Another heartbreak

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

First of all, let me say that I would never have affair because I do not believe in having your cake and eat it too. If I met someone else I wanted to be with, I would have broken it off with you. But not everyone is the same. I believe you should forgive and forget this and start over from day one right here and right now if you love this girl. Long distance relationships are hard, extremely hard. You two stuck it out and you made it to the finish line. I can tell you this. I was separated for a year from my boyfriend when I was 17 years old and I did date other guys, but all I did was talk about him. I missed him so much I could not stand it. When he found out about the other guys, he never felt the same about me. I was a virgin when I got married so it was not that kind of betrayal, but it still hurt him. If he could have found it in his heart to forgive me, life may have turned out different. If she loves you, forgive her.

Long distance relationships are hard, but that doesn't really forgive someone sleeping with someone else. With how much time, effort, and stress her husband has been put under, it actually makes it worse that she cheated and he gave up his life back home to move to a woman that slept with another man.

Edited January 11, 2013 by Nola123

[cappucino boy 29]

I totally agree with Christi and Ian, you need time to heal and taking the job is a good start because it involve making other decisions that involve just you. It will also give something else to think about for the time being besides your present situation and perhaps the job will give you some hope that things can be normal again. I wish you all the best and hope things look brighter the next time you look out the window that has become your life.

I am so sorry to hear this, I can only imagine how much your heart hurts right now. There are a lot of stories of marriages that have survived infidelity, and they have a few things in common; the one who cheated accepts responsibility for their actions, the one who cheated accepts that their partner is going to be extremely hurt and mistrustful for a while, and they understand and accept the consequences of that, and they talk about what they are missing in their marriage and take steps to remedy that.

For you, this is happening right now, in real time. For her, this happened a while ago. She may not understand that to you it feels like she is cheating on you right now, when she thinks it's over, it's no longer happening, problem solved. It doesn't bode weel that rather than taking all of the responsibility, she chose to blame you for not being sweet enough to her during your separation. She is being defensive, and trying to push some of the blame on you so that she doesn't have to feel as guilty. Her reaction is immature.

That said, you have an enormous investment in her, and she really is so lucky to have someone who loves her so much. You are not going to get over this soon. You might never get ove it. Only time will tell. I agree with The Maven in that you should not make any rash decisions. You need time to heal a bit before you can even discuss her infidelity with a bit less emotion, it could take a week, a month, or longer. When you come to that point, then talk to her. If she still tries to push off the blame, then perhaps counseling is in order, depending on how invested you both are in staying together.

Is she regretful? Is she tearful? Does she want to resolve this as much as you do, or is she quick to say, "I'm going to spend the night somewhere else"?

Only time will heal the wounds, unfortunately, and the deeper the wound, the more time it takes to heal. My suggestion is to take the job offer, move out if you must, even if it's just into a guest room, and work on the friendship, respect and love you felt for each other at the beginning. If it works out, you two can survive anything. If it doesn't, you will be in a much better place emotionally and financially to make the decision about where you want to be.

I really, honestly hope it all works out for you. She is so lucky to have someone that loves her so much. The key will be whether or not she realizes just how lucky she is, and is willing to do the work necessary to repair the damage done.

[Adam_747 6]

You are brave enough to post this. Honestly, If I were in your position, I would leave her and start a new life here from the scratch... in fact, you already did start from the scratch by leaving your home country and coming here. Personally, I don't think I can look one daily in the eye and not think about what happened.

Edited January 11, 2013 by Adam_747

[Akwunomy 4]

As mentioned by other VJ here...the decision is really yours to make...marriage is really a difficult stuff and when you look at the divorce rate in the States you will understand that this culture do not value marriage...if you are a christian she met the requirement...i mean the scriptural requirement to be divorced...which is adultery. But it is up to you to say...i will forgive you and make up with her...but if i am the person in your shoe...and i realized i love her and want to continue to live with her...i will call her and tell her how she betrayed the trust i have in her...then if you have money and can see where you can hang for a couple of weeks or hotel...just stay away from her and give yourself a break...a break to think about what really matter to you at this time...a break to confirm the way forward...and a break to work this thing out so that you do not do or make decision that you live to regret. Man it is really painful and just have to take heart as a man and do the right thing.

