Irrational husband adjustment issues and removal of condition

[sailorgal 33]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through but I think it is time to face the reality of the situation. You said so yourself that he was desperate to come, but was that only to be with you? No. It was also because he saw US as a land of opportunities and wanted to make money and then go back home. And I might sound rude on this one but jobs like landscaping, dish washing and cleaning would make it possible for him to go back home once in a while with your help but building a house out there and fulfilling any other dreams he had about going back would be impossible. And may be he realizes this. May be he knows that without your help he won't even make it back home and that is what makes him come back to you every time he leaves and not cause he loves or misses you. He wouldn't be treating you such if he truly felt a sense of attachment, love and respect towards you. And about going long distance again, how do you know that he is going to wait for you? May be he is already seeing somebody out there and not being able to be with them or go back home is making him act the way he has been. And even if after retirement you leave everything for him and go to his country, that's if he waits, I'm sure he'll find reasons to complain again cause there he won't have a mattress or a bed to fight upon with you but your past, which he obviously can't get over!, would continue to bother him even then. So why would you give yourself such pain, care for a man who won't treat you right, pay for his food, clothes and everything, buy him a ticket back home just so he can blame you for getting him out there. I don't see removing the conditions as a smart and practical choice on your end. He'll continue to be his cranky-self even if you provide him with everything like you are right now and then probably also blame you for removing the conditions and helping him get a green card. Some day he might even start thinking that you have some selfish motives for making him stay and removing the conditions even with him behaving badly with you (which I'm sure he realizes cause you said he says sorry but seldom takes responsibility for his behavior). I think many of his issues have to do with his low self-esteem probably cause he hasn't been able to make money the way he thought he would and he has to depend upon you and knows he can't leave you or he would have no money. So you have to get practical here. Letting go would be the hardest part ever but you are a kind hearted and brave woman to have put up with all of this and you deserve better and I'm sure you will get it.

Good luck and take care.

[RUSH HOUR 47]

No man should ever treat a woman this poorly!

[NikLR 13,220]

No man should ever treat a woman this poorly!

No person should ever treat another this poorly.

[Gosia & Tito 199]

Hi All,

I am the USC, and brought my husband on a K1 visa.

He's been here about 2 years and it's almost time to remove conditions.

Here is my issue (long post, I'm sorry)

From the beginning, he declared he doesn't like it here. He desperately wanted to come, imagining the US as the land of milk and honey, and an easy way to make money. He had severe adjustment issues, and in addition to feeling homesick and lonely and frustrated, he kept finding everything wrong with the US and it's people, constantly stating that his country and his countrymen are so much better.

It got so bad that he went home for 5 months, but then declared that he missed me and really wanted to return.

My perception is, that he decided that everything is bad here,and he barely tries to find friends, be nice to my friends or go out of his way to adjust.

I have tried to be understanding, and support him as much as I can - and turned into an enabler who tries to fulfill every whim he has.

As a result, we are now flat broke, and I am deeply in debt (all in my name).

He has used our credit cards to buy things without my knowledge.

He gets mad at the drop of a hat, and we have had many drag-out fights, during which he has done things like jump out of the car, declaring he was going to live in the streets now, demanding I buy him a ticket home, threatening to rip up the marriage certificate and so on.

During fights, he keeps telling me that I brought him here, so it's my responsibility to get him home again.

His anger gets out of control, and he will be very confrontational not just to me, but also to other people, if there is a perceived slight.

Rules do not apply to him, and while he is always sorry after one of those fights, he does not take any responsibility or admit that it might be something in his behavior, that is the problem.

He constantly states he is here to make money, so he can eventually return to his country and build a house there. When he does find a job, it never lasts more than 5 or 6 weeks (landscaping, dishwasher, cleaning). Sometimes it is not his fault, but he has quit jobs in a fit of anger (at me), or will threaten to quit because he wants to elicit a reaction.

I also have to add that he is a heavy pot smoker, so a lot of money goes towards that. I hate it, and I wonder if some of our issues do stem from his use, though he denies that it has any effect. I have asked him to quit many times, but it is a losing battle.

When things are good, he is very loving and we have a great relationship, playful, affectionate and fun. Then I feel he is the right man, the only man I ever want.

But he can drop on a dime, and will needle me with things that push my buttons until I get angry.

His main issue right now is my past and previous boyfriends. He implied that he considers me a #######, because I had many short-term relationships before him.

He demanded I get rid of our mattress (because previous boyfriends had slept over) and even that I burn the bed.

Now mind you, he had extensive relations before me as well....

