Grass not always greener

[TravellingNomad 12]

well, it's almost 6 months when the wife and kids arrived in the US. the kids have adjusted very quickly to life here, but the wife has not. she has not even somehow adjusted (IMO). 2 months into being here, i noticed my wife...how should i say it, well not being a wife. what i mean by that is that she very rarely talks to me and we don't even sleep in the same room. every couple of days i ask her if she wants to call home or any of her friends. but she always says no. i know for a fact that she texts and messages (via fb) her friends. she actually communicates with them more than she communicates with me. she keeps saying that the reason why she's cold towards me is that she doesn't like my "ugali". but im not sure what she means because being together for over a decade, she already knows how i am and i have not changed.

last week we had a blow out and she told me that if i was getting stressed with her and the kids, for me to just send them back. if anyone's going to be flying back to the Philippines, it will just be her by herself. i told i was not going to let her just take the kids. later that day i made "lambing" to her just so she would know i wasn't mad anymore. but we got into a little spat again the other day. so now, i just gave up talking to her. i haven't said a word to her since.

i know she's depressed and she's homesick. what i am frustrated about is the fact that 24/7 i get the silent treatment. meaning that if i don't talk to her, she won't say anything to me. i told her that i don't mind her communicating with her friends and siblings all she wants, but all im asking for is that when i get home from work, that she talk to me naman. it doesn't have to be the whole night, but just give me her time so we can just catch up and talk about how each of our days went. but for her, sitting next to me when i get home from work is good enough. she may be sitting next to me, but she's fiddling with her phone texting and messaging communicating with the whole world except me. whenever i ask her if she's ok, she tells me she is and asks why i keep asking her that.

there are other things that i wont get into, but with our recent spat, it has forced me to step outside the circle and look into the marriage. i am actually at the point where im 50/50 about divorce. after everything we've been through in our relationship and marriage, the time when i thought both of us will be happy finally came February of this year. But, i am not seeing her being happy. i am not even seeing her have any feelings towards me. but maybe im just imagining it.

ladies...were you ever cold towards your husband when you got here? and how long did it take you to snap out of your depression?

Edited August 9, 2011 by TravellingNomad

[TiklingGuy 211]

Man, i am sorry to hear about your situation. Monreal just got here a month ago, so i don't relate right now. If she is silent and homesick and ignoring you 24/7 can you send her home for some R&R for a couple of weeks. Sounds like a few weeks apart would help. I am sure there are many questions that you both would have to ask each other to get to the root of the problem. And i am sure there are going to be many post on here from a bunch of White American guys who think they are philippino culture experts, who are going to blame her behavior on the culture. Its not culture thats the problem. She is unhappy, and she needs to work on that herself.

[Impatient Cupcake 10]

i agree with dex. it definitely has nothing to do with the culture. actually pinays are known to be malambing.

[rhenzhen 5]

Sorry to hear your frustration with your wife. I hope your relationship can work it out. Why not ask her to go on vacation with you? Travel to different states like NY, Chicago or Florida? If not, I guess, it's better to send her home for a couple of weeks or months... Does your wife any plans to find a job? Staying at home makes you homesick... Do you have TFC or GMA international channels? If not, i guess, you better subscribe one for her...

Edited August 9, 2011 by rhenzhen

[Ben&Romeliza 2]

I am not filipino culture expert, but I am a American male....Actually a african american male. Everyone handle situations differently... Your culture/environment does affect your problem solving in various situation. Communication is your answer...try to create a positive atmosphere by doing something she likes...mybe a movie, outdoor activities, shopping together, something with the kids, Chuckie Cheesee......something to create that positive environment....it only takes a few words... and appreciate the small steps. It is a major adjustment for You and Her.

[TiklingGuy 211]

Man, i am sorry to hear about your situation. Monreal just got here a month ago, so i don't relate right now. If she is silent and homesick and ignoring you 24/7 can you send her home for some R&R for a couple of weeks. Sounds like a few weeks apart would help. I am sure there are many questions that you both would have to ask each other to get to the root of the problem. And i am sure there are going to be many post on here from a bunch of American guys who think they are philippino culture experts, who are going to blame her behavior on the culture. Its not culture thats the problem. She is unhappy, and she needs to work on that herself.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Wow, you two have been together for over a decade and she just recently came here? Why such a long delay? I would think that probably has a lot to do with the tension. She was used to being a single parent and making decisions on her own and now all of sudden, she's suppose to share those decisions with you.

With 2 kids between you, divorce shouldn't even be on your mind, IMO. Man up and work it out. It may seem like it's all on her (the coldness), but there's got to be some dynamics going on between you two that is causing the strife. Go to a marriage counselor - whatever it takes, but get divorce out of your mind, or the relationship is doomed to fail, IMO.

[TiklingGuy 211]

I am not filipino culture expert, but I am a American male....Actually a african american male. Everyone handle situations differently... Your culture/environment does affect your problem solving in various situation. Communication is your answer...try to create a positive atmosphere by doing something she likes...mybe a movie, outdoor activities, shopping together, something with the kids, Chuckie Cheesee......something to create that positive environment....it only takes a few words... and appreciate the small steps. It is a major adjustment for You and Her.

