Fiancé cancelled wedding, but still wants me to stay?!?!!?

[FLAussie 5]

My fiancé cancelled our wedding a few days ago, and I have no idea what to do.

He says he still loves me and wants to be with me, and that him telling his parents, siblings, and other relatives that the wedding is off is just a "misunderstanding". But how does someone "accidentally" cancel their wedding, without realising that's what they're doing?!?

He has been apathetic about our wedding from the start; like I wasn't able to convince him to do ANYTHING to help organise it -- not even things I truly can't do for him like the guest list (ie working out who he wanted to invite!) Over the last six months, we've had soooo many arguments where I got upset and said, "honey, if you don't help me with [major wedding thing like venue / celebrant / invites], there won't be a wedding"... and not one single one of those things got done. There wasn't anything to cancel, really, because nothing at all was booked, and not even a Save the Date had been sent! (I couldn't get it all done alone from the opposite side of the world, as its a small town where everything is done through word of mouth and prior relationships, and I'm an outsider and don't know who to go to for things, if that makes sense.)

Honestly, we're not even properly engaged. I really wanted to announce our engagement back in Australia so I could have an engagement party with my friends and loved ones at least, since most can't come to a wedding in the US. But he told me we had to wait because when his grandmother died she left her engagement ring to him and insisted it be used when he got engaged. He promised that we'd get engaged for real as soon as we got back to the U.S. so he could honor his grandmother's dying wish, and of course I agreed... but we've been back a month now, and we're still not actually engaged. And that's just one example; he's made so many promises and kept zero so far.

I want to go home to Australia and be done with all his BS, because even though I still love him, I just can't take any more. Plus the trust is gone now, and I don't think that's a good way to start a marriage. But every time I say so, he begs me to stay and tells me we can still have the life we'd planned over here. He wants me to go to the courthouse to get legally married but I don't want a pretend, 'just for the paperwork' marriage, and if he'd told me that's what I was getting into I wouldn't have moved here.

But it's all complicated by the fact that I don't have a life to go back to there now, as I wound up my business, gave up my apartment, got rid of most of my furniture and household items, and shipped the few things I still own (my most treasured possessions) when I left to start my 'new life' here with him. Even my cat is here in the US with me, and Aussie quarantine laws mean I won't be able to move her back home for at least six months, but I have to leave within two months so I won't be here to get her ready to travel. (I know lots of people don't understand being so attached to an animal, but my cat is family and leaving her behind would be heartbreaking for me. And I'm already pretty heartbroken over the wedding.) I don't have any family I can move in with back in Australia, so I'd be starting over back there with nowhere to go and no possessions beside the clothes and gadgets in my suitcase, as the few things I shipped won't arrive in the US for at least 2-3 months, and then it'll be another 3 months or so to ship it back again. Plus transporting me + my stuff + my cat back home again will be another $5-6K, and I just paid that much to move over here!

I gave up my old life to be with him, so going back means starting over again, and I just did that here a month ago. I'm tired, I'm out a lot of money, and I'm heartbroken that he'd cancel our wedding.

I don't know what to do.

[S_R 148]

This is incredibly chilling. I feel really upset at the way some folks take the sacrifices of their immigrant spouses for granted. It takes so much sacrifice to do what you just did just to be with somebody who has practically developed cold feet and lacks the courage to say it to your face. You may have to make up your mind without him ...every material possession you may loose can be replaced with time but your happiness should be paramount in all your decisions going forward. If he isn't man enough to be honest with you then i believe you know what to do. I wish you the best

[TBoneTX 42,988]

1. the trust is gone now

2. my cat is family

1. This is the element to focus on. There's no basis for a relationship with him.

2. Same here.

You need only leave the U.S.; you're not obligated to return all the way to Australia. Do you have friends or relatives in a third country with whom you could stay, even temporarily, until a permanent path becomes clear? That country might also have less stringent quarantine laws, enabling you to bring and stay with your cat.

What are those possibilities?

