I wouldn't post on here to save my life

[Unidentified 2,930]

Damara I think this thread is great! I think it is important that we bring this up. I haven't been perfect, I don't think a lot of us have.

One thing that really bugs me is when someone asks how to divorce someone and very religious people start judging them, telling them they need to work on their marriage. Even when the person who wants a divorce is being beaten and fear for their life, they get blamed for leaving the marriage. Some even goes to saying it was her own fault.

I completely respect religious people, I am a spiritual person though not religious and I respect and understand that people have different views. But please stop harassing people for trying to get out of abusive relationship. Not everyone's marriage can be saved.

It is great that you can keep your marriage together and you should make sure you can stay together forever if possible. But please do not judge others. I am not a fan of abortion (I would never go through with one) but I don't judge people who has gone through abortions and being mean to them.

What I was trying to say is: even if the person has done something that goes beyond your religious or moral beliefs, try to be helpful instead of judging and being mean.

[ExPatty 502]

I find a few posts in this thread quite amazing.

I received an infraction on this site a couple of months ago for a nonsense reason. I refused to acknowledge it, and so couldn't post. I'm only acknowledging now because this thread is quite interesting. And yes, that's germane to this discussion. Specifically, somebody said something rude to me and I PMed them a response because the thread had been locked. I wasn't more rude than they, nor used more aggressive language, but either mods were reading PMs or they complained, who knows. Anyway, I've never encountered such a level of babying on a forum ever.

This leads me to this: Are people on here saying there is MORE babying needed?

Another thing I've never experienced until I came to this forum is how profoundly stupid a lot of people's decisions are. It's impossible to give somebody advice when they are refusing to address the underlying cause of their problems. I really can't believe how naive so many people are, with so many of the strange relationships they get into with people they don't know who are clearly using them for immigration benefits. Can a person who's new spouse they barely know and is a complete imbecile really not expect to be called on it?

Quite literally every day or two there is another person posting a thread about a fairly horrific situation they found themselves in, all because they got involved with somebody and ignored all the many, massive red flags about the person. And I bet they were told the same by those in their life, but ignored it there, too. I think there is a lot of annoyance by these people that total strangers are telling them the same those in their life did and refusing to continue the fantasy they have.

[NikLR 13,220]

I find a few posts in this thread quite amazing.

I received an infraction on this site a couple of months ago for a nonsense reason. I refused to acknowledge it, and so couldn't post. I'm only acknowledging now because this thread is quite interesting. And yes, that's germane to this discussion. Specifically, somebody said something rude to me and I PMed them a response because the thread had been locked. I wasn't more rude than they, nor used more aggressive language, but either mods were reading PMs or they complained, who knows. Anyway, I've never encountered such a level of babying on a forum ever.

This leads me to this: Are people on here saying there is MORE babying needed?

Another thing I've never experienced until I came to this forum is how profoundly stupid a lot of people's decisions are. It's impossible to give somebody advice when they are refusing to address the underlying cause of their problems. I really can't believe how naive so many people are, with so many of the strange relationships they get into with people they don't know who are clearly using them for immigration benefits. Can a person who's new spouse they barely know and is a complete imbecile really not expect to be called on it?

Quite literally every day or two there is another person posting a thread about a fairly horrific situation they found themselves in, all because they got involved with somebody and ignored all the many, massive red flags about the person. And I bet they were told the same by those in their life, but ignored it there, too. I think there is a lot of annoyance by these people that total strangers are telling them the same those in their life did and refusing to continue the fantasy they have.

Actually calling someone an imbecile is against the TOS. You can say someone is making bad decisions and even point out why without name calling or being rude. Anything that attacks another person is against our TOS. So if all you have to contribute to a thread is that kind of sentiment, it's best to take Thumper's Mom's approach and don't say anything at all.

And as a note, if you are attacked in a post, you need to report it or ignore it. If you attack back, even in PM, they can report you.

[Unidentified 2,930]

I find a few posts in this thread quite amazing.

I received an infraction on this site a couple of months ago for a nonsense reason. I refused to acknowledge it, and so couldn't post. I'm only acknowledging now because this thread is quite interesting. And yes, that's germane to this discussion. Specifically, somebody said something rude to me and I PMed them a response because the thread had been locked. I wasn't more rude than they, nor used more aggressive language, but either mods were reading PMs or they complained, who knows. Anyway, I've never encountered such a level of babying on a forum ever.

This leads me to this: Are people on here saying there is MORE babying needed?

