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Another heartbreak

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It was my decision not to AOS after the wedding, but instead try living in my country. It was my decision to wait 11 months with the I-130 and try to get her a residence permit in my country first. And during our separation, there were plenty of times when I could have potentially done more to make sure the distance wasn't so obvious. But in the end, they weren't all my decisions alone, I had a big say, but we did make these decisions together.

Sounds familiar. We were separated intermittently for almost three years while engaged and married, often because of decisions he made. They were "our" decisions insomuch as they had some practical aspects and I never gave him an ultimatum regarding them once he had made up his mind. Still they resulted, among other things, in me being by myself while I moved across the country twice, had surgery, recovered from a car accident, and took and eventually left a job I hated. It was really difficult to feel like he had chosen to let me go through those things alone, when I mostly didn't have to.

So I can see some things from your wife's perspective: the decisions that keep you apart really can feel like betrayal, abandonment, or rejection. They're not necessarily inconsequential sleights that disappear just by reuniting.

BUT, despite that, it's hard to imagine cheating without having decided that the marriage is over. The fact that she seems set on justifying her actions implies to me that she's still blaming you for the separation, still waiting for you to make all that time and distance up to her- which would be hard enough to work through if you weren't now waiting (if you choose to) for her to try to re-earn your trust. Kind of an emotional Mexican stand-off.

You seem like an empathetic, level-headed guy. I fear that if she doesn't own up to the fact that she really really has something serious she needs to try to make up to you, fixing things might be a hard and lonely battle on your end even if you decide you want to.

I'm really sorry that you're going through this.

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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Ukraine
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I am curious what you would do if one day you return home from work and find your wife in bed with another man and your children sleeping next door?

I'm sure that is not on on your 10 best things list either.wacko.gif

OH, now I see! I should leave my children fatherless because she had sex? Brilliant idea. We need more fatherless children and broken homes because a man can't be a man and deal with difficulties in his marriage.

Get with it. You understand that by age 45, 90% of men and 75% of women have had adulterous affairs, right? Now if you want to fantasize that you and your wife are somehow different and she will never have sex with anyone again the rest of her life, then by all means, carry on.

I am saying a marriage and family are more valuable than sex. I am saying my wife and I have endured much more difficulties than sex and we are still married. Trust and sex are not mutually exclusive...stop pretending.

VERMONT! I Reject Your Reality...and Substitute My Own!

Gary And Alla

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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Denmark
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Then don't cheat. Be honest. But it seems like this woman CANNOT be honest because WE (people in general) make it impossible to be honest about SEX!

Gambling, alcoholism, drug abuse, criminal activity, ALL involve WAY MORE! ALWAYS. Yet people ALWAYS try to work with it, help that person, cure it, fix it...and they will live with lies, cheating, theft, because it is "an addiction" and spend thousands on therapy, lose thousands in expenses for these evil things...all because they LOVE someone.

You would DIE for her, right? You would KILL for her, right? You would go through years of therapy for alcoholism, drug abuse, gambling...right?

But let her touch another ####### and OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DIVORCE! IMMEDIATELY! THROW OUT THE FAMILY! Children? Who cares? Leave them fatherless! Yeah, that's what the world needs, more fatherless children! It was SEX. We MUST! It was SEX! SEX, you understand! SEX! OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's nonsense. Total, utter nonsense.

And by the way, I am not judging...people who say to "divorce her" are judging. I am saying..."You love her, you went through this USCIS mess for her, she moved across the world for you, you moved across the world for her...and you will throw her out because she had sex?"

That's just stupid.

Again, it isn't just the sex and they don't have children yet, so I don't see the comparison. I know a few couples that have stayed together after cheating because of the children. They seem right miserable and the kids know there are a lot of issues. People think kids are stupid or don't see things for what they really are. "Oh, mommy stayed with daddy after he cheated on her, I should let men do that to me in the future." You know children model what they see, right?

People divorce all the time over the issues you mentioned. My step-father, who raised me from the time I was little was an alcoholic. It got very bad after his parents died. Between my mother divorcing him and me swearing to never to speak to him again, it motivated him enough to get sober for the first time in his life. He was sober 14 years when he died and we were still very close. This breakdown of the family doesn't have to occur at all. He and my mother were still friendly even after he did some trust violating things when they were married. He still came to Christmas and Thanksgiving and was there when I had my daughter. In his final months, he stayed at my mother's house. The love and friendship can still be there between mature adults, even if it is best they aren't married anymore.

I'm really failing to see your point with all this. A real man will be a father even if he is no longer married to the children's mother. Only a whimpy and pathetic man leaves his children fatherless. (Which doesn't apply to the OP at all so I really don't get where you are heading...)

3/2/18  E-filed N-400 under 5 year rule

3/26/18 Biometrics

7/2019-12/2019 (Yes, 16- 21 months) Estimated time to interview MSP office.

