Has this story ever turned out well for American man and Russian woman?

[rlogan 2,036]

Did we forget to mention one of us has OCPD.

two of us have aspergers, but we are not telling which 2

Alright, I got this part of it now. But not because I figured it out. An existing member had to tell me.

"They're coming to take me away, ha ha

They're coming to take me away ho ho hee hee ha haa

to the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time

and I'll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats..."

Edited August 31, 2011 by rlogan

[rlogan 2,036]

[HannahP 119]

In your message, you express appreciation for your husband's efforts. Since you didn't say what your husband did or didn't do in this area, I can only guess. But it's safe to say that he felt it was worth the effort, probably because he could feel that you actually loved him.

Well, we've always loved each other. And he had an inkling of what he was getting in to - I've always been up front about my psych history/issues. But the effort that we both put into the relationship is what reinforced how MUCH we love each other and what has made our relationship last for over ten years. I think the effort that he put in to being patient with me, accepting me for who I was while still expecting me to meet certain obligations and live within certain boundaries (the biggest rule being that I could not hide my self-destructive behaviors or lie about them) is what made me want to put the effort into getting better. I took his love for me and turned it into some sort of love for myself -- and so I went to therapy, took my meds, and sought out hospitalization when I needed it. He stayed with me when my weight dropped to 55 lbs and I had a heart attack and kidney failure. He stayed with me during the numerous times he found me passed out from blood loss due to self-injury and the subsequent late night ER visits, surgeries, stitches, and blood transfusions. He stayed with me through the DUI, although my self-destructive behavior potentially putting someone elses' life at risk did almost end our marriage. And eventually things turned around, got a little bit better day after day to the point where our lives are terribly mundane.

[Dan and Judy 614]

"They're coming to take me away, ha ha

They're coming to take me away ho ho hee hee ha haa

to the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time

and I'll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats..."

mmmmm

Manipulators try to paint you as insane.

we agree :rofl:

Edited August 31, 2011 by Dan and Judy

[Phil N 4]

Well, we've always loved each other. And he had an inkling of what he was getting in to - I've always been up front about my psych history/issues. But the effort that we both put into the relationship is what reinforced how MUCH we love each other and what has made our relationship last for over ten years. I think the effort that he put in to being patient with me, accepting me for who I was while still expecting me to meet certain obligations and live within certain boundaries (the biggest rule being that I could not hide my self-destructive behaviors or lie about them) is what made me want to put the effort into getting better. I took his love for me and turned it into some sort of love for myself -- and so I went to therapy, took my meds, and sought out hospitalization when I needed it.

<some stuff snipped>

He stayed with me through the DUI, although my self-destructive behavior potentially putting someone elses' life at risk did almost end our marriage. And eventually things turned around, got a little bit better day after day to the point where our lives are terribly mundane.

WOW. Now that is commitment. But he knew up front. I am curious how you first were told about BPD, how your were diagnosed, and how that went over with you, and at what point you decided it was something you *wanted* to work on. Maybe that's asking for too much, too personal for here, maybe PM. Reading between the lines, I can also see that he made an enduring, concerted effort to learn how to communicate effectively and know when and how to insist on boundaries. There are a lot of ways the partner can screw this up and say and do things that are unhelpful and unsupportive. I just thought my ex-fiancee was a very emotional woman. I prefer very emotional women. Which she also is, but then stack the BPD-related behaviors on top of that, and it just overwhelmed me, with almost no feelings or actions of love and affection from her to make it feel worth the effort to me. If I knew then what I know now, who knows. I was learning and I could see it starting to improve our interactions. But I was already worn down and out of patience by that point. When she played games with my requests to do a BPD assessment, promising she would do it after marriage, it came across as one more cynical way of trying to get me to marry her quickly by any means possible. It just all became too high-risk for me to find out. Your husband hung in there with you through all challenges; truly a remarkable man, hats off to him. I can see how working through challenges together, the way you and your husband did, could build even stronger bonds over time. A mundane life, now that sounds appealing right now!

[Phil N 4]

Ya know, that video was very inspiring to me. You got me practicing that song, and I pretty soon I'll be to the point where I can perform it better than the original artist. I'm pretty good for the first half of the song, certainly very convincing, and then I start running out of gas. Maybe I'm just not crazy enough yet. When I can just effortlessly *perform* it, without having to *try*, that's how I'll know I've truly arrived.

[rlogan 2,036]

I can't help but see you as a guy who is way too obsessed with sex. .

