Visa in hand, but petitioner is unemployed. Please help!

[aaron2020 11,651]

Actually, I suggested it to him a while ago. But he cannot come to me as he doesn't speak the language, and if he were to come to France, he would need to prove he has savings, which he doesn't. If he stayed illegally, he once told me he would feel like a "slave" and that he couldn't live with himself if he weren't able to drive. So I recalled him he said that, to which he said that "as a woman, it's different"...

Seriously?

He doesn't want to be an illegal immigrant but it's okay if you become one. Different for women how?

I wish you the best of luck in life.

[AvaAdore 4]

I'd suggest having a discussion with him about moving to France....or somewhere else you could both live and work in the EU. if he's not willing to consider making that sacrifice for you, it seems unfair for him to expect that same sacrifice.

I completely agree with CatherineA. Would you date a French guy exhibiting the same behavior? The visa doesn't mean you have to go to the US, just that you're able to. Contact the embassy about extending the visa. Unfortunately none of us can tell you definitively if they can/will/for how long, but you should certainly try.

And expecting you to move over and burn through your savings just to survive seems childish and irresponsible.

Thanks Sarah. I already did, and he refuses as he said he doesn't like the people here, and that the language is too difficult to learn. And that he prefers to live where he is.

I know I would not. It is just so hard for me to be objective about this, because I love him.

Indeed..I was surprised when he said I should just bring my savings, and use that until he finds a job. I then explained that if so, I would be left with nothing, completely dependent on him, with no chance of an AOS to be able to work. To which he said "well stay in France then"..

Well said, .

Hugs back to your delightful cats

Well said, .

Hugs back to your delightful cats

I don't want to be seems intrusive, but how long you have been together? How old is he? I am sorry but it seems like he's still trapped in teenager body. Asking if you have money and using your saving to support yourself it is not seem a wise-way to be together with someone you love.

He is 20. And we have been together for a year and a half now. I know it isn't wise of him to suggest that, but he said it's the only option. So I brushed it off.

[Transborderwife 4,666]

Ridiculous reasons not to go and be with you. Firstly, French is one of the easier languages to learn, especially when fully immersed as he would be. Secondly, nothing is holding him to the usa, no job, kids, etc. I would be waiving goodbye to him yesterday.

[aaron2020 11,651]

Thanks Sarah. I already did, and he refuses as he said he doesn't like the people here, and that the language is too difficult to learn. And that he prefers to live where he is.

I know I would not. It is just so hard for me to be objective about this, because I love him.

Indeed..I was surprised when he said I should just bring my savings, and use that until he finds a job. I then explained that if so, I would be left with nothing, completely dependent on him, with no chance of an AOS to be able to work. To which he said "well stay in France then"..

Hugs back to your delightful cats

Hugs back to your delightful cats

Run. If he has no RESPECT for your concerns, then he is not a good man. He's selfish. He's immature. He's a male chauvinist pig. He's a waste of space who thinks that you should serve him and support him like his momma does.

[AvaAdore 4]

First of all, it's not. English is much harder. Also, most future spouses put in some effort into learning the other's language. Even just a little bit, or enough to be polite. Plus he "prefers to stay where he is"? Um....ok. Can you "prefer" to have financial stability and legal status in the country you're living in?

For flip's sake! Honey, he sounds like he is nowhere near mature enough to be married. At all. He's expecting you to just seamlessly fit into his life, exactly the way it is now, with no changes, or effort or sacrifice on his part because finding a job is stressful, French is hard and he prefers his mom's house. You're not signing up to be someone's partner, you're signing up to be an accessory in their life!

Yes Catherine, I really wanted to teach him French but everytime I did, he got bored and didn't care that much (said he preferred to play video games). My goal was to start having basic conversations in French with him, but again, it didn't happen.

I know it sounds like that. He was soo very loving until I started loving him back. But then he just changed, lied on a few occasions, and I forgave and forgave..because once I give my heart, it's forever. I wish I wasn't like this, but I cant' change that.

[trinaqueen 36]

You really haven't said too much positive about your relationship. Why would you want to come to be with him? What makes him so special?

[Pennycat 880]

Thanks Catherine. You hit the nail on the head when you suggest picturing being in this relationship as though the immigration issue wasn't there. Not only that, but when he earns money, he will have to help his mother pay her rent. He also doesn't want me to work there - he wants me to be a stay at home mother, hence why he wants children asap. Which would be possible if he had a job, but imagine if I become pregnant knowing I cannot access to healthcare there and have to worry about our next meal?

Actually, I suggested it to him a while ago. But he cannot come to me as he doesn't speak the language, and if he were to come to France, he would need to prove he has savings, which he doesn't. If he stayed illegally, he once told me he would feel like a "slave" and that he couldn't live with himself if he weren't able to drive. So I recalled him he said that, to which he said that "as a woman, it's different"...

