Personal issues re my Viet Nam girlfriend

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

After reading all the advices I am somewhat in shock. How can anyone give advice on something like that? No one has full picture. Only OP does. OP, no one can give you advice. You have to follow your heart and common sense. I just don't think this is a question for the forum.. I don't think you can ask people advice on the net on a serious matter like that. If you do you may fall into the trap of following someone's advice that is based on incomplete information. If I was you I would rather talk to my friends. Close friends that you can completely disclose all the details to.

I apologize if my advice may not seem helpful on the first place, but iut may be most helpful overall, once you think about it..

I guess we can all give advice the same you yourself can!

Actually if you read through most of the advice it has been quite good, not specific to this one person but rather general to what are norms in VN and some "food for thought". I would agree that the "Run for the Hills" & "Dump her now" comments aren't very helpful but the stuff that has given the OP presence of situation and clarity that we generally don't have when we are the monkey in the middle has been spot on in provoking him to look clearly at the situation he's looking at.

[Matt_Stevens 5]

This is not even a small thing. This is big as the sky is blue. RUN AWAY! get out of this thing before it is too late.

I don't judge this woman for doing what she had to do to survive. She did what she needed to do. But you don't need the heartache that will come with marrying that woman. You WILL regret it. The warning signs are slapping you in the face so hard you must be numb and no longer feel the blows.

Trust me... I'm a writer. I've been working on a book for four years about this very subject.

Walk away. Unless she doesn't mind being a girlfriend who visits, you need to get on with your life. She wants that green card. PERIOD. And then half your money.

[hnubno 9]

maybe it's not money that she wants from you but an american citizen. i am just saying and this may or may not be true. i think before moving on to petitioning her to come to america, you should take time to see how she is (even if you've known her for a while). you aren't there with her all the time so you can't be sure of how she is when you are not there with her in vietnam. also she did call you on your bluff when she tried to walk out the door. i think now she knows how to handle you. i mean good women and bad women do the same thing, test their man, but in your situation everything just seems fishy. also could she possibly be the kind of woman who likes more then one man at a time. for example she may love or like you enough to marry you but she can't let go of other men even if she's with you. can you handle that if it is that.

i really do hope she is a good person because you seem like a good person too.

good luck to you.

Edited July 18, 2011 by hnubno

[Mike_Mac 3]

I guess we can all give advice the same you yourself can!

Actually if you read through most of the advice it has been quite good, not specific to this one person but rather general to what are norms in VN and some "food for thought". I would agree that the "Run for the Hills" & "Dump her now" comments aren't very helpful but the stuff that has given the OP presence of situation and clarity that we generally don't have when we are the monkey in the middle has been spot on in provoking him to look clearly at the situation he's looking at.

I'm getting a situational awareness, four corners, trees and forest, from people who know about international marriages and Vietnam women and culture, etc etc. It has been invaluable, better, I think, than if I had been able to hire some sort of marital-fiance Vietnam visa counselor, if one even existed, which now that I think about it, Harvard probably offers studies in that. I'm also struck by the generosity and outpouring of love from a bunch of people who don't even know me but are willing to extend a helping hand....I'm amazed and touched. Especially when I was expecting to get thrown out of here for asking such a stupid question!

And I'm hoping the OP stands for Original Poster?

[gensdad515 2]

I'm getting a much better impression of what is culturally normal, based on the good responses received here. Thanks to everyone for your help.

Well, I understand that $2000 or $5000 would have been a fortune in VN back in the 1990s when she told me her BF was paying that. I think even now her job only pays about $350-500 in USD equivalent per month. To answer your question, here are some red flags, staying at or above the "R" rating:

1. A nice big house; she says she built it about 2003,

2. Lots of apparent money, a nice lifestyle (ex: she had a maid until 2008 or 2009 ),

3. On my late 2009 visit, there were wads of cash under her bed when I got there, which disappeared a couple of days later,

4. There were men's shirts in her closet; which she said had belonged to her old BF, but according to her he was out of the picture back in the 1990s and her house was built in 2003.

