J1 overstay (no 2 year rule), married, fly to Europe and back?

[AnotherLostSoul 167]

@Redflower: I am not a psychologist or any sort but I am thinking, maybe there is a certain "behavior" or "attitude" that his family is expecting him as "a man" and maybe over the phone right now, he cannot be as he is usually as after all, his sister (and maybe other relatives, I did not exactly follow through your message) around him and it would be awkward for him to be like he is when he is here. Maybe his family would be like "don't be like a girl, saying I love you and I miss you, you've gotta be a man!". Trust me, there are areas in this world where culturally it's unacceptable for a man to show affection, and say mellow things as I love you etc. So, he wants to act in a way that is accepted by his family and obviously that can come out awkward over the phone with you as you know that it is not him. Just wait until he gets back and you guys can talk. If you guys both, unconditionally, love each other, things will be fine. If however, you feel he is not the one you fell in love with, United States of America, or not, you're better off without him. I know this sounds harsh, and easier said than done, but I believe human relationships are far more important than good living standards, or being in a better country than your own, or have a nice car, or house etc. If you have all these, but your own spouse and you don't get along, then all these are totally invaluable. Think about this! Also, don't forget, there's a huuuuge time difference, and although the sister might allow him to use the phone, but at the time interval when you talk with him could be the time frame when most of his sister's friends would call his sister for meeting up for dinner, or opposite, and the early morning to leave off together. I am not saying any of this is the case, but think about it. You can always PM me if you need some other advice...even though I'm nowhere an expert at any of these areas, but I hate people being sad, so I never run out of life advices to help them, if I can.

All the best!

[Boiler 43,430]

You met this guy in the one day you worked?

[Tanja08 11]

Does anybody have an opinion about my previous post on how he behaves now on the phone? And how i can find out how he feels now?

I'm not Dr. Phil, but three weeks is nothing!!! You have a long journey ahead of you, when it comes to immigration.

Imagine being separated for a 6 month or a year, like most people are in long distance relationships!

You only known each other for 3 month or so and just because he is gone for a few weeks doesn't mean he doesn't love you anymore!

It's really awkward to be all " hugs and kisses" in front of your family, even if their in a different room.

Just try to calm down and not suffocate him, he'll be just fine when he is back and then you can concentrate on the real nightmare; immigration!!!

[redflower7 0]

Please somebody help me with this.

I have just talked with him again. This is what happened: He said he misses me but he also misses his kids (grown up and from previous marriage). And that I shouldnt have to go "only" because i miss him to a friend!

I told him that i miss him so much i have pain inside. And he says he has no pain! That he had a little at the airport, then a bit more on the plane, but then he arrived there and got used to it. And i said you are so normal. And he said: I AM normal!

Then he said its different for him as he had a wife before and used to be for the first 7 years of their marriage on a cruise ship in the US and only saw her every 7 months in Europe. I said to him: but that was a long time ago and the next 10 years you were always together, and he said: but she never wanted to go with me on holiday to my home country and she never did.

He said he knew what to expect now. But i was hoping that he sees me different then his ex wife and that he is more close and attached to me as they had such a bad marriage!!! And he wants to tell me now that he misses me the same like he used to miss her! And he even said he would feel the same for a third wife!

Generally he is sober and very normal. Not the way he usually is when he is here (very emotional and intense). I said i thought he would even be more missing me but he said he misses me the same as if he would be at work here right now.

In the end i asked him to please be honest and tell me if he misses me just a little or a lot. And he said: i never said i miss you just a little, miss you a lot.

I dont know what to think of all of that. Can somebody please read this all and tell me. Im so confused! The fact that he says he has no pain inside etc is not good, isn't it??? We have only been married for 4 weeks and knowing each other very close and intensly for 4 months, we have never been 1 day apart, this is our first time apart so shouldnt he feel much more intense about it and have pain?

[JohnR! 5,495]

Does anybody have an opinion about my previous post on how he behaves now on the phone? And how i can find out how he feels now?

Once he gets back home you sit and talk and you ask all these questions that are bothering you. He is the only person who has the answers you need. Nobody else does.

I believe I state the obvious when I say that no relationship works out by itself, and couples who remain married for decades do not do so without going through rough times, instances of disagreement and many bad times as well. The answer to how does does manage to stay married for so long is simple: one day at a time.

