Marital woes

[elmcitymaven 9,711]

Holy ####### y'all, are you kidding me? Absolutely, this is how "unintentional" affairs begin. Crazy to think otherwise, safety issues of being alone in a car with a stranger from the Internet aside (they should be a given). I would not have reacted that severely if my wife had done this (saying that his sister was correct, etc.) but I would definitely not be happy with the situation.

Oh I won't even get started on this one. Y'alls relationship is in DEEP trouble already and you don't even know it. From both ends. I'll keep fingers crossed that you make it through, since I don't like seeing marriages end, generally speaking. GL, you'll need it.

People only get into affairs if there is something wrong with their relationship where they feel that their needs are not being met. They don't "oopsie" come out of nowhere. I say this as someone whose marriage was ended partially by an affair. Our marriage was in trouble where he got into a car with a strange woman he was giving a ride to. The main issues are safety, trust and respect.

[tomyka81 95]

as a woman, you are dead wrong and you knew what you were doing, now trying to play dumb and innocent on this forum.... for what purpose? to take to him so that you have help smoothing it over. There is no smoothing it over. You have lost his trust, you will have to earn it back with time.

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

There are different opinions of having mixed gender friends, some think it's ok, some think it isn't. One isn't right and the wrong, it depends on

what the couple agreed upon and is ok with. There has to be a mutual agreement.

I just have one question......if one of the spouses does not feel comfortable with the other hanging with opposite gender friends, then what

is left to do ?

A. Fight and argue about it 24/7

B. Find a more compatible mate (why was this not discussed in the beginning when they met ?)

C. Accommodate your spouse and hang with same gender friends.

I love my spouse enough to where I definitely would put my own male friends aside and make sure he is not getting insecure and upset.

That is a very small prize to pay in my opinion. Marriage first ! There is no need to hang out alone with a male friend if it upsets your spouse.

Priorities need to be evaluated and again, discuss this from day 1 not years into the marriage to see where your compatibilities are and if you

don't want to give up opposite gender friends then move on to someone who sees it your way in life.

It is really that simple.

[brien0512 61]

Im always careful on who am i going to make friends with but on wat u just said yes its a huge slap on ur husband face... are u that outgoing person? How i wish u also choose a husband whose an outgoing to match ur personality...sorry but need to tell u this but it only makes ur husband think ur not happy to be with him n you still need other people around u so u would be happy...

[Unidentified 2,930]

Okay I haven't read all the replies because I read some and some people are just way out there... Some even suggest that wanting to meet and make new friends is a sign you're tired of your husband is just bs.

1. Have you told him that Meetup is not a dating thing? There are plenty of women only groups (friendship) and there'a are a bunch of different activities such as reading groups, running groups etc? Seems to be he is judging it by it's name.

2. DO NOT EVER get into a car with strangers. That might have been okay in your home country. In America it can be the last trip you'll ever make before they find you raped and murdered in a ditch (If they find you at all). Yes, harsh but true. It doesn't matter if it's the person arranging the meeting. Everyone can be psychos.

Tell your husband to look up meetup and what it is, try to explain to him what it is. Explain to him, show him that you're not after another man, you're after a new friend. Maybe suggest going to a women only group. OR suggest going to a group thing together.

I hope you guys work it out! He seems a little insecure.

[Unidentified 2,930]

If I were your husband I would be suspicious of your behavior because this hook up thing is not only bizarre but a slap on his face...

I suggest you look up what meetup.com is before you post. Yes, hopping into a car with a stranger was dumb. But going to a meetup.com meeting is harmless. There's a whole bunch of people having the same interests going out to hang out. There is reading groups, running groups, cooking groups... All kinds of groups.

[General Buhari 46]

OP, I'm a man, not claiming to speak for all men, and an admittedly droopy arm Neanderthal, so I took major offense at the whole MeetUp thing and then progressively got all wound up that you're thinking of hopping into a car with an unknown make.

Not saying I agree 100% with his reaction but I understand where he's coming from. We all have different triggers.

Good luck.

Edited June 24, 2015 by General Buhari

[TBoneTX 43,020]

People only get into affairs if there is something wrong with their relationship where they feel that their needs are not being met.

Not quite -- there's also impulse that continues.

Edited June 24, 2015 by TBoneTX

[Unidentified 2,930]

.

Okay apparently you changed your mind about your whole post but can you please point out to where you saw the signs of her being unfaithful because I must have missed them? Yes, I skipped a few pages but from what I gathered from the original post I only saw a woman who wanted more friends than her husband and his family. What's wrong with that? Is she not allowed to make friends without being accused of cheating? Yes, she wanted to get into a car with a man. That does not mean she was intending to do anything with him. She did not mention the gender of the others in the meetup group so I'm going to assumed it was a mixed event. What's the problem?

[onye uwaoma 131]

I suggest you look up what meetup.com is before you post. Yes, hopping into a car with a stranger was dumb. But going to a meetup.com meeting is harmless. There's a whole bunch of people having the same interests going out to hang out. There is reading groups, running groups, cooking groups... All kinds of groups.

Okay.