Sorry dude, i fixed that White American guys line. I tried but that edit button i think posted it as a reply instead.

[~happyndinlove~ 540]

she keeps saying that the reason why she's cold towards me is that she doesn't like my "ugali".

Can you be more specific? What does she not like about your attitude?

but im not sure what she means because being together for over a decade, she already knows how i am and i have not changed.

People evolve and so does / must the relationship...and...am I correct when I think I detect a "dominant alpha male" in your relationship perspective?

Edited August 9, 2011 by ~happyndinlove~

[one...two...tree 2,762]

last week we had a blow out and she told me that if i was getting stressed with her and the kids, for me to just send them back. if anyone's going to be flying back to the Philippines, it will just be her by herself. i told i was not going to let her just take the kids.

I'm sorry, but that's just wrong. Using the children as a manipulative ploy to keep her here is only going to make her hate/resent you even more. Sounds to me like you're on a power trip and she's not letting you toss her around like that. I'd apologize to her and tell her you would not fight her for custody of the children should she choose to go back home, for starters. Better learn a more effective way to deal with conflict than to get into a power struggle, IMO.

[Theresa0828 65]

I am a filipina and I am here for 3 months plus now... and I am definitely under some kind of depression if that's how you call it, at least I admit it and constantly checking myself...

Anyways.... after the long wait of approval, getting married and settling down and everything hype died down... i guess I felt depleted... the adjustments of coming here... like I was use to working and I can't work yet... everyday my sense of self worth is slowly eroding coz i am not doing anything, I do some sort of cooking and some sort of cleaning in the house and it somehow helps my self worth a little bit...

I think the need of something to do... the need to go out and talk and relate to other people, other than my husband... Travel helps since we do travel at least once or twice a month... just those weekends getaways... there are times though that i sulk... and sullen... and do not want to talk... but after that I explained to my husband why I am like that... like sometimes i just need to be alone with my own thoughts... although having kids around would really help though... we do not have kids yet

So i guess give her time... she will come out of it soon, make plans to go out with the kids or you and her alone... make her feel what she is doing everyday is a great deal for you... My husband always tell me I did a great job for just a simple task as posting our pictures on facebook... or doing something on our ebay account. I do not advise divorce... i think that this is just a simple problem... there are a lot of things I read in this forum that warrants divorce but not this one... Goodluck!!! and stay strong for your kids.

[rheanick 42]

well, it's almost 6 months when the wife and kids arrived in the US. the kids have adjusted very quickly to life here, but the wife has not. she has not even somehow adjusted (IMO). 2 months into being here, i noticed my wife...how should i say it, well not being a wife. what i mean by that is that she very rarely talks to me and we don't even sleep in the same room. every couple of days i ask her if she wants to call home or any of her friends. but she always says no. i know for a fact that she texts and messages (via fb) her friends. she actually communicates with them more than she communicates with me. she keeps saying that the reason why she's cold towards me is that she doesn't like my "ugali". but im not sure what she means because being together for over a decade, she already knows how i am and i have not changed.

last week we had a blow out and she told me that if i was getting stressed with her and the kids, for me to just send them back. if anyone's going to be flying back to the Philippines, it will just be her by herself. i told i was not going to let her just take the kids. later that day i made "lambing" to her just so she would know i wasn't mad anymore. but we got into a little spat again the other day. so now, i just gave up talking to her. i haven't said a word to her since.

i know she's depressed and she's homesick. what i am frustrated about is the fact that 24/7 i get the silent treatment. meaning that if i don't talk to her, she won't say anything to me. i told her that i don't mind her communicating with her friends and siblings all she wants, but all im asking for is that when i get home from work, that she talk to me naman. it doesn't have to be the whole night, but just give me her time so we can just catch up and talk about how each of our days went. but for her, sitting next to me when i get home from work is good enough. she may be sitting next to me, but she's fiddling with her phone texting and messaging communicating with the whole world except me. whenever i ask her if she's ok, she tells me she is and asks why i keep asking her that.

there are other things that i wont get into, but with our recent spat, it has forced me to step outside the circle and look into the marriage. i am actually at the point where im 50/50 about divorce. after everything we've been through in our relationship and marriage, the time when i thought both of us will be happy finally came February of this year. But, i am not seeing her being happy. i am not even seeing her have any feelings towards me. but maybe im just imagining it.

ladies...were you ever cold towards your husband when you got here? and how long did it take you to snap out of your depression?

You have to ask her what are the "ugali" she does not like about you. That would be the start. Remember, once communication stop, the next step is divorce.

[TravellingNomad 12]

thanks for the replies/input everyone. instead of doing a multi-quote making a huge post, i will just reply in order of the post.

Dex22 - i actually know the culture because i was born there (immigrated when I was 12) and spent a several years for college there. yeah she is unhappy and i know it's because she really misses her family, especially mom and sister. her and her sister was really very very close. don't think we need anymore time apart. we've been together since 1996 and was apart for 90% out of that time.

