Husband kicked me out before ROC (split)

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Your constant use of CAPS are completely unnecessary.

Decent people do not kick people out of the house.

If he had the audacity to kick someone out of the house, then what's to say he would not take her money too?

She should remove her money from the bank as she has every right to.

If her name wasn't on the account, her checks would not get automatically deposited there so there's no reason she shouldn't take what is hers as soon as possible.

I do not advocate clearing out a bank account.

That's just plain dirty.

Thank you! and yes! I was not suggesting the OP clear out the account, only take what is hers. I hope he hasn't already cleared it out... you never know.

Working on the relationship is one thing, but he's completely controlling her. She needs to take back some of that control. It's her house too. It's her bank account too, her money too.. I don't understand why that person expects the OP to just lie down and take shitty treatment :S

[Caryh 5,206]

You are being ridiculous.

I simply suggested she take HER money out of the account after SHE stated all her money was in the account and she had no way to take it because he handles the finances. So... I'm not sure what your problem is. She needs money to live on and taking out her money is her right. Asking him simply alert's him to her situation and he will clear out the account. If he's already angry I have no doubt about that. I was not suggesting she take ALL the money, just HER money.

As KDH said, he kicked her out of the house. If he's already that irrational she needs to protect herself. He has no right to kick her out of the house. It's the marital home and she can go back there. I personally wouldn't because it seems he's got a bit of a problem, but that doesn't change the fact that he has no right to kick her out of HER home.

YOUR advice is to tell the OP to lay down and accept the treatment. She does NOT have to. Her money, her house, HER rights are what I'm talking about. You want her to "work on" the relationship but basically cow-towing to his wants. If that's what she wants to do, that's fine. That's her choice but she stated her money was in their JOINT account, she had every right to take HER money out of THEIR account.

Your generalisation about American's is also wrong. My husband never yells. He rarely raises his voice, so your assertions are wrong. I suggest you take a massive chill-pill.

The OP also isn't here asking for marital advice, she's asking about immigration advice. The OP states "Can somebody help me or have an idea what should I do, Is the U.S. government will going to send me back to may country or I have the right to stay here in the U.S.?" She later stated that he hadn't come to get her and mentioned her money situation: http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/436763-husband-kicked-me-out-before-roc-split/?p=6309774 I was reply to her questions, instead of NOT telling her the ways to get back HER money because "it will make working on the relationship difficult". You know what, he shouldn't have kicked her out of the house.

Someone who understands the cultural differences between Americans and Filipino will read what she has said much differently than how you are seeing this situation. And I would venture to bet from a Filipino point of view, your husband has yelled at you. As to not taking the money out, she has every right to access the money she puts in there and continues to put in there, but she won't see it that way. I watch my wife have the same point of view over our joint accounts and a year and half after we opened them she's just beginning to access funds without asking me to go get cash for her.

As to kicking her out of the house, her husband hasn't kicked her out, she left the house, she's considering it being kicked out until he asks her to return. This is where the whole pride thing comes in, she can't return until someone swallows their pride, either her by returning without being asked to, or him by asking her to return. Someone is required to swallow their pride when someone leaves the house, someone is required to shoulder the blame and be wrong before they can move on and for her to move home.

You are putting Western values and interpretations on Filipino culture, without really understanding where the OP is coming from culturally and what she is really saying. Yes she needs to learn some of the things you are saying, she needs to learn how Americans think to, and understand her husband in that light. Just as he needs to understand how her culture thinks about the same issues. Not everyone is capable of making this leap in understanding, but that doesn't mean anyone has been abused or is being abused.

Just because Filipinos speak English, it doesn't mean they're saying the same thing you and I would when they're saying the same words. I've learned that very well being married to one. As I learn more about their languages, I've come to understand that even better. The advice the OP is getting from a peer, is good. I may not agree with all of it, but I understand it because I understand my Filipina wife and her culture.

Vanessa, you're giving her great advice on the immigration side of things that she needs to know, but please leave the cultural and marriage issues to fellow Filipinos that have been through this. They're the ones that will truly understand what she's going through, where she's coming from, and where she can best get where she hopes to be. There are certainly cases where Filipina have been abused and controlled by spouses in the USA, and then us Americans can help guide them, I doubt this is one of them, but rather an inability of two people to adjust to each other's cultures.

[The Mean Lady 604]

Someone who understands the cultural differences between Americans and Filipino will read what she has said much differently than how you are seeing this situation. And I would venture to bet from a Filipino point of view, your husband has yelled at you. As to not taking the money out, she has every right to access the money she puts in there and continues to put in there, but she won't see it that way. I watch my wife have the same point of view over our joint accounts and a year and half after we opened them she's just beginning to access funds without asking me to go get cash for her.

