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Mr. Big Dog

BREAKING: Weiner Resigns

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Filed: Timeline
Weiner Resigns; Will Run for Prime Minister of Italy

Stunning Comeback for Embattled Lawmaker

WASHINGTON – Embattled congressman Anthony Weiner (D-NY) sent shockwaves across the political landscape today, resigning from his seat in Congress and announcing a run for Prime Minister of Italy.

“Today is bittersweet for me,” he said in a resignation speech on the floor of the House of Representatives. “But it is time to say goodbye to the past and buongiorno to the future.”

Mr. Weiner said that before resigning his seat, he briefly considered running for Prime Minister of Italy while still serving in the House: “I’ve shown that I’m good at multitasking.”

But instead, Mr. Weiner decided to devote himself wholeheartedly to his new campaign: “I’m very excited about this, as all of my followers on Twitter can see.”

Mr. Weiner hit the ground running this morning, blasting Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi for his use of prostitutes: “As Prime Minister of Italy, I will bring with me a much more fiscally prudent approach.”

According to early Italian polls, Mr. Weiner is appealing mainly to women in the 21 to 22 demographic.

“That’s a group that Berlusconi has totally ignored,” said Italian pollster Donatello Bibbo. “He considers them too old.”

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Knew it was Borowitz' Shallot Juice.


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