annulment/divorce questions

[Barbsco630 1]

So I really regret posting this but things have been rough. I've googled so much that my fingers hurt and I'm just not finding the answers I need. My Fiancé came over 4 months ago. Because of doubts, we waited to get married until a few days before (he had the doubts). So we finally got married and everything was good. This was 4 weeks ago. It was probably a stupid decision on both our parts because we had some major issues to work out, but with the little time, we went through with it. So we are married now and he's feeling nothing but sorry for himself. I like to consider myself open minded and able to see things from his perspective. He has left his Country to come here, his job and his friends. But I didn't realize how big of a drinking problem he had, or I was really blind to it and pretended it wouldn't be an issue. I am also thinking that maybe he wasn't the most honest with me while at home. Well, now it has been an issue. I have come to the conclusion that no matter what we do things will need to end and he needs to go back home. I have asked him to go to counseling. He agrees and then when its time to go he doesn't want to and its just me going.

 

So he's been remodeling the bathroom (this was a great project to keep him Very busy at home). I messaged and asked if things were okay yesterday and his response was, He hates it here. He left a good life to come here and have a crappy one. He has not gained anything from being here either. He is not nice about it, he expresses no love for me, just that his life sucks. He dosnt directly blame me but I feel as if he does blame it on me. Hearing this is just so hurtful and I cant help but take great offense to it. I even get angry because before he came here I worked so hard to try to plan a wedding. He said we can plan it when he gets here. Once he was here he just kept making excuses so I gave up planning anything. I never realized you could apply for work authorization and travel without AOS. I have done the entire visa, all the paperwork..and after he came I just didn't feel motivated to pay much attention to it (which I wish I would have). But I just feel like he blames me for him not being independent. I took off work to take him to get his social security card the first week he was here and he made excuses and didn't want to go. I just figured we'd wait until after we got married. come to find out you cant do that. So I guess I havnt been the most educated on all the processes, but it also doesn't help when you're doing all this stuff for a very unmotivated person. I also don't really think he appreciates it and he will never go out of his way to research anything. So I could work a 10 hours shift, come home and then he complains about wanting to visit home. Then I'm up researching, printing off paperwork, filing things out. Its really discouraging because he will spend most of his day playing on the playstation or his phone. I tried to get him a membership at a gym to go swimming and he said he didn't want to go. I give him my car if he ever needs it. Its like he came here with a mindset that things would be terrible for him or something. 

 

Anyways so he uses the guilt trip and makes me feel like his life in not as good as it was back at home. He points out that he dosnt come from a 3rd world country and his life was "good". I try to remind him that he didn't come here to have the perfect American life. I am not some billionaire where we can go on amazing vacations every month. I just finished my degree and started an amazing career..it will take a while to save up. I think that we both should also be responsible for our happiness. I mean I'm not going to sit here crying about how I have to go to work everyday and my life sucks, mainly because I am with him, the man I worked so hard to be with! I also pointed out that he shouldn't have come here to have some lavish amazing life. Its bound to be difficult at first. Its not going to be a ball of sunshine because he was comfortable at home. Its like he guilt trips me for leaving his home and coming here and I havn't given him some great happiness? but this is a man that doesn't give me much security because he constantly threatens to go back home, has even left several times and not come home. Its crazy I think. 

 

So enough about the drama in my relationship..maybe I am a terrible person and I should be bending over backwards to make him happy, but what about my own? I cry over our hard times while he just acts like he dosnt care. Then my responses are not the best and he uses that as ammunition. So today, I asked him if he's going to talk to me and figure things out. He said he needs to fly back home. That if he did stay then maybe he could get alimony or else he could also use me as his sponsor.

 

Now we never filed for AOS. Things have been, I THOUGHT, pretty good sense we got married. No arguments and spending quality time together. But we didn't file AOS because its expensive and he needed to see the medical doctor here. I left my previous employer and started another job and wont be able to get insurance until October. Money has been tight because I was getting called off work with my previous job so I had to dip into my savings. So we both decided we would wait a month or two, then file. But I am pretty sure I am not financially responsible for him until AOS..correct?

 

Also the divorce/annulment. I've never been married and it sucks this one lasted a month! But what is the best option for me? I have researched annulment and I promise I am being 100% honest, we have not had sex well before we were married. I think its the weirdest thing and there's really more to it but I'll just leave it at that. But then it says that you have to prove it. um..like how? Even if I do go to court for the annulment is he required to be there? If he goes back then that might be a little difficult. A huge part of me knew I shouldn't marry him and it was because he acted like marriage was no big deal. His mindset was very negative about it. I mean I still don't have a ring and probably never will get one, and it is (or used to) be something that was important to me. So now I feel like I have this attitude where marriage does not mean anything and you can just get a divorce. The real me would put everything I have into keeping it work..but he will just pack up his bags and walk out. Its really strange to me. 