As to kicking her out of the house, her husband hasn't kicked her out, she left the house, she's considering it being kicked out until he asks her to return. This is where the whole pride thing comes in, she can't return until someone swallows their pride, either her by returning without being asked to, or him by asking her to return. Someone is required to swallow their pride when someone leaves the house, someone is required to shoulder the blame and be wrong before they can move on and for her to move home.

You are putting Western values and interpretations on Filipino culture, without really understanding where the OP is coming from culturally and what she is really saying. Yes she needs to learn some of the things you are saying, she needs to learn how Americans think to, and understand her husband in that light. Just as he needs to understand how her culture thinks about the same issues. Not everyone is capable of making this leap in understanding, but that doesn't mean anyone has been abused or is being abused.

Just because Filipinos speak English, it doesn't mean they're saying the same thing you and I would when they're saying the same words. I've learned that very well being married to one. As I learn more about their languages, I've come to understand that even better. The advice the OP is getting from a peer, is good. I may not agree with all of it, but I understand it because I understand my Filipina wife and her culture.

Vanessa, you're giving her great advice on the immigration side of things that she needs to know, but please leave the cultural and marriage issues to fellow Filipinos that have been through this. They're the ones that will truly understand what she's going through, where she's coming from, and where she can best get where she hopes to be. There are certainly cases where Filipina have been abused and controlled by spouses in the USA, and then us Americans can help guide them, I doubt this is one of them, but rather an inability of two people to adjust to each other's cultures.

Cary, thank you for actually being civil with all of this.

At least you can present the facts in a decent manner.

But I still want to know, why does she say 'he sent me out of the house' if he hasn't kicked her out?

[Caryh 5,206]

Cary, thank you for actually being civil with all of this.

At least you can present the facts in a decent manner.

But I still want to know, why does she say 'he sent me out of the house' if he hasn't kicked her out?

He may have kicked her out, I'm just not assuming he did with how she presented it. Sending her out of the house can be as simple as her saying "I'm going to stay with my aunt" and him saying "Fine, go then". His failure to say "please don't leave" is easily interpreted as sending someone away. These two most likely have needed a cultural interpreter in order to not get into the situation they've created. BTW conflict resolution in Philippines is often handled through a third party just so no one can be considered as yelling and because the Filipino language is non determinate. The same sentence can mean many different things, so repeatedly going back and forth to clarify the true meaning is typical to. How Filipinos handle conflict, is poor at the very best. They avoid it with a whole series of rules to play by where essentially the issue or issues get ignored in the end, but a big drama will still be played out. Its hilarious to watch from the outside, but a real pain in the butt to deal with on the inside if you're an American. I think it was RLogan who once said on VJ that Filipinas are all like teenage girls and you have to treat them that way. While a very insensitive way to put it, from an American viewpoint I certainly could see his point.

[The Mean Lady 604]

LOL well thanks for the insight!

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Someone who understands the cultural differences between Americans and Filipino will read what she has said much differently than how you are seeing this situation. And I would venture to bet from a Filipino point of view, your husband has yelled at you. As to not taking the money out, she has every right to access the money she puts in there and continues to put in there, but she won't see it that way. I watch my wife have the same point of view over our joint accounts and a year and half after we opened them she's just beginning to access funds without asking me to go get cash for her.

As to kicking her out of the house, her husband hasn't kicked her out, she left the house, she's considering it being kicked out until he asks her to return. This is where the whole pride thing comes in, she can't return until someone swallows their pride, either her by returning without being asked to, or him by asking her to return. Someone is required to swallow their pride when someone leaves the house, someone is required to shoulder the blame and be wrong before they can move on and for her to move home.

You are putting Western values and interpretations on Filipino culture, without really understanding where the OP is coming from culturally and what she is really saying. Yes she needs to learn some of the things you are saying, she needs to learn how Americans think to, and understand her husband in that light. Just as he needs to understand how her culture thinks about the same issues. Not everyone is capable of making this leap in understanding, but that doesn't mean anyone has been abused or is being abused.

Just because Filipinos speak English, it doesn't mean they're saying the same thing you and I would when they're saying the same words. I've learned that very well being married to one. As I learn more about their languages, I've come to understand that even better. The advice the OP is getting from a peer, is good. I may not agree with all of it, but I understand it because I understand my Filipina wife and her culture.

Vanessa, you're giving her great advice on the immigration side of things that she needs to know, but please leave the cultural and marriage issues to fellow Filipinos that have been through this. They're the ones that will truly understand what she's going through, where she's coming from, and where she can best get where she hopes to be. There are certainly cases where Filipina have been abused and controlled by spouses in the USA, and then us Americans can help guide them, I doubt this is one of them, but rather an inability of two people to adjust to each other's cultures.

