Personal issues re my Viet Nam girlfriend

[Mike_Mac 3]

Thanks, Ms Nguyen.

I agree, honesty and full disclosure are good.

[Penguin_ie 5,984]

***** Inappropriate post and those quoting same removed. Please keep it constructive *****

[Girl from Celebes 588]

NEW MEMBER, FIRST POST, PERSONAL ISSUES PRECEDENT TO IMMIGRATION ISSUES, UNSURE IF THIS IS APPROPRIATE TO FORUM.

I will proceed cautiously here until I'm assured I'm not outside forum boundaries...a "Dear Abby" type question.

I met my Viet Nam girlfriend online in 2007. In summer 2008 she came to visit her daughter in the US while, attending school here, and also visited me. In summer 2009 she returned again to the US, and spent more time with me than her daughter. We are now getting along well. I visited her in Saigon during late 2009, to celebrate both of our birthdays. In summer 2010, she again returned to stay mostly with me, we traveled and visited her daughter at her college, etc. She is apparently able to get 6 month tourist visa while her daughter attends college here. This summer she is once again in the US to see me, her daughter and some relatives. Talk of marriage and a fiance visa loom larger and larger, which is ok, as I love her and am crazy about her. I divorced out of a 25+ year marriage with 3 grown children a few years ago; she informed me she was married once for about 2-3 years, then had a BF for about 3 years, broke up with him when she discovered he had a wife and children back in California, and since then, has had no men in her life "whatsoever", for the last 10-15 years before she met me.

I have problems. First, she refuses to tell me anything about her life in those 10-15 years, absolutely. She has told me about how poor her family was, the April 1975 debacle, how her first husband beat her up until she ran away, and then....how her one and only BF paid her $5,000 per month while she lived with him, until my eyes got big and she revised it to $2,000 per month. This has become a bone of contention, but she continues to assure me that it is SOP in Viet Nam for women to get salaries from their BFs, and she tells me she has a GF, whom I met, who is getting money right now from her Singaporean BF.

Problem two. Over time I have progressively discovered more and more pieces of assorted types of "circumstantial" evidence which, taken objectively but together, tell me she has been far less than candid and carries the spectre of a woman who made a living from men, either as a paid GF or worse. Some of this evidence is direct, seen with my own eyes, and some of it involves a lifestyle and accoutrement far above what a person in her circumstances could afford. Now we have periodic little blow-ups over her secret past. She is very cute, sexy and fun to be with, and we have a simpatico between us. As much as I would like to make her my wife and bring her here, I can't imagine having a wife with a secret past who won't tell me about it. After our last tiff, her daughter even called me to say I should open my heart, think only of the future and not worry about the past. What past? haha.

I know the culture is different in Viet Nam. But I'm fairly sure that not all women in Viet Nam are paid GFs. To be fair, knowing how awful Viet Nam was then, if I was a young single woman with a daughter to support, maybe I would have become a hooker! And, maybe I'm all wrong here.

Am I in the wrong forum for this question? More details can be provided if helpful, although most are salacious.

I'm hoping someone here can give me some insights into my dilemma or how to approach it.

I was truly shock reading this. I meant it. You have to build the relationship first with trust and when it wasn't there, how it would be? I can't say it is a culture because I have know idea about Vietnamese girls being pad girlfriends. Never heard before. Personally, I never ask money from all my ex-bfs and now my fiance. It is shame for me.

I paid all my expenses (house, credit cards, internet bills, insurance, electricity, food, etc) and never depend to some amount money of my fiance . He wanted to send me money though but no way use his money. It would happened until we married and we set up joint account. He only paid expenses that we are both agree like vacation, ticket planes, visa stuff, or buy me gifts. My point is, if the girls wanted to be with you just because of money, I guess better you runaway before they left you behind after you have nothing.

Do not being deceived by looking like she's cute, sexy, and having fun to be with. It is only temporarely madness. if you can't have a good communication and the relationship full of lies, do you think is it worth to trade for? The beauty only as deep as skin. Think someone that you can share many things when pyshical attraction started dissapear. I do that to my fiance and he does as well. Bond between us more than about pyshical things or just being cute.

