Family has "withdrawal" issues

[Eric & Idalia 56]

Talk to your wife. She should know the "way/method" to talk to her mom, and from my point of view she should be the one telling her your (wife and you) decision.

I'd say let her visit and see the lifestyle you have. Some times is hard for daughters and sons and some other times for parents to life apart.

[Cathi 5,609]

Hi everyone,

My wife and I got married last summer and we couldn't be happier. We're in the process of getting the AOS done and her work permit just got approved, which is really exciting. My family loves her and I really like who I have met of her family so far. There just seems to be a small issue.

Her mother, who came to visit us last fall and who is a very nice person, has been pressuring us to go out there and visit her in the summer. As we are moving to a bigger place in a week and I am starting a new project at work, the idea of taking a vacation overseas is honestly pretty unrealistic at the moment. Her mother has offered to help with the airfare but I feel that she is still not understanding all the pieces involved in taking an overseas vacation - cost of food, the rest of the airfare, vacation-y stuff while we are there, and taking time off from work. Not to mention we have been working very hard to get my wife more acquainted with the U.S. and becoming integrated, so taking weeks off just to go back to her country seems a little backwards right now, honestly.

We tried explaining this to her mother, who then insisted she would just fly out here again and visit. As the sole provider right now, I have no issue with this, however, since I am the only driver in the family it seems a little unfair to expect me to use my vacation time to drive people around on grand tours of California when I would really like to save up vacation to take smaller, realistic trips with my new wife.

Now her mother has turned to being a little passive aggressive with her (not me, she doesn't know how much of the conversation I know about) saying things like "You don't want to see me", "You don't miss your country", etc etc.

Have any of you encountered this before? What was your way of dealing with it without hurting anyone's feelings too much and not stressing yourselves out?

Yes, my husband's family doesn't seem to understand that we cannot just fly to the middle east at the drop of a hat. Plane fare is minimum $1500 each person, an easy $600-$700 more per person in the summer. We have already visited Jordan TWICE in the 2 and a half years he has been in the US. His family is quite upset that we are not going this year. We bought a house last June and we need to put money into fencing the yard, updating the kitchen and a thousand other things. Not to mention the fact that I have a son in college, his tuition is upwards of 40k a year and I get no help from his father(his father is my ex husband). My husband's family is very wealthy and they just don't understand that for us to take a vacation to visit will be a MINIMUM of 6-7k and that isn't even bringing the kids. And they don't understand that at the moment, the middle east isn't exactly the safest place for Americans to travel, especially since my kids and I are Catholic. As much as I love my husband's family, they just don't "get" the financial burden it would place upon us. His sister is dong the passive aggressive thing with me, as well. *sigh*

[rlogan 2,036]

Now her mother has turned to being a little passive aggressive with her (not me, she doesn't know how much of the conversation I know about) saying things like "You don't want to see me", "You don't miss your country", etc etc.

Have any of you encountered this before? What was your way of dealing with it without hurting anyone's feelings too much and not stressing yourselves out?

The "you don't love me" routine is used by children who think the universe orbits them. In an adult, yes - it is ridiculous. But it is especially so in juxtaposition with the great Nordic sagas of the mighty Viking warriors and brave adventurers settling lands that took months of arduous and life-threatening journeys to accomplish. Vikings whining, lol.

Do not empower either children or adults when they try to manipulate your emotions like this. Reacting with drama is what they want, and they will blame you for it. Establish the rules and don't justify. Every justification you offer is something for them to argue about.

Your wife is already telling her that she misses her family and country. She is already being understanding. Bad behavior is not something to be empathetic about. With both children and adults you teach them by how you react. Coddling them just reinforces childish behavior.

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

The "you don't love me" routine is used by children who think the universe orbits them. In an adult, yes - it is ridiculous. But it is especially so in juxtaposition with the great Nordic sagas of the mighty Viking warriors and brave adventurers settling lands that took months of arduous and life-threatening journeys to accomplish. Vikings whining, lol.

Well, apparently, you are unaware of the current state of Scandinavia; it couldn't be farther from how it was 1100 years ago.

My husband tells me that complaining/whining is the national sport.