Yes these are serious matters. He didn't keep his end of the "deal" but he explained that he tried, and couldn't deal with so much stress.

Oh, goodness. I'm sorry. But please re-read what you've written here and imagine a friend or sister or someone explaining it to you.

He wants you to be a stay at home mom and yet he is unwilling/unable to even support himself. Just *trying* to take the first step in supporting just himself (finding a job) was "too stressful". Can you imagine? That would be the beginning and end of that conversation for me.

From a quick google search, it looks as if there is nothing preventing him from being able to live in France if he were to marry you. He doesn't have to prove any savings, or at least not according to the French consulate in DC: http://www.consulfrance-washington.org/spip.php?article470 He doesn't speak the language? That sounds like a personal problem, to me. There is no requirement that he speak French to live in France (to become a citizen, I bet, but there's other legal status available). Furthermore, that is a very fixable personal problem. He can learn French. Literally billions of people on the planet speak more than one language. And with a little effort on his part he, too, may join their ranks.

"As a woman, it's different". End of conversation for me, too. If he'd feel like a slave as an illegal immigrant unable to work, he needs to understand you'd feel that way too. (PS, see above. He can get legal status). I don't believe in double standards, particularly not on the basis of gender and most especially not if the person talking that kind of nonsense isn't living up to the flip side of that coin (which is "as a man, he should be supporting himself, and not let "stress" keep him from being alpha-male provider". Instead, he's still suckling at Mommy's teet! Big man there). He wants a stay at home mom, sure. FOR HIM. He doesn't want a family to provide for....he wants a mother-wife to always take care of him.

Please. You are much better off living in a country with a job and legal status than you ever will be living illegally with someone who plans to "support you" as a stay at home mom but shows zero effort to actually provide that support.

Edited July 20, 2015 by CatherineA

[ChicagoSarah 127]

I think CatherineA has put it best. If you wouldn't marry this guy right now if he lived down the street due to some of the issues and behaviors, then don't go to the US to marry him. Relationships are hard enough, marriage doesn't make it any easier. And immigration certainly throws some stress into the mix.

It sounds like a lot of typical relationship hurdles independent of the immigration ones. If you want to work and be independent and not be a full time stay at home mom, those are huge differences in what you both have planned for he future.

Postpone or cancel this visa. Work through some of the other major issues. You can always re-apply for the K-1 or apply for a CR-1. But moving to a small town Ina new country with no way to work or travel or be yourself and potentially need to divorce if things don't improve would be much more difficult.

Or book a round-trip for just shy of a month from now. Come on the K-1 and see the situation in person. You'll know after 2-3 weeks if it's what you want..

[Pennycat 880]

Yes Catherine, I really wanted to teach him French but everytime I did, he got bored and didn't care that much (said he preferred to play video games). My goal was to start having basic conversations in French with him, but again, it didn't happen.

I know it sounds like that. He was soo very loving until I started loving him back. But then he just changed, lied on a few occasions, and I forgave and forgave..because once I give my heart, it's forever. I wish I wasn't like this, but I cant' change that.

He's lazy and has no respect for you or your culture then. Or he's stupid. Sorry. Learning another language simply isn't THAT hard. Boring, maybe. But we all do things for love. Except him, I suppose. Because he's lazy and has no respect for your or your culture or he's stupid. See?

Everyone feels that way about their loves (that giving their heart is forever). It passes. Marriage is a partnership, not a fairy tale. You're not getting a partner. You would be signing yourself up for a lifetime of misery (or at the very least an ugly divorce) if you continue with this unless he makes some very serious changes. Sorry. Good luck.

Edited July 20, 2015 by CatherineA

[AvaAdore 4]

I agree with this. If your fiance is not mature enough to find a job to get married in a responsible fashion, then he is not mature enough to have a life with you. And on top of things he wants kids right away? You are setting yourself up for trouble on this one.

My advice is do not come until he has a job and has proven he can financially support you. Even if you were to come here, you could not adjust status as your AoS would still require a sponsor if he did not have a job. It's not worth the risk. Tell him to get a job or forget it.

In addition, even if he did have a job, does he have enough money for a down payment on a house or 3 months security for an apartment? You'll probably wind up living with his mother, so ensure he has a place for you to stay... away from mom.

A ring on your finger will not make financial hardships any easier. I would not have dared ask my wife to marry me if I could not afford to do so. He should give you the life and respect you deserve, and he can prove it by finding a job first. Be strong, and don't be a push-over. Worst case scenario you do the K-1 over again and he'll have a job by next year.

