I am deeply hurt :((

[NikLR 13,220]

Hubs and I finally spent an anniversary together this year. It's our 3rd.

I agree with t-bone and everyone else about explaining it financially.

[Unshakable Faith 493]

Kudos on the gig at MicroSoft - I say stop talking with her in any form for 2 weeks, then restart a new conversation.

Please don't take this advice, this won't make anything better. You become one when you're married- you don't simply stop talking to them for 2 weeks like it's high school!

[Lemonslice 4,549]

You can also remind your wife that she should enjoy her time home too... and that it might be worth much more than being with you (no offense meant!). Once you are together, there are many events she will miss in her home country. It is not fun, but it is the reality of being so far away. If she is super emotional now, it might be good for her to find strategies on how she/you will deal with those times in the future. Discuss future weddings, visits, funerals...

[onye uwaoma 131]

I just want to vent here.

I had a big argument with my wife, she wants me to live with her in country.

I was there for 5 months with her in her country, just came back in march, I got a recent good job in Microsoft. in Redmond. Only two months now, cannot take any vacations.

My wife's case will be closed soon, her's is CR1 , she might get a interview in July. Our one year anniversary is in middle of june. My wife wants me to be there with her.

Yes I understand the fact it is important to be there because it is our one year. But looking at my circumstance that i got a new job, our papers are not yet approved, as i know for sure they might call my work to check my AOS.

She just does not understand this, and we constantly argue.

I told her, you want me to come for one day and burn $3000 just for the trip, or come for your interview. she says come and stay with her.

She does not understand how important it is to keep a job. People are struggling to find good jobs, and here I am asked to quit.

Family is important but in order to survive one needs money as well. What I am i doing wrong ?

I am loosing my mind.

Are some women like this ?

This is a huge red flag and I mean it... True Love has never been selfish and unconscionable... Edited May 28, 2015 by onye uwaoma

[marriedguy 34]

I had a good job with a financial company, I resigned that job just to be with her for 5 months, I think people are different, she wants me to be with her. At the same time I realize if our marriage does not work as you said, my job will support me.

Let's imagine for the moment, that you do not have the money. Then the trip could not happen - do you feel you would still be getting pressure to make it happen, and guilted in the future because you would not borrow to make it happen? or would it be a partnership decision? one to think about for the future.

It is possible to make the separation anxiety less, with daily Skype, and small handwritten gifts in the post, surprise 'togetherness' things from you to her showing her how much you love and miss her?

Then...turning the coin over, If I was being brutal here, I would say that her dreams and wishes need jobs and hard cash to support them, and the new job will be supporting you if the relationship goes away, so do not do anything to lose the job. To expect you to do these things without listening to you and your feelings can cause resentment.

Are you the mature person in the relationship who is always being expected to fix things?

If so, will that change over time - how will that happen?

She is young. I think part of it has to do with her being young and immature.

It sounds a bit like your wife might be very young. You're going to have to just stop getting upset and present her with a loving, gentle, but rational wall: "No, honey, we can't do that. Here's why."

Just because one partner wants something that's such an obvious bad idea both financially and reasonably doesn't mean that the other one has to cave in and do what they want just to keep the peace.

Be the grownup, if she won't. This separation is hard on everyone, for sure.

What makes you think it is a huge red flag ?

This is a huge red flag and I mean it... True Love has never been selfish and unconscionable...

[marriedguy 34]

She is being unreasonable,

I hope after all this, things will be better.

OP she may be just scared and think your presence at the interview will

give her a better chance at approval, but assure her you need to stay in the

job and prepare for her arrival. I would not bicker over it just tell her U wont

be there.

As to you living there until she's approved and her jealousy seems like you

will be put on a short leash, start now to assert your positions or this will be

the way things will become in the future, she is being unreasonable. Good luck

I think you did not read the post clearly. I am US citizen and I am sponsoring for my wife.

So, it's all about money and not family, love, and the like? Sounds like you got your green card and that's all that you seem to care about.

FRAUD seems a real possibility here.

Too bad there is not a way for people here to report such fraud claims !!

Hope she understands this.

I think the issue here is the big picture and your wife not seeing it.

Most of us on here know what its like to be apart but if you realise that there's going to be an end to that stage then it will be easier. Explain to her that it is only a temporary thing and that you are working hard at your job so that you have a better life together when she moves. I hope it gets easier for you both.


And the prize for missing the point of the OP's post by several miles has been claimed.

Thanks for the advice.

OP: As a woman I can understand that your wife may be finding it hard to cope with the distance. It takes a lot out of anyone. The best thing you can do in this instance is be supportive and communicate a lot.

But as a woman who is a sensible person, I know my fiance would kill to have a job at Microsoft and though the location is far from where I live and even further from family and friends, I'd live with him there if he had a job like that in a heartbeat. No doubt you'll make very good money, enough money that she would be able to visit her family and friends more than the average person would.

