keeping love alive in trying times

[Telion 2]

I am finding that it can be very difficult for me to get through tough times in a long distance relationship. I love my doe dearly but when we argue I get fearful that it will be the last straw. What are some ways you have managed through hard times with your long distance love?

[dwinge 34]

Communicate. We're in touch, through text, chat or video basically all our waking hours, on a weekend we sometimes log on to a video call and then watch a movie 'together'. I write a letter every day and she'll send me voice clips she records on her phone, just every day stuff, thoughts and whatever is going on. This may be a bit much for most people I assume, but to us it's how things should be.

[M and C 32]

Prayer. It helped us a lot when my fiancé (now my husband) and I were still apart. We also made a conscious effort not to make any decisions in the heat of the moment. We usually waited until things started to simmer down, then talk about the issue in a calm manner. Bottom line, prayers helped a lot -- when we start to argue or be in conflict, we step aside to pray. It gave both of us a whole lot of different perspective so when we get back together and talk, we both were (we still do that now especially as a married couple) calm and ready to talk things through lovingly and peacefully.

[madtownguy 164]

Go out with other friends, enjoy life. Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

[Telion 2]

Prayer. It helped us a lot when my fiancé (now my husband) and I were still apart. We also made a conscious effort not to make any decisions in the heat of the moment. We usually waited until things started to simmer down, then talk about the issue in a calm manner. Bottom line, prayers helped a lot -- when we start to argue or be in conflict, we step aside to pray. It gave both of us a whole lot of different perspective so when we get back together and talk, we both were (we still do that now especially as a married couple) calm and ready to talk things through lovingly and peacefully.

This is great advice and something i need to do more of. In person I manage conflict well but when you are thousands of miles apart, it requires a different skill set you cant just hold and comfort each other. We don't argue often but it is painful (to both of us i am sure) when we do

Communicate. We're in touch, through text, chat or video basically all our waking hours, on a weekend we sometimes log on to a video call and then watch a movie 'together'. I write a letter every day and she'll send me voice clips she records on her phone, just every day stuff, thoughts and whatever is going on. This may be a bit much for most people I assume, but to us it's how things should be.

Thank you we do many of these things now but the sound and video clips we have not I don't know if that will help cm an argument but i do know that I miss hearing her voice a lot. I also like the movie idea because I have not watched one alone up to this point and thought I would rather wait for her. Thank you.

[Greenbaum 12,258]

Like others have stated, we communicate in the morning and in the evening, every day. When we have our problem moments we have to both be willing to swallow our pride and admit when we are wrong. If you can't do that simple task then things will only get worse as time goes on. And what will you do when you are in each others presence in person. That's when it really counts. Our moments over the last four years of arguments or disagreements has subsided to almost to the point now we never have any. When things would heat up we would use a tactic that I learned and that is one of us talks and the other keeps quiet till the first person finishes. Then it will be your turn and you talk and he/she will sit and listen. By both of you not talking at once, at least this way one is listening and one is talking as opposed to both talking and no one listening.

[Telion 2]

I could not agree more to communication being the key. And we spend most of our awake hours doing just that. All the advice so far has been wonderful. As for one person talking at a time I suppose tthat is one of few benefits to talking via instant message a little hard to talk over the other person. I have thought about this more and also think at least for me video conferencing with her calms me almost immediately. By no means am I a hot head or anything. Just seeking advice from those in similar situations as I. And hopefully this will help other couple in love frogman distance. I would love to hear more tips.

[benjNjolly 1]

Through time, my fiance and I learned that by giving your significant other some time alone when you fight is also important. By doing that, we'd get to reflect on what had happened, what was said and what the argument was really about. Usually when you're mad, you'd get to say things you don't mean and would regret eventually. So once we're both ready to talk, we could talk about the fight we had. That's where communication comes. Both of you should put your guard down and open up to your partner. My fiance was once an "it-is-what-it-is" kind of guy and would just keep things to himself. But as time passes, he learned to say what he feels and thinks.

I, too, couldn't last a day without hearing from my fiance.

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

I am finding that it can be very difficult for me to get through tough times in a long distance relationship. I love my doe dearly but when we argue I get fearful that it will be the last straw. What are some ways you have managed through hard times with your long distance love?

1st) FWIW - I really like the way you phrased your question. This question has been asked (by other VJs) many times and many different ways. (but) Most of the time = OP comes out swinging - Guns blazing... fingers pointing.. .insults & labels ..in other words = blame game presented by a "victim" that just can't take it anymore and and and...

I understand some relationships just ain't gonna work. (but) IMO - the blame game people disrespect / insult their relationship & themselves with each derogatory sentence they type & make themselves look like emotionally immature children.

You? You present your concern with appropriate respect for your SO & your relationship. You demonstrate emotional maturity, humility & a healthy pragmatic attitude re: managing relationship conflict. Good job!

