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Phil N

Has this story ever turned out well for American man and Russian woman?

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Filed: AOS (pnd) Country: Netherlands
Timeline

; What I think is weird, is that she wants to marry you ASAP, but even though she can see that things are far from a good and stable relationship.

A K1 Visa is for couples that know each other good enough to know that they want to get married and spend their life time together.

It seems you flew her and her daughter to the US way too fast!!!!! Like you said, you don't want to marry her just yet because you don't know her that well.

Though, you two have different opinions about what a relationship should look like at this point. If I was her, I wouldn't be intimate with you, because us woman are emotional creatures and we don't give ourselves for 100% when things aren't 100%.

But I have to agree that she isn't making an effort to make this relationship work. She is too busy thinking about getting married asap. I think this is a HUGE RED FLAG. Who wants to get married if their relationship isn't that great?!

I think it would be best to send them home and really start working on your relationship. K1 gives you 90 days to get married, BUT 90 days ain't much to get to know an other person & file when you BOTH are ready..

Besides, it takes 2 to Tango!!

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November 10th, 2013: ROC

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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Ukraine
Timeline

Are you taking an opportunity to brag how great is your wife and life, or really trying to help the OP? :whistle:

bragger.jpg

How does this help the OP? :rofl:

Seriously? Read the topic. "Has this story ever turned out well... " Asked by a member with a Ukrainian fiancee and daughter, answered by a member with a Ukrainian wife and two sons who is extremely happy. The RUB forum is full of members very happy with their Ukrainian/Russian/Belarussian wives.

All the posts here, save for one, actually offer the OP some encouragement, hope or ideas. One just insults another member.

VERMONT! I Reject Your Reality...and Substitute My Own!

Gary And Alla

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Filed: IR-1/CR-1 Visa Country: Russia
Timeline

1. Run.

2. Run.

3. Run... etc

Did you propose marriage prior to being intimate with her?.. :huh:

If yes, she takes you for a sucker.

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This relationship is doomed in the first 8 days and you want to try to spend the rest of your life with her? Sleeping in the same bed doesn't mean sex all the time but if the person I intended to marry wasn't receptive to any intimacy that would be a flag, then again are you pressuring her too much and scaring her out of the bed?? Either way it sounds like big problems on both sides. You marry her and I say more fool you AND when the divorce papers come or worse the false claims of abuse/rape get slung at you I wont bat an eye in shock. I don't care if she is Russian, British, Chinese, Mexican, Irish, whatever from the sounds of it there is no relationship, just you wanting a sexual partner and her wanting a GC for her and her daughter. I'll just clarify it SOUNDS like it, I'm not saying that's actually her motivation or yours. Take a step back and develop this relationship first. Give it time to flourish or dissolve, if she leaves cause you wont marry her then you know what she was after if it blossoms into something that resembles love then take it from there cause as of right now it all sounds forced and uncomfortable.

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Filed: Timeline

Reading your lengthy post I can't help but see you as a guy who is way too obsessed with sex. Is that really the main reason you brought here to the US? I sure seems that way.

Intimacy is something that will come natural when a couple feels comfortable with one another. Your constant nagging about her doing you even if she doesn't feel like it won't help putting her at ease. I also doubt that your porn collection will help.

Real intimacy starts in the brain; it's not a purely mechanical act, at least not for women. What you need to do is make her feel welcome, cherished, as somebody who will complete you and is looking forward to a wonderful life in a wonderful country. If you can't pull that off, all you may be able to achieve is a woman who gives in to your demands as often as she feels she has to. That's not a basis for a marriage. You may as well spend your cash on hookers; they'll give you exactly what you bargain for without having to put any effort into this.

Look, I have no clue what your fiance's motives are as I have never met her, never heard her side of the story. Seems to me like you haven't heard it either though.

Wanting sex or intimacy is normal and actually expected in a relationship especially if the couple is on the verge of being married! If a person is ready to commit their life to someone but they can be intimate then there's not only a problem but a foreshadowing of what's to be expected in the marriage. She's not a virgin and we're all adults...people know what a relationship needs to make it work (not just meaning sex). Maybe there's a misscommunication in how sex is approached but it is definitely normal and expected.

