Can absence make the heart wander?

Cdnwmn · October 23, 2006

I won't bash you for how you feel.

For me, the thought of wandering never entered my mind. Between work, looking after kids and being online with him the rest of the time, there was no time for anything else...lol.

Seriously though the urge just wasn't there for me.

Mags · October 23, 2006

"When psychologists talk about intimacy, they're generally referring to two components. The first is the ability to verbalize fairly deep vulnerabilities -- for instance, to say "Do you love me?" and "I miss you." The trickier, almost subconscious part is maintaining the feeling of being intermingled in your partner's life, a state the experts often refer to as "interrelatedness." Couples that are geographically close establish this by discussing the mundane details of daily life, whether it's the fact that you had to take a different route to work because of road construction, or that you have a 2 p.m. meeting with a new client, or that you had a turkey sandwich for lunch."

The fact that I talk to my fiance once a week boggles people's minds. We don't need to talk every day & I certainly could care less if he ate a turkey sandwich.

That's such BS - it implies those of us who don't talk every second of wevery damn day About NOTHING are lacking in our realtionship.

I call it faith in my partner & security in my relationship that we don't need to talk/text/chat a million times a day to be reassured of his love. I have a life outside of my fiance & I hope those of you who talk 4 hours a day to your partner can find one. We lived in the same city for 2 years & didn't even see/talk to each other every day. We're very independent people.

Yes, you're independant and so is your fiance. Fair enough. Others like to spend alot of time talking to their fiances; like I do. It doesn't mean that you have to go around insulting us, which is pretty poor form IMO.

I personally don't think anybody insulted you in this thread or implied your relationship (or anybody who shares the same views) was lacking. So, I still don't see why you felt the need to do so.

Thersch · October 23, 2006

"When psychologists talk about intimacy, they're generally referring to two components. The first is the ability to verbalize fairly deep vulnerabilities -- for instance, to say "Do you love me?" and "I miss you." The trickier, almost subconscious part is maintaining the feeling of being intermingled in your partner's life, a state the experts often refer to as "interrelatedness." Couples that are geographically close establish this by discussing the mundane details of daily life, whether it's the fact that you had to take a different route to work because of road construction, or that you have a 2 p.m. meeting with a new client, or that you had a turkey sandwich for lunch."

The fact that I talk to my fiance once a week boggles people's minds. We don't need to talk every day & I certainly could care less if he ate a turkey sandwich.

That's such BS - it implies those of us who don't talk every second of wevery damn day About NOTHING are lacking in our realtionship.

I call it faith in my partner & security in my relationship that we don't need to talk/text/chat a million times a day to be reassured of his love. I have a life outside of my fiance & I hope those of you who talk 4 hours a day to your partner can find one. We lived in the same city for 2 years & didn't even see/talk to each other every day. We're very independent people.

I talk to my fiance more than 4 hours everyday - not to be "reassured of his love" but because WE LOVE TO TALK TO EACH OTHER. And guess what, WE HAVE A LIFE.. We miss each other so much and our phone conversations helps us get through all these.

That is not a nice one there..

almaty · October 23, 2006

Traviesa · October 23, 2006

I don't know what everyone has to talk about for 4 hours every day! :lol: Is there really that much new stuff to say? Maybe my husband and I aren't "phone" people (well, he certainly is not-he's a typical phone-hating man) but we talk maybe for 30-40 minutes a day, and a lot of that is silence. There's just not really much worth saying when you talk to each other every day. But that's just my opinion on things. I tend to like our phone conversations more than he does-since we can't spend time together physically, it's our "time spent together" but he just hates talking on the phone to anyone for any reason.

no name · October 23, 2006

I don't know what everyone has to talk about for 4 hours every day! Is there really that much new stuff to say?

:no:

There's just not really much worth saying when you talk to each other every day.

:yes:

Edited October 23, 2006 by devilette

slim · October 23, 2006

I say go for it!

If its companionship and just the "interaction" with a female that you're seeking.... do it. It may complicate things, but the one thing that it will do to is keep you "in practice" for when you have a woman around again. We, as guys, get out of practice when we're not in the presence of a lady. We make ####### and fart jokes, we leave the toilet seat up, we let our personal hygiene slide back a little bit. A lady cleans that up nicely!