2nd) Above posters advice re: communication - agreed...but for us.. sometimes, less is more. We prefer to "postpone" & "reschedule" some conflicts...especially when it's too hot & I / we run the risk of saying something I / we will regret later. (and for some odd but surely scientific reason - it's always me providing the regretful input . Go figure. )

& then...during the "cool down" phase...manage the relationship - biz as usual (albeit a little tense sometimes). We don't let the conflict control us...we control the conflict. We're not perfect.. but...practice makes perfect... and this strategy works for us.

We (also) decided early on that it's Okay to agree to disagree on the small stuff...work some of those little issues out at a more appropriate time.

I got more but I already rambled on too much... I leave with 2 last thoughts =

1) I am appropriately intimidated by my wife.

2) I've never found fighting helps me get the things I want. Difficult lesson to learn for some1 as spoiled as I am.

(I've been away for awhile & I don't know how to up a vid anymore - sorry but all I got is a link. Doesn't quite have the same effect but here it is anyway...)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVBnkOL-8Jw

[~happyndinlove~ 540]

- it's always me providing the regretful input . Go figure. )

Honey, I'm happy to see you're being accountable.

1) I am appropriately intimidated by my wife.

And rightly so, Dear...

2) I've never found fighting helps me get the things I want. Difficult lesson to learn for some1 as spoiled as I am.

And I'm glad you recognize that my highly intelligent husband.

Edited August 22, 2013 by ~happyndinlove~

[Juliet and Steve 93]

Many women ride a hormonal roller coaster. For some the effect is minor, for others it's major. PMS may be (or may not be a factor) as to "when" you have arguments.

Now most people think that PMS stands for Pre-menstrual Syndrome, but the reality can be found here, and along with it there are some pointers at how to...uh....survive.

Now some here may think that I'm talking tongue in cheek (jokingly) but in reality I'm not. PMS can be a major problem in a relationship.

If so it is wise to track your honey's menses so that you know: 1) When the next period starts and 2) so that you can define the "window" during which times you can do almost nothing right. Again--I'll reiterate that for many women the arguing may be unrelated but if the arguing is cyclical, knowing "when" is critical.

Since all women are different your results in said tracking may vary but I find it (Steve here) extremely valuable. It helps me to define when I need to wear radioactive/explosive/flameproof armor. Luckily I can predict the Prehistoric Monster Syndrome +/- about 2 days.

Now also please consider that such information can have significant pluses. Many women turn into monsters cyclically but at the same time they might also have attributes that can be exploited. It's like knowing when to open a bottle of honey whilst being attacked by a grizzly bear (a fearsome beast who loves honey above all other things -- for those who don't want to look up what a grizzly bear is). Interestingly too, while many women who turn into Prehistoric Monsters seem to have, if you can figure out how to access it--increased libido. Thus instead of having a nasty argument, instead, you might turn something horrid into something wonderful.

Edited August 22, 2013 by Juliet and Steve

[DavenRoxy 1,073]

Sometimes, walking away (or turning off Skype) during a heated battle can be tough to do, but Crash is Korek... "postpone and reschedule". Often, when revisited, the flaming tempers will not be present as they were before, making the previous argument seem as truly silly (as in unnecessary) as it was. I only wish I had the ability to see what I am doing JUST BEFORE I make the mistake of getting upset and pushing the argument farther. And since we are both stubborn, it's a bad combo. And though sometimes it seems like I "win", and she backs off, I am learning that this one just files it all away, and it WILL come up again later, and in such a way that I feel less than intelligent for my previous actions. Hmmmph.

Love the video, Steve, gonna hafta save that one. On that note, I remember an old neighbor... I was at their house once, and noticed a calendar with the words "he11 week" on it. Each month. I quietly asked the husband what that was all about, and all 4 of them jumped in with the explanation. Yes, it was a problem for them, and yes, it was documented, and everyone tiptoed during that week. I thought it was funny at the time (since my ex didn't ever seem to do the Prehistoric thing), but now I see the validity of keeping track.

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

I figured out how to up a vid!

I think the 2 vids fit the turn the thread has taken. It took me a while to catch & really understand the message this episode is sending.

(but) I think I finally got it. & getting it has paid big dividends.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbYsqtkK7P8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e76S1BtDyvg

Edited August 22, 2013 by Crashed~N2~Me

[Hank_ 9,171]

Many women ride a hormonal roller coaster. For some the effect is minor, for others it's major. PMS may be (or may not be a factor) as to "when" you have arguments.

Now most people think that PMS stands for Pre-menstrual Syndrome, but the reality can be found here, and along with it there are some pointers at how to...uh....survive.

PMS.... hmm... OK...

My favorite joke for my sister who can be a mega B* ... what is funny she calls it C-PMS (C is for Constant)

Why is it called PMS?

Because mad cow disease was already taken.

Edited August 22, 2013 by Hank_

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

I just now noticed your post....and my response? =

Gawd! You're so mean sometimes!