5 Things My Ex-Husband Could Have Done To Save Our Marriage

[NikLR 13,220]

Still leaves it that, no matter how you look at it, divorce is easy in the USA. Marriage can be just as easy. In Colorado you can marry yourselves at the DMV for example.

Even in most provinces in Canada it's way more complicated and expensive. My mother decided not to legally marry this last time because of 3 divorces, each which were extraordinarily expensive. I had a friend who was trying to divorce her ex for YEARS because he didn't want to divorce. 5k and 5 years later, she's still trying to divorce him. And that's just in forms, not counting her lawyer fees. Just to put joint custody in writing for my ex boyfriend and I, would have been over a grand EACH in lawyer fees, plus court costs. We didn't even have to divorce because we weren't married, just common-law. It wasn't worth it to us when we can come to personal agreement.

So when I was driving around OKC and see 100's of signs "$200 divorce!" "$250 divorce!!" well... Maybe it's too easy to just give up on something you think is broken instead of putting the work into fixing it. It's also probably why people aren't as eager to get married anymore either. Less than a year later and they're in debt for some big wedding and they're not even together.

Either way, marriage is a two way street and requires work from both sides. Communication is key. KEY!!!! If you cannot discuss finances, sex, romance, chores, arguments, or children, and come to an agreement that both people are happy with AND keep up that conversation during the length of your marriage, you shouldn't be getting married in the first place. Being in love with someone means you accept them for who they are, AND who they will be because people grow and change. This letter to an ex-husband... well maybe he wanted things from her too? I dislike one sided stories.

Like the wife says "he's looking at porn all the time. It's so horrible. He's ruining our relationship! I cook and clean and watch the kids!" Everyone is omg that's so horrible. But what they don't see is the wife isn't actually attracted to her husband anymore and doesn't want to have sex with him. He's just paying the bills and being the father to her children. But, he's not out cheating on her. He's not expecting her to be a porn star in the bedroom. He's just tired of hearing "not tonight...." So he plays with himself and since men are often visually stimulated, he watches porn. (Or vice versa!)

My husband trusted me to find a home that we'd both like. He barely did any house shopping and put down 2 bids on two different houses (including this one) without even seeing them. I saw them, said he'd like it, and that was all that mattered. We have friends who would never trust each other to do that. Sure it was frustrating to do it all myself, but in hindsight I realize the amount of trust he had in me to find us a home. When I think about things like that, it makes it easier when he doesn't seem interested in some things because I realize he knows I'm intelligent, that I have his best interests at heart, and I can make a good decision for both of us. I depend on him to make decisions for both of us at home too so it certainly goes both ways. But that kind of trust isn't just given, it's earned. It's earned through action and communication. Talking about things, helps BOTH of us, just as it helps EVERY relationship.

[Janelle2002 3,865]

I love what you said about communication being the key and accepting the person for who they are, all of that person.

I hate the story is one sided. I really wish she talked about what she could have done to save the marriage as well. So we are kind of stuck talking about what she claims her husband could have done to help the marriage.

Having kids take 2 pepole so a little help from the husband goes a long way. So assuming she really did want her husband but was just tired from daily chores and the kids, if he'd just chipped in she would have had enough energy to make love to her husband. But for some reason men feel as if helping with the kids or house duties from time to time is uncanny.

You are right it's easier and quicker to some to get a divorce than to fix what's broken.

Did she tell him she didn't like the porn?

Did he tell her he's tired of not having sex and ask how to resolve the problem?

Communication could have fixed this marriage, maybe

[yuna628 9,527]

The relationship is kind of hard to judge without seeing both sides. Me and my husband were raised old fashioned, in that we don't feel porn is necessary in a stable and loving marriage. That's not to bash on those who think it's fine of course, but in some respects, I believe that in a way it is cheating on your spouse with your heart, especially if you are using it without the other spouse's knowledge or approval. Sex is an important aspect of a loving marital relationship, but if a partner is using porn because they are not putting in the effort to get together with their spouse.. it becomes a quick and easy excuse to not repair looming issues. But neither should sex be the be all and end all of a relationship either. Both partners should be putting in ample time to nurture the romance and understanding when either is simply exhausted from their day. If sex ever starts feeling as if it is a burden, then the couple is going to have issues. Those issues probably actually didn't start in the bedroom though, but accumulated from other troubles.