[AmerFila 10]

I am sorry to read your post. i am sorry this is happening to you. If you have no trust then you have no relationship. save yourself and let him go. There is a whole world out there and someone to make you happy, that is why we are all doing this. Keep looking you life long partner in crime/life is just waiting. To quote a song by Garth Brooks "sometimes Gods greatest gift is unanswered prayers".

[Jawaree 717]

Young lady so sorry this happened...better now than later

This guy has not just cold feet but is just manipulating you

he does not want to be married, he just wants to shack up, AU

is a great country to live, if you are from Sydney then go to

Melbourne or Perth if not quite ready to face your old friends,

arranged with someone to send over kitty. there are some

animal boarding places you could maybe arrange with after

his quarantine to pick him up & send him to you.

Please don't let this guy cause U to mess up vwp or keep

stringing you along, when you go home you will get a job &

replace your stuff, the smart thing to do is not listen to that

moron any more, just leave he would make your life miserable

and boring if he needs others to help make his decisions,

consider yourself above that ...good luck

[kzielu 1,144]

It's more of relationship advice you're asking for I don't feel qualified to provide one, but maybe he just isn't on board with spending a lot of money for the wedding ? Not sure what your and his financial situation is, but people here throw expensive weddings putting themselves in debt which I personally don't think it's smart.

It sounds like he still wants to marry you, just not have a wedding - correct ? Is the wedding and engagement ring really a problem ?

[NikLR 13,220]

While i don't agree with his decision have you ever thought he doesn't want a large wedding? My husband was very uninterested in wedding planning as well.

To be honest though, this sounds like a lot of manipulation and not just a general apathy to a wedding.

You have up to 90 days to figure out what you want to do. Perhaps book yourself a ticket out of the country and if you still feel he's not on board, then leave and put your life back together. A relationship is a two way street. Both people have to be willing to do the work.

[Sandra G. 5,006]

try to find someone willing to watch your cat for a few months, even pay for that if necessary, but it's better if you leave the USA asap, he doesn't sound like a man crazy in love .

[FLAussie 5]

Thank you so much to everyone who's taken the time to reply.

It's more of relationship advice you're asking for I don't feel qualified to provide one, but maybe he just isn't on board with spending a lot of money for the wedding ? Not sure what your and his financial situation is, but people here throw expensive weddings putting themselves in debt which I personally don't think it's smart.

I've never asked him to spend a cent on the wedding, and I completely agree that racking up heaps of debt for a one-day party is unwise. I planned a wedding that could realistically be done, with 100 or so guests to accomodate his large family (I basically don't get to invite anyone), for $2K. Which I would fund, from my own savings. And then his parents offered to pay for a bunch of the big expenses (food, photographer, hair & makeup) so we could have a nicer wedding, because even though $2K for a party would usually be heaps, it doesn't go far on wedding stuff.

I have enough savings to pay for our wedding, buy a car for myself with cash, and put down the deposit for us to buy a house. After that I won't be an equal contributor week-to-week, but I will be able to pay for my own healthcare and food at least, so he shouldn't be out any money on having me here.

It sounds like he still wants to marry you, just not have a wedding - correct ? Is the wedding and engagement ring really a problem ?

Yes, that's about right. He's even said stuff about how he'll be a great husband, and I had to point out that becoming a husband involves getting married, and he cancelled that!

If he'd been honest at the start, we could've worked something out. The problem isn't so much the wedding and engagement ring, as the way he's handled it and the complete loss of trust. So many times, he's promised me he'd get his act together and our wedding would happen, then just kept ignoring it til it did eventually go away.

The ring especially should not have been a big issue; it's more that I really wanted to announce my engagement to the world and celebrate it, but he seems to want it to be just between us! For example, the first month or so I was discussing wedding plans with his mom, she was extremely uncooperative and I couldn't work out why, so finally I asked him to speak to her about it, and after about a week of begging he finally talked to her... and it turned out she didn't know we were getting married, because he'd never told her! He swears he did, but somehow an announcement that important just didn't register with any of his family...