I think this is mainly a way to assert himself and manipulate me into feeling guilty (which I don't. My past is my past, and I make no excuses. It's none of his business).

But I'm tired of him trying to belittle me and trying to make me feel bad about it.

I have asked him many times to not talk about my previous relationships or throw them in my face. He promises, but then he starts again the next day.

I usually try to remove myself from the argument (even leaving the house for an hour or so), but lately, he will follow me closely from room to room, taunting me.

Recently he woke up in the morning angry (we had a wonderful evening the night before), started talking about "why did you marry me. You should have married "so-and-so", talked himself into a frenzy (which I stayed calm, because the whole thing was so absurd).

He told me he was quitting his job (my red flag, because we need him to work and at least pay for his car - I pay all the other bills).

Then he called his boss, told him he was not coming to work and dragged a packed suitcase to the car and left.

I did see him sitting in the car for a while, so I think he was waiting for me to stop him, beg him not to go...whatever.

When I didn't, he left, but of course he was back in the evening, and not before he didn't send me a bunch of texts how much he loves me and kisses, and am I ok?

So I tried to talk to him that evening calmly, how that was not ok.

And again, this resulted in him arguing with me, until 2am, culminating in him trying to quit his job for good, rummaging through our paperwork to find the marriage certificate to rip it up, telling me he will never get over my past, and that he wants to divorce.

I told him he could leave, do whatever he wants, but that I loved him and didn't want a divorce. Then, suddenly out of the blue, he declared the argument was finished and went to bed.

Bizarre, right?

Now of course I am thinking that this behavior will probably only get worse and worse. When things are good, I feel like I never want to be without him, that he is the greatest yada yada yada.

But I can't close my eyes that he really doesn't contribute in any way to our life, and only thinks about what he wants...not about our future, or how it affects me.

His idea is to live back home for half of the year, and then come back for the other half to be with me. He has tried to talk me into moving elsewhere (anywhere but here), but I have a good job, good benefits and am about 10-15 years from retirement, so I can't just pack up and leave....somebody has to think about our financial situation.

I am willing to move once I retire, but in today's job market, I have to be realistic - especially since he can't be relied upon to be steady or a provider.

So lately I have been thinking, if somebody brings up divorce and leaving during every fight, and tells me he can't get over my past, maybe I should actually listen to what he is saying. Maybe this is truly what is in his heart?

Of course when I try to talk to him rationally about it, he tells me he will never leave me, I am his life, he is only here for me, etc.

I offered him to go back home for a year and visit. I offered him to spend half a year there, half a year here. (he wants to do that, but he needs money...)

He doesn't know what he wants - except to say that he can't return home without money.

Should I just buy him a plane ticket home instead of removing conditions?

What happens, if we don't remove condition and he overstays?

I don't want to waste another $600.00 for removing condition, if he just wants to go home anyway.

I would be willing to visit him and do the long-distance thing again, until I retire. Or file for him again in a few years, when he (hopefully) matures a bit more, and I'll be financially more stable again.

I have a really hard time letting go, but I feel that his basic message is loud and clear - he doesn't want to be here, and will make no effort to better his situation.

Could he visit as a tourist if we don't remove conditions (ie conditional green card expired) and stay married? (he technically has no ties to his country - no job, no home, no kids. He basically came with about half a suitcase full of clothes, he had no other possessions)

Feedback/advise would be appreciated.

If you wanted a child, you've got one.

I'm assuming that you did not really want a child; in that case, do not even concern yourself about the 600 for ROC; you would to think abou the long term outcome. Does not look good, from what you say.

I'd get a one way ticket and send him home; before doing that, cancel all credit cards or remove him from such , as well as other bank accounts, etc.

If he wants toys, he can work for that, like any half way decent person.

Some people nevre change, and you mihgt have one of those.

[aurpol 17]

I'm actually more impressed with your patience and your compassion than say bad words against your husband, although there are more than one negative word befitting him. You deserve a better life than being with him. You can focus your energy and attention that would bring more happiness to you that putting up with his antics. We can tell you different stuff but it's still your decision, it's your life after all.

PS - can't help it though, divorce and send him back home ASAP! LOL

[Ouray777 4]

I've personally been through what you're going through now. One person here said you're in a co-dependent relationship. That's spot on. I KNOW how terribly hard it is to break away from this marriage, It was almost impossible for me to do it! I did finally muster up the courage to file AND follow through with a divorce. Next thing I knew, time had flown by and here I am later on, remarried and having a substantially better life. You only have one life, and there's no guarantee of how long it will last. Even if you get lucky and live to be 100, when it's said and done, you'll still say life went by so fast....and you'll be thankful you didn't waste any more of that precious life than you absolutely had to. Take your life back and start living it!

