How deal with parents who talk guilt?

[Alexander De Ridder 0]

(im 25 and never married before, and clara is my first love)

You may know lines like these:

since you are leaving you dont care for your family that you leave behind.

your grandma may not live much longer

tried crying, beiing unreasonable, overly worried, and yes at times even excited in my place

Parents are undergoing a lot of emotions when their child leaves home,

especially if its that far ... I am moving from Belgium to Houston and leave behind

a great country and family (incl uncles, aunts, cousins ..) thats really good to me.

But what Clara is experiencing tops all that .......

as some of you may know her dad had a tragic accident where he got shot by a thief and

ends up not beiing able to walk. Her family is hispanic.

last week her dad told clara: i am dieing here and you are leaving me behind like that?

for the record: he's not dieing.......

then this week he called her at 3am and said you are still my little girl. (she's 22) in my eyes

you are still 17 or 18. I want you to wait 4 more years to get married. Its too soon.

He says what about your sister she didnt finish college yet. And you are throwing your dreams away.

Then he sent her off saying: If i call you back for help .. dont bother comming .. I have to get used

to it you wont be there anymore.

monday she was about to leave to book the reception place, but he forbid her of going. he changed

his mind tuesday after his wife talked to the father.

He had a independant shoe repair before the accident, for years. He had a house but sold it and put the money

on the bank but doesnt want to use it because he dreams of building a ranch, didn't get insurance for him and his family.

He got consequences of that now ...

Its not like they can not survive without Clara. They just RELY on her because its easy to.

They ask her to pay for some of their bills because she's working. But like last week her dad wanted

the most expensive fajitas from the most expensive store, and wanted Clara to pay for it. Clara is saving to pay for her

wedding. She can not save because they constantly ask her to help pay for everything.

They still have their business, but her sister, mom often decide to close 'early' ... results in losing customers ... and lower

income.

Her mom didnt insure her car yesterday she got stopped by the police. Who's gonna pay this bill?

She was eventually allowed to visit me in Belgium, on one condition: the dad wanted the mom to go with her.

Clara had to pay for her ticket, and her moms.

Guess who bought her wedding dress? Not her parents. Mine.

Her dad says you dont need a wedding reception: just get a paper and sign it that you are married.

The perfect solution for no commitments on helping.

Before his accident he was already controlling : his wife cant go to the grocery store without him, he yelled at his kids if they

were 2 minutes late from doing an errand for him and made up silly strict rules however he felt.

You are not going to the movies .. and then 2 minutes before it starts he gives them permission to go.

He was a difficult personality and Clara and him had conflicts in the past because of that, but his accident changed all that.

Now he is vulnerable, sitting at home all day with his injury, and nothing else on his mind but to worry 24-7.

Her sister just turned 18 and still doesnt drive. Her mom is afraid to drive in the dark. So they can not miss clara, unless her sister

would learn to drive. But ... her sister needs new glasses. Oh wait ... until 18 government pays for your glasses. But ... she

just turned 18 ..... who's gonna pay this bill?

He is putting Clara down. She feels shelfish and it takes her joy away.

Its hard for me ... we are about to get married in april, her parents are to my cultural standards plain irresponsable and

too reliant on her. Children are not supposed to 'support' parents when they are in their fourties, especially not when they still got

land property and money and a business. They dont help they just make it hard for Clara to save anything.

On top of that they talk guilt into her.

Last year (before the accident) she just wanted to get away from it as soon as she could, and now she feels selfish of leaving them.

It hurts me because I love her, and I dont want to see her hurt. I asked if she is sure she wants to marry me, and she says yes every time.

But she keeps brining up the subject of guilt, and I just feel terrible.

I'm also afraid they will try to control my life when we are married. Clara wants to live close to her work and thats only 20 minutes away

from her parents. That means they can call her to do groceries 24-7, and I think she would do it. Will I leave my parents and country to start my own life,

only to replace them by a even more controlling alternative? Will I hurt my wife by trying to prevent that? Her parents are, and can in the future,

make it very difficult for me to be a good husband for my wife.

She has the right to her own life ... just like her dad left everyone in his family in peru when he was young and headed off to usa to pursue his own

monetary dreams.

How do I deal with this?

