What should I do?? :(

[Karee 4,189]

To all those saying to "work it out" I say screw that! If anyone ever pulled the threat of "pack your stuff and go back" with me, I'd be gone. If I did that to my wife, she would be gone as well, and I couldn't blame her. This guy sounds like a control freak. Control freaks don't get better, they get worse. I don't care how angry, hurt, insecue you are. Don't go throwing around threats about your SOs immigration status, especially when there's a child involved.

I know there are two sides to every story, but based on what the OP is telling us he sounds like a nut.

[Karee 4,189]

Your husband tells you give me your password and you answered I wont give you and then he says get out of my life it doesn't make him an abuser but a jerk.

Jerk is bieng kind. I have some words, but I don't need a suspension from VJ.

[Caryh 5,206]

Caryh really? I would not suggest to someone to take responsability for others wrong doings at all. YOU are responsible to recognize and apologize for your mistakes but not start the danger circle of apologizing for something you didn't cause, it's damn wrong.When you are wrong you are wrong and you should apologize for that,but when you are right you have to stand up for what you think is right and not to say sorry just to please the spouse,take this from someone married almost 10 years and we are damn happy.Unfortunetely she is in a terrible position here.If the guy is serious about her leaving the house OmG she will be out of status,risking to be deported and she won't be able to leave the Country with the child .It's a sad and danger situation tho.

Boy you can certainly twist a lot out a small statement and ignore all else. Even you said this guy isn't being abusive. I could call him a jerk to, but is that really going to help solve a situation or only make things worse? Its really going to work for her to up and leave with no immigration status isn't it? Yes when she's sent out of the country and her child is still in the USA, thats really going to make her feel better that he couldn't look at her facebook account. She's getting a lot of advice her that sounds like throwing out the baby with the bath water. I've noticed you, sandranj, are completely obsessed with every marital disagreement leading to abuse. I on the other hand tend to look at marital disagreements as issues a couple needs to learn to handle properly, and running away or standing up and demanding the other recognize you're right doesn't work very well because it just pisses the other person off. Letting the air out of the bluster and defusing the situation can. Then you can work at going forward.

Just as in this case where one was rather obviously insecure and wanted a password from another. Standing up and saying no certainly made things better didn't they? Pretty darn foolish if you ask me, that something could have grown into threats of divorce over something pretty darn trivial, when they should have been discussing why he's so worried that he wants the password.

[Karee 4,189]

Boy you can certainly twist a lot out a small statement and ignore all else. Even you said this guy isn't being abusive. I could call him a jerk to, but is that really going to help solve a situation or only make things worse? Its really going to work for her to up and leave with no immigration status isn't it? Yes when she's sent out of the country and her child is still in the USA, thats really going to make her feel better that he couldn't look at her facebook account. She's getting a lot of advice her that sounds like throwing out the baby with the bath water. I've noticed you, sandranj, are completely obsessed with every marital disagreement leading to abuse. I on the other hand tend to look at marital disagreements as issues a couple needs to learn to handle properly, and running away or standing up and demanding the other recognize you're right doesn't work very well because it just pisses the other person off. Letting the air out of the bluster and defusing the situation can. Then you can work at going forward.

Just as in this case where one was rather obviously insecure and wanted a password from another. Standing up and saying no certainly made things better didn't they? Pretty darn foolish if you ask me, that something could have grown into threats of divorce over something pretty darn trivial, when they should have been discussing why he's so worried that he wants the password.

You think it's fine with him telling her to look for somewhere else to live, or to leave the country? Over some Facebook argument? I'm not saying that qualifies for physical abuse or VAWA, but I think that's a line that should not be crossed under any circumstances. Once you go down that road you are pretty much saying "I have no desire to work through this problem. It's my way or the highway!"

I sure hope she doesn't overcook his steak. She may find herself with a one-way ticket back to South America.

[Caryh 5,206]

Neither you or I know how it reached the point of him asking her to move out. And it doesn't appear it was just over the facebook password, it had escalated beyond that with her not responding to phone calls and him calling the police to check on her. In this case something that should have been trivial escalated, and that normally takes two people, not one. We have only one side of a story (and I would say its not even a complete side either, it doesn't really matter), there's also another side, and then there's no doubt somewhere in between where the truth lies. My advice was to not escalate arguments and to seek marriage counseling, and yes not answering the phone is escalating an argument. It is a passive aggressive behavior which doesn't help, and a way of saying I have no desire to work through this problem.

You think it's fine with him telling her to look for somewhere else to live, or to leave the country? Over some Facebook argument? I'm not saying that qualifies for physical abuse or VAWA, but I think that's a line that should not be crossed under any circumstances. Once you go down that road you are pretty much saying "I have no desire to work through this problem. It's my way or the highway!"

