How is having a baby when you're older?

[garfield529 47]

As a father with two healthy, intelligent boys (8 & 10yrs) I would never hesitate to say I would do it all over again...even if it was with my succubus ex-wife...

With that said, my current wife and I plan to have a child of our own to add to our flawed (but perfect) family. You just need some patience and the ability to adapt and accept that nothing will be perfect and you will find little nuggets of happiness in every day....even the days when you want to shake your son for spray painting the side of the house (yes, happened).

[rin and john 71]

I can't answer your question, as I don't meet the criteria. But a quick internet seach turned up the following links that would give me pause if I found myself in your situation. Good that you are at least looking at the sperm/genetic testing side. Raising any child has it's difficult moments. Raising one when elderly complicates those moments. Adding special needs even more so.

http://www.mothers35plus.co.uk/older-fathers.htm

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=the-father-factor

http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/news/20030701/dad-age-down-syndrome

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paternal_age_effect

[Apple & Wil 0]

Thanks Anita Cocktail, garfield 529, Sam and fen, Dan and Judy, rika60607, nane1104 , rin and John and the other earlier posters.

i appreciate all of you taking the time to help answer my questions. Thank you , thank you, thank you.

All of you have given me different perspectives of looking at my situation from your unique experience.

You will help me tremendously in making a right decision. My fiancee is blessing me with her love and giving me happiness and I want to do the same. We both want it but i needed to know completely what it takes when you have another life to care for.

wil

Edited August 11, 2011 by Apple & Wil

[Fandango 1,439]

Here's a Q: does your fiancee just desperately want another child, or does she just want YOUR child? Love is a hard thing sometimes, and if she is really dead set on having another, and let's say you decide you don't due to genetic risks, does that mean marrying you means she cannot have another? How will this affect your relationship? Would you be happy using donor sperm? Would you adopt? Gah, too many scenarios really.

At the end of the day, having a child at any age is hard and very taxing. I have only done it for 11 mos and I am exhausted I am an older mom (38), and sometimes I feel I could have benefitted from having youth on my side by having had him younger. Then again, I feel my age also benefits him because I'm more of a complete individual with my own adult experiences which brings more wisdom, and patience, and really just a general feeling of being very content with being 'saddled' by having to forego things/experiences/etc because I have to put my child's needs and well being before my own. I have had my adult fun crazy years, and was more than ready to sit at home on a Friday night

Good luck whatever you decide.

Edited August 12, 2011 by Anita Cocktail

[Fandango 1,439]

Hey, I also have to add one more thing.

I'm in pretty good shape. I'm very active. I still have some baby weight on, but not to the point where it's hindering my daily activities. My son is about 23 pounds, and recently, because of consistently bending down to pick him up, and also by carrying him, I have pinched a nerve in my back so badly, that I was pretty much incapacitated for about 5 days. Must have been my sciatica, because the pain ran down my leg, and it was so stabbingly (I know, not a real word, lol) bad, that I cried more than once (and I'm not the crybaby type). It has hurt so bad that every night for about 2 weeks so far, I have woken up in the middle of the night several times a night with pains shooting down my leg into my ankle.

I love talking about babies, and I love being a mother. It has changed my life in more ways than I ever could have imagined. It's great to look at things in general terms by saying things like 'age is but a number!' and the like, but at the end of the day, I see you have two choices to make, really. Whether you want to try to have a baby of your own, which comes with the risks of genetic issues...and whether your lifestyle/age in general will be incongruent to parenthood. Simple physical things like can you see yourself chasing after a toddler, picking him/her up countless times a day, tripping over toys, etc. Lifestyle issues like will you be happy having to forego certain things like sleeping in late, extensive traveling, etc. Friends calling you up saying 'hey can you meet us out for a drink?'. You're somewhere late 50's/early 60's...what are your retirement plans? Do you want to laze in the sun all day? Do you want to travel? Of course, you are already going to have to deal with these issues because of the 7 y/o but obviously you will have to do it for longer if you have another. Maybe you don't do these things anyway, and your lifestyle is conducive to it, so the lifestyle factors may not be an issue at all.

[TBoneTX 43,004]

Lisa has nailed it in her last two posts. Our little boy ("Mini-Bone") will soon be 7 months old and he already weighs 23 pounds. He loves to be carried by Daddy, who's an early quinquagenarian (translation: no Spring chicken). If you have physical woes or could aggravate or develop any from lifting/carrying an infant, take note now. Also, even though Mrs. T-B. (also an "older mother," on Lisa's heels in terms of age) loves Mini-Bone fiercely, there are times when she's about to lose it. You must be prepared to drop everything and run to attend to the crying baby or to your wife who's at wit's or sleep's end. Sometimes, it's both. That's from anywhere in the house or anywhere in town.