To me though it seems she is missing the big picture.. and also is frightened. The reality of finally saying goodbye may be getting to her and wearing her down. She may be experiencing guilt and anxiety or pressure from outside sources. Since you have just spent a great deal of time with her, living as a married couple, the pain of saying goodbye to you may also be getting to her. You'll have to get to the root of the problem as calmly as you can and reassure her.

[onye uwaoma 131]

I had a good job with a financial company, I resigned that job just to be with her for 5 months, I think people are different, she wants me to be with her. At the same time I realize if our marriage does not work as you said, my job will support me.

She is young. I think part of it has to do with her being young and immature.

What makes you think it is a huge red flag ?

in marriage you want to have a balance and not having a spouse demanding too much of the other without consideration... red flag for a home that ends in some unreasonable demands... but like you mentioned that she's young and probably immature, this makes matter worse... Edited May 28, 2015 by onye uwaoma

[marriedguy 34]

Distance and time apart does destroy relationships, I agree.

Atleast in your case, you can fly to US any time you want, as you are from Germany, but others are not fortunate.

I wanted to apply for a B1 but i highly doubt she will get it.

OP, I don't think you should necessarily be deeply hurt, as you state.

She wants you with her. She misses you. She needs your support.

I would also very much like my fiancé to stay with me in my home country until I move, or actually I would like him to live here with me permanently. But it's not going to happen, and work/finances is a reason for that.

Distance and time apart can destroy a relationship, plenty of examples here in VJ.

Skype and instant messaging are fantastic inventions, but being together is better, no doubt!

You say: "I just was with her 2 months back, some people here have not seen their husband and wife for more than a year, i tell her this and she says, she does not care about other people." > Well, yes, I would say the same thing to my F.! I would be very disappointed if he said, it's alright, we were "just" together 2 months back. After 2 months, I would be MORE than ready to meet again! I, personally, would like to hear: "The two last months seemed incredibly long, they felt like two years. I cannot wait to be with you again, I'm counting the days and I would love to hop on a plane right now." Of course, only if it's true! I'm sure your wife too would love to hear you express your emotions (stereotype: men often don't). And you certainly do long to be with her??

Yes, travel there for a day might be the most romantic thing I ever heard of, but I wouldn't expect or demand that. And I would scold my F. for spending all that money for just a day (even if he can afford it)...

I wanted to do the K1 but , realized if she gets rejected that's another long wait

That's exactly why we went the K1 route. I know myself all too well and being married to my partner without living with him was inconceivable! It's probably hard on her, being away from you. She's got to be patient.

[marriedguy 34]

You nailed it.

My wife thinks that If i could live there for 5 months, why cannot i do the same again.

I told her one day, that if she was pregnant I would be there with her, big mistake. She uses it often, why is it that if she was pregnant i will be there, but right now i cannot be with her. Well at that time the processing of papers was in early phase, now I have to keep the Job due to AOS, they might enquire at my job.

and wish you best in your marriage, you got a keeper

OP-

You have received very nice and sensible views our here on your situation, but here are my two cents as well-

Every person's situation and circumstances are different, which means you know better about your situation and circumstances than anyone else. Compromise and understanding are also important in a relationship, which is true for both partners. In your case, your wife doesn't want to compromise and obviously she lacks a bit of understanding, for sure. I understand that a separation is very hard for every wife especially when wives are from some other cultures than western ones and when they are quite young as well. Not that I'm undermining western wives...lols...but I'm going thru pretty much the same situation wherein my wife is only 18 who wants to stay always around me. And when these wives are newly married then they want to enjoy their married life than being separated. They all have dreams and hopes. I mean, in many cultures newly married ladies wear all kinds of colorful married stuffs which they don't seem to wear in the absence of their husband. This is the time, they want to be with their husband and fulfill their dreams of newly married wife...But as I said that a marriage is about understanding and compromising too. Thanks God that my wife is understandable but she is counting every second when she would be with me. I also came back in March after 5 months being there. She had a lots of dreams that she would do this and that after marriage being around me....including cooking for me...wearing all kinds of fancy clothes for me...make-up and everything for me...As I said that most young girls do have dreams as to what they would do after marriage...and they don't want to live even a day away from their husband...So I could understand your wife as to where she is coming from...

