Visa in hand, but petitioner is unemployed. Please help!

[AvaAdore 4]

You are correct, without him having a god job you would jeopardize yourself and any future children you may have.

Secondly, he says if he went to France illegally he would feel like a slave, yet he suggests for you to be in the USA illegally because for a "woman it is different." Clearly he has no respect for you. Also, he doesn't speak your language. The first thing I did after I met my wife was take Tagalog lessons so that I may understand her culture and ensure proper communication.

Thirdly, he says the whole process stresses him out? What stress does he have really? He has no job, no bills to pay because mommy pays them, and all his free time is spent on video games and music shows. Does this sound like a stressed individual? Did preparing paperwork cut into his video game time? If he thinks a little paperwork is stressful, then he certainly is not ready for the stress of marriage or children.

Do yourself a favor and walk away.

This hurts to read this...but I know that if I was in your shoes, I would suggest similarly. It's so hard because he used to call me his "soulmate", and the "most wonderful person" etc.I remember all this, and can't let go. But maybe I should, as you suggest...

Your wife is very lucky. Yes I wanted him to learn French but he never found the time for it.

Interesting...I asked him just that, what are the things that stresses you out so much. And he said "just being alive". BTW, I had to prepare all our previous paperwork, because he would not put any effort and there were errors, wrong digits entered ec...I didn't want us denied so I spent hours at night preparing all the paperwork.

Do you think it might be the distance that made him be so aloof and neglecting?

[aaron2020 11,651]

You're focused on the wrong "what if". What if you come over here, and you can't apply for AOS in the required 90 days? You know what happens then? You're here illegally in the US which is no joke. Sure, you probably won't get caught but anything can happen. And does happen. Even to French citizens: http://pinerivertimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/DU/20150310/NEWS01/150319959/0/NEWS05/Durango-nurse-facing-deportation&template=printpicart

(If you don't want to read it: French citizen, married while on visitor's visa, before the 90 day visa expired. Was "in the process" of applying for AOS---after the 90 day visitor visa was up, when an altercation got the police to come to the house. 22 days overstay resulted in her spending a month in immigration jail and was facing deportation and and a ban). What will he do if/when you're deported and banned? What will happen to your hypothetical children?

You won't be able to get a driver's license--which is important as an ID as well as permission to drive. Eventually your passport will expire and will no longer be a valid ID. You won't even be able to get on an airplane for a domestic flight (no valid ID, no airplanes). You won't be able to leave the US ever, not even to Canada, not for a cruise, not to go home to visit your family, because you won't be allowed back in.

What if you can't get your visa extended (you probably can). You apply for another one. You'll probably get that one, too. Explain the finances. If they deny the K1, get married and go for a CR1. More time apart, yes, but better than signing up for all of the above.

To follow up and scare you. Being illegal in the US with an abusive spouse who will threaten to get you deported when he gets mad, you are headed towards a life of misery if you take this path.

If you get deported and ban from the US, you will never see your children again. If he refuses to get them US passports, he can prevent them from leaving the US.

[AvaAdore 4]

Why are you wasting any of your time with someone like that? He certainly needs to prove a lot in order to deserve you. In the entire time it took to get the visa, and then the additional 5 months after you received the visa, he STILL doesn't have a job. I wouldn't trust this person to be motivated enough to find a job in 3 months if he couldn't even do it in the time span mentioned earlier. Do not waste any more time with this person, stay in France.

Hi Shauna. I totally see where you're coming from and appreciate your honesty. I confronted him about it, and he just said that he "tried". And that he didn't want to argue about this. He also told me that I should trust him. And I have.

I am in tears now.

[aaron2020 11,651]

This hurts to read this...but I know that if I was in your shoes, I would suggest similarly. It's so hard because he used to call me his "soulmate", and the "most wonderful person" etc.I remember all this, and can't let go. But maybe I should, as you suggest...

Your wife is very lucky. Yes I wanted him to learn French but he never found the time for it.

Interesting...I asked him just that, what are the things that stresses you out so much. And he said "just being alive". BTW, I had to prepare all our previous paperwork, because he would not put any effort and there were errors, wrong digits entered ec...I didn't want us denied so I spent hours at night preparing all the paperwork.

Do you think it might be the distance that made him be so aloof and neglecting?

No. It's his true colors.

We all behave quite well at the beginning of relationships. We are on our best behavior. After a while, the masks fall off and our true colors shine through.

[Boiler 43,383]

He is a loser, dump him and move on.

[Cathi 5,607]

It's obviously your choice, but remaining illegally in the US is not a good plan.

I would personally choose not to travel in 2 weeks. You can email the embassy about extending your visa. It's possible you could just redo the medical down the road and retain your visa. If you feel more comfortable with the situation, you could always get married (probably in your country) and apply for the spouse visa.

Are jobs difficult to come by where he lives? I would personally be much more upset if he could find a job and wasn't (there are always jobs somewhere). Maybe he needs to consider taking whatever job he can get?

I wish you the best with everything. Definitely a touch decision.

What do you mean living illegally in the US? She has a valid visa and is free to travel and stay the 90 days. If she doesn;t marry she can return home before the 90 days is up and no harm no foul. There is absolutely nothing illegal about it

[AvaAdore 4]

I would come but make sure I had a round trip ticket

you would know in a few days or weeks

He sounds immature but sometimes it is hard to find a job even with degree/I hope he proved to you he has one

And don't have a baby right away

this is more a way to control you as no one has mentioned it but he sounds controlling

scary, yes, but so hard to find a good person to marry and also get a visa

what is really scary is, you don't mention love

Hello Adil & Jeanne. I appreciate your message it means the world to me that so many people care. I am so grateful to you all!