Another thing I've never experienced until I came to this forum is how profoundly stupid a lot of people's decisions are. It's impossible to give somebody advice when they are refusing to address the underlying cause of their problems. I really can't believe how naive so many people are, with so many of the strange relationships they get into with people they don't know who are clearly using them for immigration benefits. Can a person who's new spouse they barely know and is a complete imbecile really not expect to be called on it?

Quite literally every day or two there is another person posting a thread about a fairly horrific situation they found themselves in, all because they got involved with somebody and ignored all the many, massive red flags about the person. And I bet they were told the same by those in their life, but ignored it there, too. I think there is a lot of annoyance by these people that total strangers are telling them the same those in their life did and refusing to continue the fantasy they have.

You do realize PM's have report buttons too right?

Why not just decide not to post if the thread is upsetting you that much that you feel you can't post constructively?

[mallafri76 1,012]

I find a few posts in this thread quite amazing.

I received an infraction on this site a couple of months ago for a nonsense reason. Specifically, somebody said something rude to me and I PMed them a response because the thread had been locked. I wasn't more rude than they, nor used more aggressive language, but either mods were reading PMs or they complained, who knows.

Interesting, I actually had the very same thing last month. Wonder if it's the same person we dealt with?! Someone posted a rude comment and since the thread was already closed, I sent a PM to that person saying that she was actually quite rude and she should think about how she addresses people. I wrote very nicely and she wrote a very rude reply back and then reported my message. Here I was thinking we were adults and should be able to have a discussion but apparently not?!?! I got banned for 24 hours, don't think she was, even though she was very rude but I got penalized because I politely replied back to her rude message. Apparently, you're allowed to send someone a rude message on VJ but that person can't reply back to you if you tell them you don't want messages from them???

I do agree with the original OP that there is way too much anger and rudeness on VJ. Mostly, it tend to come from the same posters though, so what I do is just block them. In "Manager Ignore Prefs", you can actually choose not to see posts, signatures and get PMs from those members. That has really made the whole VJ experience much more positive and nicer for me.

[Lauren and Kevin 55]

You should continue to hang out at the CESHT to stir the pot.

I would keep myself to the off topic section.

After many years of 'trying' to answer posts, it is getting tiring and thankless.

Plus I have no more immigration process.

The only 'regional bias' I have seen here, is that some people from certain countries are just more organized than others.

E.g the UK sub-forum, thanks to the long-time members, they have put up a well-organized and up to date guides (K1, CR1/IR1, DCF) to help their own people navigate the immigration paths.

..and on that note nich-nick and the other heavy posting members over there in the UK forum get a HUGE thankyou from me for the stress reduction that their selfless investment in time and energy in the local guides has done...!!

Edited May 27, 2015 by Lauren and Kevin

[ExPatty 502]

You do realize PM's have report buttons too right?

Why not just decide not to post if the thread is upsetting you that much that you feel you can't post constructively?

I suppose I just don't share your opinion of what constructive is. If a person's is trying to figure out a way to make a thoroughly terrible plan "work" I will question why they are trying to make it work instead of helping identify ways they can work toward an impossible goal. It is deconstructive to placate one's fantasies over extremely significant issues of long-lasting importance.

Interesting, I actually had the very same thing last month. Wonder if it's the same person we dealt with?! Someone posted a rude comment and since the thread was already closed, I sent a PM to that person saying that she was actually quite rude and she should think about how she addresses people. I wrote very nicely and she wrote a very rude reply back and then reported my message. Here I was thinking we were adults and should be able to have a discussion but apparently not?!?! I got banned for 24 hours, don't think she was, even though she was very rude but I got penalized because I politely replied back to her rude message. Apparently, you're allowed to send someone a rude message on VJ but that person can't reply back to you if you tell them you don't want messages from them???

I do agree with the original OP that there is way too much anger and rudeness on VJ. Mostly, it tend to come from the same posters though, so what I do is just block them. In "Manager Ignore Prefs", you can actually choose not to see posts, signatures and get PMs from those members. That has really made the whole VJ experience much more positive and nicer for me.

Other than for downright abusive PMs, I agree the best way to deal with a person is to put on one's big boy pants and block them. No need to cry to moderators about it. Not sure who you dealt with, but interesting to see you went through a similar experience!

[Cathi 5,610]

I find a few posts in this thread quite amazing.

I received an infraction on this site a couple of months ago for a nonsense reason. I refused to acknowledge it, and so couldn't post. I'm only acknowledging now because this thread is quite interesting. And yes, that's germane to this discussion. Specifically, somebody said something rude to me and I PMed them a response because the thread had been locked. I wasn't more rude than they, nor used more aggressive language, but either mods were reading PMs or they complained, who knows. Anyway, I've never encountered such a level of babying on a forum ever.

This leads me to this: Are people on here saying there is MORE babying needed?