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Filed: AOS (pnd) Country: Belarus
Timeline

First, it has only been 10 days, you have 90. Explain to her it is your intent to marry, but you must make sure it is right for the both of you. Second, get to know one another better during these days. Third, you want intimacy and you are still relatively strangers, give her some space. Fourth, you guys are in a power struggle...you both sound guilty.

I married a woman that had a child. She had basically been self-reliant and independent for 10 years. She didn't want to take instruction on anything(even in how to run the washing machine and dishwasher.....lots of damages to home appliances, carpeting, etc,). She tried to fix stuff even if she had never seen it before and even if it wasn't broken. She was very stubborn, but a lot of that came from her past relationship and having to be self-sufficient.

Also, my experience has been that the RUB countries are not as time conscious. I know of a company that just expanded greatly into Russia, and due to that conducted some "cultural awareness" training. From the training: Russians are never guilty, meaning they are reluctant to take the blame for anything and will often redirect the responsibility for a failure (my wife agreed, she said she thinks it goes back to Soviet times when the guilty were punished, sent away or vanished). Russians when dealing with bureacracy of try to "sweeten the pot", it is very common to take champagne or chocolates or other "expressions of gratitude" to make the system work for or with you. My suggestion is study up on some of the cultural differences....my wife and my adjustment period was up and down as well, but things are good.

Patience is required for this process.

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Ukraine
Timeline

QUESTIONS

1) Trying to use withholding of intimacy to pressure me into a quick marriage, how huge a red flag is this? Has this scenario ever turned out well for a man, that people know of? I've read so many stories where it turned out awful for the man.

2) Is her erratic behavior within reasonable bounds for a very emotional Ukrainian woman adjusting to life in a new country? What are the odds she will settle down and we can have a normal, happy marriage, based on what you have read above?

Thank you VJ'ers for thoughtful comments, insults about my insensitivity, etc. All welcomed.

Well, this is what you get, when you get involved with partner from different culture. Actually, if she's from Odessa - COMPLETELY different culture (if you don't believe it, ask if she even speaks Ukrainian, although Odessa is part of Ukraine :), chances are - she doesn't) Reading through you post makes me thing that your "sex toy" doesn't work as you expected it... There is almost nothing told by you about emotional involvement, but rather lack of intimacy. Is it only what are you looking for???? Let her adjust to new life, try to understand that she left all her friends to be with you, and deal with it, at least try to help her during this transition. As to her cursing at you (and arguing with you) - here is a joke about women from Odessa. I'll write it in Russian, since it will lose meaning in translation. Just ask your fiance to explain it to you (bet she'll laugh). "Настоящая Одесситка - это мулатка: белая женщина с чёрным ртом"... And as someone, who was born and raised in Odessa, I can attest it is true :)

It's not because things are difficult that we dare not venture. It's because we dare not venture that they are difficult. (Seneca Junior)

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Although your fiancee may have emotional issues about the relationship AND adapting to a different culture, it set off every "hinky trigger" in me when I read your comments about her "having rights" and then the behaviour change when she realised she had none until she was married, and actually said that to you.

Is she marrying you for rights? Why are her rights so important and yet your relationship is not? I don't like that.

Quite frankly, I'd sit her down and ask her what she wants/needs/expects this relationship of yours to be, especially as most of us marry with the intention of being in that state until one of us dies. At least attempt to find out what her genuine feelings towards you are, not what they are in relation to the potential green card.

In your situation, I'd explain calmly and gently that there is no way I'm going to marry her on this visit. You don't have enough of a relationship to do that as you are barely communicating. Buy her a ticket home and, if she wants the relationship, keep the connection when she returns home, get to know her properly and revisit the idea of marriage further down the line. You can always petition for her again, as a fiancee or a wife, when you are more certain that a genuine emotional involvement exists.

As a woman, I don't want to have sex if my emotional and mental balance aren't in sync. Most women don't. But, you need to take sex out of the equation here, it's about whether you have enough relationship to make a viable marriage. From the outside, that looks like a firm no. If the relationship is purely about sex, then it's doomed to failure before it even begins.

Imagine yourself trying to Adjust status in this relationship. Would it be easy to prove that you have a valid marriage and a shared life?

