Appoved CR1 visa but want a divorce

[britannia13 0]

We've been married for just over a year, date for 3 years before that and new each other casually for 10 years. We met through a social network and had a lot in common. (married in US.....husband no passports and afraid to fly)

I'm a mother of 2 grown children. He's a dad of 2 teenage daughters. I've had half a dz visits to the US and is first visit was for Christmas prior to me immigrating. He came with only 1 daughter as the other had no passport. My eyes were wide open and terribly disappointed...... since filing for the I130 we haven't seen each other in person for over a year. So much had changed for the worse.

For starters he did not truthfully disclose his financial and physical health issues. I wondered as things were close for their arrival when he started talking about being short of money. He didn't want to live in his ghetto area, nor truthfully did I. Where I currently lived is normal and people don't come over drunk,wearing no underwear (and yes one would be blind no to notice) .......I could go one......but that's not an issue for here. Anyway I get people fall on hard times etc. I get being a single parent is tough. He went from working off and on, to not working. He has a permanent disability apparently that I just found out about as we started to fill out the forms. Hence I sponsored myself......he did fill in the I864 but it only passed with me showing I had assets to cover myself.

The first day and half he appeared normal. The same fun guy I knew and the one my family saw on skype . The next 4 days he said his back was hurting him and had to be catered to……. His daughter bringing him drinks and food to the bedroom. ( I actually was furious over that……..sure a coffee or tea, but 3 meals, snacks and drinks…………..I hate food being eaten in a bedroom) My family kept asking what was wrong………..I would try to talk to him he’d be nice for a bit and then get moody and start swearing ……. I just kept away as this was a week before I’d be moving from my own family and I wanted to enjoy my moments with them, as I was unsure when I see them next.

He has a bizarre relationship with his eldest daughter, who came (she’s sweet and naïve in many ways) but he treats her a submissive person, then as his confidant, then as a child, then almost as a lover ..that’s hard to describe). She gets confused by it and both his daughters dress pretty provocatively around their dad. He as them get his clothes out in the morning etc. He really does nothing around that house.

Seeing him again and how demanding he is………..how if he doesn’t like what is planned for dinner he expects to be made something else or someone to go buy him something.

My stomach became more knotted as the days went on…….. My adult daughter was crying every night worrying what has my mom got into……..my son was quiet and observing. On New Year’s they both kept hugging me so much, like they were trying to tell me …….mom don’t go……he’s not right for you……..you deserve so much better.

Yes, there was tension during our paperwork but I thought that is what it was driven from but NO that is how he is super moody…….if he doesn’t get his way he hangs up, or doesn’t speak…….. he does something wrong but it’s your fault.

I felt it was infringing on mental abuse……… when they don’t like something they threaten to do this ……or tell you know one liked you…….or they said this………

He still made time to call his neighbour, and sister.

His other daughter got in trouble at home, she’s been running away. So I booked them a flight and sent them back to the US. I told him I am going to visit my brother and think this over……..it’s 3000 miles to come to be treated like a slave, to be the only person who is able to work, and with someone who sits back thinking their a king and someone will pay his bills or help him. I found out his money is from SSI where I thought he was working part-time and getting child support, and that not filing taxes was because of low income.

I gave up my job, and I will cross the border shortly and will visit my brother on the other coast ……..I don’t think I want to be married to him. It felt like a prison sentence. I’ve just spend 10 months caring for my elderly parents and that stress was affecting my health………….I just can’t do it. He’d make me bankrupt and dead.

What can I do? I can’t go back I need to move forward.

NIGHTMARES………that is what my life has become………

The visit showed me this: He treated his daughter like a dog whistling for her. (noticed a bit bossy b4 but not to this extent)

[milimelo 4,191]

Moving to Effects of major family changes.

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

Well, you need to divorce him and rather quickly. Being that you've not immigrated to the US yet, would it not be better to just stay put in Canada and find another job? I know that is hard, but being stuck in America without a safety net and then perhaps facing immigration issues is going to be pretty stressful.

His behavior is beyond abnormal and totally not ok as I'm sure you've realized. You've got all the red flags and you need to pay attention to them and never speak to the man again, really.

A real man provides for his family to the best of his ability, tries to be as independent as possible, and treats his daughters with respect and an air of fatherly protection.

You deserve a decent man who will treat you, your children, and his own children with respect and love. You also deserve a partnership in which both people try equally hard to make it through life together. Don't settle for anything less.

[lierre 224]

It is a huge commitment to move to another country.

Is he the kind of man you want your own kids to be their stepfather?