Another thing I've never experienced until I came to this forum is how profoundly stupid a lot of people's decisions are. It's impossible to give somebody advice when they are refusing to address the underlying cause of their problems. I really can't believe how naive so many people are, with so many of the strange relationships they get into with people they don't know who are clearly using them for immigration benefits. Can a person who's new spouse they barely know and is a complete imbecile really not expect to be called on it?

Quite literally every day or two there is another person posting a thread about a fairly horrific situation they found themselves in, all because they got involved with somebody and ignored all the many, massive red flags about the person. And I bet they were told the same by those in their life, but ignored it there, too. I think there is a lot of annoyance by these people that total strangers are telling them the same those in their life did and refusing to continue the fantasy they have.

Yes, I too am dumbfounded by how completely and utterly naive and gullible some people are. Not to mention that so many of the people who post these horrific, almost unbelievable stories refuse to listen to the advice they came here to ask for in the first place. I understand that love can make people blind, but for some it makes them totally and completely stupid. I also don't understand for the life of me why people come to an immigration site asking for marriage advice. For instance; if your spouse is abusing you, cheating on you, refusing to contribute financially to the marriage when they are perfectly able and they are spending all of your money like there is no tomorrow and could care less that you are on the brink of financial ruin, there is no reason to come here and ask what to do. Use common sense and get out. Seriously, have some self respect, divorce and move on. But hey, those types of posts make for good entertainment.

[Villanelle 4,121]

Ebunoluwa- Oh my, no no no. This isnt about that. I mean it is but it isnt. but like I said, I dont want it to be about any one thing specifically. Of course I was wrong there. I didnt do it on purpose! But just like you said, my tone came off as harsh. So harsh in fact I caused the OP to shrink from the thread and seek advice from a 3rd party user via PM who then posted on their behalf in the thread as they were asked questions they didnt have the answers to. This is saddening to me- I did that. (Ironically enough the post was then removed as a violation of the TOS for revealing information from a PM! I, a member behave badly, the OP is scared to participate, still tries to seek help, and the 'laws' say you gotta come back and dance with the wolves if you want help or get lost- oh my. They came back because they wanted help, they needed it, and I dont think I ever still had the guts to apologize directly to them because I dont know if they think I was sincere..)

I look at what has been referred to as the "Fiji" posting, which granted is in another sub section as its a waiver topic primarily, but it meets all the criteria for a major effects topic and many of the same frequent users in this area commented. I dont know how many ventured over to the other I will not name forum to see what that thread looks like but wow. Just wow.

The information in both- from him, its basically the same. In that one, yeah he laid it out better because he was more prepared. But their responses dont contain that much more then he was getting here except these were heaped with personal judgements and abuse. So he left here for there.

Theres just so many examples of 'bad' and I really dont want to be pointing out the bad. Id rather look towards finding something thats good.

If theres no cohesive feeling of a collective here, then yeah its going to get nasty because then it is each person for themselves and thats sad. What kind of community is that. What ties it together?

I think one of the best 'sections' on here, where everyone can take a page from how members behavior and respect each other is the VAWA section. I know its not an official sub-section. But they do have 6 threads now. The first 5 are 200 pages EACH. So thats a pretty decent chunk of real estate. Mods rarely if ever get on the thread because of a frequent members actions. Its only when an outsider comes on and starts spewing abuse or rants about the vawa process that mod action is taken. The posts are generally removed quietly.

Because the VAWA is a special judgment free zone- it really is remarkable. The people there actually respect each other, there are a few that are respected more of course but when someone says- hey thats enough, because someones repeating or begging for attention or came of as rude or a bad tone, or scolding on anothers behalf- thats it, its over. It doesnt spiral into every one having to throw in their 2 cents.

People come there and are told to literally read all 5 threads, thats 1000 pages of information before posting and asking questions. Theres no anger when its said, nor at the fact the same info has been provided countless times condensed in those pages. They all support and congratulate each other- even when someone moves faster then them.

The concept that- well this is the internet, you can never get people to respect each other, it is what it is,. I think its bull. The vawa thread shows an example of good. People will behave as good or as bad as they are allowed to. There was a thread not so long ago, but I dont know I have an odd perception of time, from those in what I like to call the 'hate forum'. Im sorry I dont know the official name of it. Its the rauncy off topic section where pretty much anything goes. I know it was suppose to be skewed off from the semi-serious off topic area way back when to give them not so serious off topics and the serious off topic elbow room.

Well the thread was from the not so serious off topics saying (paraphrasing) omg how hateful is our area right now? Seriously? The hate area is being overrun with hate?? How hateful is the site becoming? Its like the pink slime from ghostbusters got out. and now I aged myself.