You and your husband have full control of your relationship and only the two of you can make it work. One other thing you must always remember is that you absolute best will never be more than 50% of the relationship. No matter what, without your husband's 50% it can't work. Many fool themselves into thinking 'I have enough love for both of us' and that is a fallacy. So, get it right from the onset. Talk to your husband and in fact, get to know the man to whom you promised a commitment of a lifetime. In order for your relationship to work, you need to be able to trust him and trust yourself. It seems the two of you have a lot of courting to do.

[redflower7 0]

He doesnt like to talk about problems or dissagreemts because he wants to avoid them as he had constantly problems and big fights with his ex-wife in the former marriage, their talking never worked he said. This is why he wants to avoid them now. Then she died of cancer and he was 4 years on his own.

When he comes back and i sit down with him and bring this up once again he will get very upset and tell me that i am now creating a problem, that there is no problem and nothing to discuss and that we already discussed it before!

This is why i am asking here because i cant do it with him again. I already talked to him and asked him questions and this is why i written his answers in my last post.

Please tell me your opinions people. I am confused and need to know. You can also ask me any questions you want.

Edited September 21, 2012 by redflower7

[redflower7 0]

@ Gegel: I think you havent read my last post as we written at the same time. Please read the last post further up. I just talked with him on the phone 1 hour ago and asked him all the questions and written what he has said.

[cdneh 3,112]

Please somebody help me with this.

I have just talked with him again. This is what happened: He said he misses me but he also misses his kids (grown up and from previous marriage). And that I shouldnt have to go "only" because i miss him to a friend!

I told him that i miss him so much i have pain inside. And he says he has no pain! That he had a little at the airport, then a bit more on the plane, but then he arrived there and got used to it. And i said you are so normal. And he said: I AM normal!

Then he said its different for him as he had a wife before and used to be for the first 7 years of their marriage on a cruise ship in the US and only saw her every 7 months in Europe. I said to him: but that was a long time ago and the next 10 years you were always together, and he said: but she never wanted to go with me on holiday to my home country and she never did.

He said he knew what to expect now. But i was hoping that he sees me different then his ex wife and that he is more close and attached to me as they had such a bad marriage!!! And he wants to tell me now that he misses me the same like he used to miss her! And he even said he would feel the same for a third wife!

Generally he is sober and very normal. Not the way he usually is when he is here (very emotional and intense). I said i thought he would even be more missing me but he said he misses me the same as if he would be at work here right now.

In the end i asked him to please be honest and tell me if he misses me just a little or a lot. And he said: i never said i miss you just a little, miss you a lot.

I dont know what to think of all of that. Can somebody please read this all and tell me. Im so confused! The fact that he says he has no pain inside etc is not good, isn't it??? We have only been married for 4 weeks and knowing each other very close and intensly for 4 months, we have never been 1 day apart, this is our first time apart so shouldnt he feel much more intense about it and have pain?

No one here can tell you what is going on in his mind, or how he feels, or what he should feel. Every person reacts differently to a situation, there is no gold standard for how anyone should be feeling when they are separated from their partner. We can't take what he says and make anything out of it. We don't know him, or you, and anything anyone here would tell you would be only a guess.

The only one who can answer your questions is your husband. You will have to wait until he returns home. It is hard for you to interpret what he means by what he is saying over the phone, as you can't see his expressions, or his body language in a phone conversation.

I think you need to try very hard to calm yourself down, and not let your imagination run away with you, and invent situations and scenarios that are worst case. Stop comparing yourself to his ex wife, stop comparing your present situation to the relationship he had with her. Try not to pester him with questions about how he misses you, or how he feels, or you may unintentionally push him into not wanting to speak with you at all. I know it can be hard to feel secure in any new relationship, and your meeting, marrying, and being separated for 3 weeks is all pretty sudden. Take it easy. Get yourself occupied with putting together your paperwork for AOS, occupy your mind with that as has already been suggested. Three weeks, and less than that now, will pass.

[JohnR! 5,495]

He doesnt like to talk about problems or dissagreemts because he wants to avoid them as he had constantly problems and big fights with his ex-wife in the former marriage, their talking never worked he said. This is why he wants to avoid them now. Then she died of cancer and he was 4 years on his own.

