PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT

[amanda1005 2]

Hi All.

My fiance and I just discussed about prenuptial agreement...He wants us to have a prenuptial agreement.I know know he loves and trust me...but still I feel sad because its like he is thinking that I might get his money and leave him????I am not after his money ..I love him dearly....and I agreed to what he wants.My question is...Is it natural to have prenuptial agreement in America?I was offended honestly.

[Bugs 455]

Things like this are indeed foreign in the Philippines. They don't even allow divorce there. So it is understandable that you would be offended. It is quite common here in the U.S., however, so I wouldn't take it as a sign of him being unsure about you or having second thoughts. For some, it is just practical wisdom. My advice would be to talk to him about your feelings and get him to understand them and address them.

On an unrelated note, it's understandable if he wants to do that after reading all the horror stories on VJ lately, about divorces before the probationary green card. It's why I created a thread asking for marriage advice specific to foreigners, but nobody seems to have anything to offer on that.

Edited June 8, 2013 by Leon & Mylen

[Merrytooth 5,748]

A prenuptial agreement is not only protecting your fiance. It can also protect your interests in the event of divorce, or death.

You can add your terms in the prenuptial agreement as well, like stating what you are entitled to, during divorce/death.

Don't take it too negatively. It hurts feelings when the topic is first brought up.

Keep an open mind, be honest and frank in your discussions with your fiance.

[amanda1005 2]

...I was really offended..we just talked about it earlier and I can't stop crying when I think about it...Well,maybe because I really don't think about it "him and me"getting a divorce ..the only thing I think about now is to be with him!!!and then boom all of a sudden I get this kind of conversation from him...But I understand him as well...and I am not marrying him for his money so thats fine.thanks

Hi Merrytooth

So I can add my terms????so that means it is not only him who will decide on whatever is to be written in that agreement?

[Cathi 5,769]

It isn't an uncommon thing. It also protects your best interests, as well as his.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

My fiance and I just discussed about prenuptial agreement...He wants us to have a prenuptial agreement.I know know he loves and trust me...but still I feel sad because its like he is thinking that I might get his money and leave him????I am not after his money ..I love him dearly....and I agreed to what he wants.My question is...Is it natural to have prenuptial agreement in America?I was offended honestly.

No-one wants their relationship to end, but many do.

It's also more common to have a lot of anger and hatred during a divorce. The pre-nuptial agreement takes care of a lot of the negativity because it's already established, during a time of love, who gets what. Rather than during a divorce where often most are trying to punish each other and fight over ridiculous things. Here's a few examples:

- a woman who deliberately tried to claim her husbands Collectible toys. They were prior to the marriage and she didn't even like them, she just knew they were now worth money and wanted to punish him.

- a guy who didn't like that his wife (who earns WAY more money than him) filed for divorce. He thought she'd accept the cheating :S So while at work he destroyed the kitchen, cut up all her work clothes, cut himself and put the blood all over the bed and slashed the bed and a few other things. He also stole all of the expensive house items (and even sold her mothers items to a pawn shop which luckily she found). When challenged in court about it he said he didn't have them. They judge knew he was lying and threatened him with jail if he the items didn't appear. They appeared the next day in a trailer that was also stolen.

- a couple where they're literally fighting over who gets the kitchen faucet.

- a couple who's divorce lasted over FIVE YEARS (he'd worked his way up the corporate ladder during their marriage and she was accustomed to a certain lifestyle and wanted an ENORMOUS settlement).

I guarantee those people felt love in the beginning but they certainly don't now. It would have been easier in all cases if there had been a pre-nup.

A pre-nup protects you AND him. You should go over it with our own lawyer. Determine what you would want if the relationship were to collapse. Would you want alimony for a certain period? Would you want him to pay for your flight back to your country? Would you want physical custody of the kids? It's not pleasant to think about a relationship breaking down, and things do change over the years too so make sure it protects you as well. Then live secure in the knowledge that you'll never need to use it but i you do, remember it came from a time of love and remember why you loved each other.