 

then I thought I could just let it go and never divorce him because of the paperwork and money but I am guessing that's not a good idea either? I just want to forget this relationship ever existed. I just started my career and make good money though. Don't want it to bite me later on. 

 

I really think he's an amazing guy. I really love him. People love him too. He's got a great personality. I know this sounds strange but I really think he's got some heavy narcissism qualities. He was much different in our first year of being together. I am 30 and I want to settle down, buy a home, have kids..but all he can think of is when he has time to go to the bar again to talk to his friends. Which is fine, do that but its getting old really quick and I think he's got a problem. I have spoken to him about this. And the weird thing is, is he agrees and will tell me he wants to quit. But it just never happens. 

 

any tips, ideas, information, guidance, encouragement, criticism would be appreciated. thanks

[LionessDeon 2,060]

It's all about mind frame and attitude.  He doesn't sound like he has much a positive attitude.  I don't know why he's constantly down all the time.  I can understand missing home.  My husband does I know, but he is so positive, uplifting, and happy....well he always was in JA too though.  

The real question is does he love you and want to stay??  From what you described it doesn't sound like he has any interest in staying.  Have you talked about love, relationship, and continuing the marriage??  What does he want.  

I would let him go home and let that be the end of it.  File for an annulment or divorce.  A lawyers advise on that would be way better than mine.

 

Good Luck

[Coco8 1,039]

Get some advice from a lawyer and make him sign papers before he leaves. 

[Barbsco630 1]

7 minutes ago, Coco8 said:

Get some advice from a lawyer and make him sign papers before he leaves. 

papers? well that might be difficult because he's impulsive and gets in his moods. I'm sure he'll be out by tonight. 

 

and yes he has a very negative attitude about most things. Makes a relationship hard and gives me that kind of mindset as well. 

[Coco8 1,039]

Just now, Barbsco630 said:

papers? well that might be difficult because he's impulsive and gets in his moods. I'm sure he'll be out by tonight. 

 

and yes he has a very negative attitude about most things. Makes a relationship hard and gives me that kind of mindset as well. 

 By papers I mean, sign a divorce. You don't want him to leave the country and not sign anything, because that could eventually be a problem for you if you decide to get married again or something.

 

To go for annulment, I am not sure how it works. It might vary by state and I don't think it matters whether you had sex or not. I think that is something from the middle ages. 

[Mollie09 1,543]

2 minutes ago, Coco8 said:

 By papers I mean, sign a divorce. You don't want him to leave the country and not sign anything, because that could eventually be a problem for you if you decide to get married again or something.

 

To go for annulment, I am not sure how it works. It might vary by state and I don't think it matters whether you had sex or not. I think that is something from the middle ages. 

Annulment is usually for fraud, bigamy, underage marriages, mental illness, etc.

Hard to get one for a regular marriage that ended quickly.

[Barbsco630 1]

2 minutes ago, Coco8 said:

 By papers I mean, sign a divorce. You don't want him to leave the country and not sign anything, because that could eventually be a problem for you if you decide to get married again or something.

 

To go for annulment, I am not sure how it works. It might vary by state and I don't think it matters whether you had sex or not. I think that is something from the middle ages. 

okay I will have him sign something then. From what I have read it does matter. I think I am just worried about the whole threatening to try to get money out of me. I have always spent a lot of money on our relationship so its frustrating that he would want to try to get more out of me. especially after not really putting much effort into things.

[Coco8 1,039]

Just now, Barbsco630 said:

okay I will have him sign something then. From what I have read it does matter. I think I am just worried about the whole threatening to try to get money out of me. I have always spent a lot of money on our relationship so its frustrating that he would want to try to get more out of me. especially after not really putting much effort into things.

Any assets you had before entering the marriage are off limits. It mostly matters what you earned during the marriage and in 4 weeks that is basically nothing.

[Barbsco630 1]

1 minute ago, Mollie09 said:

Annulment is usually for fraud, bigamy, underage marriages, mental illness, etc.

Hard to get one for a regular marriage that ended quickly.

from what I have read an annulment treats a marriage like it never existed. Who wants to put that they are divorced on future papers because of some 1 month marriage? I suppose I did marry him though and that's my consequences as a result of. 

[Mollie09 1,543]

5 minutes ago, Barbsco630 said:

from what I have read an annulment treats a marriage like it never existed. Who wants to put that they are divorced on future papers because of some 1 month marriage? I suppose I did marry him though and that's my consequences as a result of. 

 

Yes, but you have no reason for that marriage never to have existed. Annulment does that because the marriage should have never been valid in the first place, yours was. 1 week or 1 year, it was a valid marriage and you need a divorce.