[onye uwaoma 131]

Okay apparently you changed your mind about your whole post but can you please point out to where you saw the signs of her being unfaithful because I must have missed them? Yes, I skipped a few pages but from what I gathered from the original post I only saw a woman who wanted more friends than her husband and his family. What's wrong with that? Is she not allowed to make friends without being accused of cheating? Yes, she wanted to get into a car with a man. That does not mean she was intending to do anything with him. She did not mention the gender of the others in the meetup group so I'm going to assumed it was a mixed event. What's the problem?

Yes I changed my mind lol... Someone suggested I understand what meetup.com is all about before I make comment and I agreed... So, this changed my position for a moment... I haven't said she was cheating but I did say it was a slap on the husband's face for the same reason I believed in my initial post. This is tantamount to the effect of saying, hey hubby, you're boring and I need to meet living souls somewhere. That's still a bizzare situation...

[Unidentified 2,930]

Yes I changed my mind lol... Someone suggested I understand what meetup.com is all about before I make comment and I agreed... So, this changed my position for a moment... I haven't said she was cheating but I did say it was a slap on the husband's face for the same reason I believed in my initial post. This is tantamount to the effect of saying, hey hubby, you're boring and I need to meet living souls somewhere. That's still a bizzare situation...

Ah, that would be me, sorry didn't see it was from the same person

Why is it so horrible to hang out with others when you're married? Did you/will you stop hanging out with your friends ones your married? Will you stop making friends when you get married? Like someone new start at your job, you will not socialize with that person because that person came into your life after you got married?

I love my fiance and I really like his friends. But that doesn't mean I don't want to make my own friends. My fiance even encourage me to get some female friends (his friends are mostly male) in the area so that I can hang out with them. We love each other but that doesn't mean we're suddenly attached to the hip and can't do our own thing once in a while.

[av8or1 246]

People only get into affairs if there is something wrong with their relationship where they feel that their needs are not being met. They don't "oopsie" come out of nowhere. I say this as someone whose marriage was ended partially by an affair. Our marriage was in trouble where he got into a car with a strange woman he was giving a ride to. The main issues are safety, trust and respect.

Sorry that happened to you. However surely you are aware that it doesn't ALWAYS happen this way. Just because it can and it happened to you like this doesn't make it absolute. This is one of the things that really hack me off about many folk these days: everything and everyone simply MUST fit into a formula and that formula is one that they invented, though duplicated is usually the correct term.

I'll have you know that I've seen a good number of marriages end because of affairs that happened unexpectedly. However, unlike you and many other folk, I realize that this is JUST ONE WAY that affairs can happen, not the ONLY.

Sheesh

[D.Ba 85]

I'm surprised how terrified everybody is about GETTING A LIFT. I have done that plenty of times. Yes, on my female own, accepted lifts from male strangers.

Carpooling is totally normal here - there are internet platforms for this.

Don't be so paranoid!

[NKrishMT 17]

I agree with Tolitzpogi, when I arrived here in the US. I found out that my husband has this meetup.com app in his ipad, and so it got me curious. I am younger than him by three years, and I am still skeptic about this kind of social platform. I learned that it is a site for people with the same hobbies and activities such as hiking, biking, etc. Sounds cool right. But you know maybe it is time to spend those extra time with him and go on an adventure together. My husband explained to me that he never actually went to a meetup, and that kind of relieved me. Hehe. Ofcourse I want him to have friends, but I don't want him to be surrounded by possible temptations that could lure him into something else. I know that you only want to meet friends, I am a stay-at-home wife and I have only a few friends here in the US so I understand what you feel. But this act of planning to get in a car with strangers isn't a good idea, it's dangerous for your safety and most importantly to your marriage.

My husband and I decided to go somewhere cool (local parks, swimming, vegan restaurants) TOGETHER regularly. Have fun together. Maybe your husband is feeling insecure because of the age gap.. and so maybe it is a good idea to make him feel loved and feel secure in your marriage by hanging out and having fun with him. Maybe you could both go out and meet good friends, like church friends or relatives.

Regarding your sister-in-law. ...you know what... my sister-in-law is also b****. In February, my husband decided to take me to San Francisco so I can meet his two siblings and that includes this not-very-well-mannered sister-in-law. She was acting like an evil queen during my 3-day stay at her apartment, acting like a socialite, and criticizing me. She also denied that she speaks Ilocano ( which is our local dialect in the Philippines).. and another sister-in-law said she actually can. LOL. I am not sure what's wrong with her. I remember wearing one of my dresses and caught her looking at me from head to toe like she's threatened or something. She's also bragging that she is a germaphobe blah blah, like I care right? Haha, I don't know maybe she doesn't like me. But my husband said we shouldn't care about trying to please her, he also told me that he will confront her sister if she does the same thing again. SO you know what, let's ignore these crazy SILs. Maybe you can still be nice around her, but you don't need to worry too much about how she views you. Just focus on your husband and your marriage. I really hope that you two can work it out. I believe that one of the important things we need to learn in marriage is being humble enough to listen to each other...my husband and I had battles too (we are newlyweds too) but we talk about it, try to make things better, and most especially, learn to have fun together and make happy memories together. All the best!

Edited June 24, 2015 by NKrishMT