Edited January 5, 2007 by Alexander De Ridder

[midicat 0]

It really seems like her parents are majorly overcontrolling, I think she needs to fuss it up and tell them outright "Look i'm getting married, that's all there is to it, and you can't control my life anymore." I don't think anything will change from the way it is now until she does that to be honest. If she doesn't stick up for herself and tell them to stop being so controlling over her life, because it's her life to live, then they will keep trying to live it for her.

Ontop of that though, if she is working full-time etc and her parents don't agree she should be paying for her own wedding. She shouldn't leave buying the dress up to your parents. And as far as the car not being insured, why wasn't she paying for her own insurance instead of relying on her parents to do so? In most states its a law to be insured before driving a vehicle.

I really don't think she should feel selfish though for trying to make her own life. I suppose it'll be easier once you've moved over and can actually reassure her that she's doing the right thing when she first tells her parents no she won't do something for them.

[heishe 2]

Clara needs to learn how to take care of herself and stand up to her parents.

I mean, obviously.

Edited January 5, 2007 by heishe

[Killer_Clown_2009 0]

The father is obviously a control freak. She needs some serious counselling because there is no way on earth that she should feel any guilt over this. If she is not aware that her father has issues and she is not going to stand up to him, your married life together is in jeopardy.

[Thingee 0]

She needs to stand up to them NOW. You're having issues with their treatment of her already, and you aren't witnessing it first hand. My family has a bully as well(that's what your future father-in-law is), and my SO was shocked at his behavior on his last visit. It will be harder when you're actually physically there watching it happen, and believe you me, it will cause major tension between the 2 of you. Better for her to stand up now than wait for your arrival..if she waits it'll be 'Your just doing this because of HIM.' Voila, you are the bad guy, a crown you may be willing to wear for her benefit, but which could cause issues in the long run.

[dougyceci 0]

The fact Clara wants to live close to her parents should tell you something. This is something you need to learn to deal with. I have found that the latino culture is one of a close knit families that help each other out forever. With time, money, sacrifice, you name it. The family will always be the most important thing. You need to get used to spending a lot of time with them and yes, helping each other out financially when needed. You will have your own lives, but from time to time may need to say, no, we need some time alone. To me, it is one of the endearing qualities of the culture, one I value in my relationship. Dad here may be a bit overzealous but maybe in his eyes he is having a hard time dealing with his "little girl" growing up. Have patience, things usually work themselves out.

[*julez* 124]

A woman of 22 does not need her parent's permission to do ANYTHING. If she feels guilty and has trouble saying no to them then she shoul get some counseling that will help her develop the skills she needs to cope with the abuse she receives from her parents and effective ways for asserting her independence. Good luck, its not going to be easy.

[Marilyn. 340]

It really seems like her parents are majorly overcontrolling, I think she needs to fuss it up and tell them outright "Look i'm getting married, that's all there is to it, and you can't control my life anymore." I don't think anything will change from the way it is now until she does that to be honest. If she doesn't stick up for herself and tell them to stop being so controlling over her life, because it's her life to live, then they will keep trying to live it for her.

Ontop of that though, if she is working full-time etc and her parents don't agree she should be paying for her own wedding. She shouldn't leave buying the dress up to your parents. And as far as the car not being insured, why wasn't she paying for her own insurance instead of relying on her parents to do so? In most states its a law to be insured before driving a vehicle.

I really don't think she should feel selfish though for trying to make her own life. I suppose it'll be easier once you've moved over and can actually reassure her that she's doing the right thing when she first tells her parents no she won't do something for them.

I understood it, that the girl's mom didn't insure her own car... they just expect her to pay the ticket...

Edited January 5, 2007 by MarilynP

[featherB 1]

It really seems like her parents are majorly overcontrolling, I think she needs to fuss it up and tell them outright "Look i'm getting married, that's all there is to it, and you can't control my life anymore." I don't think anything will change from the way it is now until she does that to be honest. If she doesn't stick up for herself and tell them to stop being so controlling over her life, because it's her life to live, then they will keep trying to live it for her.

Ontop of that though, if she is working full-time etc and her parents don't agree she should be paying for her own wedding. She shouldn't leave buying the dress up to your parents. And as far as the car not being insured, why wasn't she paying for her own insurance instead of relying on her parents to do so? In most states its a law to be insured before driving a vehicle.