You can draw the lines where you want as far as "cheating" goes, but me personally, I don't see anything wrong with it. You're a man, you're supposed to be with a woman. If you're not with the one you love, another can (and will) fill in for her temporarily.

Many people will debate the ethics of this, and I'm not going to do that. The mere fact that you've posted this relates to me that you've considered it and are just wondering if it's "OK" to do it. Perhaps you really want to, but just need a little "permission" that it's OK. If that's what you're looking for, you've got my blessing all day, but the only person with an oppinion that matters on this topic is your fiancee. I'd say bring it up with her, and just test the waters a little. Tell her how you're feeling, chances are she's feeling the same way too. And even if she's the jealous type, she'd probably rather you go out with a girl and tell her about it than sneak around behind her back, only to find out about it later.

Who knows, if you're lucky, it may even turn her on a little bit!

Good luck, and just remember, you're only feeling what you're (biologically speaking) supposed to be feeling. Those that say "you should only want your fiancee" are not referring to the natural happenings inside their body (or they're much better at "channelling" these feelings into an "imagined" state) they're just going by what they ethically believe is right or wrong. Do what YOU (and your fiancee) want to do. She may even appreciate the fact that you'll stay "in practice" for her.

Edited October 23, 2006 by slim

rebeccajo · October 23, 2006

I don't mean to seem rude...but alot of your replies seem to be very "me me me" orientated. There is another person in your relationship and I was wondering if you have spoken to her about it. Have you discussed that you feel this way? You might be surprised...

If my conversation seems "me" oriented, it is because "I" am the one who is bearing my soul, and confessing to struggling with temptation, and having a personal problem. I certainly can't speak for anyone else.

Having said that, yes, we talk a lot about how the distance is putting a strain on our relationship and weakening our relationship. We talk about how both of us feel as if we are just "dating" instead of in a lifelong union, because we can spend so little time together. We cry on the phone because we miss each other. We both wish things were different. We are both hoping for a "sudden breakthrough" with immigration.

r2 - is there some sort of temptation that's presenting itself to you? Someone or something that you didn't go looking for? Is that the problem?

Lou Lou · October 23, 2006

I don't know what everyone has to talk about for 4 hours every day! Is there really that much new stuff to say?

There's just not really much worth saying when you talk to each other every day.

Maybe a lot less goes on in your lives than other people? Food for thought.

Canuck Carrie · October 23, 2006

I say go for it!
If its companionship and just the "interaction" with a female that you're seeking.... do it. It may complicate things, but the one thing that it will do to is keep you "in practice" for when you have a woman around again. We, as guys, get out of practice when we're not in the presence of a lady. We make ####### and fart jokes, we leave the toilet seat up, we let our personal hygiene slide back a little bit. A lady cleans that up nicely!

You can draw the lines where you want as far as "cheating" goes, but me personally, I don't see anything wrong with it. You're a man, you're supposed to be with a woman. If you're not with the one you love, another can (and will) fill in for her temporarily.

Many people will debate the ethics of this, and I'm not going to do that. The mere fact that you've posted this relates to me that you've considered it and are just wondering if it's "OK" to do it. Perhaps you really want to, but just need a little "permission" that it's OK. If that's what you're looking for, you've got my blessing all day, but the only person with an oppinion that matters on this topic is your fiancee. I'd say bring it up with her, and just test the waters a little. Tell her how you're feeling, chances are she's feeling the same way too. And even if she's the jealous type, she'd probably rather you go out with a girl and tell her about it than sneak around behind her back, only to find out about it later.

Who knows, if you're lucky, it may even turn her on a little bit!

Good luck, and just remember, you're only feeling what you're (biologically speaking) supposed to be feeling. Those that say "you should only want your fiancee" are not referring to the natural happenings inside their body (or they're much better at "channelling" these feelings into an "imagined" state) they're just going by what they ethically believe is right or wrong. Do what YOU (and your fiancee) want to do. She may even appreciate the fact that you'll stay "in practice" for her.

Better make another batch.

w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r · October 23, 2006

Disclaimer: I haven't read any of the previous posts. Apologies in advance if I'm repeating what someone else already said.