Our Humble Home

[Iyawo Ijebu 157]

Oh gosh what a mess! Sorry no offence but that's just gross and dirty! Clean up before even thinking about decorating.

For sure that's pigsville right there, even my garage looks better organized and cleaner and it's only cars that live in there.

[elmcitymaven 9,711]

Look, I'm a bit of a slob. But I'm messy, not dirty, and I'm sorry to say it but your flat is dirty. Frankly, your husband is not showing you any respect by dismissing you as materialistic because you want a little order in what you have described in other posts as a somewhat disordered life at the moment. Wanting pleasurable surroundings is a normal human desire, and not indicative of being spoiled.

If anything, he's acting like a spoiled brat by refusing to pick up after himself. I am guilty of leaving clothes on the floor, but I would never throw TRASH on the floor. "Intelligent" adults do not do this, nor do they denigrate their loved ones for wanting to live like adults. Is he really such a deep thinker that he can't reach the bin? I bet even Sartre and Kant picked up the occasional sock.

[Adriene H 89]

Honey Crumpet .. thank you.

I was just bouncing images of my life onto other folks

to see if this is really what my husband calls 'normal

living'

Then I can show him these comments and say look, this

is disgusting, help me clean up mister!

[rade2rising 205]

cleanliness is next to happiness

[Adriene H 89]

cleanliness is next to happiness

Godliness too ... but my first goal is happiness

[*Snowdrop* 603]

It's not normal living but it's not uncommon for single guys living alone for a while to develop some habits and a standard of living that while they are comfortable with it, is pretty horrible to another person. Quite a few of my male friends were like this as students and actually long after. It was usually their various girlfriends who managed to start cleaning them up a bit.

You've got two main issues here to sort out - one is the space itself, the other is a relationship issue (how you balance your different needs) which is probably the harder one and the one you should tackle first.

He either

1. Really doesn't notice or think there is anything wrong with your home. (but may be willing see some changes for your sake)

2. Notices but is too lazy to do anything about it

3. Notices and really likes it like that. Does not want to change under any circumstances.

If it's the third one then you have to decide how you feel about living like this for the rest of your marriage or how you can find a way to cope with it.

If it's the first two then you need to have some discussions about what you would like to see happen with that space. From the comments you say he's made to you it sounds like defensive bluster to me, so you might need to take a look at how you are framing your opinions, requests, frustration etc. If you are getting too upset and going on the attack too much then he might just dig in and refuse to listen because he feels under attack. That's certainly how my husband would react.

You know what I mean - the softer approach of "I'd like to find a way to use this space better" rather than "You live like a pig and I can't take it anymore"

It might help if you had some specific ideas of constructive changes you would like to make and take it slowly if you think that's what he needs.

It's hard work living in a small space - we are currently a family of 3 people (stretching to 5 on weekends when stepkids are here) in a tiny 2-bedroomed 18th century log cabin. It gets messy really quickly if you don't stay on top if it. I've just worked really hard to make the most of every space and try to make lots of our furniture etc multifunctional and have things like chairs and tables which fold up or stack away to make more space.

Ikea has some great products for living is tiny apartments - and it's worth getting their brochure for inspiration even if you don't want to shop there.

And also - I'd say back to basics - you will feel 100% better if every night you quickly ran a vacuum over the floor - and every morning you make your bed neatly. Even if your husband is not doing anything, I bet that would be a good start to making you feel more at peace in the space.

[Adriene H 89]

I think the first two things I'll put on the top

of my list are

1) Declutter/Detrash

2) A shelf with like 4-5 levels

I can envision alot of the stuff that gets tossed

about is because we have little storage space, so

if there was a shelf to give stuff a home right?

The bottom row could even be for extra shoes.

The next couple rows, I could get squarish

baskets and make a kind of dresser area for

clothes. And the last rows for books and misc

stuff, maybe toiletries. Our bathroom doesn't

have any storage, and too tiny to add anything,

so right now, my husband's stuff lives on top

of the fridge, and I have a little flowery

make-up tote for my stuff.

3) Be patient

Since we decided to give up immigration for my

husband to the USA, and started pursuing my

immigration to England, then I need to be patient

until I'm allowed to work and hopefully we'll

be able to afford something a step above this.

Then I can focus on creating more of a sanctuary.

Edited May 26, 2012 by Adriene H

[Stu4Lee 66]

1st thought was have you been burgled??

2nd thought was you don't work and live like this??

A roll of black bags would be a start.

[*Snowdrop* 603]

Adriene - I think you are right - more shelving would be a real help - from the pictures it looks like you have lots of options for using the 'up' space in your home.

Be creative with the storage containers you then put on those shelves and it may help you 'hide' some of the everyday chaos.

I recommend taking a look at these Ikea videos and ideas for living in small spaces. There's a crazy one where six people (friends) are living in one room. I don't work with Ikea but I just think they have some great ideas for multi functional living.

Living in small spaces

Also these links might help:

Organising for small spaces

Declutter your space

But my main advice would be - don't wait for the next home to make your santury. MAKE IT NOW.

That way your other half will start to get an idea of how you want to live now, and you will also have a place to feel relaxed in. Don't put it off.

[Darnell 8,478]

most of the intelligent ppl that I know make a lot of money, and can afford to have hired help to keep a domicile clean.

Since you two are already living together (Or did I miss that part?) maybe it's time to have a deep conversation,

where you become the declutter and organizer, and promise not to throw anything of his away with out his review and approval.

I've helped 4 ppl in my lifetime (relatives and a friend) declutter . It's not for the faint of heart, and it's not a passing, light convo.

I don't wish this task on anyone, really.

Good Luck, however it turns out.

Edited May 26, 2012 by Darnell

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Just what master thesis is your husband accomplishing instead of tidying up?

[Adriene H 89]

Just what master thesis is your husband accomplishing instead of tidying up?

He hasn't shared it with me yet, but his hero is Professor Brian Cox

[*Snowdrop* 603]

Hi Adriene

How did the start of the decluttering go?

Here's another page of inspiration for small spaces living

http://pinterest.com/lynnesusanne/tiny-house-living/

[Hilarious Clinton 452]

I find that there is less stress living in a clean environment. I also found that I've become cleaner/more organized as I get older.

1. Work by 'zone'.... just pick an area and work on it. I find that working in smaller areas is less daunting. Work on a different zone each weekend.

2. Pick up each item in the zone and throw it away, donate it or keep it.

3. Vacuum/dust the zone

4. Store the keep stuff in bins

5. Make the bed every day. I read somewhere that it sets a positive tone for the day.

The 'I'm too intelligent to be clean' is just an excuse.

something like this (many stores have similar concepts).... the bins hide the clutter

[Adriene H 89]

something like this (many stores have similar concepts).... the bins hide the clutter

I love this idea. This was almost exactly the vision in my

head when I mentioned that I wanted a shelf ...