When he comes back and i sit down with him and bring this up once again he will get very upset and tell me that i am now creating a problem, that there is no problem and nothing to discuss and that we already discussed it before!

This is why i am asking here because i cant do it with him again. I already talked to him and asked him questions and this is why i written his answers in my last post.

Please tell me your opinions people. I am confused and need to know. You can also ask me any questions you want.

Our posts crossed...

I don't know how to put it mildly, other than to say your husband comes across as an inconsiderate person.

IMHO, he is punishing you for all the 'wrong' things his ex-wife did.

The old line 'I've done this before...' is unwarranted because he needs to realize you are not his ex-wife, therefore, there is no reason for him to deny your right to have communication in your relationship. If his ex-wife was a nag, it does not mean that you are one too and if he considers addressing the fears and insecurities of his wife nagging, what are you to do with what you need out of your marriage?

I think the question you should be asking is whether he loves you for who you are - with all the good and bad - or he loves you for who he hopes he can shape and mould you into becoming? You also need to be asking yourself if you really wish to spend the rest of your life with a person who, this early in the relationship, is already wiling to silence your voice.

I am sorry. I don't mean to be harsh.

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

Oh good grief.

Marriage isn't some sort of competition over who loves the most, or misses the other the most, blah blah blah.

[redflower7 0]

And the fact that he says he has no pain inside!? But on the other hand he says he is missing me.

I miss him so much i can feel the pain. But he said he wants to be honest and said he has no pain. Is that normal, when we have only been married for 4 weeks, together for 14 weeks, are the first time separate and it will be another 21 days. And also in the light of him usually being very emotional when he is here, texting me from work all the time how much he misses me ???

[Tanja08 11]

And the fact that he says he has no pain inside!? But on the other hand he says he is missing me.

I miss him so much i can feel the pain. But he said he wants to be honest and said he has no pain. Is that normal, when we have only been married for 4 weeks, together for 14 weeks, are the first time separate and it will be another 21 days. And also in the light of him usually being very emotional when he is here, texting me from work all the time how much he misses me ???

What pain is he supposed to feel, he is only going to be gone for three weeks?!?

It is perfectly normal to miss somebody without completely breaking down!!!

Distract yourself! Read a book, meet some friends, start your paperwork!!!

Most importantly stop bugging your husband, enjoy the ten minutes he has to call you!

If you relax he will miss you more

And the fact that he says he has no pain inside!? But on the other hand he says he is missing me.

I miss him so much i can feel the pain. But he said he wants to be honest and said he has no pain. Is that normal, when we have only been married for 4 weeks, together for 14 weeks, are the first time separate and it will be another 21 days. And also in the light of him usually being very emotional when he is here, texting me from work all the time how much he misses me ???

What pain is he supposed to feel, he is only going to be gone for three weeks?!?

It is perfectly normal to miss somebody without completely breaking down!!!

Distract yourself! Read a book, meet some friends, start your paperwork!!!

Most importantly stop bugging your husband, enjoy the ten minutes he has to call you!

If you relax he will miss you more

[seth2013 39]

I agree with Tanja. When my husband goes to visit his family, I always miss him very much. But- I don't feel pain. I doubt he means anything when he says he doesn't feel pain, everyone misses people differently.

Let him have a little time between calls to miss you too, and then your reunion will be all the sweeter.

[ceadsearc 515]

I would suggest you do marriage counseling on your own if he won't participate and decide if you can live with things as they are. Aside from who misses who, he sounds extremely controlling if he doesn't want you spending time with friends while he is out of the country unless friend is code for boyfriend.

[Moomin 292]

Alright, he's visiting his family and has been there for less than a week before you're on bis back about having changed his behaviour, making him feel guilty for not feeling pain inside? He's visiting his family while missing you, that kind of multi tasking is fine and works for most. However you're expecting quite alot if you "want" him to be unhappy for the entire stay he has with his family members. I know I wouldn't be able to forgive myself for making my husband go on a guilt trip rather than on a visit with his family. Your husband isn't forgetting you because he has limited access.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad, don't get me wrong. I'm trying to make you realize how those 10 minutes you share aren't being used for anything but both parts feeling uncomfortable at the end of each conversation and mentally, that will tear you more apart than any distance due to being in different continents.

IMO, you can't use guilt to make him feel bad, and he can't keep using a past relationship to justify how to treat you.