You should also be prepared to take the lead in every dealing with hospitals, doctors, nurses, et al. -- your wife WILL be ill-prepared to do so because of a lack of knowledge of the system here, and cultural or language barriers.

Children will change your schedule, both long-term and at any moment anytime.

As a new father, you'll automatically sink to Third Place in priority, behind Baby & Wife... and maybe to Fourth Place, if the maternal grandparents are in the picture. If your wife requires a C-section, you'll need to arrange for around-the-clock help around the house and with her and Baby -- or be prepared to do everything yourself -- for weeks. This is beyond the powers of even Superman. Plan on multiple, perhaps emergency, trips to the pharmacy late at night and to the "baby-supply store" for diapers, creams, formula, bottle-nipples, diapers, and items that you never knew existed. Have the proper "infant car seat" installed in all of your vehicles; know how to get it in and out of the car without hurting Baby; and don't let Baby's little feet brush against a burning-hot car in summer weather.

Children can make a strong marriage stronger, but they can stress weaker or newer marriages if for no other reason than you don't SLEEP for the first three years. You will certainly not sleep for the first three MONTHS.

These are some of the objective realities to consider in addition to those mentioned by others, si man.

[rika60607 215]

There is an easy cure for sleepless nights and toys everywhere - it is called a live-in nanny. Yes, it will cost you, but... if you got the money, why not? It is also a good cure for keeping Friday nights and travel opportunities open.

Discuss your health and medical history with a doctor to evaluate your chances of fathering a healthy child - general stats alone should not become the deciding factor.

[Apple & Wil 0]

Here's a Q: does your fiancee just desperately want another child, or does she just want YOUR child? Love is a hard thing sometimes, and if she is really dead set on having another, and let's say you decide you don't due to genetic risks, does that mean marrying you means she cannot have another? How will this affect your relationship? Would you be happy using donor sperm? Would you adopt? Gah, too many scenarios really.

At the end of the day, having a child at any age is hard and very taxing. I have only done it for 11 mos and I am exhausted I am an older mom (38), and sometimes I feel I could have benefitted from having youth on my side by having had him younger. Then again, I feel my age also benefits him because I'm more of a complete individual with my own adult experiences which brings more wisdom, and patience, and really just a general feeling of being very content with being 'saddled' by having to forego things/experiences/etc because I have to put my child's needs and well being before my own. I have had my adult fun crazy years, and was more than ready to sit at home on a Friday night

Good luck whatever you decide.

hi Anita,

She just said she wanted a baby. She didn't put it as "your baby". :-( he,he,he. No problem. she said that if I don't want a baby however, then we won't get a baby. But I know she wants one. And I'm not against it. Wow, even at only 38 and it's exhausting huh? She took care of her sister baby recently and she said after one hour outside and the baby crying , she was "tired". he,he, he. Now she remembers how it was when her 7 year old was a baby, she says. I said "what, you didn't know it was tiring?" She said , "I forgot how tiring it gets. It was a long time ago" he,he. i said "oh, then you'd better take care of sister's baby again to see if it's still okay with you to still want a baby" . She told me that when i go to see her in a few weeks, I can take care of sister's baby to see how tiring it is. She was only joking , I think. he,he,he.

Thanks Anita.

wilfred

[Fandango 1,439]

hi Anita,

She just said she wanted a baby. She didn't put it as "your baby". :-( he,he,he. No problem. she said that if I don't want a baby however, then we won't get a baby. But I know she wants one. And I'm not against it. Wow, even at only 38 and it's exhausting huh? She took care of her sister baby recently and she said after one hour outside and the baby crying , she was "tired". he,he, he. Now she remembers how it was when her 7 year old was a baby, she says. I said "what, you didn't know it was tiring?" She said , "I forgot how tiring it gets. It was a long time ago" he,he. i said "oh, then you'd better take care of sister's baby again to see if it's still okay with you to still want a baby" . She told me that when i go to see her in a few weeks, I can take care of sister's baby to see how tiring it is. She was only joking , I think. he,he,he.