[Inky 1,111]

Hi Merrytooth

So I can add my terms????so that means it is not only him who will decide on whatever is to be written in that agreement?

Yes you can add your own terms its something that is written together. To protect both of you.

If hes writing it by himself and wont let you include anything, then I would be upset at that time.

If you are not happy with what it says do not sign it until changes are made so you are both happy with it.

Its not nice to talk about no, but things happen and you should be prepared/protected if something does.

[Merrytooth 5,748]

A pre-nup protects you AND him. You should go over it with our own lawyer. Determine what you would want if the relationship were to collapse. Would you want alimony for a certain period? Would you want him to pay for your flight back to your country? Would you want physical custody of the kids? It's not pleasant to think about a relationship breaking down, and things do change over the years too so make sure it protects you as well. Then live secure in the knowledge that you'll never need to use it but i you do, remember it came from a time of love and remember why you loved each other.

Vanessa & Tony is correct. You have rights to make demand in the prenuptial agreement too.

You should only sign the prenuptial agreement after both of you agree to the terms. Talk to your own lawyer about it.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

So I can add my terms????so that means it is not only him who will decide on whatever is to be written in that agreement?

Yes exactly! it's an AGREEMENT, meaning you need to agree to what's in it. So if he says that you're entitled to nothing if you divorce, I wouldn't agree with that.

Normally they say stuff like you get to keep everything you brought into the marriage and a share of the things obtained during the marriage. Sometimes there may be a section about how much money you are to get per year to live on (even during the marriage, like an allowance), sometimes how much you get is dependent on how long you've been married. So after 2 years you'll get more than the first year. I would include things about kids (living with your primarily and he paying child support and getting visitation), stuff like that.

Tell him you're willing to consider signing an agreement but that you want your own lawyer to look at it and add your own terms. If he doesn't readily agree to that then I would be insulted as well. The marriage is about both of you, and so the agreement should be as well. Also, it has been known for some judges to ignore pre-nuptial agreements in times where they really side with one person. So it's in his best interest for both of you to actually come to an agreement.

[julitathomas0810 30]

...I was really offended..we just talked about it earlier and I can't stop crying when I think about it...Well,maybe because I really don't think about it "him and me"getting a divorce ..the only thing I think about now is to be with him!!!and then boom all of a sudden I get this kind of conversation from him...But I understand him as well...and I am not marrying him for his money so thats fine.thanks

Hi Merrytooth

So I can add my terms????so that means it is not only him who will decide on whatever is to be written in that agreement?

The issue here is not the prenuptial agreement . Yes , it is an issue that you need to address .The issue is what this will do to your relationship . By your comments you are clearly upset over this . This has raised questions that appear have not been answered by your fiance . Perhaps the language is an issue as sometimes effects my relationship with my fiancee . I would begin the conversation to restate that you are OK with this decision . You would like to talk about how this has made you feel . That's the best advice I can offer without knowing exactly why he has asked for this . To not let this effect the relationship and have the two of you understand each other .

[julitathomas0810 30]

Yes exactly! it's an AGREEMENT, meaning you need to agree to what's in it. So if he says that you're entitled to nothing if you divorce, I wouldn't agree with that.

Normally they say stuff like you get to keep everything you brought into the marriage and a share of the things obtained during the marriage. Sometimes there may be a section about how much money you are to get per year to live on (even during the marriage, like an allowance), sometimes how much you get is dependent on how long you've been married. So after 2 years you'll get more than the first year. I would include things about kids (living with your primarily and he paying child support and getting visitation), stuff like that.

Tell him you're willing to consider signing an agreement but that you want your own lawyer to look at it and add your own terms. If he doesn't readily agree to that then I would be insulted as well. The marriage is about both of you, and so the agreement should be as well. Also, it has been known for some judges to ignore pre-nuptial agreements in times where they really side with one person. So it's in his best interest for both of you to actually come to an agreement.

