Help! My fiance is not ready to get married after 8 months of waiting for K1 to be approve

[MinCharlie 7]

My fiance ( 57 ) and I (40) have been dating for 14 years long distace. It took so long because I have to wait for his kids to grow up, wait for his divorce to finalized and finally he is officially divorce last Sep2014.

We were so exicited compiling everything for the K1 application in Oct2014. He hired a lawyer to help becuase he doesnt want any mistakes and he want me to be with him fast.

We had a "pre wedding photo session" and a wedding reception ( for my family and friends here but nothing is sign legally) We even went for our "honeymoon" in March2015

Everthing was going great until last month when we both went back to our country from a vacation. He sounded cold on the phone but still would say he loves me. I feel that he may need times to sort out his things ( he got a new house and a land for us, he was so ready for me to go live with him) So I thought he is stressing out because of settling into the house, land and his work. I suggested we went on a break by not talking on the phone.

Few days later when I text him if we could talk, he said no and he needed time to thinkg about our future.

Few more days later, I text him again to see if we could talk.

His respond was like a knife that stab right into my heart : He does not believe he could go through with brining me to America and that he is happy the 14 years we had together but he is not ready to get married again

I did not respond to him after that hurtful text. A week later, I text him again to tell him I miss him, at the same time I also wrote him a letter about how much fun we had and I know he loves me, also asked him what had happend between us. I even wrote down the pros and cons if he gave up now. He said thank you for the mail although he is still unsure about having me over to America.

Today, again I have to be the one text him to ask if he read my mail.

He did but he still cannot go through with this. When I asked what is the core problem ? he can take as long as he need but let me know how he is doing form time to time.

Another hurtful text : that he is convinced he does not want to get married again to anyone!

When I asked if he still loves me. He said yes and he will always loves me!

Then I asked he wants to grow old alone?

He just said maybe he can text me again tomorrow!

In the past 14 years, there are a few times he was unsure about us but I convinced him he indeed loves me, so we are always back together. But I am not sure now if I will lose him forever

Please help!! What can I do to convince him again?

[Project_Harajuku 28]

Wow I'm so sorry about that. After waiting for 14 years that must be a hurtful blow. You said your application was prepared in Oct 2014 so hAve you received an NOA2 as yet? Is he planning on canceling the petition?

[JohnR! 5,495]

However hard it may sound, let go and move on with your life. It seems you've wasted 14 years with this person and there is always the possibility he has been less than honest with you during this time. Take charge of your life, sever communications and be happy with someone who will love you unconditionally.

[MinCharlie 7]

No, NOA2 still not approved.

The good news is he has not withdraw the application yet. So I think he may still considering this whole thing.

I know him, he is the one who needs a lot of time to think. I really wish he could think it through this time.

Right now I just want to die

[trublubu2 62]

wow. how can i say this as succinctly but as nicely as possible?

this man is a lying dirtbag. he's been playing with you for 14 years and had no intentions of marrying you. i'm sorry, i really am. you wasted a lot of time with someone who's been toying with you (telling you to wait while he lived his life with his wife and kids in another country for 14 years, wasting your youth and time, going through the motions of a fake marriage scam--including pics, reception and honeymoon).

i would recommend that you leave him alone because he's not worth the trouble and sounds like he would have treated you horribly if he'd been able to get you in a position where he had control over your life: i.e., bringing you to america away from your family and friends, and having to be dependent on him.

may i ask--did he ever give you the NOA1 filing number from when he claimed he filed for you in October 2014? i fear that he may have even lied to you about doing the k-1.

so sorry that you are going through with this, and i know you don't want to hear this--but this abandonment he just did, may have been the best thing as now you are free to find someone else who will love you for real, with honesty and integrity.

please find a way to heal and i wish you all the best for your future.

p.s. -- you said you had to convince him a few times that he loved you? that right there was a HUGE red flag--adults know whether they love someone or not. you can't convince or make anyone else love you. it doesn't work.

p.p.s -- you said that you just want to die. please don't do anything to make that a reality or feel you deserve his bad behavior towards you. he's the horrible person in this situation. it doesn't feel like it right now, but you'll gradually feel better as time passes--i felt just as bad during my divorce--it will take time but eventually you'll be back to your old self. you have received a gift of a second chance to go out and build a new life for yourself.

Edited June 16, 2015 by trublubu2

[novedsac 355]

If you haven't been able to convince him in fourteen years, there's not really anything else you can do at this point.

It sounds like he is the one that needs to do some convincing, but I suspect he already has and coming to terms with that realization is what is causing the trouble between the two of you.

I'm all for an extended courtship, but fourteen years through his divorce and kids growing up ... seems a bit selfish on his part.

Good luck.

[yuna628 9,527]

I cannot comment on the actions of this man, except to say they are incredibly strange to me... but I will ask and I hope it will not cause offense: Do you have actual evidence that the petition was ever actually filed? Do you have evidence that he actually divorced? And was there anything unusual you can think of or that he said or did during that ''honeymoon trip''?

[MinCharlie 7]

Yes. I saw the divorce degree and I have a case number from NOA1. He email that receipt to me. Everything is so genuine. I don't think he was playing with me. He might just have cold feet

The honeymoon trip was fantastic. After that we met again in May and tha's when he acted quiet and refuse to plan a future meet up trip. We usually will plan our next trip when or before we met

When I was in Housto with him, he evacuated from the hurricane with me instead of evacuated with his then family. When it comes to life and death situation, he picked me. That's why I know he loves me

Edited June 16, 2015 by MinCharlie

[bublik 26]

Yes. I saw the divorce degree and I have a case number from NOA1. He email that receipt to me. Everything is so genuine. I don't think he was playing with me. He might just have cold feet

The honeymoon trip was fantastic. After that we met again in May and tha's when he acted quiet and refuse to plan a future meet up trip. We usually will plan our next trip when or before we met

When I was in Housto with him, he evacuated from the hurricane with me instead of evacuated with his then family. When it comes to life and death situation, he picked me. That's why I know he loves me

I will try to put it as nicely as I can.