If not, divorce him. You're not completely trapped in this just yet

[Villanelle 4,121]

If you havent immigrated to the US yet then based on the events youve described and youre desire to obtain a divorce, there really is no reason to. Unfortunately the man you married seriously misrepresented himself to you and in some ways you were lucky to have discovered it now before you made a significant life change like relocating. So you gave up a job. Sometimes when one door closes another one opens.

I would suggest though you consider contacting child protective services and file a complaint against him, or ask them to perform a welfare check on the girls, you can even do so anonymously in the US. This comment " he treats her almost as a lover ..that’s hard to describe)" is disturbing as well as the fact that the children get in trouble and are prone to running away. Its a symptom of abuse in the home, and IMO its wrong to just walk away and leave two young girls in a bad situation. Theyre just helpless victims and deserve a chance. Choosing to remain silent and not report something is 'off' in that household when it clearly is- is irresponsible.

[ascorpiana 0]

Very sorry to read your post, but glad you are sharing your experience and obviously pain. One of the great things about this site is there are intelligent and logical people to help all of us through our journey.

Absolutely he should be reported for the safety of the girls.

Also noticed you have family in the US. As a Canadian you are entitled to be out of country for 6mths without it impacting your healthcare here. As you cross you will still provide your passport and pkg. I'm thinking that sometimes being with family helps one to as you said regroup.

Perhaps someone more experienced can comment on if you do immigrate and stay with your family until you ground.......what steps can you take.

(a) obviously file for divorce

(b) adjustment of status

© because you sponsored yourself financially...........do you require another family member to help you stay?

(d) stay until cr-1 expires and gain confidence and a life experience.

anyone senior comment on the steps?

Hold you head high and be proud of the wonderful woman you are! (((hugs)))

[britannia13 0]

Very sorry to read your post, but glad you are sharing your experience and obviously pain. One of the great things about this site is there are intelligent and logical people to help all of us through our journey.

Absolutely he should be reported for the safety of the girls.

Also noticed you have family in the US. As a Canadian you are entitled to be out of country for 6mths without it impacting your healthcare here. As you cross you will still provide your passport and pkg. I'm thinking that sometimes being with family helps one to as you said regroup.

Perhaps someone more experienced can comment on if you do immigrate and stay with your family until you ground.......what steps can you take.

(a) obviously file for divorce

(b) adjustment of status

© because you sponsored yourself financially...........do you require another family member to help you stay?

(d) stay until cr-1 expires and gain confidence and a life experience.

anyone senior comment on the steps?

Hold you head high and be proud of the wonderful woman you are! (((hugs)))

[britannia13 0]

Can anyone tell me about the adjustment of status .........hmmm I751?

I've just investing so much time and money into this immigration, and yes my family in the US can help me refocus and acquire a place and job

please suggest options.

thanks

[VanessaTony 3,567]

That's called "Removal of Conditions". You need to file as soon as you're divorced and prove that the marriage was in good faith.

A problem you're going to face is if you immigrate and then divorce really quickly, or don't live together and do any of the normal co-mingling stuff (joint bank accounts, filing taxes together etc etc). They will assume the marriage was for immigration purposes and deny your ROC.

I think you need to decide what you want and take immigration out of the picture.

It's obvious you want a divorce but do you want to move to the US? A sea-change? Do you want to re-establish your life in Canada?

Moving to the US on the back of a CR-1 when you know the marriage will not survive, is fraud. If you said to CBP "well I'm coming in on a CR-1 then filing divorce" they'd tell you that a marriage visa is for a valid marriage, and your marriage is no longer valid if you're seeking divorce.

That said, I understand all that is involved with preparing for the move and I'm sure you're concerned that you will look foolish by stopping the process now. Needing to find another job (or getting your old one back) or basically starting from where you left off - but the people who love you will prefer that you do what makes you happy, than doing something because you're afraid of how not doing it makes you look.

Figure out what you REALLY want and then move from there.

[britannia13 0]

That's called "Removal of Conditions". You need to file as soon as you're divorced and prove that the marriage was in good faith.

A problem you're going to face is if you immigrate and then divorce really quickly, or don't live together and do any of the normal co-mingling stuff (joint bank accounts, filing taxes together etc etc). They will assume the marriage was for immigration purposes and deny your ROC.

I think you need to decide what you want and take immigration out of the picture.

It's obvious you want a divorce but do you want to move to the US? A sea-change? Do you want to re-establish your life in Canada?