5. There was very very sexy lingerie in her closet; it was far and above anything my ex-wife ever wore for me! (but I probably had very dull marriage, haha),

6. Without going into detail, there were physical intimacies and webcam behavior which I believe were not spontaneous,

(she seems to have very good knowledge of a man's body),

7. Searching her email addresses discloses some Skype user names she has not and will not tell me about.

8. In her Skype account, she had between 100-200 blocked accounts, all men, from around the world,

9. Right before my late 2009 visit, she had sent an email to a man telling him she missed him and attached a picture of her that I had taken in front of a church; he replied telling her he loved her; when she was here in 2010 I called him at telephone number in his email and he called back in 30 minutes!

10. She wears a very big diamond platinum ring; she tells me she bought it for herself.

11. She used to go out in the late afternoons, all dressed up looking sexy, but this seemed to stop a couple of years ago.

12. Before I visited in late 2009, she sold a big motorcycle that was much too big for her

OK, now that I'm reading what I've just written...I'm an old fool!

[tuandanh 3]

Trust is a cornerstone of any important relationship. If you go on with her not telling you about this, it will always linger in your head and manifest itself in unhealthy ways. She doesn't like you that you don't trust her however she has given you plenty of reasons to doubt. If she values the relationship, she will be honest, no matter how sordid her past may or may not be.

Edited July 18, 2011 by tuandanh

[gensdad515 2]

Aren't we all to a certain extent at one time or another ? : ) You were right from the beginning, you need to listen to your gut. Seems to me she trying to take you for a ride. Wish you the best.

[Mike_Mac 3]

In fact, there is a website where men post photos of conquests with these types of women.

tc:

I would like to check those websites if there's a way to get the links

Thanks

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

I'm getting a situational awareness, four corners, trees and forest, from people who know about international marriages and Vietnam women and culture, etc etc. It has been invaluable, better, I think, than if I had been able to hire some sort of marital-fiance Vietnam visa counselor, if one even existed, which now that I think about it, Harvard probably offers studies in that. I'm also struck by the generosity and outpouring of love from a bunch of people who don't even know me but are willing to extend a helping hand....I'm amazed and touched. Especially when I was expecting to get thrown out of here for asking such a stupid question!

And I'm hoping the OP stands for Original Poster?

Yes OP stands for either Original Poster (you) or Original Post (that started this thread)...

VJ is a great place not just for the immigration stuff but for the other things that go with and around it.

[ScottThuy 140]

There is nothing to negotiate.. paid GF = cave... not someone to think about marrying....

[seattlerain 1]

I'm curious with all the negative stuff about her, but there must be something you like about her? Why her? Must be one hot mama..

[VinceN 25]

I'm curious with all the negative stuff about her, but there must be something you like about her? Why her? Must be one hot mama..

He already said she's very cute and sexy ect ect.

I've would have dropped it like it's hot long time ago. OP, go with your gut instincts and by the way it sounds, you're heading in the right direction.

[Mike_Mac 3]

I'm curious with all the negative stuff about her, but there must be something you like about her? Why her? Must be one hot mama..

When I first met her, she looked like a little angel to me, and acted that way. She's likeable and fun to be with. She cooks me delicious Vietnamese food. She has a good sense of humor. Our first meeting was accidental, I had talked to another Vietnam woman who introduced me to her, the same woman that my GF has told me gets money from her BF from Singapore. When she first visited me, I was fully expecting to let her have the bed to herself....haha.

[garfield529 47]

Ultimately, the decision is yours, but since you are new to the site I can tell you that several of the "sage VN" members have only given unfavorable assessments of the situation. And these are guys/gals who know the culture well. If you choose to continue down this path, you have to do it with eyes and ears open, so take off the rose glasses and tune out the siren song of lust, bro. If you choose to walk away, if the balance is not in her favor, then you have to also realize that she does not represent all women and that you can certainly find a good, caring, and communicative partner in due time. Good luck!

[tcTTct 37]

I had talked to another Vietnam woman who introduced me to her, the same woman that my GF has told me gets money from her BF from Singapore. When she first visited me, I was fully expecting to let her have the bed to herself....haha.

Mike, there's even more clues in what you just said. So you met her girlfriend, online I presume, who gets money from her BF in Singapore. What was this GF doing chatting with men online when she already has a BF? And she referred you to your GF? Do you live conveniently close to where her daughter goes to school by any chance? Vietnamese women don't usually have sex soon after meeting by the way. This is just the way they're brought up. All clues.