Visa in hand, but petitioner is unemployed. Please help!

[Girl from Celebes 588]

I respect my friends GFC opinion while offering mine as another perspective.

In all of this time you have waited for the process & things to be right before you came here which will be life changing no doubt. His promise may have been sincere but he hasn't found a way to really fulfill possibly the most serious promise.

Coming here with knowing this with the pressure of impending marriage ect is perhaps a little too much. You will make a huge sacrifice which will include your family to some extent.

With no known joint sponsor for the AOS there could be a real problem in the future. How will you be supported thru all of this? Mom?

The suggestion that you would remain in the USA illegally is irresponsible at best & self centered. Don't plan on anything other than following the laws.

You are lucky to be from a VWP country so I wouldn't do anything to affect that status. You could use your ticket & time to come to visit & see first hand what life may be like for a short time.

No one can say what you should do other than to weigh the facts as they are. To me the first hole in the road shouldn't be created by the man I love especially if he has plenty of time to fill it for me.

Well said, .

[Pennycat 880]

Hi Sarah, I understand that side of things as well. I was shocked when he told me that I didn't really need the AOS ("plenty of people stay illegally" was what he then mentioned). I was hurt to hear that but tried not to focus on it...didn't want to cause an argument.

Emailing the embassy that granted me my visa is an idea. Do you know how long they can extend it?

He could find a job but he hasn't put as much effort into it as he should have, because he said he was stressed out. We have had difficult moments because at times he completely shut me down and changed his mood and priorities out of the blue. But I give him the benefit of the doubt.

Hello Ning Yes, it hurts me a lot, I see you understand my emotions, it is really painful for me to be in such a confusing situation. And you're right about the fact that it's a huge sacrifice, and I haven't even told my family that he is unemployed. I am so afraid of their reaction. How will I be supported through all this? well he asked me if I had some savings, and I have about 4,000 dollars, so he said I can live with that, and when he finds a job he will support me. And what do you mean when you said that me leaving wouldn't do anything to affect my status?

I agree...I tried to tell him that, but he said he doesn't want to hear complaints.

First, jsut to get this out of the way, make sure that you are clear with him and yourself that you're not looking to be supported, that you're willing to work etc... Because something tells me he may get nasty and accuse you of "gold digging". These money concerns ARE valid because (1) you NEED him to be employed, or have a co-sponsor, to be able to legally reside in this country (2) you will be unable to work at first and money doesn't come from nowhere.

Now that that's out of the way....look at the bolded statements. "When he finds a job he'll support me" but he's not gotten a job yet, even though he could because it "stresses him out". Um. Ok. Well, doing dishes stresses me out. Do I get to skip that because I don't feel like it? What else is too hard for him to take responsibility for? Marriage, and especially marriage and babies is NO joke. You have to be able to depend on each other, you have to work hard and you need to do the best you can to follow through with promises and plans.

Also, simply swinging your mood, allowing it affect how you treat others AND simply shutting out *your future wife*, and changing priorities without consulting *the person you're promising to be a partner in life"? Nope. That would not fly with me. Especially not with my employment, and future stability on the line.

[ChicagoSarah 127]

I'd suggest having a discussion with him about moving to France....or somewhere else you could both live and work in the EU. if he's not willing to consider making that sacrifice for you, it seems unfair for him to expect that same sacrifice.

I completely agree with CatherineA. Would you date a French guy exhibiting the same behavior? The visa doesn't mean you have to go to the US, just that you're able to. Contact the embassy about extending the visa. Unfortunately none of us can tell you definitively if they can/will/for how long, but you should certainly try.

And expecting you to move over and burn through your savings just to survive seems childish and irresponsible.

[Girl from Celebes 588]

Greetings thanks for your reply as well, it means so much to me to realise I may feel alone, but there are lovely people out there who have compassion. He lives in California, in a small town. He has a sound engineering certificate, but somehow he hasn't been serious about his job search and hasn't applied as much as he should have (which disheartened me but he said he couldn't handle the stress of the job search :/ .. ) . We have had ups and downs, and in the difficult moment all he wanted was to play video games, and go to music shows, as opposed to looking for more jobs. When I confronted him about this, he said he still had plenty of time, but time flew by and nothing happened . As to being pregnant, I know he really wants a child, he even told me once that the only point of getting married is to have children, otherwise he sees little purpose in this.

