Visa in hand, but petitioner is unemployed. Please help!

[apple21 953]

How could you let a scumbag who lives thousands of miles away treat you like a doormat?

Geee, pick yourself up, leave him, and live your life happily! You deserve someone better. Love yourself and put yourself first this time.

[AvaAdore 4]

It could have- people handle stress differently. But stress can pop up at anytime. What if you have to go back home to take care of a family member down the road, will he start acting like this again? Even if the distance made him act like this, once you came to the end of the process he should have been excited and start making preparations. You have a decent life where you are. If i were in your shoes, I'd ensure I have money for my return ticket home. Take a 2 week holiday and see how he is in person. See how dedicated he is to finding a job.

I remember when I first came here at 17, my mom told me if I'm searching for a job i need to treat the search like a job. She woke me up at 7am every morning and i wasn't allowed back in the house till 6pm. She would give me money for lunch and a stack of resumes and i could go places and apply all day- i found a job in two days. If he's dedicated he will find something. The fact that he hasn't might mean he's not and his mom is enabling him. That's a recipe for disaster- I've been there and it doesn't end well.

Hello, I thank you, and everyone here ever so much. I am feeling at my worst and you are here for me, lovely people <3

That is a good idea indeed. But I already know he will do as he does now. He sleeps for 12 hours a day, and then he wants to play his games, or watch his movies, or work out. He even told me "when you come here, I'll need my space". Which of course felt like a spear through my heart.

Your mother sounds wonderful and she's spot on. A job search IS a job. And yeah, it doesn't help that he lives with her still and she told him that she'd be here always even if he doesn't work.

[2far 185]

I've read the whole thread and based on everything you have said, I think this guy is not comfortable or too afraid of the real world.

I think he likes to play video games and meet people online. He doesn't want to work, or really do anything outside of the comfortable bedroom at his mother's house.

I think he liked meeting you, getting to know you, having you fall in love with him, talking you into marrying him and having his children. But he doesn't at all seem to like the reality of the situation he created.

I agree that you should not leave France. He has not shown you that you can rely on him. He's even said that you shouldn't come.

You need to distance yourself from him because you deserve better. Let him see the consequences of his own actions.

If he becomes responsible, gets a job, creates a home for you two, and makes your happiness and well-being a priority, then you can reapply for the K1.

But I really wouldn't hold my breath.

You should not be the only one worrying about your future together.

[AvaAdore 4]

I greatly respect your stress over the situation. Far too many would come and increase the burden upon our system. I think you will have no problem finding a job just as easy if not easier than in France. Unfortunately if he hasn't found some kind of job yet I wouldn't rely on it, our market is good right now. On top of that California is crazy expensive to live in. I wouldn't say don't come, because you can always go back. I wouldn't stress about losing your job unless it is a once in a lifetime job. I would continue to tread with caution. It is odd a parent not supporting their child, that to me is the biggest sign of something not wrong. A strong family is important to me, and that doesn't sound like a strong family to me. Good luck in whatever you decide, California is great so at worst you could have a month or two vacation.

Good evening and thanks so much! to be honest, finding ANY job in France proves to be very complex these days. It took me 8 months to find that one, before that I was in other little jobs with exploiting bosses...but this job I have now makes me happy to wake up every day. So I have a LOT to lose here, and he isn't concerned about it to be fair, he doesn't ask any questions about it, he never once asked what I do at work!

Her mother will need him to pay rent because she doesn't have much money herself and she rents a big house for her and all her children. She used to share the bills with a man, who no longer is her husband.

[AvaAdore 4]

You're focused on the wrong "what if". What if you come over here, and you can't apply for AOS in the required 90 days? You know what happens then? You're here illegally in the US which is no joke. Sure, you probably won't get caught but anything can happen. And does happen. Even to French citizens: http://pinerivertimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/DU/20150310/NEWS01/150319959/0/NEWS05/Durango-nurse-facing-deportation&template=printpicart

(If you don't want to read it: French citizen, married while on visitor's visa, before the 90 day visa expired. Was "in the process" of applying for AOS---after the 90 day visitor visa was up, when an altercation got the police to come to the house. 22 days overstay resulted in her spending a month in immigration jail and was facing deportation and and a ban). What will he do if/when you're deported and banned? What will happen to your hypothetical children?

