5 Things My Ex-Husband Could Have Done To Save Our Marriage

[Janelle2002 3,865]

Thanks

Now now, some people are just private about their suffering. It's just too much to talk about in an open forum. He'll come around one day...

It's not like we know who he is. He can discuss without our judgment. Guess it's his buddies who do know who he is worries him.

Boiler you can pm us if you want.

[Russ&Caro 1,548]

I'm surprised there is no mention of marriage counseling. Did the couple referred to in the piece even try to fix their marriage?

[We Keep Receipts 9,238]

I'm surprised there is no mention of marriage counseling. Did the couple referred to in the piece even try to fix their marriage?

The only way you can fight for a relationship is for that person to be in your corner. It looks like neither one of them were really trying to make it work, only going through the motions.

[NikLR 13,220]

Counselling doesnt always work either. Hubs tried with his ex wife but she'd made up her mind about how she wanted him to be. He had tried but it wasnt him. Just incompatible people who didnt know each other well enough but thought they did.

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

I agree with what is being said here. Folks have forgotten how to treat each other in terms of a loving relationship. Instead of the "honeymoon" phase, that should be every day. My wife and I look at each like it's the first time when we get off work. When we're apart for longer than 20 min, we miss each other. Being there for each other is what makes it stronger, not being apart.

I'm not sure that I agree that missing each other after 20 minutes is healthy. For me, that would be more like an infatuation with the other person, rather than a long term stable relationship. I miss my husband when we are apart for the big things - if he has to work when there is a parent teacher conference or for my dad's funeral, for example. We are comfortable enough with ourselves and at stable enough points in our adulthoods when we married that being apart is just fine too. Although, in retrospect, I remember feeling panicked at the thought of living apart from him when we were first married.

I say that with the disclaimer that I know everyone and every relationship is different. My husband and I have always had a very matter of fact relationship that I sometimes jokingly refer to as a "business deal". As long as we both hold up our ends of the bargain, we are both happy. I think sometimes that people who marry for this overwhelming love that they are experiencing at that moment have trouble when it becomes a calm partnership or when the person that they "loved" doesn't magically conform to their ideal image that they never discussed beforehand or had no hopes of ever becoming. Rather than having to refresh a honeymoon phase all the time, I am more comfortable with never having one in the first place, but I understand that other people are romantics.

As for the sex, it's really simple. Men think porn is the standard bearer when it comes to pleasing their women. It's not. Instead of watching that, try reading a book about the woman's body and what's pleasing to her touch. Better yet, ask her. You'd be surprised at how many folks don't communicate with their spouse in terms of pleasure. SO much could be eliminated if they just talked about it. Women shouldn't suffer in silence. If he's not doing what pleases you, TELL HIM! There are ways to fix this without getting divorced or having an affair.

I don't know where these men come from that get all their ideas from porn, but they would probably suck just as bad as lovers in the 1700s as they do now. Either a person is interested in giving someone else pleasure or they aren't. Perhaps this is an argument in favor of test driving the person before marriage.

Edited June 14, 2016 by N-o-l-a

[Janelle2002 3,865]

I'm surprised there is no mention of marriage counseling. Did the couple referred to in the piece even try to fix their marriage?

I didn't see mention of it in the article, unless I missed it. I remember when my ex and I attempted to go to my mother's pastor for counseling. It was so bad by the time we made it to his front door we were having a holy curse down match. lol. Such foolery. At the front door of one of the most holiest men I knew using every bad word in the dictionary, I'm surprised we didn't get struck down by lightening.

It is really hard for people to tell when their marriage is actually work fighting for and when it isn't. Sometimes simple disagreements can be worked out with more communication. However, my ex was a functioning alcoholic, who didn't believe he was an alcoholic, even when he spent 1000 on alcohol on a cruise we went on once. That's when I said enough was enough. Also sometimes you need family support, and there was none. His side of the family told him nothing was wrong with him and that he was fine. Regardless of his DUI and being fired from the Fire Department.

[NikLR 13,220]

I agree with Nola. You need to be able to function without the other person there. Not doing so is being in a co-dependent relationship, which isn't healthy either. That's why I specifically have stated several times you are more than just a spouse, more than lover, more than a friend, more than a parent; you are an individual person with individual needs that YOU and ONLY YOU can and should fulfill. Self-esteem needs to come from within. Confidence in yourself and your abilities need to come from within yourself, not from the praise of another.