I sure hope she doesn't overcook his steak. She may find herself with a one-way ticket back to South America.

[Dana1232 0]

By no means I want to return to my country without my son. All I have to do is wait right now. I will talk to his mom this weekend to make things clear for her (fortunately I have a pretty good relationship with her) and maybe she take my side and support my point for the sake of his grandson. I do want to stay married with him, although he's sometimes a hard-head I love him, and never cheated on him (this is what he alleges now for me not giving my password).

We have been together almost 6 years by now, come through some up and downs and probably will get out of this as well. He does has a anger problem, he doesn't think clearly when he's angry, is black or white with him, no shades in-between. I'm kinda used to it, but this time I felt that my privacy was being violated. Even though you're in a relationship I truly believe you must have some for your own. Is not to keep secrets (because I told him most of what I do there) but to have something that's only yours.

I probably will be gathering all stuff you have told me to, just in case. I do not have his passport, he has it now. But I believe his naturalization certificate will do as well right? We don't have joint accounts. I don't want to use this Vawa thing, don't want to give him a hard time at his work (He's a federal officer and has a high security clearance). But I also don't want him to pass over me with this issue. I'm in a limbo right now, just have to wait until he gets home in 6 weeks

[Darnell 8,478]

I say give him the passwords and remain in the house.

You have 6 weeks to get over the #######.

[Karee 4,189]

Neither you or I know how it reached the point of him asking her to move out. And it doesn't appear it was just over the facebook password, it had escalated beyond that with her not responding to phone calls and him calling the police to check on her. In this case something that should have been trivial escalated, and that normally takes two people, not one. We have only one side of a story (and I would say its not even a complete side either, it doesn't really matter), there's also another side, and then there's no doubt somewhere in between where the truth lies. My advice was to not escalate arguments and to seek marriage counseling, and yes not answering the phone is escalating an argument. It is a passive aggressive behavior which doesn't help, and a way of saying I have no desire to work through this problem.

Next time my wife doesn't answer the phone after I treated her like $hit, it's off to the airport for her. /sarcasm My point is this, NEVER EVER threaten your SO with some kind of one-way ticket B.S. I don't care what she did. There is no excuse for that. I can't think of anything worse short of beating her.

It's the equivalent of telling your kid he's off to some home because he screwed up.

[Dana1232 0]

I say give him the passwords and remain in the house.

You have 6 weeks to get over the #######.

Oh, I gave up and so I did. But now he says he doesn't want it, that I've probably erased stuff (which I haven't ) and bla bla bla. So I'm in waiting mode by now. As you said I have six weeks

[Apapaia 25]

Well I don't know about the legal part and I don't wanna touch the chapter "trust and relationships" so thinking very quickly, if I were you I would try to keep things calm as long as possible, give him the damn password, make him feel like a jackass and keep him quiet. Get the green card, get the passport for my baby and wait for whatever comes next.

Besides that I wanna give you my personal experience. When I finally started living with my husband we came face to face with all the issues about privacy. I did tell him before starting to live together that I will never ever try to take his privacy away from him. I even told him that if he wanted to have a box with secrets with no lock I wouldn't look in there and I mean it! I do respect other people privacy and secrets (and I want them to do the same with me) and I feel annoyed by the thought of opening someone else drawers or purse. So my husband and I had a deal: we live in a 2 bedrooms apartment and we decided that the smaller bedroom would be his man cave/computer room/get away from everything. In the beginning he would even close the door and stay in there for a couple of hours playing videogames, check emails, talk to friends etc. After a couple of weeks of living together one of us left the door open and since then it stays open. Now the deal has evolved. That's still his room where I am "allowed" to enter, sit down with him and chat while he does his things but I am not "allowed" to put roots in there (note the quotes). I'll bring him tea, we'll talk in there, sometimes decide over the computer what we're gonna order as food and we live happy. I really have great respect for his privacy, I would never want him to feel uncomfortable around me and I want him to have complete trust in me. At the same time I do have my privacy even though he has my passwords (or would be able to hack them in a second) he doesn't access in my private stuff if I don't give him the permission. Now I feel the need to have my own corner and since all the rooms are taken, we're thinking of a simple desk with a couple of drawers so that I have my corner for computer time, writing or talk to my family over skype.

Maybe your husband is just being paranoid, if you feel like you can make him happy and give him the password, do it. Maybe it would change the situation. Do the first step it might bring great results.

Good luck to you and hugs to your baby!

[Theresa0828 65]

I say give him the passwords and remain in the house.