You won't be able to get a driver's license--which is important as an ID as well as permission to drive. Eventually your passport will expire and will no longer be a valid ID. You won't even be able to get on an airplane for a domestic flight (no valid ID, no airplanes). You won't be able to leave the US ever, not even to Canada, not for a cruise, not to go home to visit your family, because you won't be allowed back in.

What if you can't get your visa extended (you probably can). You apply for another one. You'll probably get that one, too. Explain the finances. If they deny the K1, get married and go for a CR1. More time apart, yes, but better than signing up for all of the above.

I know it's serious mayhem if that comes to this. I did mention similar scenario to him and he just said "there are many illegals here. You just want the AOS for your own piece of mind". Just hurtful.

Also he has never made the research for the K1 visa and never read anything about it, he doesn't seem to care about the process at all. Shouldn't he be interested in all the steps?

[AvaAdore 4]

I have been reading the threads here and it sounds like it is very clear what you should do. I mean I don't want to overstep because ultimately the decision lies with you. So what have you decided?

Personally if you asked me I would stay there. My husband is there and we are still working through our paperwork to get him here. But there is nothing that he wouldn't do for me, and the process is tough but he hasn't been deterred. This man doesn't seem to want to do anything for you.

Also you can't change someone who doesn't want to change themselves.

Lastly, have you decided which way you are leaning? Staying or leaving?

Yes, same, I was excited about the process in fact, and the hurdles meant nothing to me. To me each step was one step closer to living together and I accepted that. While he just found it overly stressful.

Right now it is midnight, I haven't eaten, my eyes are still shedding tears from having to take that decision. And he isn't even calling me or asking about my day.Yes expects me to be on that plane in 2 weeks, with no affection before.

[Shauna&Wael 211]

Hi Shauna. I totally see where you're coming from and appreciate your honesty. I confronted him about it, and he just said that he "tried". And that he didn't want to argue about this. He also told me that I should trust him. And I have.

I am in tears now.

Ava, is that your name? Don't be sad because what we're all making you realize now is a blessing. Trust me, you don't want to realize this stuff once you're already here and kinda trapped. The fact that he only wants you (it sounds like to be his trophy wife) is very concerning. He wants you to play home while he goes and plays. I'm not saying he would cheat on you, but I do not think he's mature enough for marriage at this point and has some growing up to do. Maybe you can put this all on hold in a way? Tell him you refuse to come until he gets a job. Then you'll REALLY see his true colors.

[jsoubenz 9]

Hello Adil & Jeanne. I appreciate your message it means the world to me that so many people care. I am so grateful to you all!

Yes it is hard, but I had to remind him to apply often, and even when I did, he prefered his hobbies as opposed to job-hunting..

Why is it controlling of him? I think I know what you mean, but please elaborate.

Love on my side, I mentioned. On his side, as he shut me down a few times in the past, I send him a photo that had this text "Treat her like you're still trying to win her, and that's how you'll never lose her". To that, he responded "I don't care enough to do so and I don't have the energy to do so. I'd rather play video games or work out. No stress, no complaints".

*sighs*

I am very sorry for your situation and the pain it is causing you. It's very easy to be on the outside looking at your situation and wonder why you would stay. Ultimately though, it has to be your decision, as it is your life. The only thing I will offer, is advice that someone once told me; that simply is, when someone tells you something, listen to it. The fact he stated "I don't care enough to do so" and made a statement regarding that the K1 process has made him stop loving you, should tell you everything you need to know. I wish you the best with the rest of your journey and it's amazing to see the support that everyone here on VJ is able to offer.

[JohnOconner 5]

Since you have a good career, he likes to stay at home and wants a family why not ask him to come to France and be a 'stay-at-home Dad'?

[grimm_jow 3]

You deserve better and I think there are many others that agree here. It seems you have been committed 100% and he isn't. It's hard to let go of someone and the hope that you will have that person you fell in love with. But you have a lot of good things going for you there, and if I was him and you were coming to see me in 2 weeks I would he overjoyed!! But it seems there is only sadness.