I don't mind having a basic, simple wedding (a $2K wedding ain't fancy!), I'm just upset that I've told him so many times over the last six months or so, "this is something that's really important to me," and each time he's promised that everything will be fine once we got over here... and then he didn't follow through on those promises, and instead at the first opportunity, he cancelled the whole thing!

I also would just like to be marrying someone who's excited and happy to be marrying me, and who wants to celebrate that; not someone who treats it like a chore. I'm so sick of being upset, and having relationship talks about our stupid wedding, and begging and nagging him to follow through on his promises. There is no happiness in getting married for either of us, now. And I was so excited at the start! I made Pinterest boards of wedding stuff, and I am not into weddings at all. And now I'm just so humiliated that he'd call it all off so lightly.

[kzielu 1,144]

Well, looks like you have some fundamental communication problems in your relationship and from what you're describing there are some major red flags. Sometimes there are different expectations between man and woman on the wedding, but being unable to discuss and agree on them points to larger issue.

I don't think anybody here will give you a relationship advise (nobody probably should), on immigration side of things you have a choice between leaving before your K-1 90 days is up or marrying and adjusting status (and risking you'll be in an unhappy marriage). No other way to stay.

From experience, is something looks bad early on, later it will only get worse, but it's your decision to make. Understand there's cost associated with leaving, but that unfortunately is inherent risk in for immigrating person that many people here don't really think about (I didn't either - just sold everything and flew over).

[msbau764 245]

My fiancé cancelled our wedding a few days ago, and I have no idea what to do.

He says he still loves me and wants to be with me, and that him telling his parents, siblings, and other relatives that the wedding is off is just a "misunderstanding". But how does someone "accidentally" cancel their wedding, without realising that's what they're doing?!?

He has been apathetic about our wedding from the start; like I wasn't able to convince him to do ANYTHING to help organise it -- not even things I truly can't do for him like the guest list (ie working out who he wanted to invite!) Over the last six months, we've had soooo many arguments where I got upset and said, "honey, if you don't help me with [major wedding thing like venue / celebrant / invites], there won't be a wedding"... and not one single one of those things got done. There wasn't anything to cancel, really, because nothing at all was booked, and not even a Save the Date had been sent! (I couldn't get it all done alone from the opposite side of the world, as its a small town where everything is done through word of mouth and prior relationships, and I'm an outsider and don't know who to go to for things, if that makes sense.)

Honestly, we're not even properly engaged. I really wanted to announce our engagement back in Australia so I could have an engagement party with my friends and loved ones at least, since most can't come to a wedding in the US. But he told me we had to wait because when his grandmother died she left her engagement ring to him and insisted it be used when he got engaged. He promised that we'd get engaged for real as soon as we got back to the U.S. so he could honor his grandmother's dying wish, and of course I agreed... but we've been back a month now, and we're still not actually engaged. And that's just one example; he's made so many promises and kept zero so far.

I want to go home to Australia and be done with all his BS, because even though I still love him, I just can't take any more. Plus the trust is gone now, and I don't think that's a good way to start a marriage. But every time I say so, he begs me to stay and tells me we can still have the life we'd planned over here. He wants me to go to the courthouse to get legally married but I don't want a pretend, 'just for the paperwork' marriage, and if he'd told me that's what I was getting into I wouldn't have moved here.

But it's all complicated by the fact that I don't have a life to go back to there now, as I wound up my business, gave up my apartment, got rid of most of my furniture and household items, and shipped the few things I still own (my most treasured possessions) when I left to start my 'new life' here with him. Even my cat is here in the US with me, and Aussie quarantine laws mean I won't be able to move her back home for at least six months, but I have to leave within two months so I won't be here to get her ready to travel. (I know lots of people don't understand being so attached to an animal, but my cat is family and leaving her behind would be heartbreaking for me. And I'm already pretty heartbroken over the wedding.) I don't have any family I can move in with back in Australia, so I'd be starting over back there with nowhere to go and no possessions beside the clothes and gadgets in my suitcase, as the few things I shipped won't arrive in the US for at least 2-3 months, and then it'll be another 3 months or so to ship it back again. Plus transporting me + my stuff + my cat back home again will be another $5-6K, and I just paid that much to move over here!