You have 6 weeks to get over the #######.

i wouldn't agree with this... he called the police on her... i do not know what he will do with her facebook page... i will be paranoid...

[CHarvey80 72]

If you don't trust the person you are with then you need to go and find someone you can.....

When you are jealous or insecure you need to realize the problem lies with you not the other person. Have a constructive conversation about it rather then start demanding things and giving ultimatums.

[Sandra G. 5,016]

Caryh you said "I've noticed you, sandranj, are completely obsessed with every marital disagreement leading to abuse". You are damn wrong, where did you get this idea?. I said that in her case I do not believe he is an abuser, but a jerk. I never said or think that every marital disagreement leads to abuse. Domestic violence is not a disagreement!. Disagreement for me is the lack of consensus or approval regarding financial matter,raising children, buying a car, place to vacation etc, and we should handle with care, respect, communicating, apologizing for OUR wrong doings and compromising, but a pattern of often calling names,threatening to deport, humiliating,degradating,controlling, extremely jealousy,punishing etc. this is called ABUSE!. Insulting words or violent action is abuse! . Telling often to your wife/husband "you are stupid", "I hate you","you are an idiot" , "throwing things at your spouse is abuse. It’s estipulated by law, definied by psychologist and psychiatrists and applied by Vawa Unit when adjudicating Vawa cases.

3 million women are physically abused by their husband or boyfriend per year in the USA,more than three women and one man are murdered by their intimate partners in this country every day(data from Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief, Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, February 2003. Bureau of Justice Statistics, Intimate Partner Violence in the U.S. 1993-2004, 2006).

I am not "obsessed with every marital disagreement leading to abuse" as you said, but as an advocate for victims of domestic violence I speak out every single day around this Country about mental abuse and domestic violence. People need to understand the difference between abuse and disagreement. Violence prevails because we allow it to.We need to speak out!

Edited January 9, 2013 by sandranj

[Sandra G. 5,016]

dana1232 I sent you a pm. You are never alone.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Besides that I wanna give you my personal experience. When I finally started living with my husband we came face to face with all the issues about privacy. I did tell him before starting to live together that I will never ever try to take his privacy away from him. I even told him that if he wanted to have a box with secrets with no lock I wouldn't look in there and I mean it! I do respect other people privacy and secrets (and I want them to do the same with me) and I feel annoyed by the thought of opening someone else drawers or purse. So my husband and I had a deal: we live in a 2 bedrooms apartment and we decided that the smaller bedroom would be his man cave/computer room/get away from everything. In the beginning he would even close the door and stay in there for a couple of hours playing videogames, check emails, talk to friends etc. After a couple of weeks of living together one of us left the door open and since then it stays open. Now the deal has evolved. That's still his room where I am "allowed" to enter, sit down with him and chat while he does his things but I am not "allowed" to put roots in there (note the quotes). I'll bring him tea, we'll talk in there, sometimes decide over the computer what we're gonna order as food and we live happy. I really have great respect for his privacy, I would never want him to feel uncomfortable around me and I want him to have complete trust in me. At the same time I do have my privacy even though he has my passwords (or would be able to hack them in a second) he doesn't access in my private stuff if I don't give him the permission. Now I feel the need to have my own corner and since all the rooms are taken, we're thinking of a simple desk with a couple of drawers so that I have my corner for computer time, writing or talk to my family over skype.

He has a "special room" that you're not "allowed" to put roots in? That in the beginning he shut to door to you with to talk to his friends and shut you out? ####### that.

I'm happy it works for you but I find it extremely disconcerting that you would have that sort of separation, it sounds more like a mother living with her older son.

I have all my husbands passwords (they're easy) and he mine. I have access to all bank accounts, I have copies of his cards and account details (I pay the bills so it's easier than asking him each time I pay something). He has access to all accounts but like I said, I handle that side of things. My husbands computer is in "the" office. Not "his" office. I go in there whenever I like because this is OUR house, not his. There is a difference between privacy and secrets. My husband does not keep secrets, and neither do I, but we have our privacy if we want it. We are partners, not two separate people who just happen to be married.

Again, I'm happy it works for you, but I could never live with that kind of relationship.

---

OP - It's not that he asked for your password that is the problem, it's the reason behind him asking for it. If I said to my husband right now "what's your p/w?" (ignoring the fact I already know it), he would tell me then "why? What's up?". You keeping it secret indicates you had something to hide but him asking indicates something was going on (at least in his mind) and that he doesn't trust you. Add that behaviour to calling the police (which is extremely odd... I'm not sure what he thought that would accomplish outside of trying to frighten you) and something weird is going on.

I wish you the best. It's certainly not the best or easiest situation to be in. Remember what I said about whoever files for custody retains custody while it's processing.