 

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Filed: IR-1/CR-1 Visa Country: Canada
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But it's not about sex - cheating is way more than just sex and somehow you refuse to acknowledge it. People cheat on each other without having sex with another person and it hurts as bad as they would...

Agreed, I'm not going to make some new username to hide from it, I'll just outright admit I was guilty of this.

And the "other man" would be my current husband.

It did nothing but cause issues with my husband too.

I had pretty much checked out of my previous relationship.

It was with someone that was too young to be in a relationship as far as I'm concerned.

We had been together for 2.5 years already and at that point he was almost 21,but still acting like a child.

I was 24, so the maturity level was way off and he was only ever playing video games and asking me for money.

That's actually not so different from my husband lmao but he cares for me in other way as well.

ANYWAYS, I was only friends with my husband, Matt, at the time and eventually it seemed like more.

I never wanted anything to do with my boyfriend, and only ever wanted to talk to Matt.

My boyfriend eventually caught on and was a bit upset, but we both realized that we'd pretty much only been "just friends" for about a year and he got over it really quickly.

However, while I might not have done that much damage to him, I screwed myself over with Matt.

My boyfriend, will, and I intended to continue to be friends, but Matt only continued to see the possibility of cheating.

If I cheated on Will with Matt, even if just emotionally, then I could do it again.

And I think it's a mental problem with myself as well.

I'm very conscious to not get close to other people because I don't want to make that mistake again.

I try very hard to be invested completely in my husband and that's all because I love him SO much.

OP, even if you do give your wife another chance, you will continue to be paranoid about this for a long long time.

Eventually, you will be able to hide the feelings, like my husband does towards me, but they'll still be there.

They very rarely go away as it's the type of hurt that stays with you for a long time.

oldlady.gif

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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Ukraine
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Again, it isn't just the sex and they don't have children yet, so I don't see the comparison. I know a few couples that have stayed together after cheating because of the children. They seem right miserable and the kids know there are a lot of issues. People think kids are stupid or don't see things for what they really are. "Oh, mommy stayed with daddy after he cheated on her, I should let men do that to me in the future." You know children model what they see, right?

People divorce all the time over the issues you mentioned. My step-father, who raised me from the time I was little was an alcoholic. It got very bad after his parents died. Between my mother divorcing him and me swearing to never to speak to him again, it motivated him enough to get sober for the first time in his life. He was sober 14 years when he died and we were still very close. This breakdown of the family doesn't have to occur at all. He and my mother were still friendly even after he did some trust violating things when they were married. He still came to Christmas and Thanksgiving and was there when I had my daughter. In his final months, he stayed at my mother's house. The love and friendship can still be there between mature adults, even if it is best they aren't married anymore.

I'm really failing to see your point with all this. A real man will be a father even if he is no longer married to the children's mother. Only a whimpy and pathetic man leaves his children fatherless. (Which doesn't apply to the OP at all so I really don't get where you are heading...)

We are probably going to have to agree to disagree on this.

How many people divorce their spouse the first time they get drunk? Use drugs or gamble? They say they won't drink again...but they do. Divorce the 2nd they drink?

My family depends on me. My children depend on me (I have 4, so I am not talking out my @ss) So if my wife has sex ONCE, or twice or three times with someone else, I should divorce her, go through custody battles, call my children's mother a ####### and split our family assets (their assets) and jeapordize the children's future ...for sex? Sorry. Ain't happenin' to my kids.

I took an oath to, above all, love my wife unconditionally. The oath we took was to each other and were vows we could live with forever. We did not take an oath someone else wrote for their purposes, there are two parties in our marriage, not three. The oath is ours, it is not some entity we expect someone else to abide by.

You seem to be having trouble getting past the fact that I would DIE for my wife. Would you? Without hesitation, I would sacrifice my life to save hers, or the children's. My marriage and my wife and family mean THAT much to me. I would take myself out of the picture ONLY if it were to save their life. I simply would not consider throwing them out because of sex. It is NOT about trust, stop handing me that BS. There are many ways to break trust, including addictions, and no one suggests not working on those issues before bailing out. If someone's addiction is so bad that it is a bigger threat to the family than a breakup...then you get divorced to protect the family.

Sex is never a bigger threat than a breakup.

VERMONT! I Reject Your Reality...and Substitute My Own!

Gary And Alla

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Filed: IR-1/CR-1 Visa Country: Canada
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We are probably going to have to agree to disagree on this.

How many people divorce their spouse the first time they get drunk? Use drugs or gamble? They say they won't drink again...but they do. Divorce the 2nd they drink?

My family depends on me. My children depend on me (I have 4, so I am not talking out my @ss) So if my wife has sex ONCE, or twice or three times with someone else, I should divorce her, go through custody battles, call my children's mother a ####### and split our family assets (their assets) and jeapordize the children's future ...for sex? Sorry. Ain't happenin' to my kids.