Yes it is hard, but I had to remind him to apply often, and even when I did, he prefered his hobbies as opposed to job-hunting..

Why is it controlling of him? I think I know what you mean, but please elaborate.

Love on my side, I mentioned. On his side, as he shut me down a few times in the past, I send him a photo that had this text "Treat her like you're still trying to win her, and that's how you'll never lose her". To that, he responded "I don't care enough to do so and I don't have the energy to do so. I'd rather play video games or work out. No stress, no complaints".

*sighs*

[kamw 93]

This hurts to read this...but I know that if I was in your shoes, I would suggest similarly. It's so hard because he used to call me his "soulmate", and the "most wonderful person" etc.I remember all this, and can't let go. But maybe I should, as you suggest...

Your wife is very lucky. Yes I wanted him to learn French but he never found the time for it.

Interesting...I asked him just that, what are the things that stresses you out so much. And he said "just being alive". BTW, I had to prepare all our previous paperwork, because he would not put any effort and there were errors, wrong digits entered ec...I didn't want us denied so I spent hours at night preparing all the paperwork.

Do you think it might be the distance that made him be so aloof and neglecting?

It could have- people handle stress differently. But stress can pop up at anytime. What if you have to go back home to take care of a family member down the road, will he start acting like this again? Even if the distance made him act like this, once you came to the end of the process he should have been excited and start making preparations. You have a decent life where you are. If i were in your shoes, I'd ensure I have money for my return ticket home. Take a 2 week holiday and see how he is in person. See how dedicated he is to finding a job.

I remember when I first came here at 17, my mom told me if I'm searching for a job i need to treat the search like a job. She woke me up at 7am every morning and i wasn't allowed back in the house till 6pm. She would give me money for lunch and a stack of resumes and i could go places and apply all day- i found a job in two days. If he's dedicated he will find something. The fact that he hasn't might mean he's not and his mom is enabling him. That's a recipe for disaster- I've been there and it doesn't end well.

[AvaAdore 4]

Ridiculous reasons not to go and be with you. Firstly, French is one of the easier languages to learn, especially when fully immersed as he would be. Secondly, nothing is holding him to the usa, no job, kids, etc. I would be waiving goodbye to him yesterday.

Hi. I think it varies from person to person, I have had friends that told me it was quite challenging, especially the phonetic.

He says he is attached to his brothers, sister and family and cat. But what about mine? he didn't even ask. And I have a cat, that I love so much..he didn't even suggest me to bring her, but at the same time my mother wants to keep my cat as she believes she wouldn't tolerate the flight, so she wants to keep my cat.

[Transborderwife 4,666]

Hi. I think it varies from person to person, I have had friends that told me it was quite challenging, especially the phonetic.

He says he is attached to his brothers, sister and family and cat. But what about mine? he didn't even ask. And I have a cat, that I love so much..he didn't even suggest me to bring her, but at the same time my mother wants to keep my cat as she believes she wouldn't tolerate the flight, so she wants to keep my cat.

Poor kitty

[ChicagoSarah 127]

What do you mean living illegally in the US? She has a valid visa and is free to travel and stay the 90 days. If she doesn;t marry she can return home before the 90 days is up and no harm no foul. There is absolutely nothing illegal about it

Read her original post. He has no $ and his solution is to have her just stay in the US without filing AOS until if/when he scrounges up the $ to do so. That would mean she would be here illegally.....

[AvaAdore 4]

Run. If he has no RESPECT for your concerns, then he is not a good man. He's selfish. He's immature. He's a male chauvinist pig. He's a waste of space who thinks that you should serve him and support him like his momma does.

Aaron, what breaks my heart is that he was totally different when I first met him. He would say I was "the love of his life". I noticed that he started to be hurtful once he knew he had my heart. And ever since I've been hoping for the one I fell for to come back to me.

[madtownguy 164]

I greatly respect your stress over the situation. Far too many would come and increase the burden upon our system. I think you will have no problem finding a job just as easy if not easier than in France. Unfortunately if he hasn't found some kind of job yet I wouldn't rely on it, our market is good right now. On top of that California is crazy expensive to live in. I wouldn't say don't come, because you can always go back. I wouldn't stress about losing your job unless it is a once in a lifetime job. I would continue to tread with caution. It is odd a parent not supporting their child, that to me is the biggest sign of something not wrong. A strong family is important to me, and that doesn't sound like a strong family to me. Good luck in whatever you decide, California is great so at worst you could have a month or two vacation.

[AvaAdore 4]

You really haven't said too much positive about your relationship. Why would you want to come to be with him? What makes him so special?

Trina, good point. Well he has been the center of my world since I gave my heart to him. You see I'm a shy, private person, and once someone is in my heart, it's forever.

[grimm_jow 3]

I have been reading the threads here and it sounds like it is very clear what you should do. I mean I don't want to overstep because ultimately the decision lies with you. So what have you decided?

Personally if you asked me I would stay there. My husband is there and we are still working through our paperwork to get him here. But there is nothing that he wouldn't do for me, and the process is tough but he hasn't been deterred. This man doesn't seem to want to do anything for you.

Also you can't change someone who doesn't want to change themselves.

Lastly, have you decided which way you are leaning? Staying or leaving?