Marital woes

[JohnOconner 5]

Ontarkie described my thoughts exactly...informing your partner of your plans is not the same as seeking permission.

I did tell my husband yesterday that I knew he wouldn't be interested and he agreed. He says he's perfectly fine not needing to meet new friends and I accept that. But he has had the luxury of knowing the same friends for 15-30 years whereas I'm generally new to the US and am trying to fit in somewhere. And I thought it'll be good to start with people who have been through the same experience of adjustment and transition. Perhaps I should have asked ahead but I don't want to appear as if I'm seeking his permission to make new friends.

[marriedguy 34]

Affairs start like this, an innocent car ride with a male of other sex, and if the girl is beautiful, the male will try his best to act innocent to gain friendship.

I have seen this in real life, so all the women out there who tell me it is perfectly ok for a male female meetup, give me a break, you are married, your husband should be the focus, why did you not try to meet girls ?. He was right on getting angry, I would do the same.

My friends ex wife was in same situation, she came from a other country, my friend was a nice guy, he was ok with everything, and there was a guy at her work who said he will take her to work every day as her house was on the way, husband said ok and the next thing you know his ex wife and this man were in a full blown affair.

and his wife one day ran away with this man.

Poor guy he is still in depression and shock.

Talk about feminism and female equality.

And for guys keep one eye open always.

This is going to sound so bizarre but I'll start anyway. My husband and I live in a sprawling suburban area. He's the USC and I'm the non-USC spouse. I am attending grad school and been doing well on that end. However, it's also summertime now and many of the people I know aren't on campus and many of my compatriots are in my home country. At the same time, the only people my husband and I see are his sister and her husband. My SIL and I used to have a rapport but my relationship with her has deteriorated over the past year for no obvious reasons. She does not acknowledge me or even thanks me for inviting her to join us at events and our conversations are transactional in nature ("Embarrassed, when was the last time we went to XYZ?" "I think last July" "Oh, that's right"). My husband knows and acknowledges that his sister is a b**** but keeps on telling me to "be the bigger person". He has only gone out of his way once to let her know that I was offended by her behavior last year but she just pretends like nothing has happened between us. Naturally, I feel invisible and decide to take matters into my hands. I joined Meetup.com to connect with other internationals like myself and it turns out that one of the groups is having a meet-and-greet this Sunday. Since I don't have a vehicle of my own (husband and I commute and he picks me up), I asked if I could carpool with anyone because the venue would be quite a drive for my husband and he isn't the socializing type. I just thought I didn't want to trouble my husband since this was going to be my thing. The organizer kindly replied that he wouldn't mind giving me a ride and I was happy thinking that yay, someone is willing to carpool! Unfortunately, I conveyed all this to my husband and it blows up in my face because he's upset that I would even think about joining a "hook-up service" and that I would get into a car with a guy whom I've never met to go somewhere where I've never been. My husband tells me there must be something missing in my life that I am doing this and when I tell him he's being insecure, he says he's pissed off because he doesn't know what my intentions are, and that his sister was right all along about me being a gold-digger etc. And I'm like, "Seriously, she said that?" and he goes, "No, but she suspected you in the beginning and so you deserve her treatment!" As you can tell, this has blown up in my face for no good reason. I have changed my mind about going to the meetup but my husband says even if I'm not going, he doesn't want to spend Sunday with me at all. He says he couldn't care less if I don't come home. And that I ruined his upcoming birthday because of this. For reference, there is a sizeable age difference between us which might contribute to his behavior but I am hoping that rationality will prevail. I just feel so bad that he is upset by this and I honestly thought he'd be supportive cos I really just want to widen my social circle with people who share my experience. It just didn't occur to me that he'd be freaked out by someone giving me a ride just because it's a guy and I don't know him. Any kind words?

I agree with you.

If I were your husband I would be suspicious of your behavior because this hook up thing is not only bizarre but a slap on his face...