[lunaboriken 2]

Having an optimistic mind it's super important. From this point on things might change and the fact that you are having these situation is an opportunity to see how she really is. It's an opportunity to see whether or not she is in the marriage for good reasons or if she feels sorry for you (which you should teach her you are in control of your life, you don't need a green card to succeed in life).

These are very important days in your marriage life. It should be super hard but you need to bring an optimistic mind to the table and forget about the immigration process and focus on what you really want for yourself.

Like others have mentioned, if this is a one time thing and she learns from it... I would give her a chance but if it's a second time, she might have that attitude as her normal behavior and if you don't agree about sharing your wife, you need to make it clear.

Here what really matters it's your relationship, not the immigration process.

You are in control of your destiny and whatever you decide today you need to be clear that it is going to determine your future.

Another thing, I hate the fact that she might be using you and forcing your to keep shut because of your immigration process. I think you should report her. Get some lawyer advice here.

Also, be careful with that fact that you love her but you also have another interest with your papers... so you should know whether or not they are the same or different.

After all, you guys are married and you have rights, as well as she....(sadly)

Edited January 11, 2013 by lunaboriken

[hkl 9]

You must definitely read the ebook 'Surviving Her Affair' by Kevin Jackson (https://www.mcssl.com/SecureCart/Checkout.aspx?mid=B4CE0BB1-7972-4089-9524-045414B671C6&sctoken=4b13f23d68ba4d588c577eadb8a4390c&bhcp=1). It's the only book on the market specifically written for men. Read this book first. It's relatively short, but it will give you a quick idea if your marriage can be saved and if it is worth saving. Send me a private message if you want me to lend you my copy.

Another book 'Monoghamy Myth' by Peggy Vaughan (http://www.amazon.com/Monogamy-Myth-Personal-Handbook-Recovering/dp/1557045429) will help you heal and see the world differently.

You are not alone in this boat. Infidelity is quite common, more common than society tries to tell us. In more than 50% of couples someone cheats. Among couples separated for long time due to immigration procedures the percentage might be even much higher.

[rozi 0]

im sorry to hear that.. dont fell embrassed.. its not ur falt.. and off and see what if good for u.. ur dission is the main dission.. u know whats best for u// good luck

[Rob & Monika 87]

There is an expression...once a cheater, always a cheater. You will never completely trust her, and that lack of trust will eat away at your relationship, especially since this happened so early in the relationship. You have no foundation to build a strong healthy relationship on. If this happened 15 years into a marriage, then I would say pick up the pieces and fix things. But given that she has repeatedly been unfaithful, it likely will not stop. I've been in your shoes, it doesn't get better.

[san diego 407]

I don't think anyone can give you a good advice on your relationship. Regarding abandoning green card - no problem. In fact, it will be easier for you to obtain any visa in he future. For example, my uncle got a green card but decided to abandon it and stay in his home country. As a result he gets 10 year multi-entry visa. Don't worry about that. I can only tell you what I would do: I would divorce. Personally, if you truly love someone nothing can justify infidelity.

[sherryandyashpal 7]

First off. I never in a million years thought I'd be posting a topic in this part of the forum.

But I guess bad things can happen to anyone. I need help figuring out what to do, and I need this forum to vent and get some advice.

I am an active member on this forum, and I apologize that I’m not posting under my regular username, but quite frankly, I’m too embarrassed and humiliated to. I’ve made many great friends on this forum, some I’ve even met in person. Most of you would recognize me if I posted under my regular username, and many of you will likely figure out who I am from the timelines of this post. But for right now, I want to remain anonymous, and I hope that you all will all respect that. You can PM me if you know who I am.

I apologize in advance if this post becomes repetitive or incoherent. I just need to vent..

Here's the gist of what has happened..

We met 4 years ago, began dating 3.5 years ago. We're 2 months short of our 2 year wedding anniversary. We got married in the US, but did not file for AOS. Instead, she came with me back to my country and stayed. After 10 months, we finally decided that overall, it would be best if we settled in the US. This decision was based on her not speaking the language, me speaking fluent English. Her knowing nothing about my country’s lifestyle, while I had my entire education in the US. And quite frankly, she didn’t like my country, I love this country. We met while I was on an F-1, and got married after I graduated. While we were still young, the decision to get married was taken in part due to her family being skeptical of us living together without being married, in part due to us both knowing that we wouldn't be able to live together, neither in my country nor the US unless we were married, and most of all, because we knew we wanted to spend our lives together. We filed the I-130 11 months after our wedding. (She was "living" in my country as a tourist) - And when we finally decided on a country to file in, she was on her 80th day of 90 allowed in my country. She went back to the US and filed the I-130 immediately. Since then, I visited her on the VWP a couple of times, and she visited me once.