NO, this man doesn't love you. Love is an action word and it means caring about well being of a person. He asked you to put your life on hold for 14 years!!! You wasted your live waiting for this assclown. You missed your youth, you missed the chance to build a normal life with a man that would devote himself to your happiness.

While he didn't miss anything. He has a wife, kids, family. I have no idea what happened in your life that made you so co-dependent that this kind of life seems like a good option for you.

I have only one advice- therapy, intense, immediately. You still have time to recover, get better, and maybe find a man for a normal healthy relationship.

By the way, if you need to 'convince' him, this is a sign of an extremely unhealthy situation. Why do you value yourself so little? Why you think you are so worthless that you need to convince anybody to be with you? I suspect, you had a very difficult upbringing, but you can't keep living your life like this. You are 40 years old, time to take charge of your own life.

And, obvioulsy, forget about him. Stop all contact immediately. You are a beautiful, worthy person, you have so much to give, you are very valuable just because you exist. You are worthy of a person who will feel lucky to be with you. Please, please, start therapy... Just go and describe what you wrote here- you don't even have to say anything.

[Darnell 8,478]

Houston? I suggest you wait at least another week, as we're due for a mother of a tropical storm circa 4:00 AM on Tuesday Morning.

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

So he did not evacuate with his children but he picked you ? I guess he won't get a father of the year award but man, that's cold.

You can't convince someone to love you. Love flows freely or it doesn't, why be so desperate to force love ?

He is trying to convince you that he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with you, when someone tells you the truth about them then listen.

It would be to your benefit to explore why you want to be with a man who was stringing you along for 14 years, married and all.

It took so long because he had to wait for his kids to grow up ? Seriously ?

If you were the other woman for 14 years then I am afraid you are experiencing life on the other side of the fence currently.

I do not understand your desperation for this man and hope you will discover your self worth some day.

Forget the visa, forget this man.

[Pitaya 2,576]

~Moved from K1 Process to Effects of Major Family Changes on US immigration Forum~

~Similar topics are often discussed at this forum~

[TBoneTX 43,020]

When I was in Housto with him, he evacuated from the hurricane with me instead of evacuated with his then family. When it comes to life and death situation, he picked me. That's why I know he loves me

That was in 2008. People and feelings change.

he is happy the 14 years we had together but he is not ready to get married again

he is convinced he does not want to get married again to anyone!

He's told you the answer twice.

It's a cliche, but "it's not you; it's him."

Good things end, too.

It's now your chance to sever ties and look ahead to something even better.

[Unidentified 2,930]

My fiance ( 57 ) and I (40) have been dating for 14 years long distace. It took so long because I have to wait for his kids to grow up, wait for his divorce to finalized and finally he is officially divorce last Sep2014.

We were so exicited compiling everything for the K1 application in Oct2014. He hired a lawyer to help becuase he doesnt want any mistakes and he want me to be with him fast.

We had a "pre wedding photo session" and a wedding reception ( for my family and friends here but nothing is sign legally) We even went for our "honeymoon" in March2015

Everthing was going great until last month when we both went back to our country from a vacation. He sounded cold on the phone but still would say he loves me. I feel that he may need times to sort out his things ( he got a new house and a land for us, he was so ready for me to go live with him) So I thought he is stressing out because of settling into the house, land and his work. I suggested we went on a break by not talking on the phone.

Few days later when I text him if we could talk, he said no and he needed time to thinkg about our future.

Few more days later, I text him again to see if we could talk.

His respond was like a knife that stab right into my heart : He does not believe he could go through with brining me to America and that he is happy the 14 years we had together but he is not ready to get married again

I did not respond to him after that hurtful text. A week later, I text him again to tell him I miss him, at the same time I also wrote him a letter about how much fun we had and I know he loves me, also asked him what had happend between us. I even wrote down the pros and cons if he gave up now. He said thank you for the mail although he is still unsure about having me over to America.

Today, again I have to be the one text him to ask if he read my mail.

He did but he still cannot go through with this. When I asked what is the core problem ? he can take as long as he need but let me know how he is doing form time to time.

Another hurtful text : that he is convinced he does not want to get married again to anyone!

When I asked if he still loves me. He said yes and he will always loves me!

Then I asked he wants to grow old alone?

He just said maybe he can text me again tomorrow!

In the past 14 years, there are a few times he was unsure about us but I convinced him he indeed loves me, so we are always back together. But I am not sure now if I will lose him forever

Please help!! What can I do to convince him again?

So if I get this straight the two of you were together while he was still married (I assume a divorce can't take 10+ years)... I'm sorry to break it to you but most men who have an affair never really get together with the person they're having an affair with. And if he haven't tried to get you over to the states in 14 years that should be proof enough. If he really loved you, he would have brought you over despite the kids. Kids are resilient.

I'm sorry you're going through this, and I am sorry he strung you along for 14 years.

[MinCharlie 7]

The divorce took 7 years to finalized. We dated for 6 years before he started the divorce. He told me he was single when we started dating. He only tell me the truth 3 years after we dated. So I waited 3 years for his kids to grow older then he initiated the divorce. It was finalized last year sept2014. And we started the k1 Oct2014. Almost immediately after the divorce. The reason I believe he is genuine was he wouldn't have started the K1 if he is playing with me.

Edited June 16, 2015 by MinCharlie