Edited June 23, 2015 by marriedguy

[Cyberfx1024 7,978]

My wife and I are very secure in our relationship and yes she does get lonely here in the USA with no family around. I would still have a problem with this if it was my wife. Yes, meetup maybe totally innocent and everything but it only takes a short amount of time before an affair happened. If I were you I would force your husband to go with you and not take no for an answer. If it was my wife coming and asking me if I wanted to go to help her meet new people and friends, I wouldn't like going but I would go for her.

[trublubu2 62]

@embarrassed, you did nothing wrong. meetup dot com is not a hookup site and has never been. affairs don't happen unless an individual wants to pursue one--it's not a given in a marriage, otherwise, why should anyone marry? it's up to each individual to turn down any advances from any outsiders with a firm, 'no thanks, i'm married.'

let's face it: your husband is old and feeling insecure about the relationship (and himself) because you're younger. his state of thinking will not bode well for the future if it persists. you reached out to him about the event and he didn't want to go. it seems that he lets his sister dump on you and bad mouth you and that's not cool. it also seems like his goal is to control you and keep you at home with him under supervision. unfortunately, none of this seems like it's going to change anytime soon--especially if both of you don't find a way to work it out.

you need to decide what you want to do in this marriage. please get counseling for yourself and for your marriage and decide how you want to proceed forward. it's your life and if you have to start over, it's not going to be easy, but it's also not the end of the world.

best of luck to you.

Edited June 23, 2015 by trublubu2

[Shauna&Wael 211]

Any person with half a brain would be pissed if their significant other agreed to meet up with a stranger and DRIVE with them somewhere. That's completely unsafe and asking for trouble. Yes, your husband already has established friends, are you going to hold that against him?

[Cheezees 1,514]

I think the marriage waters have been muddied. Wade carefully out of them. Your husband essentially called you a gold digger who deserves to be mistreated for it. While it may not have been prudent to make plans to travel with a stranger for your own safety, that response was uncalled for. Your "offense" is so bad in his mind that he doesn't even want to spend time with you as "punishment".

I prefer not to reminisce on times where you can say " Honey, do you remember when you said our marriage was a fraud, that I only married you for your money, you sided with your sister against me, and physically isolated me? Wasn't that a hoot! "

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

I think it is strange that you did not discuss this ahead of time and want it to be "your thing".

To get in a car with a total stranger picking you up for some whatever meet up is crazy and I would be pissed off too.

There are different things to do TOGETHER as well and I am sure you can find some common ground to enjoy each other.

For some personal time I suggest you find a women's group to hang with.

[Fan_Dancer 171]

What IS the age difference?

[madtownguy 164]

I don't think you should be getting rides from random male strangers, even if you're single it's not a great idea. This is something that should have probably been discussed before you got married though, neither myself or my wife would be ok with having a friend of the opposite sex. It's inconsiderate. You can have couples that are friends, or single same sex friends. You either believe in this set up or you don't, if you have different views then someone will have to change or the relationship won't work. The girls that I've dated that believe in having male friends instantly became only friends with benefits to me, I wasn't raised in a family that my Dad hung out with other girls and my Mom vice versa so maybe it's just what you're use to. I hope you figure it out, but I definitely don't think your husband is over reacting, my wife would cut my balls off if I did that. I would probably just go to the strip club. We have very different anger outlets ha ha.

[madtownguy 164]

What IS the age difference?

This should have nothing to do with the problem, it's typical with dating younger or older people. Some people believe it's ok to keep friends of the other sex when in a relationship and some do not. Usually they are on both side of the spectrum and not in the middle. In the end women and men have nothing in common and sensual tension will always be present. Those that believe in other sex friends are probably a lot more likely to cheat because they are faced with a lot more chances to.

[Hotter Otter 1,211]

Affairs start like this, an innocent car ride with a male of other sex, and if the girl is beautiful, the male will try his best to act innocent to gain friendship.

I have seen this in real life, so all the women out there who tell me it is perfectly ok for a male female meetup, give me a break, you are married, your husband should be the focus, why did you not try to meet girls ?. He was right on getting angry, I would do the same.

Talk about feminism and female equality.

And for guys keep one eye open always.