Agree with KDH, thank you for being civil. However with all due respect, I wasn't attempting to get into cultural matters and mentioned nothing of the sort until that person decided to attack me for saying this:

Go to the bank and take out the money. As far as i'm aware it couldn't go there if your name wasn't on the account so you should have access. If you don't, tell him you want your money out of the account. Tell your employer your banking details have changed. Do this ASAP in writing.

You'll see there is no cultural implication at all. I then of course felt the need to defend myself against that horrible person and their post filled with hate and condemnation for FOUR sentences :S

I do understand exactly what you're saying about the Fil-Am relationship which is why I usually endeavor not to get involved in the deep stuff. Thank you for explaining to myself and others how a Filipina would see this situation different to a "western woman".

Edited June 21, 2013 by VanessaTony

[Caryh 5,206]

Agree with KDH, thank you for being civil. However with all due respect, I wasn't attempting to get into cultural matters and mentioned nothing of the sort until that person decided to attack me for saying this:

You'll see there is no cultural implication at all. I then of course felt the need to defend myself against that horrible person and their post filled with hate and condemnation for FOUR sentences :S

I do understand exactly what you're saying about the Fil-Am relationship which is why I usually endeavor not to get involved in the deep stuff. Thank you for explaining to myself and others how a Filipina would see this situation different to a "western woman".

Or a western man like me for that matter. I've learned a few things the hard way and I'm still learning.

I do see the point they were taking and also the point you're making. If its really over between them she should be taking your advice. I'm just not so sure it is given things are over between them. And if its not over, then taking your advice could easily make it over. And the reply to you could have certainly been put a more positive way rather than make you feel attacked.

I'm hoping the OP and her husband find a way to reconcile and learn to understand each other. It not, at least she has a bit more knowledge of her rights here in the USA.

I know what you mean about avoid certain topics where cross cultural relations come into play. Heck even without mixing cultures they're complex enough.

[Sandra G. 5,009]

Abuse has no nationality!!!!! I don't give a damn if the individual is from Philippine,China,Brazil,Japan, Africa etc

[Piso Envy 5]

Your constant use of CAPS are completely unnecessary.

I hope VanessaTony got your message loud and clear.

[Piso Envy 5]

Thank you! and yes! I was not suggesting the OP clear out the account, only take what is hers. I hope he hasn't already cleared it out... you never know.

Edited June 21, 2013 by Piso Envy

[InHisTime 110]

Marriage is not an easy journey. If you really love him, you may try to fix your relationship with your husband as long he is open for change. Never keep saying the word "divorce" especially when you both are angry. At this point, maybe you can still give him chance to work on the relationship......keep working on it.....we all fall short, but with God's grace everthing is possible.

However, if he is a jerk....and continues to be one, then I think you need to make a decision for yourself. Respect is very important in a relationship to grow, work and last long. If he really kicked you out of the house and said "foul" words to you...over and over....well, you have to realized soon before you've lost your patience. Don't be a victim of abuse -- just to get your US permanent residency. Your honor, digniity and self-respect as a woman are more important than anything. We all live once on earth, let us try to live life without regrets. I wish you well and hope God would guide and give you the strength you need to overcome the challenges you have. Keep records of all evidences of your good intentions in your marriage. These maybe helpful in any eventualities. God bless you.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Just because Filipinos speak English, it doesn't mean they're saying the same thing you and I would when they're saying the same words. I've learned that very well being married to one. As I learn more about their languages, I've come to understand that even better. The advice the OP is getting from a peer, is good. I may not agree with all of it, but I understand it because I understand my Filipina wife and her culture.

Just to add to that - the version of English that many Filipinos speak has meandered or evolved very differently from the way we Americans speak English. For example, all nouns can become verbs and verbs have no indication of time. My wife will say, 'I drive...' and it could mean that she's currently driving or she will in the future, or she's telling me something she did three days ago. It's up to the listener to either guess when or ask a lot of questions. The problem with asking a lot of questions is that my wife often gets frustrated when she realizes that I have no idea what she just told me. I can tell you it is an ongoing challenge for us and I thought that with enough years of immersion (she's been here since 2007), that she'd start to structure her sentences more like we do, but it hasn't really happened. IMO, Filipinos who struggle with communication should take an ESL class and possibly some Communication classes, because they need to learn how to effectively communicate if they are going to live here. It's not just with their spouses, but every time they go to a restaurant and order something, or when they have to interact with others at work - they've got to be able to understand and to be understood.

Edited June 26, 2013 by Lincolns mullet