Ultimately you will decide what you want to do for you, no matter what others say here. But there are lots of us out there who see the warning signs and are posting for you here, seems like rooting for you here. I think that regardless of starting the process over or not perhaps that is best right now since this man isn't being 100% committed.

You gotta do what makes you happy and what makes the best sense for you.

[intrigueace 14]

I read through this thread and I genuinely feel for you. We all know the trials of being in love across oceans and it's heart wrenching. And to now be at the finish line and to see that things are not what they initially seem has to be a punch in the gut. I'm sorry *hugs*

From what you've written, you do seem very smart and reasonable. My countryman that you have fallen in love with seems like he doesn't deserve the prize that you are. You have a good thing going for you in France and it would be an absolute shame to give up a promising future for someone who is proving to not have half the maturity and wisdom that a marriage will require.

I know it hurts and no one faults you for trying to sort through your feelings to make a decision. At best, I would suggest coming here for a short visit if closure or 'just to see' is an absolute must for you. But, from what you've written, this relationship is a farce and you need to start your healing process to move forward with your life.

Everything is gonna be ok. You're smart and you'll get through this.

Best of luck

[Jawaree 717]

Ava Try a leave of absence from your boss there, don't resign

You sound as if you are thinking str8 and petitioners dad seem a

very astute man.

Your fiancé sounds as if his parents have cushioned him 100% and now

he wants to add a fiancé, they knowing his ways of procrastinating & other

faults &will not sign on to his responsibility, one cannot blame the dad.

Getting a job now or now he will need a co-sponsor

Seem he would even find something fast-food to help for the moment,

I say come keep your job on ice, store some possessions with family or

friends, analyze the situation ..is he lazy, does he truly wants to work, is he

depressed, or is he about to trade in dependable enabling parents for a

dependable enabling wife and saddle you with quick pregnancy...How

would the baby eat when you have a new-born.You cannot work right away

Have a long talk with him, his family, and see the real deal this side. this way

you can return home at not much lost if you have to, cancel that K1 & not

mess yourself up for future travel to the US

His home situation with a houseful of family is not a good thing to leave

your home and stable job for, visit and return home , I garanttee that wont

be to your liking, they'll also gang up on you when things get ugly

Edited July 20, 2015 by Jawaree

[tayurshu 37]

It's hard to be completely invested in this yourself and the other isn't, which is clear here. The problem with that is that you'll go beyond 100% in the hope they show 10%, but they keep on taking and taking, whether they know it or not.

Time to toughen up, Ava, and do what's best for YOU.

Is it worth leaving a secure job in France for something that (from the outside) looks hopeless? Are you going to end up mothering this man because he can't get off his backside? Are you just a replacement for his mother so he can continue living the sheltered, protected and comfortable life he (looks like he) has always had?

You need to work out if it's what you want - nobody here can tell you if it is or isn't, it's something only you know.

But from my personal point of view: I would be out of there quick smart.

[JeanF 32]

Man, the idea of moving to a foreign country to live with my fiancee and his mother is terrifying. If I were in this situation I would honestly wait.. you said so yourself, your life right now in France is good. You have a job you enjoy and are about to be promoted, don't take a chance on that. I would wait until he proves that he's willing to put in the work before coming here and getting married and possibly pressured into having kids.

[arken 4,197]

Because in spite of all this, I gave him my heart. If I hadn't fallen in love I wouldn't care.

You gave him your heart and you r in love with him and keep the way it is till you two have a favorable condition to live in US. Right now, it is definitely not.

Analyze your situation:

1. If you come to US now, how would your and your finacee's life go? Right now he cannot take care of himself, imagine how he would take care of you once you come to US. You will have your expectations and he will have his expectations, once you two stay together with no job, no source of income, those expectation fade away and he and/or you both might get frustrated with each other. Talking about having a child in these circumstances is definitely a foolish idea.

2. If you wait even if you could not extend your K1 visa, you can apply for another K1 visa later on once he has a job, has a source of income to take care of you both. even if they deny K1 visa during that time for this reason, you two can get married in France and then he can apply for your sponsorship of your green card through marriage.

It's your choice you wanna sacrifice a lil bit for now and be happy later on or be happy now by coming to US now for a short period of time and be unhappy later....