For immigration purposes it makes no difference anyways.

[Russ&Caro 1,548]

From what I've read on the topic, annulments are difficult and painstaking to get. They seem to take longer than a normal divorce. You won't owe him any alimony in a divorce from a marriage that is this short.

 

Good luck in whatever you choose to do. Many in this forum advise to divorce and move on in this situation and I might advise this as well except your description of him and your love for him seems to indicate that you really want this to work out, if possible.

 

From personal experience I know that the first few months of someone coming to the US and trying to adapt is very very difficult. Even though I had been romantically involved with my wife for 10 years before she immigrated here, it still didn't prepare me for her extreme unhappiness in her first 6 months here. Like your husband, she mentioned that she wanted to go home, many times. I wasn't stopping her from returning home but instead she stayed and eventually and gradually she adjusted to the US and our marriage. You might continue to press for marriage counseling. If you really want to draw a line in the sand, that might be a good one. Have him commit to counseling or divorce.

[Suss&Camm 2,213]

My first 6 months here were terrible.... I also said a lot that I want to go home and I hate it here... I miss home and I cried a lot...

If we hadn't filed for AOS I don't know what state I'd be in.. being independent, working, having a car (here in Texas at least)  are SO IMPORTANT to a persons well-being. Doing nothing all day and being lonely etc. can be really tough even on the strongest. 

I don't understand how little time you are giving it before calling it quits. You haven't had ONE normal day together since he doesn't even have his green card. Then again, I'm not there to see what goes on every day. I just know the enormous patience and kindness and care my husband showed me when I was being totally unreasonable. Couldn't have made it without him.

[Barbsco630 1]

30 minutes ago, Suss&Camm said:

My first 6 months here were terrible.... I also said a lot that I want to go home and I hate it here... I miss home and I cried a lot...

If we hadn't filed for AOS I don't know what state I'd be in.. being independent, working, having a car (here in Texas at least)  are SO IMPORTANT to a persons well-being. Doing nothing all day and being lonely etc. can be really tough even on the strongest. 

I don't understand how little time you are giving it before calling it quits. You haven't had ONE normal day together since he doesn't even have his green card. Then again, I'm not there to see what goes on every day. I just know the enormous patience and kindness and care my husband showed me when I was being totally unreasonable. Couldn't have made it without him.

why was it so terrible? because you missed home? I really regret not pushing the marriage sooner. I feel like I just kind of went along with what he wanted at the time. Hes got some issue with women controlling him..I find it a bit childish and it clearly hurts our relationship. Wanting to get married so he can be more independent isn't really controlling. Now I do get a good bonus for work and I thought we could get his medical and just send the AOS..but then apart of me is terrified. This is a guy that has shown me very little commitment. I will be financially responsible for him after that. Another thing is he makes a ton of friends at the bars. which is really great for him. but he will get into moods, we argue and then he stays out all night. I guess apart of is worried he will just leave after that. I have already dished out a lot of money and time on this relationship. I just find it very exhausting. I can understand he misses home but to be disrespectful to me and to not think about my feelings at all is selfish. There are so many other ways to tell someone you love that they miss home without making them feel responsible for everything and like they don't matter. 

 

I also kind of just want to let him go back. Maybe we need a good break and if for some reason we are both miserable without each other then maybe a marriage visa someday. 

Edited August 24, 2017 by Barbsco630

[Ontarkie 13,904]

He's made it clear you are not a priority. Let him leave do not file for AOS. Talk to a lawyer you never consummated the marriage and he seems to have kept a drinking problem from you. If this man was in love with you he would want to be intimate with his wife. I understand not before marriage but after getting married, he should have been sweeping you off you feet and carrying you to bed. (ok ya a bit exaggerated but you get the idea)

 

Now to point out a few things from your post. Yes you can apply for EAD before AOS, but here's the thing. It takes forever and a day to come in and expires the same time his 90 days are up. 

He's being emotionally abusive and manipulative. 

At this point you are not financially responsible for him.

Don't worry about him leaving before you start divorce preceding. It's really not that big of a deal to have him served if you know his where about. If you don't the courts can tell you how to do it by publication. Him leaving without a fight is better then getting him to sign papers. 

[mallafri76 1,012]

Let me start by saying that I immigrated to the US 17 months ago, so I know how it feels like to move away from home, family and friends. With that said, your husband sounds like a big cry baby. Also sounds like you didn't do your research properly, as a spousal visa probably would have been the best route for you, as then he could have worked and travelled the second he set foot in America.

 

If the two of you are ready to give up on your marriage, then divorce and move on. Forget annulment, it's extremely hard to get. You're an adult, you made a wrong decision and now you have to pay the consequences by having a divorce "in your baggage". That's life.