[ExPatty 502]

All I can offer the OP are sympathies. This is just how it goes. I honestly hope my kids never meet anybody who doesn't live in their own city because it's an impossible situation; one side of the family will necessarily get short-changed. We up and moved states some time ago to get closer to my wife's family(they're still in Canada, though). To my parents in laws' credit, despite having a closer relationship with my wife, they have never guilt tripped her to my knowledge about moving back home and fully supported our application for citizenship.

I moved from Canada more than a decade ago and my mom still feigns surprise when I tell her I have no plans to move back--the exact same story I've given her verbatim from day one. Absolute consistency, but still the "Are you ever going to move back?". I give the same answer I gave five years ago and the same I gave five before that/

My brother also married somebody from another continent and I think it strained their relationship hugely with her mom. They moved back to her side of the world and now I never see him at all. There's no advice I can give because there is no advice to give. You just live with it. Like I said, I hope my kids meet somebody who lives down the street.

Edited March 9, 2015 by ExPatty

[rutabaga 209]

Advice is - your wife needs to be pretty clear with her mother about what is acceptable and is going to work. Keep yourself out of it, lest you become a target.

All I have to say to OP is this: if you chose to follow just one piece of advice from this thread, follow this one ^.

[skooter85 7]

OP I hope you find a way to keep everyone happy it's friggin hard balancing life in America and keeping your loved ones family happy too!

Always remember there's your vj family too to talk to.

Thanks so much - you guys are great. I'm sure we'll figure out a way to make everyone happy, it might just take some work.

[mallafri76 1,012]

You are sort of up against a national mentality of "But Sweden/Denmark is the best country in the world and America is such a disgusting backwater where people shoot at each other and children starve." To them, even though they won't say it, you are the responsible person for making their precious relative move to a place where they will be exposed to all these ills and in the case of women, seemingly have less social and government support and right.

Oh this had me laughing. ? It is so true, all my friends and family ask me why on earth I wanna live in the US. To them, it's like I'm moving to a third world country. So much pressure for my husband to move to Sweden instead.

OP, sorry but to me you sound a little selfish. Your wife just gave up her home, her family, her friends and everything she knew to move half way around the world to be with you and you're complaining because her mum wants to see her twice a year?!?!?!

You said that your wife is very close to her mum. Is your wife the only child? If so, that's gonna make the separation even harder. Can't your wife take a driver's license and then she and her mum can do their own little trips when her mum comes to visit and you're at work? Your wife's gonna need a driver's license for when she starts working anyway, right?! No better time than present.

I'm also very close to my parents, especially my mum, and this is exactly why my husband and I had a discuss about family and the future before we got married. Discussing these things before marriage minimise surprises like these.

[mallafri76 1,012]

Not to mention the fact that I have a son in college, his tuition is upwards of 40k a year

In Scandinavia, as in most of Western Europe, education and medical is free, if you're sick you still get paid, you have minimum five weeks paid vacation, you have a minimum of one year's paid maternity/paternity leave... Many Scandinavians don't understand the kind of costs involved in living in the US and so they don't understand why their family member and new son/daughter in law can't fly back home to visit every year. It really is a big cultural difference that take a while to get used to, both for the son/daughter who moved to the U.S. and for the family left behind in Scandinavia.

[NikLR 13,220]

To everyone who tells the OP not to talk to his MIL:

It maybe just me but I have zero issues with the times my husband was upset at my brother or other family members because of what they have said to me. My husband called my brother to ask what his issue was after a conversation with him left me in tears. I've appreciated someone on my side, which is what my best friend in life is for. I have his back, and he has mine.

[elmcitymaven 9,711]

I've lived with this, but the culprit was my mom, and it was while I was living abroad. For 12 years, we had to alternate Christmases between the US and UK so nobody felt short-changed; my mom (and sometimes my dad) would come over at least once a year, usually more. I had a job that frequently took me to the East Coast, and my mom would always ask if I could stop by for a few days after the business trip was over, which I almost always did. Even with copious amounts of vacation time, I always felt that it was impossible to take a long break without at least one of my family members involved. It sucked! Mostly because I felt beholden to my mom (giver of life, fixer of childhood boo-boos) to have her see me whenever she could, and I thought this is what dutiful daughters did.