Very good advice here and this could just be from insecurity or bad advice from friends or family . Let's face it more often then not they might not agree with a relationship such as this . The high fraud from the Philippines puts this issue to many . It's a shame since there are plenty of women in the country who are not like this . Yes a lot of horror stories , but so many more wonderful stories . A true Filipina is a wonderful loving and caring woman . Who will love you until the end of time itself . So many wonderful values and qualities that just make you feel so special to be with her . I would not personally ask this of my fiancee , but he has . Just deal with the issues that truly bother you and overcome this now instead of later .

[Anna Grant 169]

It is not at all unusual for an American to ask for a pre-nup. Especially if this is not going to be their first marriage. They want to protect themselsves and often their children from a previous marriage. He may be 100% confident in you but he may also want to demonstrate to other people that you're not in it for the money.

I am the benficiary and I offered up-front to sign a pre-nup to protect my husband to be, He has two grown up children - i have no children and I am too old to consider having children now. His lawyer suggested to him that if he married again, he should insist on a pre-nup (that's from his experience helping my fiance through his last divorce).

However, even after all that, my fiance refuses to consider a pre-nup. We have discussed how we will devise our wills after we are married as I have no relatives but that is as far as it goes.

[Lynkali 163]

Tell him you're willing to consider signing an agreement but that you want your own lawyer to look at it and add your own terms. If he doesn't readily agree to that then I would be insulted as well.

At least here in California, you must have two separate lawyers involved in a pre-nup. One for the husband and one to represent the wife's interests. If the same lawyer tries to represent both, there is a huge conflict of interest and that isn't allowed or advisable. I am in the process of trying to find a second lawyer for my fiance, while he's still abroad, and that's a little difficult because he can't consult with them until he's here. But it is the way to go, absolutely!

I've never been married before and have NO plans on divorcing, but my fiance and I are in the process of drawing up a pre-nup -- we BOTH want it, it is in both of our best interests and it will protect both of us from any unforeseen future problems. I find it absolutely normal and I wish everyone would have one: it is something you create while you are in love, caring and looking out for each other's best interests, in order to protect EACH OTHER. I also think it's very common in the USA and not looked on as something bad at all.

I actually find it romantic. Maybe I'm weird. But I see it as: I care SO MUCH for my fiance and want him to be safe and happy and protected in case anything goes wrong. By feeling that now and drawing up an agreement for any future issues, I am promising to do well by him forever.

A prenup does not in any way mean that you do not trust or love each other. On the contrary, I treat it as an act of love and care. It's like taking out an insurance policy: does that mean you think you're going to be hospitalized? Of course not, but it's worth having in the chance of something going wrong.

[batallion9 50]

A pernup is actually recommended in many guides( Foreign Bride 101, Love Afar, Doing It Again, etc...) in marrying a foreign bride. I am in the process of bringing my fiancé from Ukraine. We have discussed this at length. My house is paid for, I have worked hard to build up my 401K,I have an account set up for my infant daughters college. We agree that what was prior to marriage - she has no right to. After marriage, I give her life residence in the house, but at her death - the house goes to my daughter. If I die and she remarries, then she must leave the house. What goes into my 401K( start new 401K) after marriage is half hers (state law) as is half ownership in anything we buy , invest, or acquire. She has a small daughter and I am setting up an account for her college fund, that I will match what ever my future wife puts in. I fully plan to provide for her daughter, as I would my own. Marriage is a joint venture!

[Merrytooth 5,748]

A pernup is actually recommended in many guides( Foreign Bride 101, Love Afar, Doing It Again, etc...) in marrying a foreign bride. I am in the process of bringing my fiancé from Ukraine. We have discussed this at length. My house is paid for, I have worked hard to build up my 401K,I have an account set up for my infant daughters college. We agree that what was prior to marriage - she has no right to. After marriage, I give her life residence in the house, but at her death - the house goes to my daughter. If I die and she remarries, then she must leave the house. What goes into my 401K( start new 401K) after marriage is half hers (state law) as is half ownership in anything we buy , invest, or acquire. She has a small daughter and I am setting up an account for her college fund, that I will match what ever my future wife puts in. I fully plan to provide for her daughter, as I would my own. Marriage is a joint venture!

Sounds fair and reasonable to me.