Staying in touch!!

[kirk and Jenny 0]

Again I think a cultural thing. My Fiancee is Filipino. I think we have missed 2 days of chatting in the last year and 1/2. It is very important for us to stay in touch. I know what you are going through though. She was raising her child when I first met her and was not working or going to school. I am putting her through nursing school now and our time to chat has been drastically curtailed. This is difficult on both of us.

[Fandango 1,439]

Andy, it's very hard trying to balance everything, elieve me...pretty much all of us know what you're talking about. Sometimes I push D to go out & experience all the things he's going to be missing....gigs,footy matches, piss ups with his friends, etc....and then I'm feeling sad cos all I'm doing is sat at home or working. Develop your own routine which makes you happy & keeps you busy. Your fiancee will be here soon enough and you won't have the time to waste like you do now. My thing is, I do things for myself. I go to the gym, shopping, do ridiculously long spa treatments, spending time with friends for hours and hours on end, etc...these things, I know, I will be pressed for time when he gets here & I will not have all this disposable time as I do now. I would say it'd be wise for you to look at it in this fashion, because imo, it really puts things into perspective.

Good luck!

[CarolineM 0]

....spa treatments....

<sigh>

[Caladan 19]

I would suspect it's a personality thing rather than a cultural thing. Andy, I'm sort of like your fiancée w/r/t clinginess, so let me try to explain it from my perspective.

My fiancé and I talk every day. But there was a time when we would get into horrible arguments over when we should talk, how often we should talk, and I found it very controlling. I didn't want to spend every night waiting for a phone call -- I wanted to go out and hang out with my friends, or see a movie, or grab a drink with my roommate -- basically have as normal a life as possible. The last thing I wanted was to look back on my 20s and realize I spent it online.

I also hate e-mailing. E-mailing love notes drives me mad.

In our case, we resolved the problem by him relaxing & trusting me more and me keeping the lines of commmunication open. I may head out tonight with friends, but before I do, I'll probably give him a call to tell him I love him and not to wait up. Last night he went out visiting his cousin so he called me first.

I find that numerous short phone calls are better than one long one. It's also good to keep busy. IMO, there's nothing more dull than someone whimpering 'love you miss you' all the time. I'd rather hear about what he thought of a movie, or whether he had a good time visiting friends, or what book he likes. And to do that, we need to cut the apron strings a bit.

[AndyMisiu 0]

I would suspect it's a personality thing rather than a cultural thing. Andy, I'm sort of like your fiancée w/r/t clinginess, so let me try to explain it from my perspective.

My fiancé and I talk every day. But there was a time when we would get into horrible arguments over when we should talk, how often we should talk, and I found it very controlling. I didn't want to spend every night waiting for a phone call -- I wanted to go out and hang out with my friends, or see a movie, or grab a drink with my roommate -- basically have as normal a life as possible. The last thing I wanted was to look back on my 20s and realize I spent it online.

I also hate e-mailing. E-mailing love notes drives me mad.

In our case, we resolved the problem by him relaxing & trusting me more and me keeping the lines of commmunication open. I may head out tonight with friends, but before I do, I'll probably give him a call to tell him I love him and not to wait up. Last night he went out visiting his cousin so he called me first.

I find that numerous short phone calls are better than one long one. It's also good to keep busy. IMO, there's nothing more dull than someone whimpering 'love you miss you' all the time. I'd rather hear about what he thought of a movie, or whether he had a good time visiting friends, or what book he likes. And to do that, we need to cut the apron strings a bit.

Thank you for this post. You are absolutely correct in everything you just said. She is not clingy, she is very independent, and very laid back. She should be out enjoying her 20's and trying her best to pass time until we can be together.

I was doing it all wrong. I was locking myself inside my house and work cuddled up to my computer all the time. In the process I was losing who I was, the person she fell in love with. I was losing my personality. I was becoming boring and the subject of all our conversations were, I love you and I miss you. I probably did push her away a little bit with all of that. She just wants to keep her mind off of things and told me I should do the same.

So I went out last night and had a good time. I should be able to talk with her and keep the conversation light and cool. I do need to relax a little bit. Trust her, and take things one day at a time. I don't want to lose who I am in this process. I don't want her to lose who she is either.

Thanks again.

[Jersey Girl 2]

Andy, you know you're co-dependent and insecure. So develop a group of supportive friends you can talk to, in person. This may not be a bunch of guys going to a football game.

While it's important to "have a life," it's equally important to understand your past life and how it made you the person you are now. If you're aware of your triggers and patterns, you'll have a better chance of stopping them.

It may be interesting to drop in on a few 12-step groups. Even if you're not abusing anything or anyone, it's interesting to hear the stories and get some insights. There are many common threads. You may meet people with valuable things to tell you.

We can talk forever about how many times we communicate with our fiances and spouses, but that's not the point. If you want to stop being clingy, try using this time to understand the reasons why you're insecure.

It's ironic that the title of this tread is "staying in touch," because the person you may not be in touch with enough is yourself.

(We're all on your side.)

[Melo 1]

Paul and I talk everyday for a few hours at a time... it would have to be something extraordinary for us not to talk... and it is gonna happen when I am in England coz I will not have a puter at my disposal

[Mandi+Ryan 0]

I know how you feel when it comes the the distance. On the other hand, I am the female in the relationship. I want to spend every second I can with my SO. If he and I were together, after a while, we'd need some space, but we both want to spend all the time we can together now, and for a while after we are together again. It's hard I know, and though I will still want as much time as possible with him once he has been here a while, we will need some freedom. I don't think there are enough hours in a day, to tell you the truth. Ryan and I talk everyday, a couple times a day. We long for the next chance we get to spend time together.

I look at it this way, get to know other married couple. Be-friend them, so when your SO or yourself wants to go out with "friends" you will be able to trust. And when you go out, you can do the whole "group" scene, or just spend a night out with your SO alone.

Look at all the options and try to solve as many of the problems with more options. Let her know how you feel, and if she truly cares she will recognize it. You have to work on it together. Afterall, aren't relationships 50/50???