I don't want to be seems intrusive, but how long you have been together? How old is he? I am sorry but it seems like he's still trapped in teenager body. Asking if you have money and using your saving to support yourself it is not seem a wise-way to be together with someone you love.

[Pennycat 880]

I know what you mean, it has crossed my mind that he doesn't take it as seriously as I do. He even told me that the whole tedious K1 process has drained his energy and that it made him stop loving me as the process is not exactly "romantic", and he kept reiterating how stressful it has been for him to go through that when most people just get together without paperwork to be done...But he then said he didn't mean it, and apologised. Still devastated me.

Hello. I suggested it. But the language is tough to learn, and he doesn't speak it. He also prefers to stay where he is.

First of all, it's not. English is much harder. Also, most future spouses put in some effort into learning the other's language. Even just a little bit, or enough to be polite. Plus he "prefers to stay where he is"? Um....ok. Can you "prefer" to have financial stability and legal status in the country you're living in?

For flip's sake! Honey, he sounds like he is nowhere near mature enough to be married. At all. He's expecting you to just seamlessly fit into his life, exactly the way it is now, with no changes, or effort or sacrifice on his part because finding a job is stressful, French is hard and he prefers his mom's house. You're not signing up to be someone's partner, you're signing up to be an accessory in their life!

Edited July 20, 2015 by CatherineA

[Mike-eeh and Odie 192]

Do you really want to be in an awkward situation? Personally, I'd postpone the entire thing until he finds a job.

I agree with this. If your fiance is not mature enough to find a job to get married in a responsible fashion, then he is not mature enough to have a life with you. And on top of things he wants kids right away? You are setting yourself up for trouble on this one.

My advice is do not come until he has a job and has proven he can financially support you. Even if you were to come here, you could not adjust status as your AoS would still require a sponsor if he did not have a job. It's not worth the risk. Tell him to get a job or forget it.

In addition, even if he did have a job, does he have enough money for a down payment on a house or 3 months security for an apartment? You'll probably wind up living with his mother, so ensure he has a place for you to stay... away from mom.

A ring on your finger will not make financial hardships any easier. I would not have dared ask my wife to marry me if I could not afford to do so. He should give you the life and respect you deserve, and he can prove it by finding a job first. Be strong, and don't be a push-over. Worst case scenario you do the K-1 over again and he'll have a job by next year.

[Happytobe 164]

As others have said, he's too immature and lazy to be a good husband. And he told you the process made him "stop loving you". Really?!! Apology or not, his true colors are shining through. If I were you, I'd stay right where I am. Good luck!

[AvaAdore 4]

I'm sorry, this is a really tough situation to be in. First, see if you can buy some time by extending your visa. That will help ease your mind a bit, and give you time to figure this out.

Generally, what I think is a good idea to try to to wherever possible, is to live the relationship as if immigration concerns were not an issue. This is difficult, yes. But think--if you already lived in the same country, would you consider quitting your job and relocating to be with him while he is unemployed and doesn't have his own house? The immigration thing makes it worse (ie--you have to worry about applying for AOS in 90 days, having a sponsor and you're unable to work) but---just kind of baseline question---is that something you would do? For me, the answer is "no".

There are much worse things than allowing a visa to expire. And to me, those are: living in a country illegally, unable to work, getting married to someone who doesn't keep their end of deals up, being pressured to have a baby before you're emotionally and financially ready. Is there some reason he can't come to you? If the answer is "immigration concerns" well....that shouldn't bother him too much because he's just suggested that YOU come over and live illegally, right (I'm being facetious here but there IS a good point in there).

To me, it sounds like this relationship isn't ready for the step of marriage, not necessarily because of money but because he's not keeping up his end of the "deal" and he's asking you to make WAY too many sacrifices that he doesn't seem willing to make himself. That's a big red flag right there, to me.