I took an oath to, above all, love my wife unconditionally. The oath we took was to each other and were vows we could live with forever. We did not take an oath someone else wrote for their purposes, there are two parties in our marriage, not three. The oath is ours, it is not some entity we expect someone else to abide by.

You seem to be having trouble getting past the fact that I would DIE for my wife. Would you? Without hesitation, I would sacrifice my life to save hers, or the children's. My marriage and my wife and family mean THAT much to me. I would take myself out of the picture ONLY if it were to save their life. I simply would not consider throwing them out because of sex. It is NOT about trust, stop handing me that BS. There are many ways to break trust, including addictions, and no one suggests not working on those issues before bailing out. If someone's addiction is so bad that it is a bigger threat to the family than a breakup...then you get divorced to protect the family.

Sex is never a bigger threat than a breakup.

If that's your thought process, then fine, but I wonder if your wife feels the same about you sleeping with other women.

Edited by KDH

oldlady.gif

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My family depends on me. My children depend on me (I have 4, so I am not talking out my @ss) So if my wife has sex ONCE, or twice or three times with someone else, I should divorce her, go through custody battles, call my children's mother a ####### and split our family assets (their assets) and jeapordize the children's future ...for sex? Sorry. Ain't happenin' to my kids.

Would it make a difference if she brings home diseases from that? Or babies, maybe trying to pass them off as your own? Or if she tries to make the affair permanent?

Edited by Laser1
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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Denmark
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Would it make a difference if she brings home diseases from that? Or babies, maybe trying to pass them off as your own? Or if she tries to make the affair permanent?

Or a jilted lover who won't go away?

3/2/18  E-filed N-400 under 5 year rule

3/26/18 Biometrics

7/2019-12/2019 (Yes, 16- 21 months) Estimated time to interview MSP office.

 

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Would it make a difference if she brings home diseases from that? Or babies, maybe trying to pass them off as your own? Or if she tries to make the affair permanent?

At this rate, she'll enjoy it that much with the new guy that Gary will have to make room in the bed for a third person!.....no-one wants sloppy seconds from their wife/husband, you married that person to be with you and no-one else.....

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We are probably going to have to agree to disagree on this.

How many people divorce their spouse the first time they get drunk? Use drugs or gamble? They say they won't drink again...but they do. Divorce the 2nd they drink?

My family depends on me. My children depend on me (I have 4, so I am not talking out my @ss) So if my wife has sex ONCE, or twice or three times with someone else, I should divorce her, go through custody battles, call my children's mother a ####### and split our family assets (their assets) and jeapordize the children's future ...for sex? Sorry. Ain't happenin' to my kids.

I took an oath to, above all, love my wife unconditionally. The oath we took was to each other and were vows we could live with forever. We did not take an oath someone else wrote for their purposes, there are two parties in our marriage, not three. The oath is ours, it is not some entity we expect someone else to abide by.

You seem to be having trouble getting past the fact that I would DIE for my wife. Would you? Without hesitation, I would sacrifice my life to save hers, or the children's. My marriage and my wife and family mean THAT much to me. I would take myself out of the picture ONLY if it were to save their life. I simply would not consider throwing them out because of sex. It is NOT about trust, stop handing me that BS. There are many ways to break trust, including addictions, and no one suggests not working on those issues before bailing out. If someone's addiction is so bad that it is a bigger threat to the family than a breakup...then you get divorced to protect the family.

Sex is never a bigger threat than a breakup.

The real issues is although I understand that you would die and do anything for your wife and your family ( which I admire) but what if your wife doesn't feel the same way and wouldn't reciprocate.

Sorry, but it takes two persons to make a marriage works.

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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Ukraine
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You seem to be taking two very different issues and crowbarring them into the same debate. Protecting your family and the issue of trust and respect are not the same thing at all. It's fantastic if a person would take a bullet for their wife (wouldn't we all), but if she's more than happy to sleep with other people then you have to question if she'd really do the same back.

They wouldn't be fatherless just because a couple split up - your reasoning is a bit of a slap in the face to all of those that are no longer together, for whatever reason. Would you not support your children even if you were no longer with your wife? And I like how you blame the person cheated on for marriage break-ups, rather than, y'know, the person who cheats. Bizarre and again, you don't have the right to question them or the choice they make after being betrayed.

You don't have the right to say this in such a generalised manner. And I can't speak for anyone else, but your thinly-veiled "I love my wife enough to die for her. If you break-up over this issue you clearly don't love her enough" approach is extremely lame.

With your particular stance I hope you don't give anyone ideas.

Of course I have the right. You do not have to agree. Neither do they. I gave my opinion and stated what I would do.

VERMONT! I Reject Your Reality...and Substitute My Own!