Thanks Anita.

wilfred

I ever realized how exhausted one could be and still function. I thought the movie depictions were over exaggerated..little did I know how true they were, lol. For the first 6 weeks, my son had his days and nights confused...and he'd cry a lot at night. He liked the car, so pretty much every night at 3 am, you could bet on me, my husband, and our son were in the car driving around. Ridiculous, I know, but it was the only thing that would calm him down at night. Funny thing is, the second we were out of the car, crossing the threshold to the house, he'd automatically wake up!!! I was like 'he hates our house!' hahahaha

Something happened at 6 weeks, dunno what...but he started sleeping thru the night and he hasn't stopped since. Praise the Lord! LOL

Btw, his tshirt today said 'my parents are exhausted'

I did have a c-section, although I recovered lickety split...it's just the way I am, tbh...I was out of bed and walking around the same day I had him. I did take it easy, and had a hard time bending for a while, so TBone is right about that, too. I can't imagine the adjustment to America and having to deal with a new baby, although it might just have the opposite effect and it might make her feel right at home really fast.

And just because I feel compelled to...I must show off the little man:

[TBoneTX 43,004]

I must show off the little man

What a cutie, si man!

[nane1104 146]

A little off topic but I remember I fell asleep standing in the kitchen one day while hubby was talking to me...I remember him talking and then I feel a pat on my shoulder and he goes "Babe, are you asleep? You might wanna sit down..."

BUT: I also remember that it made me tired when I watched other peoples kids. With my own son, without a doubt I was tired, but then you somehow find the energy to make it through another day and another night.

It's just different with your own child.

[Fandango 1,439]

What a cutie, si man!

TY! I agree, lol

[rlogan 2,036]

I was 49 and she 19 when we met. I was 52 with the first child and 53 with the second. I knew another couple personally with about the same age gap, him marrying at 55 and having a couple of kids in his late 50's.

In our case it has been fantastic even though the issue was not settled when we first got together. She asked me and I said that it was more important to me that our marriage was solid first, and children were OK if that was the case. I could think of nothing worse than children in a bad marriage. In the case of my friend, he is dysfunctional socially in ways that affected his children socially. I am way better potential as parent now than I was in my 20's, that's for sure. It is irrelevant whether I will be around for college graduation. So the alternative is not to have children at all? The only permanant thing we leave on earth is our DNA.

In terms of "affording" them - all I can say is shop at the thrift store, don't eat out, buy the economy car - there's room in any budget for people who want kids. My goodness you see people in the Philippines raising nine children on five dollars a day. And about the nanny - there are two kinds. There is an upstairs nanny and a downstairs nanny. Be careful with the age on the upstairs nanny

[TheFantastics09 19]

My first advice would be don't do it. My second advice would be live with the 7 year kid for 2 years to get a general idea of your tolerance. As a matter of fact now would be a good time to start

babysitting if you can find someone who will let you. One or two hours in the afternoon is not enough unless of course that is enough to convince you that you don't want a baby. Im 10 years younger

than you and I know I absolutely don't have the energy to start over again. I have a 24 year old stepson who presented significant challenges. I have a biological son who is 15 who was an angel until

his hormones kicked in a couple years ago.

Kids can be very rewarding and a big pain in the butt at the same time. Some kids are just a big pain in the butt. What have you been doing for halloween the last few years? Loading up on candy

and enjoying the company when trick or treaters come to your door. Or turning out the lights and hoping they don't bother you.

Little kids leave things laying around on the floor for people to trip over. When youre 40 and trip over that babies toy you are sore for a week. If youre 65 you are more likely to break your hip. Kids need to be carried a lot of time. How is your back?

Kids can break anything and everything you own and kids like company so if you have a boy by the time he's 3, Billy and Johnny will be coming over to visit. If little Billy knocks over your $1000 tv and breaks his arm. Guess who can get sued. If little johnny hits your dog with a bat and the dog bites him. Guess who can get sued.

I looked out the window last week at My kid playing basketball with his friends, One of the kids takes out a knife and stabs the basketball just for fun

How's your memory, I know mines going downhill fast. How cool would it be for your 18 year old son to have a dad that can't remember his name.

Im sure you've got life insurance or enough money set aside that your wife would be alright but how well equipt is she to raise a son by herself if you left the picture entirely.

Of course that can happen at any age but it is more likely to happen to us than a 30 year old.

Invitro Fertilization, isn't that ending up with lots of twins and triplets

Im sure there are some Guys that can pull it off and enjoy it , but not me

:rofl:

[TBoneTX 43,004]

Also, remember: Babies are too young to talk. When they figure that out, it makes them so mad that they cry all the time, si man.