I gave up my old life to be with him, so going back means starting over again, and I just did that here a month ago. I'm tired, I'm out a lot of money, and I'm heartbroken that he'd cancel our wedding.

I don't know what to do.

don't give up. Make a life for yourself in the USA. Write down a list of goals that you would like to accomplish within 3-5 years in the USA. At the end of those 3-5 years, if you are still stuck then go back to Australia. Who knows. You may fall in love again. Whatever you do, I suggest trying to make a life without him here and see how it goes!

[kzielu 1,144]

don't give up. Make a life for yourself in the USA. Write down a list of goals that you would like to accomplish within 3-5 years in the USA. At the end of those 3-5 years, if you are still stuck then go back to Australia. Who knows. You may fall in love again. Whatever you do, I suggest trying to make a life without him here and see how it goes!

Just forgot to mention how is she supposed to do it. Can't adjust on K1 through anybody other than petitioner. No marriage, no way to stay in US (other than VAWA which is not the case here).

[Cathi 5,607]

I don't think you should not give up so soon. Sit down and have a long talk with him, tell him the trust is gone and you need him to prove himself in order to earn that trust back. If he cheated on you I would say dump him, that kind of trust you can never regain. If you love him and he loves you and if you truly want to marry him I think it is worth trying to work on the relationship, I think sometimes people give up too easily. People and relationships shouldn't be so disposable, I think in this day and age couples give up far too easily and it's a damn shame.You spent a lot and gave up a lot to come here, don't throw it all out the window so quickly. I think when we are in the midst of being upset and hurt we jump and regret it later. Ask yourself(other than the wedding issue)do you love him, can you see yourself living your life with this man and being happy after her earns your trust back? If the answer is yes you shouldn't care what others think, it is your wedding, your husband, your life.....

Before I married my now husband I was married to someone else for 20 years, it was 20 years of living with someone who lied to me about anything and everything all of the time. He stole from my family and ran our very profitable business into the ground, in turn we lost our home and everything we owned and were forced to move in with family. We got back on our feet and moved on. Even after all of that I didn't up. Should I have walked away sooner? Perhaps, but I have children and I wanted to make it work. Even now after the divorce the relationship with my ex is amicable, he doesn't give me a dime for child support(he hasn't worked in 4 years) and doesn't contribute anything to my son's college tuition, but he is still the father of my children, he is a good dad and they love him. I am very happy in my new marriage, and if and if we ever go through a rough patch(after 3 and a half years of marriage we have yet to have any huge fights) I plan on doing what it takes to get through it and make it work. I love him.

Don't jump the gun and go back home so quickly. You don't want to go through the expense and stress of going back all of that way only to regret it. It's easy for people who don't know you or your fiance personally to say give up and move on, they have no emotional ties to you or he.

I totally understand about your cat and I think most of us do. Our fur babies are family and there is no way on Earth I would leave my animals. Good luck and please keep us posted.

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

I don't mind having a basic, simple wedding (a $2K wedding ain't fancy!), I'm just upset that I've told him so many times over the last six months or so, "this is something that's really important to me," and each time he's promised that everything will be fine once we got over here... and then he didn't follow through on those promises, and instead at the first opportunity, he cancelled the whole thing!

I also would just like to be marrying someone who's excited and happy to be marrying me, and who wants to celebrate that; not someone who treats it like a chore. I'm so sick of being upset, and having relationship talks about our stupid wedding, and begging and nagging him to follow through on his promises. There is no happiness in getting married for either of us, now. And I was so excited at the start! I made Pinterest boards of wedding stuff, and I am not into weddings at all. And now I'm just so humiliated that he'd call it all off so lightly.