Gary And Alla

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Filed: AOS (apr) Country: Cyprus
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To each his/her own....(or not). I respect and love MYSELF enough to be faithful, expect the same in return and take the liberty to bail out if my faithfulness is not reciprocated. Boundaries are healthy. If someone steps over them they made that choice and therefore stare the consequences right into the eye. We are a diverse people dealing with betrayal differently.

What is wrong for one is right for another.

In the end we all have to find our own way.

Spoiler

 

I-129F Sent : 3-31-2014, NOA2: 4-6-2014

NVC Received : some dinkelsberry yehoo in the house of clingons send our petition to the wrong consulate.

Consulate Received : July 30,2014 Transfer to right embassy complete.

Interview Date : Oct 22, 2014

Interview Result : AP , requesting another PC (not expired) and certified divorce decree (was submitted)Stokes interview via phone for petitioner 4 hrs after interview.

Oct 23 email notification visa approved.
Visa Received : Nov. 3 , 2014 VISA IN HAND.

US Entry : Nov. 21, 2014

Marriage : Dec 27, 2014

AOS send : May 12, 2015, received May 14, 2015 USPS priority

Email &text : May 18, 2015, check cashed May 19,2015, return receipt May 21, 2015 stamped USCIS Lockbox, NOA1 (3x) May 22,2015

Biometrics : June 1, 2015 letter received for appointment June 8, 2015, successful walk-in June 1, 2015

RFE : June 12, 2015 for income not meeting guideline. Income does ( ! ) exceed guideline.

RFE response : June 26, 2015 returned with a boat load full of financial evidence.

UPDATE: July 5, 2015 updated on all 3 cases, RFE received June 30, 2015.

Service request : Aug 12, 2015, letter received that it will be processed within 90 days from receipt of RFE.

UPDATE: Aug 24, 2015, EAD card being produced/ordered. ( 102 days from AOS receipt day and 55 days from RFE response received.) Thank you Jesus !

Emails : Aug 24, 2015, EAD approved, EAD card ordered.

I-797 EAD/AP approval notice received : Aug 27, 2015

EAD/AP combo card mailed : Aug 27, 2015, EAD/AP combo card received: Aug 31, 2015

Renewal application send for EAD/AP : May 31,2016 (AOS pending over 1 year). Received June 2, 2016,Notice date June7, 2016, emails,texts, NOA1 hard copy

Service request for pending AOS April 21, 2016, case not assigned yet.
Service request for pending AOS June 14, 2016, tier 2 said performing background checks.
Expedite request for EAD/AP Aug 3, 2016, Aug10 notification >request was received, assigned, completed. RFE letter requesting evidence for expedite, docs faxed Aug18

*Service request for I-485 Aug 3, 2016, Aug11 notification> request was assigned. Service request Dec 2, 2016.
AOS Interview letter received Aug 12, 2016

AOS Interview September 21, 2016.

Second Biometrics appointment letters received for EAD and AOS on Aug 15, 2016 for Aug 17 ( 2 day notice).

Second Biometrics completed Aug 17, 2016

Third Biometrics appointment letter received Aug 19, 2016 for Sept. 1, 2016. WTH ?!

EAD/AP (renewal) approval Aug 22, 2016, NOA2 received Aug 25, 2016

Renewal EAD in production notification text and online, expedite successful 4 days after RFE request response was faxed, Aug25mailed,Aug29received.

Sept. 21 Interview, 2 hour interview, we were separated and asked about 50 questions each for an hour each. IO was firm but professional, some smiles.
Several service requests made, contacted Senator and Ombudsman. Background checks still pending.
July 21, 2017 HOME VISIT.  Went well. Topic thread in AOS forum.
Waiting to skip ROC and get 10 yr GC due to over 2 year while pending AOS
AOS APPROVED Oct. 4, 2017 * Green card in hand Oct 13, 2017 !!!!!

First K1 denied after 16 month of AP. Refiled. We are a couple since 2009. Not a sprint but a matter of endurance.

 

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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Canada
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~~~~Inappropriate post removed and quoted post along with it. Closing thread as the OP has received plenty of advice and has lots to think about.~~~~

Spoiler

Met Playing Everquest in 2005
Engaged 9-15-2006
K-1 & 4 K-2'S
Filed 05-09-07
Interview 03-12-08
Visa received 04-21-08
Entry 05-06-08
Married 06-21-08
AOS X5
Filed 07-08-08
Cards Received01-22-09
Roc X5
Filed 10-17-10
Cards Received02-22-11
Citizenship
Filed 10-17-11
Interview 01-12-12
Oath 06-29-12

Citizenship for older 2 boys

Filed 03/08/2014

NOA/fee waiver 03/19/2014

Biometrics 04/15/14

Interview 05/29/14

In line for Oath 06/20/14

Oath 09/19/2014 We are all done! All USC no more USCIS

 

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