Well, now I'm a lot older and wiser. I have a lot less time to see my mom and dad than I did before, but when we see each other, I put down boundaries -- I have work and school, and sometimes other immutable commitments. If a visit to me overlaps with these commitments, they need to work around my time since I'm not the one on vacation. If I'm there, I refuse to feel bad about going to spend time with hometown friends, or go away for a day or two to visit friends. Are there some clear signs that my mom wants me to be more available? Yeah -- but she also realizes now I'm an adult, like she is, and have as rich, full and complex a life as she does.

tl:dr -- boundaries are awesome. Set them now or repent later.

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

To everyone who tells the OP not to talk to his MIL:

It maybe just me but I have zero issues with the times my husband was upset at my brother or other family members because of what they have said to me. My husband called my brother to ask what his issue was after a conversation with him left me in tears. I've appreciated someone on my side, which is what my best friend in life is for. I have his back, and he has mine.

Oh no, no, no, no....

1. Scandinavians in general are conflict/confrontation adverse and they do not resolve conflicts the same way, trust me on this one.

2. A "macho" American husband calling a Scando mother and attempting to put her in her place (which is what that is going to come across as) or fix problems is not going to go well. Actually had my Danish husband ever said anything to my mother, even when warranted, she would hate him forever.

I'm glad it worked out for you, but it wouldn't end well for most of us.

[NikLR 13,220]

Oh no, no, no, no....

1. Scandinavians in general are conflict/confrontation adverse and they do not resolve conflicts the same way, trust me on this one.

2. A "macho" American husband calling a Scando mother and attempting to put her in her place (which is what that is going to come across as) or fix problems is not going to go well. Actually had my Danish husband ever said anything to my mother, even when warranted, she would hate him forever.

I'm glad it worked out for you, but it wouldn't end well for most of us.

1) Different cultures obviously, so the OP should follow the advice that would be most effective... I firmly agree with that.

Not commenting on the rest of it...

[*Snowdrop* 603]

So I'm going to advise something a little different to most others here based on my own experience.

I am an only child who had an amazingly close relationship with my parents. I was very worried before I moved about how they would cope with the distance. So I talked a lot about it with my husband before I moved and we agreed that we would make sure we could all see as much of each other as possible.

For the first four years I was in America, my parents came over for two to three trips each year (each trip was 2-3 weeks) and I went back to the UK for 2-3 trips each year (each trip was 3-4 weeks). In years 3 and 4 I was travelling back with my little baby girl so we even stayed for a month or more at time in the UK and my parents did at least one trip of 4-5 weeks each year and 2 smaller 2-week trips.

So we got to see each other every couple of months for extended periods at a time.

The caveat is that when you are doing regular trips like that they are NOT vacations.

So after the first few trips when my parents came over they did not expect to be treated like a visitor - they were just there to be with us. They cooked, did their own laundry etc. My husband and I didn't take vacation time - we went to work. My parents brought a stack of books and read and hung out in our home. Or went for walks or did their own day trips etc.

When I went to the UK for a month I was the same - I worked (remotely) and just lived a basic life with them.

Four years after I moved to the US my Mum was diagnosed with a late stage, fast progressing cancer - she died three months later.

I mention this simply because you never know what is going to happen. I am so thankful that we did spend as much time as money and personal situation allowed.

If your mother-in-law can fund her own visit - why not? Let your wife make it clear that it cannot be a traditional vacation and just enjoy being with her and getting to know her. If she can be with you and see how hard you work and can begin to understand how different employment rule and benefits are to Europe, she will be more sympathetic and understanding when you tell her you can't keep flying over to see her.

[rlogan 2,036]

Well, apparently, you are unaware of the current state of Scandinavia; it couldn't be farther from how it was 1100 years ago.

My husband tells me that complaining/whining is the national sport.

No, it was the mass migration to the US in recent times that resulted in a lot of my Nordic friends in the Midwest. Up here I had a student from Greenland that was working with this Nordic cultural commission or whatever it was called. There are journals he was studying on Nordic migration he was using for his masters' thesis. It's a pretty current matter to have journals specifically dedicated to it.