10 months after initial filing, I finally arrived in the US on a CR-1 visa 6 weeks ago.

The distance killed us. It was tough. It was hard. Even though we were lucky enough to see each other for a few weeks with 3 month intervals, it was excruciating. Most members here know what I'm talking about. However, we made it work.

Anyway. I arrived here 6 weeks ago. Things were great. Aside from the normal issues like not knowing anyone here, and having to start from scratch with a job, things were great. I loved it here (still do to an extent). Until this week. I found something I shouldn't have.....

In a nut shell. She had an affair.

Sigh.. It makes me sick to my stomach to even talk about this. I already knew of an "incident" a few years ago where she admitted that she had previously kissed another guy, felt horrible and came clean to me. We fought about it, made up, and forgot about it. This time, it's way more serious. I confronted her about what I found. She got stumped, and she basically said "Does it really matter now?" and literally said "If I confirm this.. What are you going to do?" - I immediately yelled "You just did confirm it!" and broke down. Her first reaction was to apologize while I was crying. When I got mad, her reaction turned defensive arguing that it was only because of the distance, and it wouldn't have happened if I was here. She also tried to blame me for it, because I hadn't done enough sweet things for her during the time apart, and this guy did. Hello!!! You MARRIED ME!!! I must have done something right! This happened during the summer, before she came on a vacation with me and my family. I haven't probed too much into it, I can't for my own sanity's sake, and she keeps telling me "don't ask, it'll only make it worse" but I know enough to know that this wasn't a one time thing either. It was a fling. She has assured me that she doesn't speak to the guy anymore, and that he does not even live in this city. Apparently, this guy was a temporary "step-in" for me. But here's another shocker. The guy, as I came to find out, is married also.

She slept at a coworker's house last night. I've gotten about 6 hours worth of sleep in the last couple of nights combined. I made her breakfast this morning and went to her work to give it to her.. It was slightly awkward, we didn't really speak. I have no idea what to do really..

I love her. I love her to death. I'd take a bullet for this woman. I brought her into my family. I was warmly welcomed into hers. I can't even imagine what her mother would do if she found out. I don't want anyone to find out. This is just so humiliating, embarrassing and painful. I want to work things out, but I just don't trust her. I have no idea if this was a one time thing, or if it has happened before too during other times of separation. There is no reason for me to believe that it hasn't happened before, other than her word. Which I don't trust one bit. And that’s my problem. I love her enough to forgive a mistake. I love her enough to forgive practically anything. But I also love her enough that I don’t think I’ll ever forget. And that scares me, because that is not a good recipe for a happy marriage.

This is an extremely difficult situation. I love her so much, and I meant what I said when I told her "I do." This is fairly fresh in my head, and not something I was mentally prepared for at all. I still have to pinch myself in the arm to remember that this is real. That it isn't a nightmare.

I have no money. While I at least have a job here (I started working part-time recently), it isn't a great income. All my financial resources have been spent on this process, moving, and on visits and vacations during the process. I even paid the deposit and rent on her old apartment which I never got to live in.. But that she apparently had a guy visit quite frequently.. I feel like barfing just at the mere thought of this. Seriously, I feel physically ill. I quit my job back home back in August, thinking the interview was at most a month away (turned out to be 3 months away and another month to receive the visa). I have nowhere to go. I don't know anyone in this state, other than my wife and our roommate. I can't face my parents. I can't even face my friends. I struggle to look at her even. In essence, I have nothing for me here, except a wife who.. Yea.. I have nothing to go back to in my country either, except my parents' house.

So far I've only told one member on here in private, and one of my good friends from college back on the west coast. He has offered me a place to at least sleep - But that's thousands of miles away, on the west coast.

I'm really not in a position to be thinking about immigration related matters right now. At this point I don't want to stay. At least not in this city/state. But I know that if I leave, it's over for good. And I'm not ready to make that decision at this time. I want to be firm. But I’m not thinking rationally now. I don’t want to make huge mistakes while I’m in a state of shock. To top this off, I had a job interview last week for a very good job here in this city, full-time and with excellent compensation. They called me back yesterday and I had no idea what to really say to them. One of the things they pushed me on was longevity. “We want to make sure you’re not going to quit anytime soon.” – To which my response was “I’m not going anywhere.” Luckily, I’m only hired on the condition of passing a background check – which I find out the result of in a week or so.. Gives me more time to think..