I really don't think she should feel selfish though for trying to make her own life. I suppose it'll be easier once you've moved over and can actually reassure her that she's doing the right thing when she first tells her parents no she won't do something for them.

I understood it, that the girl's mom didn't insure her own car... they just expect her to pay the ticket...

That's how I read it, too - it's the mum whose car isn't insured, and the daughter who is, for some unfathomable reason, expected to pay...

[midicat 0]

ah Gotcha. I read it as her mom didn't insure her car. Agreed then that's a bit over the top expecting her to pay for the ticket when it has nothing to do with her.

[Ladylethal 12]

I'd want to stay in Belgium and bring my wife over if I were you, and stay as far as possible from such controling people.

[Alexander De Ridder 0]

I'd want to stay in Belgium and bring my wife over if I were you, and stay as far as possible from such controling people.

I'm afraid this option is too late to consider. Perhaps after some years of marriage we can move to a different state.

How can I talk to Clara so she feels less pressured/guilty?

I would say an important time would be right after when we get married. Perhaps I should make it a two week honeymoon

instead of one, so that we are alone for a bit longer?

I'm afraid that as we approach the wedding they will demand for help like go help in their store

every saturday, while weekend time may be the only free time we have together as a couple.

[Alexander De Ridder 0]

The fact Clara wants to live close to her parents should tell you something. This is something you need to learn to deal with. I have found that the latino culture is one of a close knit families that help each other out forever. With time, money, sacrifice, you name it. The family will always be the most important thing. You need to get used to spending a lot of time with them and yes, helping each other out financially when needed. You will have your own lives, but from time to time may need to say, no, we need some time alone. To me, it is one of the endearing qualities of the culture, one I value in my relationship. Dad here may be a bit overzealous but maybe in his eyes he is having a hard time dealing with his "little girl" growing up. Have patience, things usually work themselves out.

I knew that about hispanics when I started to date Clara, but at that time she was tired herself of the way she was treated, and wanted to get out.

Therefore I had a different perception of her relationship with her dad. When he was at the hospital, I flew over and stayed with him for nights.

I am glad to find out there is more heart in her towards her parents, because that is always a good thing.

Its okay to be emotional .... myself I am very ... but there are the things that go to far that concern me ... talking guilt into someone.

We had both the most splendid feeling of love for eachother during her last stay in Belgium. It was never harder for me to say goodbye at the airport,

and I cried like a little girl, Clara didn't because she doesnt show her emotions like that with others around.

But just three days after she got home she was crying on the phone ..... because of her dad. That is what hurts me. And I can do nothing for her ...

[JenT 0]

You will be contributing to her co-dependency if she cannot begin to see where the boundaries are within her family and what they will need to be when you are married. Accept the fact that you will not be able to change her beliefs and her lifestyle. If you cannot accpet the way things are TODAY, they your future marriage is indeed in jeopardy.

She has to be willing to make the changes that are necessary and its clear that she can't do it alone. She needs profesisonal counseling and unless she's willing to do so, you might want to think very carefully about the life you are about to enter. One week, or even two, alone on a honeymoon is not going to change her behavior. And in fact, I predict that the 'power struggle' between you and her father will only intensify after you are married unless she takes steps to make you and your marriage a priority.

Sorry to be so blunt, but that's the way I see it.

Jen

[Nkybaby 0]

She needs to stand up to them NOW. You're having issues with their treatment of her already, and you aren't witnessing it first hand. My family has a bully as well(that's what your future father-in-law is), and my SO was shocked at his behavior on his last visit. It will be harder when you're actually physically there watching it happen, and believe you me, it will cause major tension between the 2 of you. Better for her to stand up now than wait for your arrival..if she waits it'll be 'Your just doing this because of HIM.' Voila, you are the bad guy, a crown you may be willing to wear for her benefit, but which could cause issues in the long run.

Sorry to hear about your other half's parents...Indeed it would be appropiate for her to discuss these concerns with her patents firmly. The sooner the better...actually as advice she should make an effort to talk to them before the 2 of you actually get married...because if she waits until later....after you get married...because they will say that is the reason...due to the fact they would like to overlook the real issue at hand...

Take care and remain blessed...It will all work out...

OH AND THINGEE....I NOTICE YOUR QUICK APPROVAL SO FAR ON YOUR TIME LINE...

Edited January 5, 2007 by Nkybaby