Two individuals who are confident and capable, and are compatible will have a nice healthy relationship. Throw in love and you have a marriage that can last the ages.

[Janelle2002 3,865]

I'm not sure that I agree that missing each other after 20 minutes is healthy. For me, that would be more like an infatuation with the other person, rather than a long term stable relationship. I miss my husband when we are apart for the big things - if he has to work when there is a parent teacher conference or for my dad's funeral, for example. We are comfortable enough with ourselves and at stable enough points in our adulthoods when we married that being apart is just fine too. Although, in retrospect, I remember feeling panicked at the thought of living apart from him when we were first married.

I say that with the disclaimer that I know everyone and every relationship is different. My husband and I have always had a very matter of fact relationship that I sometimes jokingly refer to as a "business deal". As long as we both hold up our ends of the bargain, we are both happy. I think sometimes that people who marry for this overwhelming love that they are experiencing at that moment have trouble when it becomes a calm partnership or when the person that they "loved" doesn't magically conform to their ideal image that they never discussed beforehand or had no hopes of ever becoming. Rather than having to refresh a honeymoon phase all the time, I am more comfortable with never having one in the first place, but I understand that other people are romantics.

I don't know where these men come from that get all their ideas from porn, but they would probably suck just as bad as lovers in the 1700s as they do now. Either a person is interested in giving someone else pleasure or they aren't. Perhaps this is an argument in favor of test driving the person before marriage.

I agree with Nola. You need to be able to function without the other person there. Not doing so is being in a co-dependent relationship, which isn't healthy either. That's why I specifically have stated several times you are more than just a spouse, more than lover, more than a friend, more than a parent; you are an individual person with individual needs that YOU and ONLY YOU can and should fulfill. Self-esteem needs to come from within. Confidence in yourself and your abilities need to come from within yourself, not from the praise of another.

Two individuals who are confident and capable, and are compatible will have a nice healthy relationship. Throw in love and you have a marriage that can last the ages.

Somewhat agree and somewhat disagree. You should miss each other. And this is just our relationship. We're happy to run home to see each other, even when we're having a disagreement with each other.

It's great to get confidence from your spouse, but having confidence and knowing your worth is something to should have prior to dating or marriage. I know we can give each other a little boost, but the foundation should be there.

We have the same hobbies so it's easy for us to be around each other and not feel overwhelmed. Bad day at work, let's kill some zombies on call of Duty and kick some butt online call of duty. Diablo III, or let's irritate some VJ people. Want to clear our minds we walk the canal. Don't have to talk to each other very much, just enjoy the presence and the view of watching people around us.

This is going to sound crazy but the healthiest relationship I'd ever seen was from a couple in their 70s who'd been married over 50 years. I asked how'd they accomplish this. They said they were best friends and lovers. When she's mad at him she thinks of him as he best friend. We've all had that friend we've argued with and made up with yes? And when she's not angry he's the love of her life she can't do without. They'd been apart 1 time in their life, 6 months when she went to Japan on a special program as an English teacher. They did Peace Corp Thailand together, they taught English in Iran and their first born was born in Iran. They even worked together, took their lunches together and retired together. She was my boss and that's how I met them.

So it depends on the individuals and what they want in a relationship but to me, you have to miss your spouse just a little to keep the anticipation going

[NikLR 13,220]

I agree you need to miss your spouse, but I disagree about 20 minutes. I love spending time with my husband. He's my best friend. But I don't miss him until he's gone for a night at least.

[Janelle2002 3,865]

I agree you need to miss your spouse, but I disagree about 20 minutes. I love spending time with my husband. He's my best friend. But I don't miss him until he's gone for a night at least.

He's leaving next week for some training. I'm not going to know what to do with myself.

I need a support group!!! Sniff sniff!

[NikLR 13,220]

He's leaving next week for some training. I'm not going to know what to do with myself.

I need a support group!!! Sniff sniff!

Oh I know how ya feel! I try to keep busy. We skype while hubs is training, and play lots of games. You guys are like us where you play video games together.

speaking of which... i'm off to play overwatch with hubs.

[We Keep Receipts 9,238]

Oh I know how ya feel! I try to keep busy. We skype while hubs is training, and play lots of games. You guys are like us where you play video games together.

speaking of which... i'm off to play overwatch with hubs.

Which system? We just picked it up for the PS4.

[NikLR 13,220]

PC. I play all my games on PC with the exception of very few that aren't available... like pokemon.