[Jawaree 717]

Geez interesting thread !

So I think AN EXAMPLE : I am from the Phillipines CR1 3 mths & my husband no longer wants to be with me ANSWERS mostly: Go home. why would you want to stay here, the US is hard, why stay if he's not with you etc

AN EXAMPLE: I am from AU my fiancé no longer wants to marry , but he wants me to stay in US

ANSWERS : You can talk it over with him,maybe he has could feet because U desire a big wedding,

men get like that re: wedding plans, seel counseling etc

I have no probs with these answers on either side I just think at times these answers are unevenly dispensed

and we are ppl behind a PC so ppl will say whatever , some ppl are just mean, there really is no sugar-coating

to be kind & even then regularly I now get banned & post removed ..but with this tread the dialog seems good & will give the real owners of this forum an idea how posters feel....I don't think I post in this area much, but

yea this thread is OK ....some mods would get fired if it was a real job...have a great day ppl

OFF to Games Tread

[GGG1975 9]

I have to say that I understand the post. I was hit with a lot of negative feedback and people can be heartless. However, you also have to be able to look beyond the negativity. I also established one-on-one relationships that were much more helpful than posting something to the masses. I even established a relationship with another individual going through the same process and 2 years from the time we connected on this site we had breakfast in NYC along with with my spouse. It was like everything came full circle.

This site has been helpful with timeline info, general information, and finding people with similiar issues. I wish people could be nicer and understanding that this is and can be a stressful situation. Sometimes you just need a place to vent. However, I would highly recommend establishing a support group, with people you trust sharing your feelings before sharing everything on VJ.

Just an example of how ugly it can get, I had someone tell me to go hang myself. So crazy. Luckily, I didn't take their advice. .

Just remember it's not VJ, it's individuals. We are all imperfect people trying to live in this world. Sometimes you're going to come across crazy.

[SantyAndAllie 155]

I have to say that I understand the post. I was hit with a lot of negative feedback and people can be heartless. However, you also have to be able to look beyond the negativity. I also established one-on-one relationships that were much more helpful than posting something to the masses. I even established a relationship with another individual going through the same process and 2 years from the time we connected on this site we had breakfast in NYC along with with my spouse. It was like everything came full circle.

This site has been helpful with timeline info, general information, and finding people with similiar issues. I wish people could be nicer and understanding that this is and can be a stressful situation. Sometimes you just need a place to vent. However, I would highly recommend establishing a support group, with people you trust sharing your feelings before sharing everything on VJ.

Just an example of how ugly it can get, I had someone tell me to go hang myself. So crazy. Luckily, I didn't take their advice. .

Just remember it's not VJ, it's individuals. We are all imperfect people trying to live in this world. Sometimes you're going to come across crazy.

True, but still no excuse for people acting like jerks. Telling you to hang yourself? That's repulsive!

And to the poster above talking about being reported for responding civilly to a rude commenter, that's quite obnoxious, too!

Can't blame all the mods, though. They all have lives outside of VJ and have to keep up with a lotttt of nonsense (we all see it everyday hahaha). I especially appreciate having TBone! It's great to have a moderator repping your consulate who has gone through the whole process already!

In sum, I think most of us appreciate having a forum like this to relate to others but also would prefer that people be mindful of the way in which they are responding to others.. And also whether it's necessary to post in certain threads at all because maybe our post isn't as helpful as we'd like it to be. That helps keep our community a much nicer and safer place. (But of course, an occasional blocking/reporting will inevitably, like the previous comment says, sometimes be necessary.)

My fiancé and I, too, have met and developed relationships with people from VJ. There are a lot of really great members on here.

Edited May 27, 2015 by SantyAndAllie

[TBoneTX 43,058]

Folks, the VJ Moderation team wanted to let this thread run for as long as possible. It really belonged better in the Site Discussion forum, but it was left where it was. Disturbing personal attacks have been left visible, and the importation of drama from other threads (continual, here) would have been promptly disallowed in any other thread. However, because neither of the above factors shows signs of abating, the consensus now is that this thread should be closed, and that it's not to be restarted or referred to elsewhere.

Some solid observations and worthy points were made, and that's good. One of the best (paraphrased) is "If civility is to be, it's up to me." Review the Terms of Service; when something in a thread disturbs you enough that you're inclined to respond hotly or in "ready, fire, aim" fashion, return to the Terms of Service to see which of its items is being stepped on. If you identify one or more, then -- rather than engaging the alleged offender directly -- hit the "Report" button. Handling reports is why the Moderators are paid the big bucks.

Again, thanks for the constructive input.

TBoneTX

for VJ Moderation