I think you should have been clear to her about your financial situation because it could be possible that you might have told her, before, that you are financially sound or that you could live at her country as well...which might make her to think otherwise like why you can't stay with her for few more months when you were able to stay there for 5 months...Try to talk it out with her...try to make her understand things...but in a respectable and loving way than getting upset with her. You have to understand that she does love you and cares for you...which is why she wants you to stay with her and not to live away from her even for a little time. No one is perfect, so try to make her understand that you guys would be needing money in the future to live a decent life and it would be waste of money if you would go there now especially when you just got a job. Try to have more and more communication with her. Communication is the key of any relationship. She would understand, trust me. She is right from her end, and you are right from your own end. All you guys are missing is- understanding from her end because she doesn't seem to understand that money is very important for any healthy and happy relationship. If one wouldn't have money then a lots of problems do come in...which cause relationships to end...Though love and caring are important, so does money. Without money it would be hard to live even in her country...or at least as comfortable as you could live with money. So money makes the world go around. But your job is- have enough communication and make her feel loved and cared...and obviously try to make her understand things. Ok. Good luck man...

I will do it and see what she says

OP, often seeing is believing. Consider compiling a budget, with income and expense items. Include current and anticipated expenses. Send it to her, with the figures perhaps converted into her country's currency. If she doesn't grasp the significance herself, she will surely show it to others who will go over it with her and explain it.

Early in our marriage, Mrs. T-B. asked to see a list of expenses. I compiled one for 4 months and showed it to her. She said, "I've never seen amounts that big." Perhaps your lady's eyes will bug out when she sees yours.

[marriedguy 34]

I wish my wife was living close to Jamaica, I would have taken trips often in a month, but this is all the way in Europe 24 hours flight.

I agree with you, I think I just look from my point of view

Don't be too hard on her. It's hard. It's been less then 24 hrs since I left hubby and I feel as if I would walk away from everything in the US and move back home today until this process is over- and i consider myself normally rational.

I agree it may be a case where showing her the budget might make a different. Ask her how would you support each other financially. I'd suggest talking about i. Actually stop saying no for a second and look into what she wants you to do. I've had the "moving home" conversation with hubby before and it turned into an argument until he started listening to me and actually looking into what it would take. I realize while discussing it it wasn't a rational or practical decision. I think I just wanted to know that he missed me as much as I missed him and understood why I wanted us together.

It gets hard esp when months have passed and you don't know when you'll see the love of your life again. It makes you start thinking worst case scenarios and thinking irrational thoughts. Don't dismiss her, try to understand where she is coming from and see if you can fix the root issue or make it better somehow. Good Luck.

[marriedguy 34]

Wonderful post thanks.

I think of her future, I told learn to drive a car, learn language, learn programming, times goes by fast, all she wants is chat with me on Facebook day and night.

Next time we have this argument, I will tell her to pay for all the bills. I want to see her response.

I'm also from Redmond and I know what an amazing opportunity like working at Microsoft is! Locals, Canadians and residents from other states really want to work there. Maybe if you showed her it is not just any job? You can really create a great career there and have a stable future financially. I also know they are very strict about time off- especially if you are new.
Ask her to set up a financial plan for you both to allow you to leave and live with her until her visa arrives.
She'll need to cover: Rent in US (even while you are gone) airplane tickets for you both to come back, living expenses in your home country, living expenses for a month while you look for a new job when you return to US.
Maybe if she sees the numbers and realizes the money for these expenses have to come from SOMEWHERE, she'll understand your point of view.
Also, this is not choosing money before love, this is ensuring her livelihood and her future.

Good advice i will keep this in mind

I would tell her " Hun I am quitting my job today and you have to come up with money to support ourselves for several months , even after we return to the U.S,because who knows how long I will be unemployed" , I have a feeling she will stop with her selfish/ childish behavior. In my opinion her behavior has nothing to do with "she is missing you", "she loves you", she is afraid", she seems out of touch with reality.

[marriedguy 34]

it's been some months since the drama started, hope things works for the best.

That is ridiculous.. Some are like that though! Well for sure that if you won't do what she wants just be ready for the drama.

[marriedguy 34]

Thanks for the reply. she could have had her interview next month, if I filled AOS right, a small mistake, now have to wait another week. This process is stressful.

Aww I completelty understand her frustration and yours as well. My husband came to live with me in my country, he lost his job to come here but then he had to go back because he has responsabilities, he has to make his car pymts, my ring pymt, work so we have the money to get me my medical and save up money for an apartment, etc. He now has a new job that doesn't allow him to come visit me, my interview will probably be july or august, there has been times where I have told him I wish he could quit and come back but I can't be selfish and irresponsible. We were so so so happy before starting this process, now not so much, you go thru a lot of stress, frustration, anxiety and it's hard it really is, but what keep us strong is the love we have to each other and knowing once this is done we will be back to be happy together again. Have serious talk with her and try to make something nice for her for your anniversary. 2 months it's nothing, there's people here who go during the entire process withouth seeing their significant others. Good Luck..!!

She does not work, she was working and then she quit, when i was with her. I told her not to quit.

Thanks for the wishes and advice.

Does your wife work? I think she may need ways to keep herself busy. You seem to be keeping busy with work, so doing relatively okay.

