BF becomes busy all of a sudden

[meowmeow123 1]

Hi, i need advice.

My bf and I are almost 2 years together now. He came here last feb to see me. We were sweet and good and romantic with each other. He came back to US and now, although we talk almost everyday and he calls me, its hard to reach him. Before his computer crashed so we can only talk by phone. Now he got a new smart phone and STILL its hard to reach him. He became so busy at work and when we skype, he seems uninterested with what I tell him. He seems uninterested talking about filing the visa when this has been his words, "our dream". He said he is too busy and tired from work to talk about it now. He calls me before I go to work almost everyday but it will only last few minutes unlike before where we spend hours talking. But it is ALWAYS him who calls me. Its always hard to reach his mobile. It is really confusing for me because he sends me financial help every month. He calls me all the time and tell me how much he loves me. But whenever we skype, its like his mind is somewhere else. He is no longer interested about what happens to my day and all the time talks about how tiring his job is. Everytime I mention the visa he seems like struggling to discuss it with me. Before I can always call him anytime of the day, anywhere. Now, its like this - he has FULL control of of when and how long we can talk, by mobile or skype. I don't know what to do. He seems no longer interested but then, why would he still support me financially? I'm really confused. I tried talking to him about this and he swears up and down that there is no one else and that he is just tired from work. I'm not sure myself now if we have to pursue the visa. I don't want to be with somebody not interested in me. I need advice. Long distance is hard enough and to go through this is on top of that... Should I break up with him or not? Need advice people. What would you do in this situation?

[TBoneTX 43,022]

*** Thread moved from K-1 Process forum to the Effects of Major Family Changes forum, where similar issues are discussed. ***

[Ontarkie 13,904]

~~One post removed for Personal attack. Post constructively or do not post~~

Edited April 26, 2015 by Ontarkie

[Megan & Luke 93]

Hi, i need advice.

My bf and I are almost 2 years together now. He came here last feb to see me. We were sweet and good and romantic with each other. He came back to US and now, although we talk almost everyday and he calls me, its hard to reach him. Before his computer crashed so we can only talk by phone. Now he got a new smart phone and STILL its hard to reach him. He became so busy at work and when we skype, he seems uninterested with what I tell him. He seems uninterested talking about filing the visa when this has been his words, "our dream". He said he is too busy and tired from work to talk about it now. He calls me before I go to work almost everyday but it will only last few minutes unlike before where we spend hours talking. But it is ALWAYS him who calls me. Its always hard to reach his mobile. It is really confusing for me because he sends me financial help every month. He calls me all the time and tell me how much he loves me. But whenever we skype, its like his mind is somewhere else. He is no longer interested about what happens to my day and all the time talks about how tiring his job is. Everytime I mention the visa he seems like struggling to discuss it with me. Before I can always call him anytime of the day, anywhere. Now, its like this - he has FULL control of of when and how long we can talk, by mobile or skype. I don't know what to do. He seems no longer interested but then, why would he still support me financially? I'm really confused. I tried talking to him about this and he swears up and down that there is no one else and that he is just tired from work. I'm not sure myself now if we have to pursue the visa. I don't want to be with somebody not interested in me. I need advice. Long distance is hard enough and to go through this is on top of that... Should I break up with him or not? Need advice people. What would you do in this situation?

Well, I am going to be a bit stereotypical and general here. This doesn't apply to all men, but they deal with stress much differently than women do. I am assuming you are female? Correct me if I'm wrong.

A lot of men deal with stress by shutting down and being quiet, doing things on their own or sometimes with a few buddies. They need time to sort things through and can seem zoned out. It's even harder in a long distance relationship because you both already seem "zoned out" because of the distance. In the 8 year LDR with my fiance we've had those moments, especially when we both had more demanding jobs and responsibility piled onto us from all avenues. I can't tell you what the reasoning is for your boyfriends disinterest right now. It doesn't always signal something bad.

Since you have already spoken with him about it, now this part is up to you. You have some options here - Listen to your gut first. If it's telling you something is amiss, don't file the visa until you two are able to sit down and have a straight heart to heart. Tell him that you feel he is being evasive, seems disinterested in you and the relationship and this visa process, and ask him to clarify what he would like our of your relationship; ask him where he sees it going. Don't be confrontational, just be open with him about how you're feeling. The next step is all on you - do you trust this man? If you fully trust him and your gut isn't telling you something is wrong, then give him some space. Be supportive. The last thing a stressed man needs is to be "hounded" (that's what my fiance calls it when I get very overbearing) because you just end up in the same pile of burdens as everything else causing him stress. You need to know when to step back. I know that is very hard in an LDR because you're missing a very crucial piece - body language.

When you two Skype, is it always on his own time? It's a bit odd that if it's on his own time he can't seem interested. However, if these calls are more about your schedule I understand it. I call my fiance every day on my 4:00pm break. it's 9:00pm his time by then, and some days we don't say much. He's had a long day, I had a long day, or we can snap at each other because of stress - especially as we move closer to his POE date next Sunday. Just take it in stride and don't take it personally - especially if you can't sense that anything is amiss with him.