For now, my options are these:

1. Stay here, try to work things out. (Not sure if I can, though I want to)

2. Stay here, separate, see where time and distance takes me/us. (Not sure if I can stay here without her. This place is tainted to me)

3. Leave, crash at a friend's/aunt's/cousin's house in a different state and see where time and distance takes me/us.

4. Leave, go back home.

If I went home, got a divorce and abandoned my green card, how difficult would it be to come back to visit or for graduate school?

If I chose to stay and work things out, how difficult would it be to file a joint I-751 with a period of separation in the middle?

If I chose to stay in the country, and get a divorce, how difficult would it be to file an I-751 divorce waiver?

I'm shaking right now.. Can't believe I'm posting this..

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best.. and honestly its nothing to be ashamed of.. you dint do anything... while Im temptd to offer advice, since I dont know all the details and everything I'm just going to say dont let what she did ruin your stay here.. you never know what's waiting for you here that you havent uncovered yet. Wish you the best !!!!

Sherry

[tru_loves_journey 117]

I'm so sorry to hear this. Stay strong

[Frances&Bryan 6]

I am truly sorry for the heartbreak you are going through! You have been told many, many great feedback and advice from what seems to be from people with wisdom.

My advice will just be repetitive, because i am agreeing with everyone else on here.

Give yourself time. Take one day at a time. Just breath and take it ONE DAY AT A TIME. Wounds heal. But only with time..

My opinion is for u to stay in the states take the new job offer! in my opinion that would be the SMARTEST thing right now, is to take the job offer. Why i say that, is because the biggest distraction is work. And starting a NEW job will be even a better and greater distraction.

Best of of luck with everything.

Again, time is your best friend right now. Your healer.

P.S. you have NOTHING to be embarrased about. You're not the one that committed adultery..!

[mfranc68 31]

I am sorry that this has happened to you. Everything that has been written here has merrit, so I will not repeat what has all ready been said. You only know your relationship, and only you know your wife. You have to make the decision that is best for you. Only you know what that is. I am writing you this post to offer one piece of advise. You are confused and hurting right now. You may not be using your best judgement right now. Be careful who you share your situation with. If your start telling your family and friends and her family and friends that your wife cheated on you, it will be VERY difficult later to have a successful relationship with her if you decide to forgive her.

Your family and friends will never look at her the same way again. This can put a great strain on already damaged relationship. Try and keep things to yourself until you decide what to do. If you need to talk to someone try to keep it to only one or two trusted family members/friends, or a professional therapist. I wish you all the best.

[DM & JM 12]

Stay strong and positive. There is no better cure than time. Time is your best Allie now and please take that job offer. Your will find yourself in a better position if you take that job and everything else will be much easier. Try to keep yourself busy, try to make new friends. Just remember that there is not illness that last 100 years and a body who would resist it. I know is hard but is doable. If you are a person who believes in God, try to get close to him, talk to him and this will give spiritual peace in you. This might be some sort of a bridge for you to true happiness. Just remember that everything in this life happens for a reason.

[Sandra G. 5,014]

I feel disturbing her behavior and the lack or respect regarding your feelings. She said she didn't told you because you didn't ask her? well if you decide to go back with her do not forget every single day after she comes home from work to ask her " hy hun how was your day? oh did you cheat on me today?"...####### dude , she didn't take responsibility for her wrong doings at all and blamed you because she cheated on you...ouch!.

It's not the first time she screw you big time, in the past she kissed another guy, It seems she is a "serial cheater". It wasn't something on the spur of the moment, she had an affair! it means you were in your home Country talking to her in the phone,internet and after talking to you probably she got ready and went to sleep with the guy, not once, but a few times. The day after maybe you asked how was her night, probably she lied saying" as we finished talking I went to bed". I just can't stand cheaters at all. It wasn't just a one night thing. As you said she had an affair. Day after day she was betraying you, and of course she had time enough after the first time to realize "wow I messed up, I should tell my husband", but nope...She kept going and going. I wish you the best. You deserve better.

Edited January 11, 2013 by sandranj