Dieting

[almaty 19]

I am a great bush beater

umm, that is something I didn't need to know

damn jim, somethings need to be kept private...

No-one is too fat - they are all just too SHORT

correction sister..this is america...vertically challenge...

[Peter Miami 0]

[Marilyn. 340]

Chocolate is a Vegetable

Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans.

Bean = vegetable.

Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar BEETS.

Both of them are plants, in the vegetable category.

Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

[snz1802 0]

i really like these diets LOL

[Marilyn. 340]

YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO DIET WHEN...

You dance and it makes the band skip.

You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

You disappear and they have to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.

You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

You could sell shade.

Your blood type is Ragu.

You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.

[RaspberrySwirl 20]

I am a great bush beater

more like a toothpick!

haha

That just sounds so wrong...

[Tiksman 0]

[Marilyn. 340]

Quotes about Food and Dieting

"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."

~Steven Wright

"Personally I stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get."

~George Burns

"I'm at the age when food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table."

~Rodney Dangerfield

"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded, dead."

~Woody Allen

"Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds."

~Joan Rivers

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are."

~Matt Lauer (on NBC's Today Show).

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."

~Jim Carrey

[caviar22 1]

Severely vertically challenged typing here... or as I prefer it, horizontally skinny

[Marilyn. 340]

The Toddler Diet

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet).

Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet.

Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet.

You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!!

DAY ONE

Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.

Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

DAY THREE

Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.

Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: Drop pieces of spaghetti onto back of dog, insert meatball into ear. Dump pudding into Kool-aid and suck up with a straw.

REPEAT DAYS AS NEEDED!

[Dixie_Peach 1]

[mercuryroad 0]

The Toddler Diet

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet).

Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet.

Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet.

You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!!

DAY ONE

Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.

Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

DAY THREE

Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.

Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: Drop pieces of spaghetti onto back of dog, insert meatball into ear. Dump pudding into Kool-aid and suck up with a straw.

REPEAT DAYS AS NEEDED!

I was hoping suckling would be involved

[moondancer627 0]

[

"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."

~Steven Wright

"Personally I stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get."

~George Burns

"I'm at the age when food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table."

~Rodney Dangerfield

LOL: Yep went to the doctor today and got the annual lecture on being overweight according the The Standards out there,, yet again I stressed to her, I'm healthy and I am probably more likely to get killed on the freeway then from eating too many hamburgers. I also hike like crazy and enjoy weight lifting.

Maybe we should have ethnic weight charts of course I am from German background did you ever see a thin German farm girl, muscular and big to carry the plow around on the farm, plus my husband is used to old fashioned Austrian cooking keeps me from having to starve to death on salads every night..

Doctor's are trying to help, but they need to be asked about their own health too...

[Marilyn. 340]

Important Health Questions Answered

1. Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't

waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.

Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying

you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.

Want to live longer? Take a nap.

2. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay

and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more

than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.

Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass

(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your

recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

3. Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As

we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three

categories: animal; mineral; and vegetable. We all know that beer and

wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements,

so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a

beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

4. Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to

one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

5. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain? Good.

6. Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?

A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual statement and peace of mind.

If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.

7. Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact,

they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

8. Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

9. Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You

should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

10. Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans... Another vegetable. It's the best,

feel-good food around!

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

Have a cookie... flour is a veggie!

"When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and salt."

[Marilyn. 340]