It's really hard to hear this, but deep down my intuition sometimes hints at that as well. I just love him and want to believe he can change this for us though.

He wants kids right away yes. I tried to explain that if I was pregnant asap, I would need to see doctors eventually and for this you need medical cover, and all of that is not priceless.

If I were to stay here, what if I cannot get my visa extended? what if it has to be started all over again, and that the embassy asks why I didn't use my visa?

Alas he has no savings. And his mother will ask him money for rent once he starts working, which means I'll have to live there, with his 5 brothers and sisters. Which is difficult for me as it doesn't feel like the life of a married couple.

I can say this: your wife is very lucky.

Edited July 20, 2015 by AvaAdore

[Anapr 15]

We can only come here and offer our sincere opinion on this, but as we are not actually going through this, it's important that you take the time to really assess your feelings, hopes and dreams.

Sounds like you're young and yet you're (at least) bilingual and have a good job with a promotion offer on your way. You sure worked hard for it. Are you comfortable on leaving the life you have and worked for behind? Your family and friends?

Love is a powerful emotion that sometimes take our reason away and make us choose poorly. As much difficult as it is, try to reason within you: is loving him enough? Would you be happy being out of status? Living in his mothers house? Not being able to work?

Relationships take a lot of compromise and require that the people involved work together in order to make it work. So far you've done your part, why can't he do his?

I agree with everyone's opinion so far. Don't throw what you have away for someone that's not putting the effort to make this life changing situation comfortable and worth for you. Love and respect yourself, you deserve much better.

[AvaAdore 4]

As others have said, he's too immature and lazy to be a good husband. And he told you the process made him "stop loving you". Really?!! Apology or not, his true colors are shining through. If I were you, I'd stay right where I am. Good luck!

yes he did sometimes he says really harsh things, but always apologise. I know it's not right, but he has had a touch childhood.

[AvaAdore 4]

I wouldn't have bought my Wife over if I wasn't employed or if I would need a cosponsor until the time was right.

You're from France, not some warn torn 3rd world country and I fail to see the urgency in migrating to the US when things are not well lined up here for you.

Good luck.

PS: There are threads littering VJ of people that came over and had issues with unemployed SO's and living with parents.

Because in spite of all this, I gave him my heart. If I hadn't fallen in love I wouldn't care.

[aaron2020 11,651]

yes he did sometimes he says really harsh things, but always apologise. I know it's not right, but he has had a touch childhood.

This is a classic pattern of emotional abuse.

His childhood should not be an excuse to treat you terribly. He has to be willing to get help and break the cycle. He needs to put in effort.

Please don't make excuses for him. Too many spouses and partners make excuses for their domestic abuser. His childhood should not excuse his abusive behavior towards you. If he cares for you, he would make the effort.

Edited July 20, 2015 by aaron2020

[Pennycat 880]

It's really hard to hear this, but deep down my intuition sometimes hints at that as well. I just love him and want to believe he can change this for us though.

He wants kids right away yes. I tried to explain that if I was pregnant asap, I would need to see doctors eventually and for this you need medical cover, and all of that is not priceless.

If I were to stay here, what if I cannot get my visa extended? what if it has to be started all over again, and that the embassy asks why I didn't use my visa?

Alas he has no savings. And his mother will ask him money for rent once he starts working, which means I'll have to live there, with his 5 brothers and sisters. Which is difficult for me as it doesn't feel like the life of a married couple.

I can say this: your wife is very lucky.

You're focused on the wrong "what if". What if you come over here, and you can't apply for AOS in the required 90 days? You know what happens then? You're here illegally in the US which is no joke. Sure, you probably won't get caught but anything can happen. And does happen. Even to French citizens: http://pinerivertimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/DU/20150310/NEWS01/150319959/0/NEWS05/Durango-nurse-facing-deportation&template=printpicart

(If you don't want to read it: French citizen, married while on visitor's visa, before the 90 day visa expired. Was "in the process" of applying for AOS---after the 90 day visitor visa was up, when an altercation got the police to come to the house. 22 days overstay resulted in her spending a month in immigration jail and was facing deportation and and a ban). What will he do if/when you're deported and banned? What will happen to your hypothetical children?

You won't be able to get a driver's license--which is important as an ID as well as permission to drive. Eventually your passport will expire and will no longer be a valid ID. You won't even be able to get on an airplane for a domestic flight (no valid ID, no airplanes). You won't be able to leave the US ever, not even to Canada, not for a cruise, not to go home to visit your family, because you won't be allowed back in.

What if you can't get your visa extended (you probably can). You apply for another one. You'll probably get that one, too. Explain the finances. If they deny the K1, get married and go for a CR1. More time apart, yes, but better than signing up for all of the above.

Edited July 20, 2015 by CatherineA