Moving to the US on the back of a CR-1 when you know the marriage will not survive, is fraud. If you said to CBP "well I'm coming in on a CR-1 then filing divorce" they'd tell you that a marriage visa is for a valid marriage, and your marriage is no longer valid if you're seeking divorce.

That said, I understand all that is involved with preparing for the move and I'm sure you're concerned that you will look foolish by stopping the process now. Needing to find another job (or getting your old one back) or basically starting from where you left off - but the people who love you will prefer that you do what makes you happy, than doing something because you're afraid of how not doing it makes you look.

Figure out what you REALLY want and then move from there.

Thank you! I do get what you are saying. We had to thoughts initially and one was to see if the west coast would work and the other was to check out options for the east coast, which was always my hope and intention as it's not a long trip to go to Canada. I feel I need to go to the US as planned and take the time to sort through all the steps. As someone said as a Canadian I am allowed to stay with or without a visa for six months. This would give me time to think about what I want to do.

Can I not reapply while I am there for a removal of conditions and show a family member who will sponsor me to stay permanently?

I guess the thing is I am allowed to immigrate not based on my husband supporting me but because I have my own means. At my stage in life I wouldn't have wanted to immigrate unless my marriage was in good faith I just had no real idea of how deceitful and mentally confused he was. I just tried to explain a little so I could get some advice..........I am so broken hearted.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Thank you! I do get what you are saying. We had to thoughts initially and one was to see if the west coast would work and the other was to check out options for the east coast, which was always my hope and intention as it's not a long trip to go to Canada. I feel I need to go to the US as planned and take the time to sort through all the steps. As someone said as a Canadian I am allowed to stay with or without a visa for six months. This would give me time to think about what I want to do.

Can I not reapply while I am there for a removal of conditions and show a family member who will sponsor me to stay permanently?

I guess the thing is I am allowed to immigrate not based on my husband supporting me but because I have my own means. At my stage in life I wouldn't have wanted to immigrate unless my marriage was in good faith I just had no real idea of how deceitful and mentally confused he was. I just tried to explain a little so I could get some advice..........I am so broken hearted.

Unfortunately no a family member's support won't help you stay. I know it sucks. Really I do because you got yourself all excited at least for the move, the change and now you're trying to find a way to make it all not totally pointless.

Basically it's like this. If you enter on the CR-1 you will get an I-551 stamp in your passport which will be your temporary GC until your actual one arrives in the mail. It will arrive to whatever address you put on the forms unless you change your address at CBP (I know people who have done that) or another option would be to go to the post office that sorts your mail and have your mail held (though being government mail they sometimes won't hold it and will instead return to sender).

Assuming you get the GC sent to your new address you technically have 2 years until you need to file for ROC (90 days before the anniversary on the card), unless you've been married more than 2 years at the time you enter the US then there's no need for ROC. BUT if you've been married less than 2 years and get the 2 year card and then divorce, you're supposed to file for ROC as soon as the divorce is final. You would file with a divorce waiver.

The financial side of things isn't relevant anymore, not now that you passed them to get the visa. The only thing that matters now is that you have a bonafide relationship with your husband/petitioner and if you show proof of co-mingling etc then you'll usually have no problems getting ROC approved with the divorce waiver.

The problem you face is that you're planning on immigrating on a CR-1 without a valid relationship to immigrate to, which is fraud. If you DON'T enter on the CR-1 (call and get it cancelled) and instead just visit as a Canadian visitor, you have 6 months to stay and then you need to return home. No family member or friend can help you stay unless you have a mother or father living in the states to sponsor you (the others would take too long).

You could come to the US and find somewhere that's willing to hire you on and do a work visa and then leave the US to process the work visa and come and stay that way. Or if you get a student visa. But it doesn't look like you can come with your GC and stay simply because you acknowledge your relationship is effectively over and so would your visa be if USCIS knew the truth.

[Cathi 5,609]

Thank you! I do get what you are saying. We had to thoughts initially and one was to see if the west coast would work and the other was to check out options for the east coast, which was always my hope and intention as it's not a long trip to go to Canada. I feel I need to go to the US as planned and take the time to sort through all the steps. As someone said as a Canadian I am allowed to stay with or without a visa for six months. This would give me time to think about what I want to do.

Can I not reapply while I am there for a removal of conditions and show a family member who will sponsor me to stay permanently?

I guess the thing is I am allowed to immigrate not based on my husband supporting me but because I have my own means. At my stage in life I wouldn't have wanted to immigrate unless my marriage was in good faith I just had no real idea of how deceitful and mentally confused he was. I just tried to explain a little so I could get some advice..........I am so broken hearted.