Don't be humiliated, you put your trust in him and he was obviously being dishonest with you and maybe himself. Better to have figured that out now rather than later.

I think you do deserve someone that will be excited about marrying you and can't wait to do it. I remember how happy and excited my husband was and how hurt he was after I wanted to put it off a week or two. We just had a courthouse wedding, but still, it meant a lot to him.

I totally get that many men don't want to do wedding planning, but then why would he not agree to a courthouse wedding and then give you time to plan a ceremony for your families? That is kind of the big red flag that says it isn't about a big wedding, but rather him not wanting to commit.

I am so sorry that this happened to you and I think it is a real shame that the K1 visa doesn't protect intending immigrants like the CR1 does.

[Teddy B 17,251]

My fiancé cancelled our wedding a few days ago, and I have no idea what to do.

He says he still loves me and wants to be with me, and that him telling his parents, siblings, and other relatives that the wedding is off is just a "misunderstanding". But how does someone "accidentally" cancel their wedding, without realising that's what they're doing?!?

He has been apathetic about our wedding from the start; like I wasn't able to convince him to do ANYTHING to help organise it -- not even things I truly can't do for him like the guest list (ie working out who he wanted to invite!) Over the last six months, we've had soooo many arguments where I got upset and said, "honey, if you don't help me with [major wedding thing like venue / celebrant / invites], there won't be a wedding"... and not one single one of those things got done. There wasn't anything to cancel, really, because nothing at all was booked, and not even a Save the Date had been sent! (I couldn't get it all done alone from the opposite side of the world, as its a small town where everything is done through word of mouth and prior relationships, and I'm an outsider and don't know who to go to for things, if that makes sense.)

Honestly, we're not even properly engaged. I really wanted to announce our engagement back in Australia so I could have an engagement party with my friends and loved ones at least, since most can't come to a wedding in the US. But he told me we had to wait because when his grandmother died she left her engagement ring to him and insisted it be used when he got engaged. He promised that we'd get engaged for real as soon as we got back to the U.S. so he could honor his grandmother's dying wish, and of course I agreed... but we've been back a month now, and we're still not actually engaged. And that's just one example; he's made so many promises and kept zero so far.

I want to go home to Australia and be done with all his BS, because even though I still love him, I just can't take any more. Plus the trust is gone now, and I don't think that's a good way to start a marriage. But every time I say so, he begs me to stay and tells me we can still have the life we'd planned over here. He wants me to go to the courthouse to get legally married but I don't want a pretend, 'just for the paperwork' marriage, and if he'd told me that's what I was getting into I wouldn't have moved here.

But it's all complicated by the fact that I don't have a life to go back to there now, as I wound up my business, gave up my apartment, got rid of most of my furniture and household items, and shipped the few things I still own (my most treasured possessions) when I left to start my 'new life' here with him. Even my cat is here in the US with me, and Aussie quarantine laws mean I won't be able to move her back home for at least six months, but I have to leave within two months so I won't be here to get her ready to travel. (I know lots of people don't understand being so attached to an animal, but my cat is family and leaving her behind would be heartbreaking for me. And I'm already pretty heartbroken over the wedding.) I don't have any family I can move in with back in Australia, so I'd be starting over back there with nowhere to go and no possessions beside the clothes and gadgets in my suitcase, as the few things I shipped won't arrive in the US for at least 2-3 months, and then it'll be another 3 months or so to ship it back again. Plus transporting me + my stuff + my cat back home again will be another $5-6K, and I just paid that much to move over here!

I gave up my old life to be with him, so going back means starting over again, and I just did that here a month ago. I'm tired, I'm out a lot of money, and I'm heartbroken that he'd cancel our wedding.

I don't know what to do.

Sorry to hear about your troubles. This guy is totally selfish! reading your post made me angry at this guy. You may not think so now, but this is probably a blessing in disguise. Do your best to get things in order and head back to Australia. And don't forget to kick him in the nuts for you and your cat on the way out.