And also I paid attention to the way she changed the story. Her ex-bf gave her money 5.000 USD and changed into 2.000 USD each month after you did big eyes on her story. Haven't you seen what is the motive? It says clearly that her exes willing to give her BIG money and you HAVE to do the same thing and if NOT, the exes then better than you. Sounds a woman like to push. I bet there is a lot secret things she's hiding from you. But depends on you, to sort things out and genuinely find her original intention before regret would haunting you in the rest of life. Good luck.

Edited October 7, 2011 by Girl from Celebes

[jmhull 2]

Hi Mike:

Seems like it's been a while since the last discussion on this post, and I hope you are all good now - seeing the light and being able to sort things out already. If that's the case then no more talk is necessary, and I would be so happy for you. But in case you're still in stuck in the middle of the struggle between the heart and the mind, and can't cut the lady out of your life, think about it this way - do you want it long and painful, or short and painful? It's clear to me which is a better choice.

I know it's always easy said than done, especially where the heart is involved. But trust me, when everything is over, you will be glad and grateful of yourself for the decision that you have made. And be optimistic, (TRUE) love does exist, and is all around you. I wish you all the right mind, and wisdom, to do the right thing~

[brian_n_phuong 193]

Hi Mike:

Seems like it's been a while since the last discussion on this post, and I hope you are all good now - seeing the light and being able to sort things out already. If that's the case then no more talk is necessary, and I would be so happy for you. But in case you're still in stuck in the middle of the struggle between the heart and the mind, and can't cut the lady out of your life, think about it this way - do you want it long and painful, or short and painful? It's clear to me which is a better choice.

I know it's always easy said than done, especially where the heart is involved. But trust me, when everything is over, you will be glad and grateful of yourself for the decision that you have made. And be optimistic, (TRUE) love does exist, and is all around you. I wish you all the right mind, and wisdom, to do the right thing~

Ohhhhhh geez, I wish you hadn't dredged this monstrosity back up .........

You can expect all the VJ drama queens to start posting in our Viet Nam forum again.

[MyLan 0]

Posted 18 July 2011 - 12:48 PM

I'm getting a much better impression of what is culturally normal, based on the good responses received here. Thanks to everyone for your help.

Well, I understand that $2000 or $5000 would have been a fortune in VN back in the 1990s when she told me her BF was paying that. I think even now her job only pays about $350-500 in USD equivalent per month. To answer your question, here are some red flags, staying at or above the "R" rating:

1. A nice big house; she says she built it about 2003,

2. Lots of apparent money, a nice lifestyle (ex: she had a maid until 2008 or 2009 ),

3. On my late 2009 visit, there were wads of cash under her bed when I got there, which disappeared a couple of days later,

4. There were men's shirts in her closet; which she said had belonged to her old BF, but according to her he was out of the picture back in the 1990s and her house was built in 2003.

5. There was very very sexy lingerie in her closet; it was far and above anything my ex-wife ever wore for me! (but I probably had very dull marriage, haha),

6. Without going into detail, there were physical intimacies and webcam behavior which I believe were not spontaneous,

(she seems to have very good knowledge of a man's body),

7. Searching her email addresses discloses some Skype user names she has not and will not tell me about.

8. In her Skype account, she had between 100-200 blocked accounts, all men, from around the world,

9. Right before my late 2009 visit, she had sent an email to a man telling him she missed him and attached a picture of her that I had taken in front of a church; he replied telling her he loved her; when she was here in 2010 I called him at telephone number in his email and he called back in 30 minutes!

10. She wears a very big diamond platinum ring; she tells me she bought it for herself.

11. She used to go out in the late afternoons, all dressed up looking sexy, but this seemed to stop a couple of years ago.

12. Before I visited in late 2009, she sold a big motorcycle that was much too big for her

OK, now that I'm reading what I've just written...I'm an old fool!

I think you had an answer , she seems having illicit work and wrongful woman .I am sorry .