No, you cannot come on a CR1 marriage based visa and attempt to have someone else sponsor you. The only person you can remove conditions with is your husband. Unless AFTER you came here, he was abusive(but you already know he is, so telling USCIS you had no idea he was abusive until after you moved here would be lying and therefore fraud), then you file for divorce and remove conditions on your own.

Edited January 7, 2013 by mimolicious

[Ihavequestions 419]

I guess the thing is I am allowed to immigrate not based on my husband supporting me but because I have my own means.

No. Your ability to immigrate is based on your marital status, not your financial status.

[Darnell 8,478]

where in the paperwork process , are you, for CR-1 visa attainment?

I suggest , if no CR-1 visa issued yet, that you cancel the paperwork, where ever it is,

and suss out the divorce for later,

staying in Canada.

Good Luck !

[And_Sam 44]

We've been married for just over a year, date for 3 years before that and new each other casually for 10 years. We met through a social network and had a lot in common. (married in US.....husband no passports and afraid to fly)

I'm a mother of 2 grown children. He's a dad of 2 teenage daughters. I've had half a dz visits to the US and is first visit was for Christmas prior to me immigrating. He came with only 1 daughter as the other had no passport. My eyes were wide open and terribly disappointed...... since filing for the I130 we haven't seen each other in person for over a year. So much had changed for the worse.

For starters he did not truthfully disclose his financial and physical health issues. I wondered as things were close for their arrival when he started talking about being short of money. He didn't want to live in his ghetto area, nor truthfully did I. Where I currently lived is normal and people don't come over drunk,wearing no underwear (and yes one would be blind no to notice) .......I could go one......but that's not an issue for here. Anyway I get people fall on hard times etc. I get being a single parent is tough. He went from working off and on, to not working. He has a permanent disability apparently that I just found out about as we started to fill out the forms. Hence I sponsored myself......he did fill in the I864 but it only passed with me showing I had assets to cover myself.

The first day and half he appeared normal. The same fun guy I knew and the one my family saw on skype . The next 4 days he said his back was hurting him and had to be catered to……. His daughter bringing him drinks and food to the bedroom. ( I actually was furious over that……..sure a coffee or tea, but 3 meals, snacks and drinks…………..I hate food being eaten in a bedroom) My family kept asking what was wrong………..I would try to talk to him he'd be nice for a bit and then get moody and start swearing ……. I just kept away as this was a week before I'd be moving from my own family and I wanted to enjoy my moments with them, as I was unsure when I see them next.

He has a bizarre relationship with his eldest daughter, who came (she's sweet and naïve in many ways) but he treats her a submissive person, then as his confidant, then as a child, then almost as a lover ..that's hard to describe). She gets confused by it and both his daughters dress pretty provocatively around their dad. He as them get his clothes out in the morning etc. He really does nothing around that house.

Seeing him again and how demanding he is………..how if he doesn't like what is planned for dinner he expects to be made something else or someone to go buy him something.

My stomach became more knotted as the days went on…….. My adult daughter was crying every night worrying what has my mom got into……..my son was quiet and observing. On New Year's they both kept hugging me so much, like they were trying to tell me …….mom don't go……he's not right for you……..you deserve so much better.

Yes, there was tension during our paperwork but I thought that is what it was driven from but NO that is how he is super moody…….if he doesn't get his way he hangs up, or doesn't speak…….. he does something wrong but it's your fault.

I felt it was infringing on mental abuse……… when they don't like something they threaten to do this ……or tell you know one liked you…….or they said this………

He still made time to call his neighbour, and sister.

His other daughter got in trouble at home, she's been running away. So I booked them a flight and sent them back to the US. I told him I am going to visit my brother and think this over……..it's 3000 miles to come to be treated like a slave, to be the only person who is able to work, and with someone who sits back thinking their a king and someone will pay his bills or help him. I found out his money is from SSI where I thought he was working part-time and getting child support, and that not filing taxes was because of low income.

I gave up my job, and I will cross the border shortly and will visit my brother on the other coast ……..I don't think I want to be married to him. It felt like a prison sentence. I've just spend 10 months caring for my elderly parents and that stress was affecting my health………….I just can't do it. He'd make me bankrupt and dead.

What can I do? I can't go back I need to move forward.

NIGHTMARES………that is what my life has become………

The visit showed me this: He treated his daughter like a dog whistling for her. (noticed a bit bossy b4 but not to this extent)

It sounds like you have all ready made your decision. If it doesn't feel right in the beginning, it won't be right in the end. Trust your eyes and your judgement. Nobody can take that away, just try to convince you that you don't see and feel it. Good luck.