Thanks Catherine. You hit the nail on the head when you suggest picturing being in this relationship as though the immigration issue wasn't there. Not only that, but when he earns money, he will have to help his mother pay her rent. He also doesn't want me to work there - he wants me to be a stay at home mother, hence why he wants children asap. Which would be possible if he had a job, but imagine if I become pregnant knowing I cannot access to healthcare there and have to worry about our next meal?

Actually, I suggested it to him a while ago. But he cannot come to me as he doesn't speak the language, and if he were to come to France, he would need to prove he has savings, which he doesn't. If he stayed illegally, he once told me he would feel like a "slave" and that he couldn't live with himself if he weren't able to drive. So I recalled him he said that, to which he said that "as a woman, it's different"...

Yes these are serious matters. He didn't keep his end of the "deal" but he explained that he tried, and couldn't deal with so much stress.

[Girl from Celebes 588]

First of all, it's not. English is much harder. Also, most future spouses put in some effort into learning the other's language. Even just a little bit, or enough to be polite. Plus he "prefers to stay where he is"? Um....ok. Can you "prefer" to have financial stability and legal status in the country you're living in?

For flip's sake! Honey, he sounds like he is nowhere near mature enough to be married. At all. He's expecting you to just seamlessly fit into his life, exactly the way it is now, with no changes, or effort or sacrifice on his part because finding a job is stressful, French is hard and he prefers his mom's house. You're not signing up to be someone's partner, you're signing up to be an accessory in their life!

We might have a different experience. I learned French, Spanish, Italian as well as Swedish. Not to be proficient speaker but just for learning lesson. The most difficult language among those is French, to be honest!

I do agree with you that probably better if your significant other should learn your own language - I don't imposethat to husband but he insisted to learn some-.

[AvaAdore 4]

My cats sent you warm hugs! Thank you!

Anyhow, that's a tough call, I have to admit. Though I did not have a same dilemma like yours but leaving a good job and that you are really enjoyed it a lot, I feel related to you.

Also long distance relationship is really hard working. If you both don't mind being separated for a while then I suggested just follow your initial plan, come here to visit and see what happens. If you don't try to come and observing the whole situation then you have no idea what the reality is.

Just use your K-1 visa to come. There is no repercussion for you because you decided not to get married within 90 days and it won't affect your future plan if you wanted to come here again under the same visa. Or probably any other visas.

People made mistakes and you should not feel have to blame yourself for made a choice.

Yes, I am so glad that you understand me, only people who have been in this situation can. I certainly didn't expect any of this when he asked me to marry him. He was so loving and romantic in the beginning, but then once I also fell in love with him, things started to change, surprisingly. But he said that it's only because the whole K1 process who getting on his nerves.

Absolutely, I agree that sometimes you need to experience a situation first hand to really determine if it's the right choice. But if so, I can only stay 1 month. Why 1 month? because my boss can give me 1 month holiday maximum, and after that, she needs to know if I want to keep my job and start immediately.

But if I leave, I won't be able to ever re-enter with the same visa, correct?

I know, I am just so hard on myself and can't tolerate when I mess up.

[General Buhari 46]

I wouldn't have bought my Wife over if I wasn't employed or if I would need a cosponsor until the time was right.

You're from France, not some warn torn 3rd world country and I fail to see the urgency in migrating to the US when things are not well lined up here for you.

Good luck.

PS: There are threads littering VJ of people that came over and had issues with unemployed SO's and living with parents.

[Mike-eeh and Odie 192]

Thanks Catherine. You hit the nail on the head when you suggest picturing being in this relationship as though the immigration issue wasn't there. Not only that, but when he earns money, he will have to help his mother pay her rent. He also doesn't want me to work there - he wants me to be a stay at home mother, hence why he wants children asap. Which would be possible if he had a job, but imagine if I become pregnant knowing I cannot access to healthcare there and have to worry about our next meal?