Long distance is never easy and people have different ways of taking out their frustration. Try being patient with her, give her more attention, encourage her to go out with family and friends. She might be feeling neglected, even if that's not the case, so try giving her more attention and let her know how much it sucks for you as well.

Try explaining the situation to her from a practical point of view but also let her know if you had your way, you would be there with her. And that you miss her as much as she does. I think she might just need to hear these reassurances from you and feel that she's not in it alone.

Sometimes the other spouse needs to step in and be the mature one when the other is being unreasonable..just be patient and gentle with her. I'm sure she'll come around. Wishing you guys a speedy journey.

What makes you say women in Armenia has the exact same issue ?

Well, based on what I read in yer timeline,

over at http://www.visajourney.com/timeline/profile.php?id=192061

I'll have to posit that all women residing in Armenia have the exact same issue.

It's interesting, she not express gratitude that you stayed with her 6 months after marriage?

Kudos on the gig at MicroSoft - I say stop talking with her in any form for 2 weeks, then restart a new conversation. IMO/E, she's being pig-headed about an issue where she refuses to do any research on her own, or takes advice from others (who happen to be knuckleheads and whose opinions aren't worth a half-tonne of used toilet paper).

you are right, it makes it twice hard for me, if she was calm and patient, I would not be this stressed.

I missed my one year anniversary with my husband because we had to be practical and save money + I had to keep my job. If she doesn't understand you're doing this for the benefit of your new life together, she's being selfish. Situations such as these really show someone's true colors. If she can't be as strong as you through the process, it makes it twice as hard on you. Think if you want to spend the rest of your life with this person.

[marriedguy 34]

Thanks , I will send her some flowers good advice.

When my husband and I spent time apart, long-distance, there were definitely days when the distance was too hard and we both made seemingly unreasonable requests. Sometimes we folded on them, sometimes we had to stick it out and not. Even now - if it turns out he has to travel for work on a birthday or anniversary, I can get pretty grumpy about it.

Distance relationships are extremely hard, and slack should be cut whenever possible and you should just remember that she clearly loves and misses you a lot, and she would probably like to hear that you love and miss her too.

A first wedding anniversary is a celebration, but when apart, she's likely going to be sad and dwell on that too (and I'd expect you will too!). Plan ahead and tell her of all the things you'll do as soon as she arrives on her CR-1, make some small gestures to remind her you're thinking of her (send some flowers once in a while? Letters celebrating how many days are left and how quickly they'll fly by, cute stuff.. you know).

And, +1 to being transparent about your finances. As a couple, that's healthy to do regardless and if she can see the money, what stuff costs, etc., she'll likely understand better - but don't expect her to suddenly not be sad anymore that you're apart.

Nice to meet you, this is one of the reasons why I do not want to take a risk.

Speaking as a current Microsoft employee in Redmond, Washington -- I can relate to this post wholeheartedly. They are extremely tough on vacation accrual and using it when you're relatively new to the company -- they recommend that you don't take any time off during your first six months of employment.

I've been under similar pressure, albeit not romantically, to visit my family back in the UK during this time, and you have to rationalize: risking a wonderful career, your future financial stability (and future stability in general) for a day (albeit an important day) is certainly not worth it. Perhaps if you planned something wonderful for you both to do once she makes it to the USA by way of compromise it may make the wait a little less hard. I for one find it easier to get through periods like this when I know there's a beautiful light at the end of the tunnel.

Yes you are right, I got myself a SlowDowner, In life one does not get everything they want i guess

Hey listen man! Once you decide to get married, you are actually becoming part of a 2 person team. In every team of 2, one either pushes the other to superior heights … or slows the other person down. So it seems you got yourself a SlowDowner instead of a Pusher.

SlowDowners rarely change in time to become Pushers … so be prepared, accept it for what it is and deal with it. Sometimes you can manage the situation and circumstances to avoid getting slowed down and may be make it have a neutral effect.

Good Luck!

[nane1104 146]

I'm sorry your wife is giving you such a hard time. This visa process is stressful and as a military wife who has been through countless separations from my husband, being apart is never easy.

But sometimes you just have to go through those times and look at the bright side of things.

In your case: By the time she has her visa and come to live with you permanently, you will be well into, if not past your "probation period" and soon, if not already, be able to take some time off for her which will be important to help her settle in- as opposed to be with her now but then be working your butt off once you both get back to the U.S. so, it's in her best interest as well that you don't quit your new job, financial benefits aside.

I'd make sure to always let her know that this is not a situation you like, but that it's important to stick it out right now and that things will be alright.

On another note...would it be possible for her to come to the U.S. for a visit? What country is she from? A friend of mine from Germany has been traveling several times back and forth until her Interview was scheduled but I am aware that she was lucky that she never had problems doing that. (She did always have prove of ties to Germany, lease, job,...). I'm just saying this could potentially be an option.

Good luck, I hope she grows to be more understanding and supporting.