Rhenzhen - yeah we do have TFC at home. as far as travelling far, not really in the immediate plans right now. still trying to save up again after the petition process (i did submit petitions for the wife and kids...so it got a little costly). but i do have plans to take her and the kids for a little western states hopping next summer. she is actively looking for a job, but without a license yet and a very limited work experience (the last time she worked was before we got married over 10 years ago), a little hard to land even an interview call. when she asked if she could go back home to visit next spring, i did not hesitate to tell her she can because of the fact i know she misses her family there.

Ben&Romeliza - i do try to take them out during weekends as much as i could. i take them to the movies, do a little shopping every now and then, the drive-in on friday nights every so often, eat out every now, go to the park for the afternoon, and spend the day with friends sometimes. any thing she might think of wanting to do with the kids, im more than willing the pack them up in the car and take off. the problem is, whenever i try to talk to her, try to see is everything's ok with her, she will tell me she's fine and act like im crazy for even asking the question. i try to communicate with her, but she just doesn't want to talk to me. if i don't say anything to her, she will not talk to me. the only time she'll initiate a conversation is if when we both have to make a decision on things.

DFH - yeah been together a very long time. reason why they came here only this year was because of $$$. i didn't have it. or at least enough of it. i work for the state and i did not get paid all that much when i started (i still don't up to now), but the past couple of years, i've moved up through the ranks and started making enough to be able to set aside for the petition. about divorce, that was not even in my head until the past several weeks, she started joking around saying she knows how i wish i married another woman that is financially in better situation. that thought is actually her own thought. believen it or not, i did nothing wrong for her to think that. so with her bringing up the word divorce just about every other day, now im thinking she's not happy with me. and i would never use our children as leverage to make her stay here. if she doesn't want to be with me, im not going to force her to stay by using our kids. but just because she doesn't want to be with me, it does not mean the kids feel the same way. the kids have actually told both me and her that they like it here and don't want to go back to the Philippines to live. and i've never been in a power trip with her. i don't command her to do things or force what i think is correct on her. in our household, she makes as much of the decisions as i do. i don't, and never have, dominated her.

happyandinlove - what she always complain about is that instead of going to sleep the same time as her, i stay up watching the 10 o'clock news. btw, she likes to be in bed to go to sleep by 8 pm. and when i said "how i am", it's not because of having to be a "dominant alpha male". like i said the DFH, on everything both of us do, if it has to do with our family, both me and her have to make the decision. even in as simple as what movie to watch, she has as much say in it as i do. i actually give way to her when she does not think my ideas are great or she does not like them.

--------------------------------

again, i'm not into this to dominate my wife. i try to do what i can to help her not be homesick as much, but it's a little hard to succeed when she refuses to communicate with me about how she feels being here. all i really ask from her is every now and then, make lambing to me like i do with her. but at this moment, she thinks that sitting next to me and not saying anything at all unless i say something to her, is paglalambing. i don't know about you guys, but i don't see anything malambing about that.

[Tahoma 2,291]

@Theresa...great post...

@Harvey...I like your style...You're the man !!!

[one...two...tree 2,762]

DFH - yeah been together a very long time. reason why they came here only this year was because of $. i didn't have it. or at least enough of it. i work for the state and i did not get paid all that much when i started (i still don't up to now), but the past couple of years, i've moved up through the ranks and started making enough to be able to set aside for the petition. about divorce, that was not even in my head until the past several weeks, she started joking around saying she knows how i wish i married another woman that is financially in better situation. that thought is actually her own thought. believen it or not, i did nothing wrong for her to think that. so with her bringing up the word divorce just about every other day, now im thinking she's not happy with me. and i would never use our children as leverage to make her stay here. if she doesn't want to be with me, im not going to force her to stay by using our kids. but just because she doesn't want to be with me, it does not mean the kids feel the same way. the kids have actually told both me and her that they like it here and don't want to go back to the Philippines to live. and i've never been in a power trip with her. i don't command her to do things or force what i think is correct on her. in our household, she makes as much of the decisions as i do. i don't, and never have, dominated her.

IMO, if you kept holding off bringing her to the states because of lack of money (for nearly a decade), she is going to scrutinize your handling of finances and maybe she sees where you could have made more personal sacrifices money wise to bring her and the kids here sooner? Maybe that's what she's upset about, but doesn't want to verbalize it or make you feel guilty about it. I cannot imagine the financial circumstances that made it possible to visit her throughout the years, father a couple of children, but not have the money to bring her and the kids over, and I'd be p!ssed to no end if I were in her shoes if when I got here I noticed that you weren't pinching every penny. I'm sure you have some valid reasons why you took so long, but I'm guessing that has got to be something that she's now seeing from a much closer view.

Best of luck. I'd go see a marriage counselor in hopes that you both can open up and talk about what is on your minds because she sounds very angry about the whole situation and probably feels that it's too late to complain about it.

Edited August 9, 2011 by DFH