Where I am in error I like to go back and correct myself. I had disagreed with this before, but I've reconsidered and I agree now. When a person is denied sex then of course that fixes their attention on it until it is solved. The longer it goes unsolved the more it bothers us. Those looking on with normal sex lives can think we're obsessed by it when it is just a normal reaction to being denied. Part of the reason I gave the benefit of the doubt was that this is supposedly the Honeymoon period after a year or whatever without seeing each other. That combination generally leads most of us to breed like no other period in our lives.

I was wrong.

[Dan and Judy 614]

I was wrong.

We find ourselves agreeing with you a lot lately

[HannahP 119]

WOW. Now that is commitment. But he knew up front. I am curious how you first were told about BPD, how your were diagnosed, and how that went over with you, and at what point you decided it was something you *wanted* to work on. Maybe that's asking for too much, too personal for here, maybe PM. Reading between the lines, I can also see that he made an enduring, concerted effort to learn how to communicate effectively and know when and how to insist on boundaries. There are a lot of ways the partner can screw this up and say and do things that are unhelpful and unsupportive. I just thought my ex-fiancee was a very emotional woman. I prefer very emotional women. Which she also is, but then stack the BPD-related behaviors on top of that, and it just overwhelmed me, with almost no feelings or actions of love and affection from her to make it feel worth the effort to me. If I knew then what I know now, who knows. I was learning and I could see it starting to improve our interactions. But I was already worn down and out of patience by that point. When she played games with my requests to do a BPD assessment, promising she would do it after marriage, it came across as one more cynical way of trying to get me to marry her quickly by any means possible. It just all became too high-risk for me to find out. Your husband hung in there with you through all challenges; truly a remarkable man, hats off to him. I can see how working through challenges together, the way you and your husband did, could build even stronger bonds over time. A mundane life, now that sounds appealing right now!

re. my situation -- I was diagnosed at fifteen or sixteen. I'd become what they call a revolving door psychiatric patient at that point, hospitalized every 2-3 months for anorexia, self-injury, or/and depression. (I think I was hospitalized around two dozen times between the ages of 13-17?) One of the residents (doctor) sat me down and asked me if I ever felt "empty inside." I said that I did and when I was discharged, I was given the dx of BPD and a follow-up with a well known adolescent DBT specialist in the area. No educated psych patient (consumer?) wants to be labeled as having BPD because borderlines are considered notoriously hard to work with and having a BPD diagnosis can make it hard to find therapists, psychiatrists, etc. DBT helped me a lot. However, I think it was spending my seventeenth birthday yet again on another psych ward that made me want to progress beyond being very good at being very mentally ill. (In hindsight, a classic trait of the self-destructive BPDer.) I delved head-first into working three part-time jobs on top of taking AP classes in high school. Graduated with honors. Quit cutting and other overtly self-destructive behaviors however I was still extremely anorexic.

Anyway, just talking because who doesn't like talking about themselves? My husband and I met when I was fourteen and he was fifteen -- at an aerospace camp. I was about 70 lbs and very obviously anorexic. We became "an item" during the two weeks at camp and I really couldn't hide the fact that I was puking up everything I ate and my arms were covered in old scars. I think at this point just about everyone would be entirely turned off or at least cautious about sticking their ####### in the crazy. I happened to be a good match - in interests, personality, and temperament - to one of those guys who likes to fix broken people. I'm just lucky that he didn't expect me to change right away.

We do not have the perfect relationship by any means. He still doesn't really know how to communicate with me when we fight. His actions usually only fuel my (at times uncontrollable) anger. And he'####### me twice out of frustration in the last eight years that we've lived together.

[Fandango 1,439]

INTERESTING NUMBERS:

Days at my house: About 35

Times she slept in my bed with me: 8-10

Times we cuddled and talked in bed together: 0

Intimate relations times: about 5

Times we watched movies/TV together in bed: 0

Times we watched movies together in Theater room: 1

Times we talked into the wee hours of the morning over drinks, outside on the deck: about 6 or 7

Times we ate meals together: About half the time

Times she prepared meals for me: Most of the time

Times she did my laundry for me: 1

Russian language lessons she gave me: 0 (She gave me 1 in her country)

Times she allowed her teenage daughter out to meet new friends: 1

Times she allowed her teenage daughter out to sports camp or workshop activities: 1 (She/they bailed on 2nd day of a sports camp)

who cares, it's over...move on.

[cdneh 3,112]

Geeze. Really?!?

[Ban Hammer 12,829]

closed for review

one post removed along with 2 quoting for tos violations.

this thread seems to have run it's course. it's now permanently closed to end the drama. do not restart this thread.

Edited September 10, 2011 by charles!