I know it is difficult to have a conversation with him and not make it all about you - I do this too often, even today. He reminds me of it when I am doing it and we try to take a few steps back. LDR is hard.. you aren't involved in every day life and don't see the forces around both of you circling. If you are willing to marry him you need to trust him - if he tells you that he is busy with work and tired from that stress then he is most likely telling you the truth. However, he needs to understand that the way he is projecting this makes you feel uneasy and unsure of the relationship. Voice this concern to him in that way, explain that maybe you two need to have some kind of boundaries - at least one set time each day you can fully devote attention to each other, etc..

Good luck!

Megan

Edited April 26, 2015 by Megan & Luke

[NikLR 13,220]

It could be that he is really busy with his job and would like your support. It could be that he is not ready to get married yet and start the visa process.

[GurkenSalat 48]

Did he have this same job before, or is it a new one?

I know when I got super-stressed and busy and not sleeping (deadlines, bleh), I would not be in any mood for the sappy relationship stuff, but I still loved seeing my BF, as he made me relax and made everything better. Different situation, but I'm just giving him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it really is an increased workload or deadlines at work that are stressing him out. Or maybe I'm dead wrong...

[Beverrlly 7]

Hire a private investigator in his area if you're suspicious there's someone else. It seems a little drastic but you're putting a lot on the line by petitioning for his visa and you''d rather know NOW that it's not going to work. You're committing to spending the rest of your life with this guy. If the PI comes up with nothing, then you have peace of mind. If he shows you that you're dating a cheater, you can decide whether or not to continue the relationship and visa.

[rlogan 2,036]

, why would he still support me financially?

To keep you as an option. Guilt.

Trust your gut. Something has happened. Not being able to reach him on his mobile is a red flag, one that says he doesn't want you to reach him. Not wanting to talk about the visa - also a red flag.

One of the conditions for both my wife and I was being able to reach each other at any time. Even if you allowed him a girlfriend it should still be the rule.

[madtownguy 164]

To keep you as an option. Guilt.

Trust your gut. Something has happened. Not being able to reach him on his mobile is a red flag, one that says he doesn't want you to reach him. Not wanting to talk about the visa - also a red flag.

One of the conditions for both my wife and I was being able to reach each other at any time. Even if you allowed him a girlfriend it should still be the rule.

I don't know many guys who think like this. It's very possessive to think someone should be reachable at any time. I have days where I can't talk at all because I'm busy and won't look at a text or anything. Also my fiance went a week or two when she was on a vacation and couldn't talk to me, it's not the end of the world. Perhaps his life is changing and he doesn't want to move anymore, you should talk to him about it and not ask strangers on a forum. He is just a boyfriend.

[Jawaree 717]

Sadly it seem to be fizzling out, I get very busy but I

still take that call & take the time to chit chat a bit

not just calls from the wife but kids.

At the same time a man hates being micro-managed

not everytime you will reach him & blowing up the

phone can turn them off, Maybe...just maybe he could

be busy, or he's a nice guy with a change of heart & not telling.

Write him a snail-mail letter & tell him exactly how you feel

if he not feeling you he wont respond or do so half-heartly

Hope things work out

Edited April 27, 2015 by Jawaree

[Hotter Otter 1,211]

Sounds like he needs an attitude change if you are both going to make this work. Yes he may be busy and stressed and yes long distance relationships are tough but if it's all on his terms (when he calls, what you discuss etc) then you need to consider whether he is right for you and whether he has lost interest in the relationship.

[kattaklizm 11]

I understand what you're talking about. LDR is the hardest thing we both did in our lifes. When we didn't see each other for two months we were praying not to go through it again and and by the time we will see each other in May it will be right about 5,5.

You should have really be patiant. LDR is wearing out. But maybe you should act a little bit differently. Try to talk about things that you know he is unterested at. Make him feel relaxed, because for him it is a serious desion to file the petiotion, much more serious than to send money. And if you will not push him to this decision I'm pretty sure he will talk about it soon.

[raven52 233]

When a man starts being hard to find, and contact.,.it is not a good sign for a relationship. The computer crashing.,..,.,maybe, maybe not!

This is a very important time in your life, I would do as a couple of others have suggested, and spend a few hundred dollars, and have him watched, for 3 days and nights.,,.,.,.,

Would it not be worth your piece of mind, when you go to bed at night.,,.,.,to """KNOW exactly what is going on?""

Too many red flags.,.,.,.,.,.find out what is going on!

Keep us posted, and please it would tell us so much more. Especially where he is from.

[Laser1 63]

I would urge you to hold off on marriage and the visa until your concerns are settled. Maybe he is busy, maybe he is losing interest, and maybe he just needs more time to settle. Only time can tell.

Hiring a private investigator is a bad idea. He would probably lose faith and trust in you if he finds that out. Using money that he supported you with to pay for one would make that even worse.

[Mountain Climber 186]

To keep you as an option. Guilt.

Trust your gut. Something has happened. Not being able to reach him on his mobile is a red flag, one that says he doesn't want you to reach him. Not wanting to talk about the visa - also a red flag.

One of the conditions for both my wife and I was being able to reach each other at any time. Even if you allowed him a girlfriend it should still be the rule.

I agree with the above. Maybe you should not call him for awhile and see how he reacts.