While there are many women out there in the work force or balancing both work and home at the same time, it's in these situations where the man has to be extra attentive in putting in the effort to help out. Likewise, if you are a housewife, a woman shouldn't expect her tired husband to drop everything or badger him to death if something should slip his mind (unless he's totally clueless). I think that's where communication comes in.. letting your husband know your expectations and vice versa. There's still no reason why a guy can't take an initiative as a way of showing appreciation though, by not forgetting to ask if his wife needs help... and for the wife to not simply just 'expect' but to ask too. To show appreciation to my husband I cook him meals (it's a lot of work but the reward is the smile on his face), and he usually always helps out with whatever else I have to do each day.. regardless of if it's the dishes or laundry. Yesterday he decided to do the cooking. I appreciated his efforts and it was nice to have a break.

When kids are involved, there's nothing I can't stand more than a man who shoves all rearing into the mom's lap and then expects and demands she behave exactly as she did before pre-kids. Body issues, hormonal issues, exhaustion... some guys really need to get a clue and pitch in. You helped create this life.. it takes two.

But I guess the biggest thing here is communication. Honesty. Not being afraid to argue with one another. Not being afraid to say you're sorry. Asking and not demanding. Grandpa always said never go to bed angry without talking it out or learning to apologize.

I know someone that has been unhappily married for many years.. and keeps saying how ''love is a joke'' and we're in a ''honeymoon phase''. It's pathetic really. There are some couples that have really forgotten what love is all about.

[NikLR 13,220]

I agree. You see a lot of couples that divorce after their kids are gone. They don't know how to be a couple anymore. They don't know the other person other than as a parent. Once upon a time they loved each other as a person, as a spouse, a partner in life, but somewhere along the way, life took over and people forget who they are when they're not being a parent. You are you. Always take time for you. Everyone is more than just a parent or a spouse. You have to be happy, to make other's happy. So doing something for yourself, while it seems selfish, is a good thing. Men, I think, are much better at taking time out for themselves. I think women resent it sometimes because we feel guilty when we do it. But it's okay to, and it's okay for men to do it too. We don't always need to be joined at the hip to show how much we love each other.

Asking for help is a big one that wives especially seem to have an issue with. At least I always have. My husband is more than willing to help out, if I ask. I don't feel like I should have to ask, but since I'm the one who has the issue with asking, he purposely makes me do it. When I was a kid, I was told not to ask for things, so it's ingrained and hard for me to do it. It does mean I get frustrated when he's not helping without me asking, but it's good for me to learn to ask too.

[We Keep Receipts 9,238]

I agree with what is being said here. Folks have forgotten how to treat each other in terms of a loving relationship. Instead of the "honeymoon" phase, that should be every day. My wife and I look at each like it's the first time when we get off work. When we're apart for longer than 20 min, we miss each other. Being there for each other is what makes it stronger, not being apart.

As for the sex, it's really simple. Men think porn is the standard bearer when it comes to pleasing their women. It's not. Instead of watching that, try reading a book about the woman's body and what's pleasing to her touch. Better yet, ask her. You'd be surprised at how many folks don't communicate with their spouse in terms of pleasure. SO much could be eliminated if they just talked about it. Women shouldn't suffer in silence. If he's not doing what pleases you, TELL HIM! There are ways to fix this without getting divorced or having an affair.

[Boiler 43,396]

Janelle, sorry to hear about your problems.

[We Keep Receipts 9,238]

Janelle, sorry to hear about your problems.

What problems would that be? Cause from where I'm sitting, she is quite happy where she is.

But if you're having issues, by all means, you can tell us, we might be able to help.

[Boiler 43,396]

What problems would that be? Cause from where I'm sitting, she is quite happy where she is.

But if you're having issues, by all means, you can tell us, we might be able to help.

5 Things My Ex-Husband Could Have Done To Save Our Marriage

[Janelle2002 3,865]

5 Things My Ex-Husband Could Have Done To Save Our Marriage

Uhhh did you click the yahoo article?

[Boiler 43,396]

Surprised she would put it on Yahoo.

[Janelle2002 3,865]

Surprised she would put it on Yahoo.

And thank you for being concerned about me.

A lot of people put their relationship issues on yahoo. They are good reads. People think it is so taboo to talk about relationships and relationship issues and it's not. It's very incite full.

Do you disagree with some of the things she felt like could have saved her marriage? If so why?

[Boiler 43,396]

And thank you for being concerned about me.

A lot of people put their relationship issues on yahoo. They are good reads. People think it is so taboo to talk about relationships and relationship issues and it's not. It's very incite full.

Do you disagree with some of the things she felt like could have saved her marriage? If so why?

I am backing you all the way.

[Janelle2002 3,865]

I am backing you all the way.[/quote

You are such a character

[Boiler 43,396]

I am backing you all the way.[/quote

You are such a character

Thanks

[We Keep Receipts 9,238]

I am backing you all the way.[/quote

You are such a character

Now now, some people are just private about their suffering. It's just too much to talk about in an open forum. He'll come around one day...