Actually, I suggested it to him a while ago. But he cannot come to me as he doesn't speak the language, and if he were to come to France, he would need to prove he has savings, which he doesn't. If he stayed illegally, he once told me he would feel like a "slave" and that he couldn't live with himself if he weren't able to drive. So I recalled him he said that, to which he said that "as a woman, it's different"...

Yes these are serious matters. He didn't keep his end of the "deal" but he explained that he tried, and couldn't deal with so much stress.

You are correct, without him having a god job you would jeopardize yourself and any future children you may have.

Secondly, he says if he went to France illegally he would feel like a slave, yet he suggests for you to be in the USA illegally because for a "woman it is different." Clearly he has no respect for you. Also, he doesn't speak your language. The first thing I did after I met my wife was take Tagalog lessons so that I may understand her culture and ensure proper communication.

Thirdly, he says the whole process stresses him out? What stress does he have really? He has no job, no bills to pay because mommy pays them, and all his free time is spent on video games and music shows. Does this sound like a stressed individual? Did preparing paperwork cut into his video game time? If he thinks a little paperwork is stressful, then he certainly is not ready for the stress of marriage or children.

Do yourself a favor and walk away.

[Shauna&Wael 211]

I know what you mean, it has crossed my mind that he doesn't take it as seriously as I do. He even told me that the whole tedious K1 process has drained his energy and that it made him stop loving me as the process is not exactly "romantic", and he kept reiterating how stressful it has been for him to go through that when most people just get together without paperwork to be done...But he then said he didn't mean it, and apologised. Still devastated me.

Hello. I suggested it. But the language is tough to learn, and he doesn't speak it. He also prefers to stay where he is.

Why are you wasting any of your time with someone like that? He certainly needs to prove a lot in order to deserve you. In the entire time it took to get the visa, and then the additional 5 months after you received the visa, he STILL doesn't have a job. I wouldn't trust this person to be motivated enough to find a job in 3 months if he couldn't even do it in the time span mentioned earlier. Do not waste any more time with this person, stay in France.

[AvaAdore 4]

First, jsut to get this out of the way, make sure that you are clear with him and yourself that you're not looking to be supported, that you're willing to work etc... Because something tells me he may get nasty and accuse you of "gold digging". These money concerns ARE valid because (1) you NEED him to be employed, or have a co-sponsor, to be able to legally reside in this country (2) you will be unable to work at first and money doesn't come from nowhere.

Now that that's out of the way....look at the bolded statements. "When he finds a job he'll support me" but he's not gotten a job yet, even though he could because it "stresses him out". Um. Ok. Well, doing dishes stresses me out. Do I get to skip that because I don't feel like it? What else is too hard for him to take responsibility for? Marriage, and especially marriage and babies is NO joke. You have to be able to depend on each other, you have to work hard and you need to do the best you can to follow through with promises and plans.

Also, simply swinging your mood, allowing it affect how you treat others AND simply shutting out *your future wife*, and changing priorities without consulting *the person you're promising to be a partner in life"? Nope. That would not fly with me. Especially not with my employment, and future stability on the line.

Yes, I absolutely want to work and contribute, but he told me that he wants me to be a stay at home mother. I explained that it wasn't realistic, and that we need two incomes to support us and a child. He said that my role as a woman is not to work. But then I studied and worked before and don't want that to go to waste either.

"What else is too hard for him to take responsibility for? Marriage, and especially marriage and babies is NO joke. You have to be able to depend on each other, you have to work hard and you need to do the best you can to follow through with promises and plans". I wholeheartedly agree with you on this. All he said was that he 'tried'. He's not even here to reassure me when I have had a tough day, and I am always the one who has to suggest Skype, and when I talk about serious matters like the ones you have raised, he just tells me he prefers not to talk about it. *sighs*

[Adil & Jeanne 296]

I would come but make sure I had a round trip ticket

you would know in a few days or weeks

He sounds immature but sometimes it is hard to find a job even with degree/I hope he proved to you he has one

And don't have a baby right away

this is more a way to control you as no one has mentioned it but he sounds controlling

scary, yes, but so hard to find a good person to marry and also get a visa

what is really scary is, you don't mention love