[Boiler 43,430]

My impression is that there could be a generational gap that could also explain matters.

[Unidentified 2,930]

My impression is that there could be a generational gap that could also explain matters.

Doubt it. Not on this level.

[Paul and Svetlana 21]

It looks like you were looking for a man but found a man that is still a boy. Don't walk but run to the airport to buy him a ticket back home then run to a divorce attorney. DO NOT ADJUST STATUS... I am so sorry...Good Luck.

[Shauna&Wael 211]

Thank you so much for all the feedback, it is greatly appreciated. I wanted to add a few things, especially as a response to Ayo's post -by the way, thanks for giving a husband's perspective.

I didn't realize he was a pothead when I met him. Of course we close our eyes to red flags when we are in love. I knew he had smoked pot before, but he convinced me that he no longer did. I honestly was blind to the signs - this would have been a dealbreaker for me. He kept it a secret from me here in the US as well, but after 6 months or so, he came clean. To me, this was a shock, because in my eyes, he risks his immigration status by doing something illegal, despite the movements in many States to decriminalize it. But in his eyes, he is "invincible".

As for him being an African man...What he does has nothing to do with his culture.

This is HIM, plain and simple. I realize that - I know enough people from West Africa who bend over backwards to support their family. I have seen well-educated men work as dishwashers and parking lot attendants because that's the only job they could find.

I should add, he is an artist, and one of his issues is, that he can't find paid gigs here. His feeling is that back home, he could work as an artist again. He never went to school, so that makes life here more difficult for him....and here I am, making excuses again.....

I think pot is the main motivator in his life. Money he makes goes to support his habit. Pot comes before everything - even before supporting his family back home. At first I thought: Maybe the pot will calm him down, so he doesn't have these temper tantrums, so I accept it as a necessary evil. But unfortunately, this theory proved wrong. Plus it makes him anti-social.

As for the poster that thinks he uses the plane ticket home as a leverage tool (and has no intention of actually getting on a plane): Yes, that also occured to me.

He is very immature, and when older african friends try to advise him, he rarely listens. He is smart and inventive (albeit without focus), but I suppose his temper always got him his way, so he had no reason to change that behavior (I remember a scene in Senegal, where 2 or 3 bystanders had to walk him away to calm him down, when he got in a fight with one of the merchants there....again, red flag I chose to ignore)

I really don't think that he has ties back home (ie a wife). Of course I can't know for sure - less naive people than me have been fooled in that regard. I think he just always wants the easy way out, and right now the easy way out seems to be home. Having his cake, and eating it too.

He does give me money when he gets a paycheck, though. And he contributes to groceries etc.

There can be several weeks where everything is wonderful, and he is a supporting, loving husband. And then suddenly those power games and temper tantrums start again.

By the way, I did buy a new mattress. But then the demand of burning the bed came.....that's where I stopped, because what's next? Selling the home because an ex entered the premise? Ridiculous! Before we got married, I told him that we both have a past, and what happened before shouldn't matter. Just what happens from now on. I don't talk about ex's unless he asks questions. He then just spins his own story out of what I said...

Sounds to me like half the time you're complaining about his behavior and half the time you're excusing his behavior. Which one is it? Either you'll put up with it or you won't.

[Unidentified 2,930]

Sounds to me like half the time you're complaining about his behavior and half the time you're excusing his behavior. Which one is it? Either you'll put up with it or you won't.

It's not that black and white and she needs to figure that out herself.

[Shauna&Wael 211]

It's not that black and white and she needs to figure that out herself.

I think the biggest question here is, does she spend more time being happy in the relationship or disappointed? And i think we all know the answer.

[Pitaya 2,576]

~one post removed per author request and another thread quoting removed posting~

Pitaya

VJ Moderator

[Golden Gate 530]

My impression is that there could be a generational gap that could also explain matters.

Maybe if one was a grown up and the other was an adolescent. But these are two consenting adults.

Edited May 23, 2015 by Golden Gate

[onye uwaoma 131]

If you wanted a child, you've got one.

I'm assuming that you did not really want a child; in that case, do not even concern yourself about the 600 for ROC; you would to think abou the long term outcome. Does not look good, from what you say.

I'd get a one way ticket and send him home; before doing that, cancel all credit cards or remove him from such , as well as other bank accounts, etc.

If he wants toys, he can work for that, like any half way decent person.

Some people nevre change, and you mihgt have one of those.

i know this is not a happy story but you got me laughing out loud!