... maybe try to arrange some activities or routine for her so when she is there she wont be lonely or bored ?

I saw yours is from Hungary, I know someone who is doing this process together with me from Hungary too...if you want you can message me and I can give your her contact details, so when your fiancé needs to talk with someone who speaks her language to make little home feeling...she can talk to my friends

 

all the best for you.