Would It Bother You?

[liampot 3]

I read she's been working ever since she got her card, while he's been at home for over 6 months. So it's his fault they are in debt, no? She is suporting her family, and he wants presents when he cannot even support himself?

that's what I'm trying to say with my first comment. If they were telling a filipina married an American guy for green card...I heard also some american guy married filipina to work and help them to pay their debts.

I read she's been working ever since she got her card, while he's been at home for over 6 months. So it's his fault they are in debt, no? She is suporting her family, and he wants presents when he cannot even support himself?

that's what I'm trying to say with my first comment. If they were telling a filipina married an American guy for green card...I heard also some american guy married filipina to work and help them to pay their debts.

[ascertainLovE 165]

I read she's been working ever since she got her card, while he's been at home for over 6 months. So it's his fault they are in debt, no? She is suporting her family, and he wants presents when he cannot even support himself?

he was working and was LAID OFF. Do you know what that word means? Later he borrowed money from his family for his and his wife's benefit. In a marriage, it is wrong to think that what one person earns is only for them. It is to be shared and administered. If his wife loses her job, based on your logic, she has to go out on the street and beg for food, because the money that her husband makes is for him and his needs? Considering she ran up thousands in debt, she can't support herself or her family. So your logic is flawed there too.

[VOL 425]

I suspect the mother can't handle money and this trait was passed down to her daughter..........

[Merrytooth 5,748]

he was working and was LAID OFF. Do you know what that word means? Later he borrowed money from his family for his and his wife's benefit. In a marriage, it is wrong to think that what one person earns is only for them. It is to be shared and administered. If his wife loses her job, based on your logic, she has to go out on the street and beg for food, because the money that her husband makes is for him and his needs? Considering she ran up thousands in debt, she can't support herself or her family. So your logic is flawed there too.

Agreed!

The wife is expecting the OP to help pay off her credit bills too.

[Laser1 63]

For Christmas, I bought my wife a really nice 17" HP Blu-Ray laptop because I wanted our first Christmas together in our new place to be memorable. My wife didn't end up getting me anything at all, but I did notice she sent her mom over $200.

By getting her such an expensive gift and letting her get away with not giving you anything, you gave her a strong message that such behavior is ok. She will probably continue that until she learns that it is not acceptable.

[rlogan 2,036]

Very Well written. Interersting comment about the double bind, I agree 100%

People make the mistake of thinking this takes a lot of intelligence when the essential character is having no conscience. A classic example is the ambush emergency. The electric bill comes due. The recipient family knows that a month later they'll get a shut-off notice. If they reveal the bill is due, the Americano will tell them to work. So they wait until the day before the electricity is about to be shut off.

Then they spring the double-bind: Not paying the bill makes it his fault the electricity is shut off. But in paying he still loses. He isn't made to feel good by paying. It is a guilt-trip he needs to rectify. If this tactic works then your relationship with them becomes a series of emergencies.

This wife uses inappropriate anger. If you don't submit, you face the firestorm. If you submit, all you have done is hold back the firestorm - you don't get love and affection for it so you feel miserable anyway. That's a double bind too. The perpetrator can be dumb as a post. All they have to know is that rage works, and have no conscience about mental abuse.

These people can turn on a dime, showering you with false affection and flattery. Or sobbing tears. Children use these tactics until they grow a conscience.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

For what it is worth, this manipulative type of personality is not unique to the Philippines: it can and does occur within any culture or society. As Rlogan said, these individuals have no conscience. In our society we would say they have sociopathic tendencies. My husband's ex wife fits this profile so I have become far more familiar with it than I ever expected.

Also, on behalf of the OP, I don't get that it isn't so much that his wife did not get him an expensive gift or present for Christmas or his birthday but that she did not even acknowledge these occasions - no card, no small token, no 'thought' to say 'you are important to me and I just wanted to let you know I care about you and love you" - no reciprocation or exchange of 'feelings' or 'concerns' or 'the thought'. It really is the 'thought that counts'. Gifts don't have to be expensive - the right card can be as welcome as any sort of expensive object. So can a nice home cooked meal, a special night out or something special done because it will please or honour the recipient. It is the thought - the recognition - of this event that is important to another, not the actual receipt of an expensive gift. The OP's wife gave no thought to him on his birthday or at Christmas - that is the 'thought' that is bothering him, not the lack of an expensive object.

Unfortunately, I was once in a relationship where my then partner did not care enough for me to acknowledge my birthday, either - and for Christmas I got an "IOU" while everyone else in his family got gifts. It hurt. The 'thought' - lack of it - hurt.

[rlogan 2,036]

Spot on there, Kathryn41

This venue - international marriages - affords manipulative people on both sides of the border an opportunity to victimize naiive and trusting people. It works both ways with sponsors who deceive an immigrant about who they are and get them over here into a horrible double bind. They've left their home and support network and are alone here in the clutches of a predator who knows he has them in a tough spot. The shame of having to admit they made a huge mistake and go home vs. putting up with the abuse here - what a miserable set of choices.

On the other side are people trolling for dupes on international dating sites or any other means to present themselves as the ideal mate for someone. Then after they arrive their true personality begins to show and if they can make it all the way to marriage then the victim sponsor is the one in the double bind: Stick with this abuser or go through the misery of divorce.

For everyone the most important thing to do is listen to your gut instincts instead of the pretty words. Watch actions, not words. Whenever you have that feeling that something is amiss - don't explain it away. Don't make excuses. The OP here, if he looks back, is going to remember some red flags. People who are conscientious want to give the benefit of the doubt and bad people use that against us.

To the extent you can, put yourself amongst their family, friends, school-mates, neighbors, and work cohorts. Manipulative people want to isolate you from them so that you can't compare notes. That's why an immigrant predator has you meet them in some other city instead of their home, making various excuses as to why you can't meet there.

Once they are here and married, regardless of whether you are the immigrant victim or the sponsor victim, you can't let the mistake dictate your future actions. In lesser cases, counseling can help if it is a good counselor. But I made a huge mistake with that. I demanded counseling or divorce. My manipulator convinced me she needed to go first and make sure she was comfortable with the counselor and then I would be able to come. Then for months she told me the counselor did not want me coming yet. When I finally demanded either divorce or joint sessions, I came into an ambush. She had made up this whole fantasy story to dupe the counselor and the counselor was convinced it was all true. It was one of the most horrible experiences of my life where I was accused of all manner of things, and when trying to defend myself against preposterous accusations the counselor said it just proved how I was living in denial. I'll never forget the glee on her face at watching me suffer.

[BJZags 17]

In my opinion, the crux of the situation is the misunderstanding in regard to the payments to his parents and her parents. She sees her payments as a gift to her mom, and this is the way it should logically be, but she likely does not understand the payments to his parents are the repayment of a loan. Once this distinction is ironed out, I predict much of the problem goes away.

[clairegie 265]

Just reading the Pinay culture I know its sort of expected

from the child to send back & support parents sometimes

even extended families...its the culture....=

It was for this very reason that I sat my Mom down before I left. I told her that I love my family very much and would HELP them any way I can BUT I will not be obligated to pay for my brother's tuition, it is the responsibility of my parents. I will help when I can but I don't believe the eldest should take over what the parents should be doing. I told her I was not trying to be rude and I hope she didn't take it that way and she understood perfectly that I was leaving to start a family of my own. I understand your wife must feel pressured or ungrateful if she doesn't send money to them, but she should realize that she is a married woman now and you must come first. Before sending money to our relatives, my husband asks for my permission first and I do the same out of RESPECT.

Edited March 24, 2015 by iammrsregie