We are so lucky to have your detailed insights on love and relationships. Glad you know all about how men and women act so that the rest of us don't need to think that everyone is different.

So many people in this thread must be insecure about their relationships. Sad.

[j&ana 363]

If I were your husband I would be suspicious of your behavior because this hook up thing is not only bizarre but a slap on his face...

why?

[elmcitymaven 9,711]

We are so lucky to have your detailed insights on love and relationships. Glad you know all about how men and women act so that the rest of us don't need to think that everyone is different.

So many people in this thread must be insecure about their relationships. Sad.

Thank you, Otter. I thought I was going crazy! We are all -- men and women alike -- creatures with agency. We can choose or not choose to stray outside the marriage. If you are secure in your relationship, there is either no or minimal temptation to cheat. Four of my best friends in this town are men. Two of them are my exes! I frequently see them without having my significant other chaperone me because, uh, I'm an adult and I get to have my own friends. When I'm going to hang out with any of them, sure, I mention it to my SO because I want him to know that I won't be around that evening. It's polite. He doesn't think that any boy and girl parts are going to get frisky. I have my friends of both sexes, and he has his. We trust each other because we communicate well and hurting the other would be worse than tearing off our own limbs.

While going alone in a car with a stranger is a bad idea, it's not a bad idea because somebody's pee-pee might fall into someone's hoo-hoo. It's a matter of safety -- you have no idea who this person is, where they might take you, if they might commit some crime upon you. It's totally understandable that your husband might be upset that you didn't tell him beforehand that you were going to a meetup, because telling our beloveds what our plans are is polite and respectful. It's not totally understandable that he was upset because he assumed you were going to cheat on him.

You are without friends for the summer. You want to do things that your husband is not interested in. You are allowed to have your own life. While your husband may be number 1 in your life, your very best friend, that doesn't mean you cannot do things without him. It is in our lives outside our relationships that we learn important things about our lives within our relationships. If you want this marriage to flourish, you guys need to communicate better and grow trust and respect between you. This may be me, but I would never be in a relationship where the other party wanted to control who I wanted to hang out with if the third party wasn't a threat to or a drain on me.

[SusieQQQ 11,584]

I would be upset if my spouse went online, found a group of strangers to meet up with, and made plans to meet them without mentioning any of it to me beforehand.

Especially, if he asked for a ride from someone before even asking if I wanted to go or if I would drive him.

...

I'm only guessing here, but the fact that he wasn't included in ANY of this is why he is upset and thinks you are doing something suspicious.

Edit to add:

You said " I just thought I didn't want to trouble my husband since this was going to be my thing."

As a married person, I firmly believe it is okay for each person to have their own "thing", but that involves communicating your intentions with each other so no one feels left out or insecure about it.

Any person with half a brain would be pissed if their significant other agreed to meet up with a stranger and DRIVE with them somewhere. That's completely unsafe and asking for trouble.

I agree with both these posts.

And the first is not about having affairs or hook-ups or needing permission - it's just the kind of thing you would expect your partner to share with you. "I'm feeling lonely, there is this bunch of people with (x) interest which you know I share and I know you'd probably be bored with it but I'd like to see what's it about".

Also my husband, I am sure, would rather drive me halfway across the state than let me get in a car with a stranger from the internet. Because it's unsafe.

But tbh, for the response to all the above to be to repeat a concern from a family member about being a gold-digger...well that points to a deeper problem and I think the suggestion of marriage counselling is a good one.

[av8or1 246]

Holy ####### y'all, are you kidding me? Absolutely, this is how "unintentional" affairs begin. Crazy to think otherwise, safety issues of being alone in a car with a stranger from the Internet aside (they should be a given). I would not have reacted that severely if my wife had done this (saying that his sister was correct, etc.) but I would definitely not be happy with the situation.

Oh I won't even get started on this one. Y'alls relationship is in DEEP trouble already and you don't even know it. From both ends. I'll keep fingers crossed that you make it through, since I don't like seeing marriages end, generally speaking. GL, you'll need it.