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Filed: Country: China
Timeline

It sounds like you have already answered the question for yourself. Bottom line is this looks bad and probably won't turn out well. Now that you have said 5 days, it is going to make it worse. People can say their opinions about the culture differences, the slightly messy vs messy vs clean house and everything else, but she has already established a pattern that her main interest is in getting married right away even though neither of you is happy with things. THIS ISN'T NORMAL This situation will not improve and you're looking at a VAWA case in the making. Do yourself a favor and either accept that this is the most likely scenerio or tell her it isn't working and that she needs to go home.

She will cry and manipulate and everything else to get you to change your mind, but if you do it will be even worse soon after.

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Egypt
Timeline

I got the same impression. You sound sexually demanding and overly focused on the physical aspect of the relationship. Of course this probably translates into bad sex or uncomfortable pressure from you regarding sex on her part making her doubt your motivations.

With regard to fault blame or stubborn attitude ..I recognize that as cultural.

This entire process of online dating is not my cup of tea and although I see many marriages work out, every other day or so there is reports of a bad match or an ulterior motive. I think a more relaxed approach given the vibe you have going on would work better. Quit hounding her for sex, court the woman and forget about sex for the time being and allow a natural affection to develop. Give her space and time, be friendly polite and concerned and try to find out what she might want to do. Let the air clear and start fresh and quit keeping track of every perceived slight in every physical interaction. She is completely in culture shock, probably homesick and no doubt worried she has disrupted her daughters life on a major dice roll.

Take her to dance lessons and to meet your friends she is alone her and needs to develop some connections so she feels more confident and less at the whim of your decision to marry her. You have created a struggle over the sex and the marriage date. Explain you have 90 days, plan the wedding in the third month and make it a nice special occasion with a few other couples that she can take over the planning and preparation for so she feels involved. Tell her you want her input and you want to make it special and nice since its an important occasion and also that you realize that things haven't gotten off to the best of starts and you want to give her time to make sure she is doing the right thing.

As for the house and your room, give her some cash and some decorating magazines and tell her she has free reign to do a makeover. This will give her a project and its clear she has already expressed there is some issues with that room. Maybe its too much your room and there is not provision for her there, closet drawer space etc etc. As for sleeping with her kid, I disagree its uncommon for adults in that culture as other poster suggested its highly probable given the spaces FSU folks live in. My SO's family had a married couple, mother and two kids living in a 2 bedroom apartment, so yes the parents sleep in same room with kids. Maybe its for her daughters comfort as well? I am sure she feels kind of disconnected and unsure as well.

Be prepared after positive efforts on your part that you might not eventually click, I am sure on this forum there is experience that not all people are sexually or emotionally compatible. I do believe with respect any two people can learn to live together if the will is there.

Your attitude that you didn't need to bring a FSU bride here indicates some level of arrogance and it might well be translating to her as well.

I couldn't have said it beter. Although I sympathize with his situation, this strikes me as abundantl arrongant and terribly demanding on his end. Judging by this email, I'd be turned off too! It sounds like he's basing the "reconnection" process with sex.

My fiancee is an egyptian muslim... enough said. I'm the one that brought up sex as a topic of conversation. Although he admits being a little shy talking about it, I made him feel comfortable so he can open up. I took it slow and explained many many times that I am open minded and that it is ok to talk to me about it. Why? because in his culture it's still taboo' it'll be somewhat disrespectful to even have a casual conversation on the subject matter. So, the more comfortable he felt, the closer I brought him to open up. It was a fantastic process because we became best friends. In other words, he felt free with me. He still does. He told his family: "I love her because I can talk to her about everything and anything." That brought me closer to his family. The other reason this was a fantastic process is because, of course, it diminishes the odds for "big surprises" once he gets here.

There are many ways to go about this, starting by asking her out instead of running away.

It's all about studying the culture, listening to each other and then bringing up your personality to mingle. Simple psychology. Afterall, we are all human.

I don't truly belive the relationship is completely doomed. I believe that BOTH are guilty of manipulation. So if they both ground themselves and listen to each other, then maybe there's a chance. That said, the prospects of this problem fixing itself as it is, are 0 to none.

Good luck.

Don't ever do anything you're not willing to explain the paramedics.

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Colombia
Timeline

Pack up her up and send her running back.. even the mere - sleeping in a different room - for 8 of 10 nights... good example to that teenage daughter you allowed her to take. Dont put up with the nonsense or worst yet allow some of these people here to tell you to work thru it.. please!

She sounds like she's bipolar.... :bonk: run don't walk.....

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